To not understand why friendships change so much after kids?

[AIBU25]

I'm prepared to get slaughtered on this but I'm going to put it out there.

I really don't understand why friendships change so much after someone/a couple has children. I understand they have new priorities and less free time but why not make time for your friends? I don't understand how they expect to maintain friendships with absolutely no effort from their side. Most friends would be happy to do kid friendly activities, why not invite people along? People seem to just forget that there was a life before children.

Many parents work full time so evenings and weekends are precious. You don't understand the guilt many feel when they work all week and then go out having fun in their 'free' time. When you're a parent, you're a parents 24/7. I have to always be thinking of or be very aware of DS. Where is he, what time does he need picking up, has he had him tea, has he brushed his teeth, is he due injections, does he have any drs appointments, have I filled in the nursery application correctly etc. I can't just go out or make spontaneous plans anymore, and even when I am out, I'll be checking my phone regularly.

As a mum I am expected to put my child above all else, be there for him no matter what and help him turn into a good person, give him a good, loving, clean home with clean clothes and good food. I am also expected to be a good employee at work, focus on work while I'm there and do a good job. I am also a wife so making sure that DH and I have alone time and can still enjoy our relationship. I am also a daughter so I need to maintain good relationships with my parents, help them when they need help and support them like they always have me. I am also a friend so I need to be supportive and thoughtful, make effort and be involved. And on top of all that I am me. I need to sit down sometimes and think about nothing. Or waste time on here.
I think about my friends a lot, I think about what I'd like to do with them. I do try. It's not easy.

The twins were on a four hour feeding regime, bottle fed, and baby-wearing wasn't really a thing. Not that our friendship needed help but I'm guessing this may have made a difference in that my friend wasn't held "hostage" by her babies 24/7. Her DH was brilliant as well so nights out and even holidays without children weren't out of the question, often suggested by her. I think she was probably unusual and I've always been in awe of her and her parenting skills.

I think it's a bit sad that your definition of great parenting is 'children do not inconvenience me, an unrelated adult'. There's nothing wrong with formula feeding or not using a sling (though I think the sling is one of the best ways to be able to socialise when a baby is tiny!) but claiming that it means someone must be an amazing mum if they can spend loads of time away from their babies feels quite off, and pretty goady.

Where are all the MEN
I mean literally where are they? Because all we ever see on here is my Dh does his hobby 3 nights a week and i haven’t been out in 3 years etc etc

I do not know one father who doesn’t still see his friends in my circle. Not ONE

I'm not sure why the OP is getting such a hard time about this. She is obviously a bit hurt and feeling a bit left out with the changes to her relationships with her friends. All the "you sound bitter" and "they aren't really your friends" malarkey is unhelpful when someone is just missing their buddies, and if OP had said she couldn't have children and was feeling excluded by her friends with kids people would be saying she wasn't unreasonable and how awful her friends were for not making considerations of her feelings.

When life changes on one side of a relationship,
it isn't nice to be the person left behind.

@AIBU25, I know I have totally changed since having DC, and I know I have been a crap friend to some of my oldest friends, but that doesn't mean I was really never their friend or that I don't care about them now. I think part of it is the madness/exhaustion/etc that parenthood brings, but then it turns to guilt about not knowing what is going on in other people's lives and not knowing how to rekindle those friendships. How do you pick up again after a 2+ year break? OP, how long has it been? And would you want your friends to try and reach out now or has that ship sailed? Have you moved on?

but claiming that it means someone must be an amazing mum if they can spend loads of time away from their babies feels quite off, and pretty goady.

That's not what I was saying at all.

I have found the opposite to be true. Friends without kids never gave a thought to where we would be meeting up and whether I would be able to bring the baby or not and also the timings for meeting up would always be slap bang during nap time if during the day as they would be up later than me. I think to maintain such a friendship some degree of compromise is needed on both parts otherwise you start to withdraw.

Wow, this has got a big response. I think some people have been unnecessarily unkind but to the people who have been honest and practical in their advice, thanks and it has been helpful.

You love your kids more than your friends. That's really it. You care less about other people once you're a parent.

I don’t care less about my friends than I did. It’s not because I love my kids more. It’s because my friends are adults who aren’t completely reliant on me, and can take care of themselves so of course I have to prioritise my children who can’t do those things (I realise this is exacerbated by having children who are very delayed across the board but i am sure some other parents feel the same). They need so much from me that I don’t have anything left to give. I struggle to take care of myself and my poor DH barely gets any of my time or attention either.

That phrase “you can’t pour from an empty cup” is so true and my cup has been completely empty for three years now. I’m sure I’m not alone in this. By the time they are in bed I mainly want to curl up in a ball and have no one talk to me, touch me or make any demands of me because I’m completely spent.