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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is my neighbour being unreasonable or am I?

244 replies

Ladyrill5 · 26/01/2020 22:56

Looking for some advice on the following:

I’ve lived in my property for four years and moved in when I was pregnant with my first child. Within a few days/weeks of moving in, a few neighbours complained about parking. Most of the issues were that they didn’t want us to park on the public street outside their houses as they did - ridiculous as any taxed car can park there but we had a specific issue with parking with our next door neighbours.

We live in an end terrace and have an allocated parking space outside our house. The parking space is shared with these neighbours but can comfortably park three cars. They have one car, we have another. When I was 6 months pregnant. Our neighbour came round and started shouting at me as someone was parked in her space and she couldn’t get out of her garage. It transpired that the car belonged to her other adjoining neighbour who were desperately trying to get their 90 odd year old mother from the front door to the car. She did shout at them but said she had unfinished business with me.

A day or two later, she came round to discuss her issues. She said that she found me to be incredibly rude as I’d assumed the middle space was shared between us (it is) but she doesn’t want anyone parking there. She acknowledged that the parking that day, in her space, had nothing to do with me but still thought we were taking liberties by letting guests park in the middle. I apologised as I hadn’t meant to cause upset and we agreed to share it.

Since then, they’ve complained that our joiner left dust in the cracks of the pavement after he’d swept up after himself and insisted my OH sprays down the pavement with water, which we have. They’ve complained about our surround sound TV - we’ve turned it right down. They’ve complained our shared fence post bends into their garden, we’ve tried to mend it. They’ve complained about music being played during the day (not loud) but we’ve switched it off immediately. We never make household noise between the hours of 9-7am. We try to be as considerate as possible but the one thing we can’t help are the noises our children are making. We have a 3 and a half year old daughter and a 6 month old son.

Last year, she complained that our daughter, then 2 screams a lot. I asked her to clarify and she said that this wasn’t crying or tantrum screams but excited screams during the day. A combination of me trying to teach her not to and her just naturally growing out of it.

Today, my auntie was visiting and on returning from a meal out, my auntie arrived home first. She parked a little too far over to let me get the baby seat out and had said she’d move the car once he was out but unfortunately, my neighbour returned home from a weekend away and was fuming.

She collared me immediately and said it’s about time we had a chat about noise levels again. She said that my daughter had finally stopped with the screaming and when I said that I do try to get the kids to keep the noise down, she responded by saying that she chose not to have children so why should she have to listen to noise from mine. It just so happens that whilst she was away her lodger had been making so much noise that my daughter thought someone had broken in which I did mention but I’ve come away feeling very anxious about it all. I’ve recently been diagnosed with post-natal anxiety following my son being hospitalised, amongst other things (he’s fine now). I feel I should point out that most nights my children sleep 7.30-7.30 and have since 8 and 10 weeks old. It’s rare we have a bad night. I also feel that on all other matters of complaint, we’ve bent over backwards to accommodate her. I know she’ll come round in a few days and I’m at a loss as what else I can say to her. Any thoughts or advice would be welcomed.

OP posts:
SchadenfreudePersonified · 27/01/2020 13:31

Challenge her to a fight but subtly let her know that you have badgers for backup

Grin
UYScuti · 27/01/2020 13:32

If you escalate she might back down or she might also escalate and it's difficult to know which is more likely
I would try a small thing first like not backing down when she says something or just ignoring/shutting her down and seeing how she responds to that

SchadenfreudePersonified · 27/01/2020 13:32

When she comes round get straight in about the noise and give the dates she was away, says it’s not tolerable and you are now not to to be creeping round your house

You have chosen not to have lodgers, so you shouldn't have to put up with hers.

Drum2018 · 27/01/2020 13:32

At this stage I'd tell her to fuck off and ignore her forever more. if she attempts to speak to you pretend she's not there. If she arrives at your door close it again. Just ignore her. You are not obliged to speak to her let alone pander to her ridiculous demands.

AnneElliott · 27/01/2020 13:43

You've encouraged her to think that she can ask anything unreasonable and you'll do it! I l sent the hard way too.

Tell her to buzz off, the parking is shared, the noise is not unreasonable and she needs to get a hobby!

TheHagOnTheHill · 27/01/2020 13:48

Get your husband on board if he is more assertive than you.Then you can just reply'if you have any complaints speak to my husband'.
Keep your noise reasonable but don't pander to her.Parking,as long as she has room to park not an issue.Make her bullying as boring and unsatisfactory as you can.

Thurmanmurman · 27/01/2020 14:04

I'd tell her that she's being unreasonable and tell her not to speak to me again and make a formal complaint about noise if it bothers her. I'd also tell her that you'll be reporting her for harrassment if she continues.

strawberry2017 · 27/01/2020 14:05

I think the one thing I would suggest doing is get rid of the surround sound. Its one thing you can change and make a difference. Plus it's probably not really needed. I know it's a nice to have but in a semi detached house probably not very wise.
Everything else - it's part of life and she needs to suck it up and deal with it.

HillAreas · 27/01/2020 14:10

If the OP's neighbour lived rurally she'd be outside every night ranting at badgers.
Just dribbled a bit of soup laughing at this Grin
What an odious woman, OP. There are some nice empty cottages on St Kilda if she finds the normal everyday activities of other humans so offensive Hmm

Skysblue · 27/01/2020 14:29

Your neighbour is a bully. You’ve tried to please her and it hasn’t worked. Do some googling about dealing with bullies. Try being firmer. Choose a phrase to use when she hassles you and just keep repeating that. I like the idea above of referring her to your husband - because female bullies usually back off from bullying men.
Off the top of my head:
“Well that’s life in a semi I guess, wouldn’t it be wonderful if we all had detached houses.”
“Just in the middle of something, can’t talk now.”
“All households make noise, including yours. Ours is not unreasonable and I am beginning to feel harassed by you. Maybe you should consider moving to a more rural location if you can’t cope with any background noise.”

It is impossible for you to make her happy. Accept that she is always going to be unhappy about something. All you can do is avoid her as much as possible.

Streamside · 27/01/2020 14:30

Don't engage with her at all, you're far too tolerant

bornonasunday · 27/01/2020 14:44

I learnt the hard way ‘pandering’ to bossy neighbours, we live in a terraced street but you can usually park near enough outside your own house. A couple moved in, started off great, chatty etc, needed to borrow all sorts of stuff etc... hmmmm....
Anyway, I was properly poorly with bronchitis and on bed-rest one day, when my front door started being seriously hammered! Scary! Saw it was NDN, so dragged myself out of bed in case they needed help, house on fire etc. Opened door to be confronted with him saying ‘ can you move your car forward, we want to park right outside our place!’ The Street was 98% empty, no one parked on our side of street - except me!! I told him he’d got me out of bed, was ill etc - and he said, ‘yeah, we heard you coughing all the time!’ like it was a nuisance!! Stood over me while I moved my car about 4 ft!!
Another time, my DH was manager at a food factory, and NDN came round to ask for free meat ‘as it was Christmas’ Give people like this an inch, op, they’ll take many miles!!
I’ve made it a rule now - no neighbour favours re: parking, lending stuff etc. I barely say hello... easier that way! Don’t engage, difficult for them to moan if you are “unaware” they even exist👍

Meemm · 27/01/2020 14:50

You aren't doing anything wrong!! People treat you how you let them so just go about your life and if she bothers you again tell her to fuck right off. Do not engage with this nutbar.

lisag1969 · 27/01/2020 15:01

I'm really sorry. But some of this is your fault this woman is a bully and you are allowing her to bully you.
Next time she knocks tell her she is a bully and you are not allowing it any more. No wonder you are ill.
Tell her she choose not to have children and doesn't like noise. So move to a detached house away from people. Make sure you tell her in no uncertain terms this isn't happening anymore.
You are the only one who can stop this.
You need to be strong for your children it's not fair on them.
If she still keeps knocking once you've had a go don't reason with her, tell her you've had enough. Go to a solicitor and send her a letter and maybe even go to your local police station. She is harassing you. X

WhatsTheLatest · 27/01/2020 16:53

"oh do shut up" said as strongly as you feel comfortable with, walking away, should suffice.

dwum · 27/01/2020 19:09

She sounds vile.

I am another vote for 'enough is enough, I do not have time to listen to your crazy ranting for the foreseeable future.'

FairyBatman · 27/01/2020 20:08

I think it’s time for “smile, it confuses people.”

If you are quite timid it can be really hard to stand up to someone like this. Whenever she says anything give her a big smile, say OK, and walk off / close the door etc. and carry on exactly as you were.

You don’t have to be rude or agressive and she will be confused about what just happened.

She’ll eventually figure out that it’s a polite way of ignoring her and get bored.

The best bit is she can never complain to anyone about you without sounding batshit!

UYScuti · 27/01/2020 20:48

I hope you let us know how it goes and good luck OP! :o

littlekerry8 · 28/01/2020 17:43

Tell her to fuck off and go live in a field if she doesnt want to live near people. Next time she wants a word say no and you will call the police for her harassment

Pinkdhalia · 28/01/2020 17:45

i've got one worse than her! stand up to her tell her over and over it's a share parking bay and that if there is a car in it it's a visitor ?who won't be staying days!!! tell her about the dust it's pathetic to complain about saw dust it will wash away. depending if you own the house and on the dress it should say shared otherwise get the owner to write to her stating it's shared and she hasn't the right to ownership of it! Live your life and tell her to get in with hers . obviously she has something wrong with her head same as my neighbour , is so horrid , hell won't have her!

Ifyoudontlaughyouwillcry · 28/01/2020 17:51

OP the only error you’ve made is listening to her. Just tell her to knob off. If she threatens with the police tell her to crack on. They won’t be interested at all (ex cop so I know).
Just say no no no and when she comes back say no. You’ve been more than reasonable. She need to live on an island.

FelicisNox · 28/01/2020 17:55

I agree with everyone else: she's a bully. You knows she's u reasonable and so does she but you keep giving in to her.

Kock on her door and tell her all the things you've told us and tell her she may well have chosen not to have children but she HAS chosen to live in a terraced house with shared parking and after far too long trying to keep the peace you are officially done.

Also throw in there that quite literally nothing you do is good enough and maybe if she had children she would have less time on her hands to bully her neighbours who are all on their last nerve and if she doesn't stop immediately she will be receiving a visit from her local community police officer on the grounds of harassment as she is impacting your emotional health.

Then tell her you will no longer be entertaining her outrageous demands and if she makes the mistake of bothering you again, not only will you tell her to fuck all the way off but you will buy a large dog and teach it to crap only her land and bark at all hours.

If you can't do this then get someone to advocate.. preferably the local community Bobby. Enough is enough.

Electricfairy · 28/01/2020 18:06

We live in a terraced house in a city, and we enjoy the sense of being part of a community, which includes people with young children as well as other household set-ups. If we never wanted to hear any noise we'd live in a detached house in the country (although the countryside can be really noisy). Your neighbour IBU - is it possible just to smile politely but avoid engaging with her? She seems to enjoy working up indignation - I recognise that in myself occasionally but usually realise very quickly that I'm being childish.

IrisTs · 28/01/2020 18:07

I think this requires your husband knocking on her door and telling her to stop speaking to you or he will press charges for harassment. Make sure he records himself so has proof if she kicks off.

sjlittle · 28/01/2020 18:09

I would tell her to sod off! You has as much entitlement as her... you have tried being nice... tell her children do make sounds and if she doesnt like it to move!