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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be shocked by people's partners?

247 replies

ReallyLilyReally · 27/01/2020 01:28

SO MANY of the threads i read about new parents include women struggling hugely to cope with their babies, and when asked if there's a DP on the scene who can help, they say that he's just not interested/won't do night feeds/is too busy etc and that theyve already tried to get him to pitch in and he won't.

Call me stupid, but i cannot for the life of me work out why these women have had kids with men they can't rely on for support. What the hell kind of decision making is that? AIBU to think that it's bad parenting to knowingly give a kid a useless dad?

OP posts:
Cuppa2sugars · 27/01/2020 06:02

Some husbands are really good at providing in other ways. Money for example, being good in a real crises, great at fixing cars, or fantastic at emotional support. But when it comes to day to day child care they just can’t do it.

I expect you are good at some things and rubbish at other things too.

HomerSimpsonSmilingPolitely · 27/01/2020 06:08

I can count perhaps 1 man out of my nct and friendship group who didnt turn into an absolute twat immediately the baby was born.

Really? That's horribly depressing. That's not my experience at all.

(I'm not being goady btw, just genuinely sad that this has happened to so many women you know at the time when they need help the most)

Bigpaintinglittlepainting · 27/01/2020 06:14

Unfortunately my ex went from being a liberal, equal parter to a selfish useless prick the minute I got pregnant. I didn’t see it coming as before we had ds he wasn’t selfish and really critical of other men that he then emulated to a tee. He is an ex now but I went through hell wit him.

I’m an educated, strong woman and have had great relationships throughout my life, he was something I’d never seen before.

ScreamingLadySutch · 27/01/2020 06:21

It is called 'the endless punishment of breeding with a fuckwit' (Chump Lady)

I do think that women ignore huge signs that he is not that in to her/sex machine with an apron

and get pregnant because that is what THEY want.

I do think marriage is a visible sign that a man is putting his money where his mouth is. Old fashioned view, but actions speak louder than words.

thickwoollytights · 27/01/2020 06:25

Sadly, OP, you are stupid. Also judgemental and rather unkind.

Probably from the Daily Mail, too Wink

YakkityYakYakYak · 27/01/2020 06:29

That’s right - bash the women for giving their children a useless Dad, rather than blaming the men themselves.

AgentPrentiss · 27/01/2020 06:34

Even if they were useless before babies came along, there was no change, always been a fuckwit etc. did you ever stop to think for a moment that a lot of women haven’t had the same upbringing, role models and education that you have had?

Whilst you may be able to spot a useless cunt a mile away, many women think that’s just normal, and how men are, because that’s how they grew up, that’s what was modelled to them, and that’s the men they see around them. Many can’t fathom that life can be any different.

So your whole post smacks of “I’m better than you because I would never get involved with such a man” judgemental bullshit. Maybe you could volunteer at a homeless shelter, a refuge, talk to some women who may come from low socioeconomic backgrounds, and actually imagine that there is life outside your middle class bubble.

Because I didn’t even have to think too hard about that. There’s situations are all around us. So either you really are stupid, or you’re a complete snob who never leaves her lovely gated community.

Sotiredofthislife · 27/01/2020 06:36

Oh ok, it’s me that’s the bad parent, is it? See, I stuck around, I work full time and some, my children wear clean clothes, eat homemade food, live in a warm home, have regular haircuts, have their homework done and have their medical needs seen to. They are loved, safe and secure.

But what you actually think I should do is take responsibility for my ex’s poor parenting, his lack of maintenance, his on/off attitude to seeing his children, his very many new partners that never seem to last, his lax attitude to a life threatening condition one of our children has etc etc etc. You actually think all of that is my fault and you judge me? What about judging him?

My only mistake was not to have a crystal ball on the day I married.

recrudescence · 27/01/2020 06:39

I think that decent men are in short supply and that’s a problem for women who want children. I suspect that some of them do take a chance on unsuitable candidates.

Sotiredofthislife · 27/01/2020 06:43

I do think marriage is a visible sign that a man is putting his money where his mouth is. Old fashioned view, but actions speak louder than words

Marriage doesn’t stop men being useless or abusive.

Oblomov20 · 27/01/2020 06:44

Clearly there is a bigger problem, if all these men who before appeared to be semi reasonable and then turned into utter idiots!!

No seriously, if you really look at what is going on here, it's very worrying.

Men and their expectations? What previous generations of mums have or rather haven't taught their sons, that we've ended up here?

Littlemissdaredevil · 27/01/2020 06:48

My DH was like this. When I met him I was impressed that he was such as family man. He would look after his sisters children so that they could have a break. He did do the washing up, cleaning, mowing the law, etc. However, I had DD and it was like everything changed overnight and he suddenly became the all important man who was ‘tired’ after finishing work at 4.30. He suddenly expected me to do everything in the house - emptying a bin was too much for him. Sadly giving birth seems to have given him some kind of housework blindness, that is blindness to what needs doing and all blindness to the stuff I do everyday!

NewRoadToHappinessxx · 27/01/2020 06:48

My ex husband turned from attentive loving husband who couldn’t do enough for me to and jealous idiot when my baby was born. Probably the most idiotic post Ive ever read. Must be nice in your ideal world !!

Yestermost · 27/01/2020 06:49

I love that even when it's the shite actions of men, the blame lands on the women.

YellWat · 27/01/2020 06:52

Well... I'm constantly astonished at what women do in relationships generally... So many of them put up with not equally sharing the housework right from the beginning. And the number of women I know who didn't even expect their husband to get up for the kids in the night (he's got to work... Yes and you've got to look after a vulnerable life).
Yes the men are rubbish but the women facilitate and allow it. People do what they can get away with.
I would rather be single if I had anything less than 100% equality and total support.

pictish · 27/01/2020 06:53

Ohh wow, you are such a clever person to be in possession of foresight like you are. It must be nice up there on your cloud of all-seeing righteousness. Well done on your choices. Have a chocolate medal.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 27/01/2020 06:54

It's bad parenting to be a bad parent. It's not bad parenting to have a child with someone who turns out to be a bad parent.

OP do you have children? Are you still with their dad?

ImNotACuntYoureACunt · 27/01/2020 06:55

Call me stupid

^ You’re stupid. Happy to help.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 27/01/2020 06:58

I've just done a quick search @ReallyLilyReally and do you want to know what is bad parenting? Going against the NHS guidelines for safe sleeping.

yomellamoHelly · 27/01/2020 06:58

Mine changed over night when our eldest was born. Had known him 19 years, lived together for 15 of those and married for 3. Would never have predicted it. Still remember how shocked I felt and alone and having to adjust.
It's only now the kids are teens and we're starting to think about the eldest moving out that he's starting to pull his weight again. My MIL gets upset when I'm on the kids case about pulling their weight, so think the attitude was fostered when he was young.

user1480880826 · 27/01/2020 06:59

The bar is set very low for men.

Why is it always the woman’s fault when a man is useless?

Orangeblossom78 · 27/01/2020 07:00

I have also found a change after babies luckily for me I had the opposite. Concerned about having DC at all. Then after really stepped up. But yes I think it is unpredictable. So yabu to think it is predictive.

hazell42 · 27/01/2020 07:02

Call me stupid but..

Stupid
Also, smug

Luckystar777 · 27/01/2020 07:03

I agree with you OP, there's no excuse for being a shit parent.

yomellamoHelly · 27/01/2020 07:04

Will add we also went from me earning more than him to two years of him struggling to get a better-paid job (didn't return to work for a few reasons - health / needs of dc) so that we could pay our own way / afford to do something nice even once a week. So maybe that's part of the psychology.? Resenting having that "responsibility". Me getting a job again was a another turning point towards more balance.