To not understand why friendships change so much after kids?

[AIBU25]

I'm prepared to get slaughtered on this but I'm going to put it out there.

I really don't understand why friendships change so much after someone/a couple has children. I understand they have new priorities and less free time but why not make time for your friends? I don't understand how they expect to maintain friendships with absolutely no effort from their side. Most friends would be happy to do kid friendly activities, why not invite people along? People seem to just forget that there was a life before children.

I dont think this is always true, 2 of my friends without kids are some of the worst at keeping in touch and making effort! I think if your really value friendships and priorities them, you make them work. Kids or no kids

Sorry Disinterested. I'm not smug. I've got my own shite to deal with. I've had many parenting failures.

Being a single mother to a nearly 2 year old I have one friend I can trust left. One good friend lost the plot because I wouldn't put her before ds when he was 6mo so friendship ended.
Another "bestfriend" I have just found out is telling my ex anything I tell her (nothing I wouldn't say to him myself but wheres the loyalty) and she just ignored or cancelled plans all the time so I stopped making them and she just cares about a night out.
Third friend is my best ever friend who I know would drop anything and everything if we needed her. She has no problem going to a soft play area rather than going for lunch and she has no problem spending time with my ds. I could trust her with our lives and she knows that.
It really just depends on what type of friends you have before pregnancy as to whether they will stick around or turn as fake as my hair colour or if you can trust them and want to spend time with them.

Depends if you have good childcare or not.

I'm divorced with a very involved ex so I get enough free time when DS is with his dad to go out and maintain friendships but not everyone does.

Plus that was 12+ years ago. So it was easier then.

Plus I worked part time, so my ds's were all painted out/muddy and filled with plasticine in their hair, and satisfied with planting sunflowers, from their short time at nursery, which helped me immensely!

I have a 13 month old and I am pregnant.
I am exhausted and I don't have childcare.
At the weekends, I want to prioritise spending time with my husband and child as a family.
I've got one friend, with four grown up kids, who has been brilliant. She doesn't mind meeting me with baby in tow and we sometimes go to her area, my area or meet in the middle.
I can't be arsed with people who expect me to drive to theirs all the time. I am prepared to do an adult only evening once in a while, but not regularly.
My priorities have changed.

My life exists in a hierarchy of priorities: kids, work (which kids have made more precarious and vulnerable), marriage. And somewhere significantly further down, whatever dregs are left for myself. Seeing my friends falls into this category. Keeping the first three healthy requires almost all of my time. I can really only expend such time on the fourth as is necessary for survival and not losing the bloody plot myself.

I love seeing my friends without children, but the opportunities are going to be few and far between because of the relentless juggle that is life with kids. I also don't have the money I once had for drinks and dinner.

We tried combining friends with kids and friends without for Sunday lunch now. Utter disaster. The childfree friends couldn't tolerate the interruption and management that went with the kids. From bitter experience, seeing childfree friends with friends in tow simply doesn't work so all daytime socialising is with other parents. Evenings are very often needed for resting or prep or the bits of exercise I manage to fit in. During my rare time for myself, my most profound desire is usually to be left the fuck alone with nobody making demands on me.

What Chainsaw Bear said.

Clearly the OP is completely clueless.

I’m lucky in that my friendships haven’t really changed, but I can see how they easily could. My 2 best friends also have young children, so we are all at the same stage and just ‘get it’.

DH and I’s best friends, another married couple, don’t have children and don’t plan to. They are our dearest and oldest friends, and love our DD (2.5), but when we get together it is very different from 3 years ago. As PP have said, constant interruptions / toddler management etc etc. Luckily they are very understanding and patient, but I could see how it could be very irritating.

We don’t really have much in the way of childcare (GPs do this when I work, so a bit cheeky to ask for extra), so if we are going out with friends together, DD just has to come. It definitely changes the dynamic and is a lot less fun for everyone than it used to be!

They are in survival mode. They will regularly, if not every day, be not getting their own basic needs met. They will be sleep deprived to such an extent that even if they were able to organise to meet up then they would be too tired to enjoy it or be good company. They are in pain physically and at the end of themselves emotionally. They have a tiny human that they and only they can keep alive and it feels more than full time. They want to cry a lot.

This was me after my first child. Had a much better birth with subsequent children. But with small gaps it’s taken until my youngest is three to feel like I can actually maintain friendships again.

Of course parents find time for friendships. But it's not the old friends who don't have kids, it's the new ones they make at parents and toddler groups, or at nursery, or whom they meet on the school run.

YABU. Children are exhausting, also these parents tend to make friends with children once having children. Not to mention not many people can just dump their child on a babysitter and go to the pub once a month or so.

Well if you are pissed at them op for not making time for you then go and get new friends. Your life changes over night when you have kids and perhaps they sense that complete lack of empathy in you.

I do wonder if men would have the same sort of thread going. All the men I know are committed fathers but still find the time to go to after work drinks once a month, out for a long run with friends every other weekend, to watch the football in the pub every so often. Then tag team so their other half can go out every so often too. Or they both go out with their children and meet my husband and I / we have them all over to lunch.

I’m not talking about the first year so much here btw, but when they are a year or so older.

justkeeprunning, sadly a lot of women don't have that option because their partner is useless (you see it constantly on here), because of breastfeeding, because of PND,/PNA.

Op perhaps your friend hasn’t dropped you cos she’s had kids.. maybe she’s dropped you cos she’s sick of your bitchy shit

Should have said I know not everyone has this type of family dynamic! ⬆️

@AIBU25 instead of writing a deliberately self indulgent provocative thread on here why don’t you just tell the friends you have that are doing this to you what a load of pathetic sad sacks they are for never having any time to even “send you a text” because their bloody awful children have decimated their lives and ability to function as a socially mobile adult.
If I was one of them I would be relieved you’d done me a huge favour my giving me the excuse I needed to tell you to pull your head out of your child free arse and fuck off

Problem solved

Op
Imagine having to be switched on from 6am until 6pm every single day. No rest. Running from one thing to another.
Then from 6pm getting all the stuff done that you couldn't when the children were awake.
Add a broken night's sleep, the 'self care' you're meant to do. Oh yeah, and trying to maintain a relationship with your partner too, whose conversation doesn't mainly revolves around the drudgery of parenting.
It gets to 8.30pm and I just want to sit there, like a zombie.

I'll prioritise my (lack of) time for people who do actually understand and sympathise that life is now like a treadmill that you can't get off of.

So maybe your attitude is to blame if people aren't making the time for you. I wouldn't be prioritising you with that attitude!

I don’t know what it’s like for other parents but my life is unrecognisable since I’ve had kids. I have twins, one was born with a serious illness which was very stressful to manage, they never slept at the same time, then both were diagnosed with ASD and one has other disabilities too.

Aside from the sleep deprivation and lack of family around to offer help, and aside from my own health issues, it’s the mental load that breaks me. Have spent the last half a year lost to the EHCP process and about to lodge an appeal so that’s looking likely to be my only focus this year. Then there’s countless consultants and therapies for each twin. We’ve had 11 appointments in the last fortnight. I am not just exhausted, I can’t even think most of the time - my brain is spinning a hundred plates and I don’t have the time or energy to take care of myself properly, let alone other people. It was easier when I could put the twins in the buggy and they’d happily sit in it while we went for coffee. It’s completely different now. I can’t even take them out by myself these days as I can’t keep them both safe. I just do not recognise this life some parents of have, of lovely trips to the park, soft play, out for lunch, snuggling in your bed with you... this is so far from my life.

I have some lovely friends who also have twins and understand. We chat a lot and go out together a couple of times a year now. They understand if I go awol for a few weeks and if I have to cancel. When things are easier I try to make an effort in return.

I have very little contact with my pre-kids friends. I don’t expect them to make all the effort, I just accept that I don’t have the time, energy or mental capacity to maintain those friendships regularly. I make sure they know that I’m here if they need me. Maybe down the line we can pick up again.

As for a 3 hour round trip on a weeknight to go to the pub... not unless it was a very special occasion. But that would face verb true before kids!

I had a baby a few months ago and I've been the one making the effort! Whilst some of my friends haven't been at all interested in how we are doing.

It's sad

An awful lot of my pre kid socialising consisted of being in the pub for hours on end, that's really quite difficult with a child. I was the last of my friends to have a baby by a good few years and our meet ups went from being boozy afternoons and impromptu nights out to meeting at exactly 9.30am at the local NT property playground. I understood why, but it wasn't for me.

Now I've got a child I've got limited energy, barely any family help and my OH works late so I can't even get out the door till much later than everyone else. If I take DS to coffee or for lunch with friends I spend all my time entertaining him rather than enjoying my time with friends. Add in to the mix that I haven't been to the cinema or theatre for years, haven't finished a book in months, most of my Spotify playlists are nursery rhymes and I'm not sure I'm exactly great and engaging company!

@AIBU25B think it works both ways op.

Do you send a text to you friend? It’s exhausting and overwhelming sometimes.

Your up all night , bleeding and waking like the tin man out of the wizard of Oz, your boobs leek and if your like I was your hormones are all over and you want to die ( pnd is a bitch )

Have you text to check in on your friend? My friend that had a baby and I was childless I stayed with for a week to help look after three older child / hold baby and do anything she needed of me, it was about her not me.

Your not being rejected but your friends world has turned upside down, take a deep breath and if you love your friend text her and say what can I do? I am batch cooking dinners for you what do you fancy? Would you like an hours sleep because I would love to hold the baby and give you an hours precious sleep 💤 just a idea. They may say no because they feel they should do it all but the offer honestly is so appreciated

I am not flaming you op but it’s a hard one to understand, all births babies and recovery’s are different so if you have a close friendship trust there is good reason they haven’t got in touch and they are drowning.

I have a mix of Friends with children and without. My best friend is childfree but totally happy to be around my kids, play and occassionally babysit. We have adult time socialising too. I have two other close friends who have made it clear Since the DCs arrived that they are not interested and don’t really want to be around them. That was hard to swallow initially. It means that I am excluded from things like daytime summer bbqs, trips to the beach (we live near a very popular resort and summer Saturdays were previously spent on the beach) and walks in the countryside. All those sort of activities which are actually child friendly I feel like I have been excluded from as I now have children and they to quote “are not child friendly”. I get not wanting to be around small children or babies but even when they are older? Just a bit weird.

I don't have children. I have three close best friends, two of whom have children. One friend who has one child lived four hours away so we didn't see much of each other then anyway and it wasn't really an issue (we've made up for it since though ). The local friend had twins. I would go over once a week or so. I got to feed and bathe one and put them to bed which I loved. Then we'd have dinner and I would mosey on home. The friendship never suffered.

The twins were on a four hour feeding regime, bottle fed, and baby-wearing wasn't really a thing. Not that our friendship needed help but I'm guessing this may have made a difference in that my friend wasn't held "hostage" by her babies 24/7. Her DH was brilliant as well so nights out and even holidays without children weren't out of the question, often suggested by her. I think she was probably unusual and I've always been in awe of her and her parenting skills.

(Fortunately soft play wasn't a thing either as that might have been my red line )