Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be shocked by people's partners?

247 replies

ReallyLilyReally · 27/01/2020 01:28

SO MANY of the threads i read about new parents include women struggling hugely to cope with their babies, and when asked if there's a DP on the scene who can help, they say that he's just not interested/won't do night feeds/is too busy etc and that theyve already tried to get him to pitch in and he won't.

Call me stupid, but i cannot for the life of me work out why these women have had kids with men they can't rely on for support. What the hell kind of decision making is that? AIBU to think that it's bad parenting to knowingly give a kid a useless dad?

OP posts:
dairyfairies · 27/01/2020 07:05

gosh, what an ignorant post.

you know that not every pregnancy is planned?

you know that people change?

you know that abuse in relationships very often starts in pregnancy or after the birth of a child?

are you living under a rock or what?

dairyfairies · 27/01/2020 07:07

I mean, a guy doesnt suddenly change from being helpful and supportive to useless overnight when a kid is born, surely?

are you for real??? Shock

pictish · 27/01/2020 07:10

Ok my comment down there was flippant...but frankly your OP is aggravating. Blame where it doesn’t belong over something that cannot always, or even often, be predicted.

That’s a very simplistic viewpoint you’re holding there.

RoryGillmoresEvilTwin · 27/01/2020 07:15

Oh gosh! I'm so glad the op was here to tell me I'm a bad parent.
Obviously choosing a man that 100% did change once I'd given birth is on me. Likewise his disinterest and subsequent suicide. I shall immediately self refer to ss!

I guess I'll also stop doing everything in my power to make our lives better and provide a secure and loving environment. Cheers op!

Btw, how's the view up there in that glass castle?
I really hope something doesn't come along to shatter, it because you know if it does, it'll all be on you and your shitty choices.

RantyAnty · 27/01/2020 07:17

Let's not blame the women here.

The real question is why are there so many useless men? Why and how do they become so lazy and useless?

GiveHerHellFromUs · 27/01/2020 07:20

*Let's not blame the women here.

The real question is why are there so many useless men? Why and how do they become so lazy and useless?*

Probably their mother's faults for giving them such poor male role models Wink

What do you think, OP?

BlackSwan · 27/01/2020 07:21

So smug. Well done you.

dottiedodah · 27/01/2020 07:23

People can change and not for the better clearly! YABU yes .Maybe you have a perfect family set up ,lucky old you! I think many men just cant cope with the fact that they are no longer number 1 in the womans life and getting up to do night duties is knackering! Add to this the fact that many women are too tired for Sex ,or dont feel up to it after having a child and some men will just act badly .How can anyone "know" this will happen FFS!

slipperywhensparticus · 27/01/2020 07:31

In case you haven't got it yet yes they do I wont bore your with the details of my ex suffice to say people usually scrape there jaw off the floor when I tell them what he is doing because he really is that bad

Frenchw1fe · 27/01/2020 07:34

@Oblomov20 you surely mean what previous generations of mothers And fathers have taught their sons or you're also blaming women.

PanicAndRun · 27/01/2020 07:36

In my case he didn't change, I did or to be more specific my needs did. When it was just the two of us, we were fairly go with the flow, any goes, screw the housework today and he was supportive of me in many ways. Then the baby came and my standards changed . A mix of him being who he is, being terrified of handling a small baby , long hours and me being a martyr meant he was pretty useless for the first few years of her life and quite lazy in general.

We had a big argument where I got over myself and told him exactly how I feel and what I think. Then he changed in a good way.

He's done all the housework yesterday while I played with DD and just faffed around.

BumblebeeBum · 27/01/2020 07:40

Why is it the woman’s fault the man is ‘useless’?

Why are ‘useless’ men not judged for ‘choosing’ to have children when they are ‘useless’?

Why isn’t the man blamed for being ‘useless’ rather than the woman blamed for ‘picking’ someone ‘useless’ to have children with?

Why is the woman who ’picked’ a ‘useless’ man and therefore doing more than her fair share share of parenting not instead praised for doing so?

chipsandgin · 27/01/2020 07:41

Well it’s an original take on victim blaming OP! Lucky for you that you obviously live in a world were nobody has ever turned out to be less than you thought they were. I’m assuming you live with a man who entirely shares (not ‘helps’) with all responsibilities without any encouragement & is faithful & honest & that you yourself are beyond reproach?

Let’s hope all that smug doesn’t bite you on the arse one day..

PollyPelargonium52 · 27/01/2020 07:43

Slightly off point but smugness abounds everywhere and many people can get away with living in a bubble.

Fuckitwhynot · 27/01/2020 07:49

It must be so freeing to view the world in such a black and white manner.

Nanna50 · 27/01/2020 07:54

@ReallyLilyReally ...
Call me stupid

You’re stupid and your posts back that up.

karencantobe · 27/01/2020 07:55

What surprises me is how little a lot of dads care about their kids.

cavabiensepasser · 27/01/2020 07:58

There you go OP, loads of reasons. The most important one being that men are trash.

But also, women are just too fucking kind to men. Women love their men too much, more so than they love themselves, and that pisses me right off.

SunOnAll · 27/01/2020 08:08

It's always the mothers fault, eh?

Jesus OP, yeah, stupid.

lazylinguist · 27/01/2020 08:10

Some men change. But in a lot of cases women probably do have children with men who have shown plenty of signs that they will be a shit parent. Sometimes it's because the woman was desperate to have a child, or got pregnant by accident, or thought the man would step up once he became a father. Or simply because the woman has had an abusive upbringing
trauma in her life or really poor relationship models in her own background and thinks that it's acceptable and normal for a man to be like that.

Cam77 · 27/01/2020 08:10

I think some women make the mistake in assuming that their partner saying “I want to be a dad” means “I want to be a parent”. IE an equally contributing, 50/50 split, giving up some/most of my hobbies and/or time and/or money parent.
For some men, being a dad and being a parent is the same thing, but for some men they aren’t the same thing. For some women this is ok, for some it isn’t. Often, problems arise when men and women assume how their partner views parenthood. Yes, there are other mitigating factors, but some men are just not interested in nappies or cooking and cleaning. They might love kicking ball about at the weekend, though. In these supposedly postfeminist times, that can come as a nasty shock if going into it blind.

Fallsballs · 27/01/2020 08:13

Smugness isn’t very attractive OP.
I wonder does your husband feel the same.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 27/01/2020 08:14

Not this again!
Pps have said it all really so I don't have to.
What a goady post.
I didn't actually believe ex dp was so useless and abusive til it was actually happening..... call me stupid

Onescaredmuma · 27/01/2020 08:16

YABU my husband is a brilliant dad and with our first he he was hands on I EBF so he couldn't do night feeds but he got her brought her to me burped her and settled her after every feed and argued with me that he wanted to change her nappy! When my second was born he did nothing he never woke in the night with us never changed her nappy unless I made him she wouldn't settle well so he gave up and it was always on me (turned out she had bad reflux) I ended up suffering PND and to be honest I think he was struggling with something similar. Our 3rd he was great again so something was going on with him and his mental health to be so different that time. I'm not saying there aren't plenty of useless men out there but saying the woman should know and that it doesn't change after children is unreasonable. It is also well documented that many types of abuse start after a woman gets pregnant because then in his mind it is harder for her to leave.

Ginfordinner · 27/01/2020 08:16

But also, women are just too fucking kind to men. Women love their men too much, more so than they love themselves, and that pisses me right off.

I think this is true of some women. How many times do we read posts from women who say that their partner is a great dad, but goes out on a drinks and drugs binge every Saturday, not rolling in until 5am?

But in a lot of cases women probably do have children with men who have shown plenty of signs that they will be a shit parent

I think this is true as well. I realise that there are many reasons that women have babies with unsuitable men, but why then do they have subsequent babies with a man who is clearly not fulfilling his role as a father?

Time after time we read posts from women who are clearly in unhappy relationships who then say they are TTC. It is as if the desire to become pregnant trumps everything else in their lives.

Swipe left for the next trending thread