To be shocked by people's partners?

[ReallyLilyReally]

SO MANY of the threads i read about new parents include women struggling hugely to cope with their babies, and when asked if there's a DP on the scene who can help, they say that he's just not interested/won't do night feeds/is too busy etc and that theyve already tried to get him to pitch in and he won't.

Call me stupid, but i cannot for the life of me work out why these women have had kids with men they can't rely on for support. What the hell kind of decision making is that? AIBU to think that it's bad parenting to knowingly give a kid a useless dad?

Thank you @Shev1996. It's been a process of trying to adjust to new realities.

@Skippingabeat they have you, so they are lucky x

Yes op, you are stupid.

For me I really didn’t know how much emotional support I would need (and did not get) having my child. Second time round I was aware but had done it once unsupported so anything marginally better I knew I could deal with.

I think a very small percentage of women would say their partners do their fair share with a baby.

I'm calling you stupid! It must be hard being so perfect op?

So many negative comments... OP now you understand why they are in this situation?

Yes, let's hold women accountable for men's behaviour. These silly women who just unwittingly get themselves knocked up should be made to feel shit while they are struggling for failing to divine their partner's actions and circumstances in the future.

I would have been with you if you'd just held the men accountable for their behaviour. I am genuinely surprised by how utterly selfish many men are in a relationship. I just think having children makes it more obvious.

🍿 these comments, you asked for that one OP

And FWIW, YABU, you're wrong. That does not make women bad mothers at all, regardless of whether they knew he was a dead beat or not.

I partly agree with you OP, but only when a couple have a baby very early on in a relationship without really knowing the other person.

Men can change when their partner is pregnant and after she has the baby however long you've been together.

But this is far more likely if the pregnancy was unplanned, the man never wanted kids in the first place or you never had chance to discuss it, you were in the loved up honeymoon phase of a relationship where you are blind to the other's flaws, if you have never lived together or not long enough to know the other person's worst traits, you weren't committed to each other or hadn't given any consideration to a long term financial or parental committment.

..a guy doesnt suddenly change from being helpful and supportive to useless overnight

How the hell do you know that? Done a countrywide survey have you?

People change all the time and if statistics are telling you abuse increases significantly after pregnancy/birth then what are you still struggling to understand?

OR....Is it that you'd prefer to believe that ALL women are lying rather then accept that a significant number of men are abusive emotionally / physically ... a trait they'd obviously want to hide until they have partners TRAPPED???

strange you would think that OP.When women become distant after childbirth they are given help. also people lie say they will be there for you then do sod all once the baby arrives. Lets see how your perfect life turns out because your not exempt from it happening to you too.

The change usually happens when the woman becomes pregnant.
That is when most men no longer feel they need to do anything more to maintain the relationship because it is unlikely a pregnant woman will leave them.

this has to be a troll post.

OP's is the usual blaming women for what men do post.

Abusive men blame the women they are abusing, to shift blame off of themselves and avoid personal responsibility. Then people like you come along and blame the women for the men's abusive behavior. So, what you are doing is giving your support to abusive men, agreeing with them that it's women who are to blame. Well then, it's little wonder why so many men get away with treating women like garbage with the kind of validation they get from the likes of you. And while the perpetrators are personally responsible for their behavior, who is responsible for them not being held accountable? Who is responsible for validating their excuses and sense of entitlement? People like you, that's who. Shame on you.

namechange1041
🍿grin these comments, you asked for that one OP
And FWIW, YABU, you're wrong. That does not make women bad mothers at all, regardless of whether they knew he was a dead beat or not.

This.

Have you had a baby because if not you'll think back on this thread and realise what a naive dick you were. I can count perhaps 1 man out of my nct and friendship group who didnt turn into an absolute twat immediately the baby was born. These were people in long term committed relationships and/or married which despite 1 being quite shotgun is a big sign of commitment. Sadly when their dws/gfs became more vulnerable then dh/dbs used the opportunity to simply refuse to help and have the baby impact on their lives, often surpurred on by mummy dearest. I had a much planned and wanted baby with my DH, who turned into an arsehole the moment we got out of recovery (grim c section, lost a lot of blood, clots and extended incision with a special care baby). I had no way of predicting that nor I really have had to given that we had done all the reading, chatting and nct prep. What transpired is that I had been unknowingly parenting a lot of the adults around me and lacked boundaries but I couldn't have seen that I went through such a serious trauma. Hindsight is a wonderful thing and this experience has given me an amazing strength and BS intolerance. Perhaps MWs and HVs should be more aware and primed to support women in this situation rather than blaming women at their most vulnerable

People do change unfortunately! I know 2 couples that were together years before having kids and have now broken up due to the husband becoming despondent when not centre of attention

YABU the woman is not solely to blame, some couples are very very much in love and jointly agree to have a baby. With no prior experience of parenting they woefully underestimate how stressful being a parent is and how this affects the dynamics of being a couple. Some couples pull together and work their way through it and agree the division of labour, some couples struggle and it brings out their worst behaviour resulting in emotional or physical abuse and/or the breakdown of the relationship.

You cannot always predict that a male partner will turn abusive post pregnancy.

YABVU OP!

My ex was a textbook wonderful husband. Lovely son to his mother, really caring to his 6 sisters , he really impressed my parents with his nice and helpful personality. Early marriage was fine, he cooked and cleaned and put in a new garden. All good. Really wanted kids, talked about how parenthood was " the meaning of life"

Then DD came along and things just started slipping. He stayed at work more, volunteered to do weekend shifts so he was around less , and I never got a sleep in, or any night time help. But he was a good provider so I thought he was doing his best.

DS came along and by then, ex was rarely home. Played with the kids when he was there, but wasn't much of a dad , or much of a husband. Then he had an affair. So it was game over.

Since the divorce , he rarely sees the kids . They are grown up now , and he only bothers if they ring and ask him if they can go over to his place. It's like he is a different person from the man who used to say that " parenthood is the meaning of life"

Victim blaming much, OP?
In my circle of smart, discerning, clued up friends and female colleagues, generally savvy about people and working in areas of education, safeguarding and healthcare, many have experienced what you describe, and worse, following the arrival of DCs. Apparent top blokes before, useless at best and abusive bordering on homicidal at worst after babies. Such an awful situation to find yourself in. Desperate.
So you are embarrassing yourself and being very unreasonable.

I think you're not fully wrong. It can be both. Sometimes people change.
But i have 2 really close friends where this is an issue. One got divorced in the end, the other is still moaning about how she has to do everything herself. I know their partners and have known them before. They were useless from the day they met. Nobody in our circle liked them and the women were warned several times. Yet they got married, had kids and now act all surprised that their husbands arent amazing fathers.

Here we go again. YABU.