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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is my neighbour being unreasonable or am I?

244 replies

Ladyrill5 · 26/01/2020 22:56

Looking for some advice on the following:

I’ve lived in my property for four years and moved in when I was pregnant with my first child. Within a few days/weeks of moving in, a few neighbours complained about parking. Most of the issues were that they didn’t want us to park on the public street outside their houses as they did - ridiculous as any taxed car can park there but we had a specific issue with parking with our next door neighbours.

We live in an end terrace and have an allocated parking space outside our house. The parking space is shared with these neighbours but can comfortably park three cars. They have one car, we have another. When I was 6 months pregnant. Our neighbour came round and started shouting at me as someone was parked in her space and she couldn’t get out of her garage. It transpired that the car belonged to her other adjoining neighbour who were desperately trying to get their 90 odd year old mother from the front door to the car. She did shout at them but said she had unfinished business with me.

A day or two later, she came round to discuss her issues. She said that she found me to be incredibly rude as I’d assumed the middle space was shared between us (it is) but she doesn’t want anyone parking there. She acknowledged that the parking that day, in her space, had nothing to do with me but still thought we were taking liberties by letting guests park in the middle. I apologised as I hadn’t meant to cause upset and we agreed to share it.

Since then, they’ve complained that our joiner left dust in the cracks of the pavement after he’d swept up after himself and insisted my OH sprays down the pavement with water, which we have. They’ve complained about our surround sound TV - we’ve turned it right down. They’ve complained our shared fence post bends into their garden, we’ve tried to mend it. They’ve complained about music being played during the day (not loud) but we’ve switched it off immediately. We never make household noise between the hours of 9-7am. We try to be as considerate as possible but the one thing we can’t help are the noises our children are making. We have a 3 and a half year old daughter and a 6 month old son.

Last year, she complained that our daughter, then 2 screams a lot. I asked her to clarify and she said that this wasn’t crying or tantrum screams but excited screams during the day. A combination of me trying to teach her not to and her just naturally growing out of it.

Today, my auntie was visiting and on returning from a meal out, my auntie arrived home first. She parked a little too far over to let me get the baby seat out and had said she’d move the car once he was out but unfortunately, my neighbour returned home from a weekend away and was fuming.

She collared me immediately and said it’s about time we had a chat about noise levels again. She said that my daughter had finally stopped with the screaming and when I said that I do try to get the kids to keep the noise down, she responded by saying that she chose not to have children so why should she have to listen to noise from mine. It just so happens that whilst she was away her lodger had been making so much noise that my daughter thought someone had broken in which I did mention but I’ve come away feeling very anxious about it all. I’ve recently been diagnosed with post-natal anxiety following my son being hospitalised, amongst other things (he’s fine now). I feel I should point out that most nights my children sleep 7.30-7.30 and have since 8 and 10 weeks old. It’s rare we have a bad night. I also feel that on all other matters of complaint, we’ve bent over backwards to accommodate her. I know she’ll come round in a few days and I’m at a loss as what else I can say to her. Any thoughts or advice would be welcomed.

OP posts:
SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 28/01/2020 18:18

Have you or actually been in her house to listen to what she can hear?

I would suggest that next time she comes knocking regarding the TV or music, you ask to come into her home and see for yourself what she is complaining about.

You are then in a good position to tell her to get to fuck if it's an acceptable level.

She sounds like a nightmare.

ToftyAC · 28/01/2020 18:18

OP - I feel your pain. We have equally as batshit NDNs. We rang 101 so many times to report harassment that the local police sent a PCSO round to read them the riot act (and warn them if the reported us maliciously and without evidence for anything again, they would charge them). Tell her to 0121-do-one. We no longer engage. They did have to ask us something not so long ago and I used MN advice in that “no” is a complete sentence....

Wilkie1956mog · 28/01/2020 18:20

Simply ignore her. Or smile all the time she is talking to you and then when she is finished walk away without any comment or response at all. If she gets no response from you she might give it up. And live your life normally. Obviously don't play music over loud etc but if what you are doing is reasonable and just normal living, stop worrying.

Tubs11 · 28/01/2020 18:29

Next time she comes to the door say you don't have time for this and to speak to her solicitor if she has an issue so that any corrective legal action can be taken as this is borderline abuse and you no longer feel comfortable interacting with her and if her means of bullying continuing you'll have to speak with the police. Then shut the door and make yourself a nice cup of tea. Only way to deal with such an obnoxious bully

Kilper · 28/01/2020 18:32

I think I would move.
Life is stressful enough without having to put up with unpleasant neighbours as well.

LittleMissMe99 · 28/01/2020 18:33

Stop indulging her. Just completely ignore her crazy ramblings. Once you started bending to her will, she started taking liberties. Now you have to stop.

Poliann · 28/01/2020 18:34

We had this when my children were growing up. Our neighbour had been in her house for years so made us feel as though we were in the wrong. She moaned about everything, dust from our car, our children playing in the garden, parking outside her house, although she didn't have a car. In the end we just ignored her, literally walking past her without speaking, it seemed the only thing she understood. We owned our house but she reported us to the council, police and anyone else that would listen. These people always agreed she was being unreasonable and told us we could take it further as it was harassment, just as your neighbour is doing to you. We just stopped dancing to her tune and it stopped, where we had been nervous in our house we started to just ignore the fact she was there. Now I'm older I can't believe how I let her bully me and make me feel I was worthless. A few weeks before she died she spoke to us and told us how proud we should be of our house and how much she liked what we'd done, we were gobsmacked that she was being so nice after years of being nasty. She died a few weeks later. I always think why couldn't she have just been nicer after all those years of being so horrible. So I say ignore your neighbour and don't accomodate her silliness anymore.

supadupapupascupa · 28/01/2020 18:36

Honestly next time she starts I would just tell her no, and that you will now stop pandering to her wishes as that clearly isn’t enough and that from now on you will only behave according to the law.

Littlecaf · 28/01/2020 18:39

My neighbour can be a bit like this. Intermittently, only about two times a year. My policy after 7 years is to say

“Oh right” “ok” “thanks, got that now” and disengage. She’s feels like she’s had a rant yet I’ve not actually changed my behaviour.

Disengage is a good one. Literally smile and nod and say something banal like “I understand”.

Purplealienpuke · 28/01/2020 18:40

I had problems with my upstairs neighbour. I tried being reasonable and adjust my volumes but very difficult when it's a small child playing that she was complaining about 🙄 during the day I might add...

I resorted to FUCK OFF in the end. It worked for a while.
The next time she knocked I opened the door, saw it was her and just shut the door.
She doesn't bother me anymore.
Please deal with this lunatic before she drives you from your home.

Findumdum1 · 28/01/2020 18:41

Tell her to Fuck off. If I was you I would go absolutely bat shit at her, scream and rage and tell her that if she so much as looks at you sideways again there will be "consequences", perhaps waving something. The only way to deal with entitled bullies like this is to scare the crap out of them and make them more scared of you than you are of them.

Also, if you hear so much as a squeak from her side, thump on the wall really loudly and scream that you are close to breaking point and are going to go round and "sort that fucking woman out". Seriously, you have to out-hinge her (or move).

I may sound unreasonable or childish but after years of being a people pleaser and letting people take the piss, I have recently adopted this approach of pushing back against piss-takers and, I tell you what, you would be amazed at how quickly they back down when you call them out on it.

Cloudyapples · 28/01/2020 18:42

Op do you rent your home? Just wondering if not why you are so worried about placating this woman - if your are making reasonable levels of noise then there’s nothing she can do but suck it up. If renting then I’d have a word with your landlord if you’re worried about her complaining and let them know she is harassing you.

glennamy · 28/01/2020 18:42

You will not win with her... Let her complain about the noise, she will not win... Shared parking = shared parking... If she continues to harass you after she takes (if) the above action then you can get a court order out on her to stop her unreasonable behaviour!

rainbowbear10 · 28/01/2020 18:49

Talk to the department in local council that deals with complaints ? disputes friom neighbours re noise, parking etc tell them she is making your life unbearable and just to see where you stand regarding harrassment from her/ them.

ktp100 · 28/01/2020 18:50

I'm sorry Op but you need to stand up to her. Every single one of the complaints you mentioned are ridiculous but you've given her the impression she's right by doing as she asks.

Time to stop.

If she knocks the door, ignore it. If she stops you in the street, walk away. You do not have to put up with her petty shit & she needs to know that.

19sharon · 28/01/2020 18:51

Don’t engage in any conversation whatsoever and just smack her in the gob! She won’t complain again unnecessarily that’s for sure.

Insanelysilver · 28/01/2020 18:52

She’s a bully and a control freak.
Omg Insisting your OH hoses down the pavement!
It sounds as though she’s just looking for things to have a go about. The harder you try to comply the more demands she makes. She basically demanding you jump and you’re saying how high? I totally get why you’re trying to placate her, but this approach rarely works with bullies.
If she expects total quiet and no parking issues then she should become a light house keeper. She’s being totally unreasonable and I think you and your OH need to refuse to pander to this crazy witch any more. X

Tistheseason17 · 28/01/2020 18:54

Good luck with next interaction, OP.
Hope it starts with F and ends with Off!

Friedmushroom · 28/01/2020 19:03

Absolutely ridiculous (her, not you)! She sounds like a bully and the more she can get away with the more she’ll push. This sounds tantamount to harassment, if I were you I’d start documenting everything so you’ve got evidence in case it escalates further. I’d also tell her to do one. Noise from the neighbours is just one of things you have to accept, within reason, when there’s a party wall. Have the other neighbours had similar issues do you know?

MrsMigginsLovelyBaps · 28/01/2020 19:04

OP I have a totally batshit neighbour - I could actually write a book about the things she has complained about over the last 16 years: the grass on my front lawn growing approx. 3mm over her driveway (which looked like it had been bombed in WW2 and growing giant thistles as tall as my then 3 year-old), my children 'stealing' things (bricks, apparently) from her back garden, by reaching through the 1inch gap under her 6ft fence, rushing out and taking photographs of visitors' cars (parked over MY driveway, not hers), complaining about a gate we had put on our back garden (nothing to do with her whatsoever - it just meant she couldn't lob rocks in our garden anymore that she had been doing), screaming obscenities at us whenever we dared to use our garden in the summer, playing opera at full blast from a radio in her garden when we were out there, just years and years of various batshittery.

Now, I just refuse to engage. I had to think about it beforehand but came up with a standard reply. The last time she pounced on me, I just said "Look dear (nicely patronising I thought), I'm not going to discuss this matter because it's utter nonsense. I suggest you find someone else to try and bully, because this is getting really old now. Please don't speak to me ever again."

I was actually shaking after that conversation for a good while, because I hate conflict and I genuinely have no clue what we've done to annoy her - everyone else seems to like us. I have no doubt there will be something else shortly, but it's honestly very liberating to just tell them you're not taking any more shit.

It's natural to want to try and defend yourself, and I tried for years, but you need to realise that nothing you do will be good enough, so just ignore her.

Or just tell her to fuck off.

SouthernComforter · 28/01/2020 19:04

I saw this just as I left work and felt sad about it driving home. Poor you - and your poor little kids!
It sounds like she has some serious issues. I would suggest next time she collars you, take a deep breath and say something like 'I've tried to accommodate your feelings for the last xx years but now it's simply time to put my family first.' And then disengage. What can she do? It's not like you're breaking any laws, I can't see that she has any course of complaint.
It's hard - I don't like confrontation either. But I did speak to a bullying neighbour a couple of years ago, he apologised and has been pleasant since. You have to stand your ground here - your kids shouldn't have to grow up being afraid to express any emotion in case they make a noise. Good luck!

Harls1969 · 28/01/2020 19:25

Pretty sure she doesn't own the whole street. If you live in a terrace, you're going to get noise and you can't stop people with kids moving in. The parking situation is also ridiculous. She's causing issues and needs to wind her neck in. Do not let her bully you. Keep a record of her complaints and try, as much as you can, to politely ignore the silly bint.

Runnerduck34 · 28/01/2020 19:30

She sounds bonkers, I would try and not be so accommodating in future as it probably gives her the feeling of being in the right even when she not.

tierdytierd · 28/01/2020 19:33

Personally I would tell her stop been a self entitled bully. I wouldn’t engage with her any longer. Your children should be able to freely be excited in their own home! And you should be able to enjoy that without fear of upsetting your witchy neighbour
If she knocks your door turn the tv up a little if she approaches you in the street tell her to call the police or lodge a complaint with the council. They will laugh her away. Just repeat and if you’re anxiety doesn’t allow you speak with her tell her discuss it with you partner.
You and your family as just as entitled to enjoy your home as she is hers. She completely unreasonable and nasty bully. You’ve done everything you can and more and it’s now impacting on yours and your family quality and enjoyment of your home and also sadly affecting your health. I’d also consider keeping a log of all of these incidents and sharing with the council. This is entirely unacceptable. I feel for you x

MiniCooperLover · 28/01/2020 19:43

I don't understand the parking issue? Stop letting her walk all over you!