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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be shocked by people's partners?

247 replies

ReallyLilyReally · 27/01/2020 01:28

SO MANY of the threads i read about new parents include women struggling hugely to cope with their babies, and when asked if there's a DP on the scene who can help, they say that he's just not interested/won't do night feeds/is too busy etc and that theyve already tried to get him to pitch in and he won't.

Call me stupid, but i cannot for the life of me work out why these women have had kids with men they can't rely on for support. What the hell kind of decision making is that? AIBU to think that it's bad parenting to knowingly give a kid a useless dad?

OP posts:
Nonnymum · 27/01/2020 08:17

Some men change when they have children. It's possible to have a seemingly perfect relationship with someone before children arrive for it to crumble once you have kids. On the whole women are not having children with people they think will be rubbish fathers. No on ecan predict the future and its unfair to blame the mothers

Straycatstrut · 27/01/2020 08:19

*Why is it the woman’s fault the man is ‘useless’?

Why are ‘useless’ men not judged for ‘choosing’ to have children when they are ‘useless’?

Why isn’t the man blamed for being ‘useless’ rather than the woman blamed for ‘picking’ someone ‘useless’ to have children with?

Why is the woman who ’picked’ a ‘useless’ man and therefore doing more than her fair share share of parenting not instead praised for doing so?*

This!!

I've been left as a SP by a man who everyone thought would be the perfect dad. He was patient and kind. He chose to study a childcare course to be an EYFS practitioner, on top of working in the NHS. They all loved him there! (wanted more males in the role). He got fed up with it all, left his course, cheated on me and then left me and left his children. Society still loves him because he is able to work 2 jobs now and pay a load of tax. Because he gets 24 hour free childcare from me.

Society hates me because it's my fault that I got pregnant by him.

Nonnymum · 27/01/2020 08:20

, a guy doesnt suddenly change from being helpful and supportive to useless overnight when a kid is born, surely?
Not overnight but over a few months or when baby number 2 comes then yes. Having a baby dies make a huge change.. No one really knows what sort of parent they will actually be until faces with it

ILoveYou3000 · 27/01/2020 08:20

I can think of three examples off the top of my head (friends of mine) where the man has been amazing with other people's kids, nieces nephews and he helps out etc but then with his own he's absolutely useless. Because he doesn't get to just do all the fun bits anymore. He has the hard parts too.

Honestly, one bloke I know, was amazing with his friends children; would be the one running around with them all at parties and the kids all adored "uncle Jimmy" but once he had his own child he was the worst dad I've ever met. He now had 5 children to 3 mothers and has lost a considerable number of friends. He doesn't see the middle 2 and barely sees the two eldest. No one would have guessed how bad a parent he'd turn out to be.

BlueMoon1103 · 27/01/2020 08:22

Either you’re very naive or very nasty, new Mums are posting for support on a SUPPORT forum and you’re bashing them for their partners being shit? Yes, always the woman’s fault Hmm

And no it’s not bad parenting, my ex fucked off when I got pregnant after saying he’d be happy to have children and I’m raising my DS alone, no I am NOT a bad parent because of his poor choices Angry maybe I should have read his mind and known he was lying scum or just got my crystal ball out? Angry

Oceanbliss · 27/01/2020 08:22

I love this thread! Not because of the OP but because of the majority of PP who are standing up for women. It's very heartening to read your posts. I'm glad there are so many strong, insightful, reasonable and empathetic women on this thread. Smile

Cam77 · 27/01/2020 08:24

@ILoveYou3000
Very true. Similarly, I cringe every time a father is praised for being “great with the kids”. It manages to be both sexist to women and patronizing to men in one short phrase.

Ginfordinner · 27/01/2020 08:25

I remember my late MIL telling me that having children changes a marriage (she was old and old fashioned). I wonder if some partnerships simply underestimate how much it can affect a relationship?

coffeeforone · 27/01/2020 08:30

AIBU to think that it's bad parenting to knowingly give a kid a useless dad?

So it's bad parenting not to have a crystal ball? YABU and stupid.

formerbabe · 27/01/2020 08:32

From what I've seen around me, lots of women who are in a relationship but don't have children yet are happy to do everything and work full time. It makes them feel wanted. They enjoy it and they feel it makes them indispensable to the man. This is tolerable and not too difficult pre kids but post kids, it's a hideous situation but it's too late as the man cannot understand these new expectations.

Cam77 · 27/01/2020 08:34

People do know if they’ll be a good parent. If you’re the kind of person who will honor a commitment to give up time, energy and money for your child, regardless of how fun or rewarding it may or not be, then you’ll almost certainly be a decent enough parent. Sadly, plenty of parents have no interest in making such a commitment, let alone honoring it through thick and thin.

billy1966 · 27/01/2020 08:35

I think there are definitely cases where despite a man being a lazy, selfish, self absorbed twat, a woman somehow imagines he's going to morph into someone who will give a shit about someone other than himself.
Honestly, I do find the "surprise" a bit 🙄.

What I find far more worrying is all the threads on here of women who are left absolutely stunned by a sudden about turn from a partner who was keen, kind and enthusiastic about having a baby to someone who just isn't interested and doesn't care.

There but for luck could happen to anyone.

Those are the threads as a mother of DD's that makes my blood go cold.

To think of one of my daughter's having a child with someone like that is chilling.

If1knewiwouldnotbehere · 27/01/2020 08:39

You know what you can rip this OP a new one all you want to. YOu know there are people out there who know their partners are not helpful, but still go into having children knowing they're useless and just think they'll be able to work around it or worse yet, that they're partner will come around. They don't just do it with one they do it with multiples.

Do I think it's bad parenting? I'm not so bold to judge. But it sure is not the best way for me. So I didn't do that. When life is easier alone than with your partner, you better believe making it alone makes more sense. The idea is to have a help-mate, not a help-weight.

Nearlyalmost50 · 27/01/2020 08:40

For a completely different take on it, my husband was what you might call a 'slow starter' to parenthood. He was very happy to have children but in those early days just didn't get really that his life had to change and that he could take charge of the baby, he used to work long hours, get in, I'd say 'do you want to bathe her' and he'd say not really, no! He just wasn't hands-on in those early days, either through nervousness or just not getting it. I would say it took til my eldest was one for him to really get with the programme, mainly through me leaving him with her for weekends/days whilst I worked, he then got very confident and proud that he was good at it, and cared for the second much more actively and better.

If you'd asked me in those early days whether he was a good dad, I would have said no. He definitely stepped up at one time point though and was happy to do even the wifework stuff (buying clothes, shoes, taking kids to classes, organising parties ).

Anotheruser02 · 27/01/2020 08:43

I love that even when it's the shite actions of men, the blame lands on the women.

This

PixieDustt · 27/01/2020 08:44

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ButterisbestLangClegisbetter · 27/01/2020 08:45

1st rule of misogyny women are responsible for everything men say and do.
OP, yes, you're stupid

isittooearlyforgin · 27/01/2020 08:50

Some women want babies and don’t mind having to do the lion’s share on their own if that’s what it takes.

Also the requirements for being a good boyfriend are not the same as being a good dad so how would you know until you’ve had a child together?

BertieBotts · 27/01/2020 08:52

WTF? I was all with you in being shocked at the partners until you turned it around and decided to judge the women who are lumped with useless cocklodgers and didn't realise until it was too late. YABU. Blame the right person.

OnlyYellowRoses · 27/01/2020 08:53

Unfortunately some of us chose to have children with men who changed after the child was born. I don't think anyone would knowingly choose a crap person to parent or to raise a child with, just circumstances change and suddenly the other person doesn't turn out to be as good as you thought they'd be. It's also very unfair to suggest that the good parent would actively put their child in that situation

leckford · 27/01/2020 08:54

From someone who has seen this often. Many men don’t want children in the first place, in my last job men would often say they don’t understand why ‘she’ wants one, often worse with additional ones. Having children is not interesting or fun and men think they have done their bit in going out to work.

It is like the complaints on here about hobbies. If he was cycling, footballing, playing golf, sailing etc before children why would he give up because there was now a baby?

Ellisandra · 27/01/2020 08:57

My XH was fucking useless with our baby / toddler / child. Lazy, basically.
Before we had the first child, I had:

  • seen him play with friends’ kids
  • had his parents tell me repeatedly how great he’d been with his niece / nephew (grown by this point, so I didn’t see it)
  • saw him send £5 in a birthday card to his ex’s 7yo because “it’s not her fault we split up”

I thought he was going to be one of the hands on ones 🤷🏻‍♀️

Dontdisturbmenow · 27/01/2020 09:01

Because woman often really decide when to have a baby and the man just go along with it.

Because women have 9 months to feel and bond with their baby, men start later, yet get hammered the second they are not as prepared as mum.

Because many mother's especially on MN become totally self absorbed, believe that nothing can possibly be harder than looking after a baby and totally forget that working ft, in a demanding job especially when commuting is involved is totally exhausting.

Then if course there are those who just totally blinded to their partner and when all can see how lazy he is and that reality only comes true when she needs more support.

karencantobe · 27/01/2020 09:07

@dontdisturbmenow Like most women I have spent most of my adult years commuting and working full-time. No I don't find it exhausting. If you do I recommend a health check up.

SpinneyHill · 27/01/2020 09:09

I mean, a guy doesnt suddenly change from being helpful and supportive to useless overnight when a kid is born, surely? If he never helped you out before, why think he'd help you out once you had a kid?

Yes, they do change because a baby changes everything including the adults in the house, and what exactly do adult women need help with before a baby?
What a ridiculous post.