To be shocked by people's partners?

[ReallyLilyReally]

SO MANY of the threads i read about new parents include women struggling hugely to cope with their babies, and when asked if there's a DP on the scene who can help, they say that he's just not interested/won't do night feeds/is too busy etc and that theyve already tried to get him to pitch in and he won't.

Call me stupid, but i cannot for the life of me work out why these women have had kids with men they can't rely on for support. What the hell kind of decision making is that? AIBU to think that it's bad parenting to knowingly give a kid a useless dad?

I don't know a single man that was DESPERATE to have children, they like the idea and so on, have some dreams, yes.

That plus the fact that society has sexist views and requirements regarding childrearing puts women at a disadvantage.

One immediate solution needs to be more vetting by women - the result will be less children overall, more women that cannot fulfill their wish for children.

Not sure about everyone else, but I for one will be teaching my daughters not to follow their hearts without engaging brains. 'Love', ie hormonal rush is all well and good, but it's never enough. Sentimental claptrap is worthless. Most men don't even begin to deserve a woman.

We need to teach our daughters to put themselves first.

Notsoimp If I accidentally left my car unlocked I would take full responsibility for leaving it unlocked but not for it being stolen. Fwiw, a car theif doesn't need it unlocked anyway as they could easily just smash a side window and reach in to unlock it. Or they might know another way with a screwdriver or coat hanger.

I locked my keys in the car once while on a camping holiday and a group of guys helped me out. They used something (I can't remember what) and unlocked my car in no time.

A thief is a thief and no one but the theif should be guilty of their crime.

OP - Most dads only get 2 weeks paternity leave before they have to go back to work. They're then expected to work full time and come home and help out with the baby, do night feeds but be up and fresh for work the next morning. One can only do so much.

Also I think it takes longer for men to bond with their baby. Remember that mums have been carrying the baby for 9 months, felt it kicking etc. I know my DH really struggled to adjust to becoming a dad and how much it changes your life. Especially in the early months when you don't get anything back. Once DD started smiling and laughing at him he became much more smitten and now loves her to bits. I think you're being unfair imo.

Men get 9 months to bond with their baby to some extent. The woman carries, but the man also watches her belly grow, can feel kicks if he places his hand on her belly, can attend scans. Presumably he'll also be involved in shopping for the baby, presumably he'll read books and articles about pregnancy and child development. Or not, if he's useless.

Yes, they have to work AND care for their children. So it's tiring. Diddums. As is going through pregnancy, childbirth, then having to look after a newborn 24/7 whilst healing. Oh, not to mention that there's the household to look after as well. If a women can do it, so can men.

I never "bonded" with my children in utero... never really understood that. Didn't impact my ability to look after my child when she was born though, so it shouldn't impact a man's either. Plus plenty of mums work and look after their babies, we get tired too! Or does that not count?

What about coupes who adopt babies? Are they both terrible parents at the beginning because they did not get to bond with the baby in utero? Or do they just step up to the bloody plate.

"I mean, a guy doesnt suddenly change from being helpful and supportive to useless overnight when a kid is born, surely?"

No not always overnight OP they can change over weeks, months or years. I mean my exh said and did all the right things throughout the pregnancy and for about two weeks after my baby was born.

Unfortunately after that he became a complete
Cunt and stated out 5 out of 7 nights because he didn't feel bonded with his child and wasn't ready for his life to change to the level it had. It was at this time he because financially abusive also. Wanting me to pay for 50% off everything whilst on maternity pay but obviously not counting childcare in that as I was "off work anyway " so it was all up to me.

He pays no maintenance and the csa are totally crap at making him and as many women on here will tell you, don't really bother doing much (they send the odd letter telling him he's late paying) to make them pay.

So apologies if it wasn't meant that way but your opening post sounded really goady as if it's the women's fault they have ended up in that situation. It's never the women's fault that their babies fathers are not pulling their weight. That's on them, the fathers.

However by the same token, I wouldn't set out to have a baby with someone who I didn't think was in it to be a proper Dad or partner.

DP changed the instant I told him I was pregnant (planned) I'm still waiting for him to change back to the man I met 🤷🏻‍♀️

You can't know a person inside out but there are ALWAYS signs that these men may turn out to be problematic. Love goggles = we tend to skip over the little things that could in future turn into big problems.

I've done that in the past and can fully admit it. There are women won't take any responsibility for bad decisions. It's OK to say 'I got it wrong' you have to face yourself sometimes. We don't always get it right so I don't see why swathes of women are saying he was like that suddenly he's like this

“I think in some cases you can absolutely blame the man’s mother for bringing him up to believe that women are here to serve men”

Always the woman's fault isn't it

fligglepige If you re-read my post you will see that I wrote in SOME cases, not always

And what about his father?

OH’s dad died when he was four

I don't know a single man that was DESPERATE to have children, they like the idea and so on, have some dreams, yes

Interestingly, neither have I. I have known men whose wives have wanted children and they have acquiesced, but without enthusiasm. Inevitably these marriages didn’t last. It is worrying that there are countless posts on MN from women desperate to have a baby or another baby and their partners aren't on board. They seem to have an unrealistic fairytale view of parenthood, and should perhaps be directed to threads like this.

My DH was desperate for another one after having two. He really loves being a dad. So yes there are some who do...(I told him two was enough).

@HeadLikeAFuckinOrange

Im wondering if your friend married my Ex! He would help out around the house, do feeds etc when our son was a baby and whilst admittedly things were not perfect between us I would never had called him useless, lazy etc and he was good in that regard, HOWEVER once our son turned two, he decided he had enough which oddly coincided with him doing stint in Bahrain for a month and came back a different man, but didn’t tell me he had enough, oh no.. he basically said his company was sending him back for a week and he never came back again... that was 10 years ago, never saw his son again and to add insult his parents were quite happy to have their son abandon his child.

I later found out that the ex partner he claimed up and left him and took his son back to her country was living 30 miles away from me in Reading, and he also abandoned them, she then told me that he also has another child in Mozambique with a woman he told me died whilst pregnant with his child when she got run over, turns out she alive has his kid out there and when he moved on to his next project ( he’s an engineer) he just up and left them?!?!

I don’t think any woman can preempt that kinda messed up/need head seeing to shit. But I actually blame his parents for this as I found out parents were fully aware of how he kept planning ( not accidentally but planning) to have children with women and just dropping them and moving on like he was leaving a bag of old clothes, but he was leaving a trail of sad children around the world, yet they would always blame the woman?!?!. It’s absolutely disgusting. If I could find a way to expose him I would as he does this shit for sport.

I often think these types of threads are written while pissed of at DH's so it's geared to make them sound bad instead of the true black and white of it!
I actually find that with most AIBU posts...all in the wording!

Rise your hands please if you are still married or single!!!!
I bet you are all single and all the men are idiots.... 🙄

Happily married, @Andsbk , thanks for your concern.

Happily married for 38 years to a man who does pull his weight, in spite of having a mother whose attitude never left the 1950s

Still married @andsbk but like many others once I was pregnant then had the baby and was vulnerable the behaviour of my other half changed.

He really struggled with the responsibility and his temper got out of control - I was very accepting of his behaviour as I just wanted to nest and make a stable home for the baby. I kept forgiving crazy temper outbursts where he would scream at me, accuse me of affairs etc.

It took a few years for me (and him) to get out of that dynamic. I was at breaking point and ready to walk, that's what it took. We made it and it's fine now but I could not go back to that behaviour- I am very intolerant of a raised voice now, I could not have predicted his change. I had known him as a good friend before we got together for over 15 years. I would not blame someone in my position for breaking up sooner. Looking back I feel there is a sliding doors moment where I should not have moved in with him when I was pregnant - I didn't know what I was in for.

We are 10 years down the line now. I think perhaps some men don't get or cope well with parenthood particularly that huge life change in the early stages. For whatever reason they seem surprised by the change, often resentful of it. I have observed it not just in my relationship but in others.

Why are you here OP? I mean, I would have thought you’d be out somewhere spending the millions you made on the ‘how to be perfect and never make mistakes’ book you’ve written.
Oh, wait...

Also still happily married @Andsbk just with a period of unhappiness when things got bloody tough, like a lot of other people 🙄

I agree with the OP. There is mistakes, and then there is irresponsibility. For example, if your partner won't commit to you and has convictions, and can't hold a job, would you have not one baby with him, not two babies with him, but three? Or four? Once is an acceptable mistake. Fair enough. Twice is irresponsible. Third+ is just taking the piss and/or glutton for punishment. A pp above said they husband was ok til their first daughter. That indicates that she went and had a second with him again. The OP is right, and I think there are a lot of defensive people on here who don't want to see the truth. With some men - maybe not all, but some, the writing is on the wall as to their character well before you even have the first child.