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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is my neighbour being unreasonable or am I?

244 replies

Ladyrill5 · 26/01/2020 22:56

Looking for some advice on the following:

I’ve lived in my property for four years and moved in when I was pregnant with my first child. Within a few days/weeks of moving in, a few neighbours complained about parking. Most of the issues were that they didn’t want us to park on the public street outside their houses as they did - ridiculous as any taxed car can park there but we had a specific issue with parking with our next door neighbours.

We live in an end terrace and have an allocated parking space outside our house. The parking space is shared with these neighbours but can comfortably park three cars. They have one car, we have another. When I was 6 months pregnant. Our neighbour came round and started shouting at me as someone was parked in her space and she couldn’t get out of her garage. It transpired that the car belonged to her other adjoining neighbour who were desperately trying to get their 90 odd year old mother from the front door to the car. She did shout at them but said she had unfinished business with me.

A day or two later, she came round to discuss her issues. She said that she found me to be incredibly rude as I’d assumed the middle space was shared between us (it is) but she doesn’t want anyone parking there. She acknowledged that the parking that day, in her space, had nothing to do with me but still thought we were taking liberties by letting guests park in the middle. I apologised as I hadn’t meant to cause upset and we agreed to share it.

Since then, they’ve complained that our joiner left dust in the cracks of the pavement after he’d swept up after himself and insisted my OH sprays down the pavement with water, which we have. They’ve complained about our surround sound TV - we’ve turned it right down. They’ve complained our shared fence post bends into their garden, we’ve tried to mend it. They’ve complained about music being played during the day (not loud) but we’ve switched it off immediately. We never make household noise between the hours of 9-7am. We try to be as considerate as possible but the one thing we can’t help are the noises our children are making. We have a 3 and a half year old daughter and a 6 month old son.

Last year, she complained that our daughter, then 2 screams a lot. I asked her to clarify and she said that this wasn’t crying or tantrum screams but excited screams during the day. A combination of me trying to teach her not to and her just naturally growing out of it.

Today, my auntie was visiting and on returning from a meal out, my auntie arrived home first. She parked a little too far over to let me get the baby seat out and had said she’d move the car once he was out but unfortunately, my neighbour returned home from a weekend away and was fuming.

She collared me immediately and said it’s about time we had a chat about noise levels again. She said that my daughter had finally stopped with the screaming and when I said that I do try to get the kids to keep the noise down, she responded by saying that she chose not to have children so why should she have to listen to noise from mine. It just so happens that whilst she was away her lodger had been making so much noise that my daughter thought someone had broken in which I did mention but I’ve come away feeling very anxious about it all. I’ve recently been diagnosed with post-natal anxiety following my son being hospitalised, amongst other things (he’s fine now). I feel I should point out that most nights my children sleep 7.30-7.30 and have since 8 and 10 weeks old. It’s rare we have a bad night. I also feel that on all other matters of complaint, we’ve bent over backwards to accommodate her. I know she’ll come round in a few days and I’m at a loss as what else I can say to her. Any thoughts or advice would be welcomed.

OP posts:
Areyoufree · 27/01/2020 10:32

This is one of my nightmare scenarios - I am so sorry you have to deal with this shit. You will never make her happy. Ever. One of my unofficial mottos is: never try to rationalise irrational behaviour. You can try and pander to her as much as you like, and it will never be enough. So, don't try. Be polite, reasonable, but firm. Children make noise. It's a fact of life. As PPs have said, if she didn't want to hear children making noise, then she needed to move to a detached house, somewhere quiet. She is being extremely unreasonable.

TL;DR: tell her to fuck off.

UYScuti · 27/01/2020 10:40

Definitely keep all communications in writing, refuse to engage with her face to face, just blank her she speaks to you or say you're in a hurry and go
Stop being polite, be businesslike, don't apologise or explain

Ladyrill5 · 27/01/2020 10:42

@JosefKeller On reflection, the sound from our house is in day time hours and a reasonable level of everyday sound considering we live in an attached house (and as my friend pointed out - the estate has a purpose built family park in it so you would expect families with young children to live here). If anything, the drunken crashing around and recreational drug use at night is the offensive noise level that in the past 4 years, I haven’t mentioned until yesterday.

Thanks for all responses and I’m going to, ‘grow a pair’ as a few kindly put it 😊 and get on with my lovely family life - still being somewhat considerate - but not living in fear of someone who is ‘batsh*t’ as many of you put it. Thanks Mumsnetters - feeling stronger already 💪🏻

OP posts:
Urkiddingright · 27/01/2020 10:43

Stop being so polite and timid, she will only continue if you keep backing down. She’s a vindictive bully by the sounds of it and she really needs to get a fucking life too. Stop pandering to her and tell her to fuck off.

KatharinaRosalie · 27/01/2020 10:47

I have found that agreeing with the complaints while making clear your're not planning to accommodate any crazy works well.

  • yes, aren't the walls horribly thin, but I guess that's just what you get in semi-detached. I really wish we could have a detached one, it's so challening..
  • yes isn't parking just terrible, so annoying for us as well when you come home and someone has parked just in front of your house - and you can't say anything because of course it's a public road and they have full right.

And stop sneaking around, you have the right to live normally, including listening to music or tv.

Mlou32 · 27/01/2020 10:48

This woman needs to get a detached house in the middle of the countryside with no neighbours for miles around for the kind of life she wants.

There is absolutely no point in wasting time trying to figure out how to appease or deal with someone like this. Tell her she is an awkward, cantankerous old cow and you've had enough. Tell her to go away, stay away and not approach you again.

UYScuti · 27/01/2020 10:55

Could you take her in a fight?

sunshinesupermum · 27/01/2020 10:57

she responded by saying that she chose not to have children so why should she have to listen to noise from mine.

Gobsmacked. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

SaskiaRembrandt · 27/01/2020 11:10

This woman needs to get a detached house in the middle of the countryside with no neighbours for miles around for the kind of life she wants.

Nah - I grew up in such a house, the countryside is really noisy. If the OP's neighbour lived rurally she'd be outside every night ranting at badgers.

mumwon · 27/01/2020 11:44

Write a polite note stating that from now on any complaints must be written - & that you will not answer the door or communicate with her face to face - if she continues to so this you will be contacting your solicitor and /or the police. You have (lie if you must) already done a written log & discussed this with the local police & this is there advice (& contact the local police to make a complaint about her intimidation).

KatharinaRosalie · 27/01/2020 11:48

I would encourage visitors to park elsewhere

Op says: 'The parking space is shared with these neighbours but can comfortably park three cars. They have one car, we have another.'

Why should her guests park elsewhere? Surely with 2 cars and 3 parking spaces, that's what the extra parking is for?

UYScuti · 27/01/2020 11:49

Mumwon
I think your advice is brilliant ✊

SchadenfreudePersonified · 27/01/2020 11:59

Could you take her in a fight?

Grin

she'd be outside every night ranting at badgers

Grin Grin Grin

Badgers won't put up with that shit . . .

SaskiaRembrandt · 27/01/2020 12:06

Badgers won't put up with that shit . . .

Exactly, badgers are surprisingly feisty. OP, encourage badgers to your garden, let them deal with your neighbour.

UYScuti · 27/01/2020 12:12

Challenge her to a fight but subtly let her know that you have badgers for backup 😁

BlueJava · 27/01/2020 12:43

Don't apologise or change what you are doing (unless you are sure it's unreasonable - which from what you say it's not). Become super assertive with her. She is a bully and the more you apologise and act timidly the worse she'll be. I have also been in this situation where I absolutely bent over backwards every time NDN raised a problem, then one day I flipped at her. Told her not to be to stupid, how dare she try to rule my life, if she had any complaints they'd better be justified. She backed off entirely! (I had thought it might really escalate). Never heard another word from her and wished I'd done it months ago.

Honkingallthewaytothebank · 27/01/2020 12:56

She has realised she can control you and will keep doing so unless you start standing up to her. Don't engage in her nonsense. Your children have every right to play and make normal noise in their own home

THIS. And she had been homing in on you as she sees you as a way for her to be heard, whereas she obviously and rather sexistly thinks that your husband won’t take any of her crap.

Well done for making the decision to be more assertive. You sound like a perfectly normal and considerate family. I’d deffo call the council about the antisocial noise from her house, however 😂

She’s batshit.

LakieLady · 27/01/2020 13:03

What @BaolFan said is perfect imo. Very firm, but stops just shy of being rude imo.

And, fwiw, I agree with a PP about the surround sound. Even when not especially loud, the sound seems to be audible for quite a distance (SIL's family have this, and we heard it before we'd even pulled into her drive, despite her living room being at the back of the house and all the windows shut).

And bear in mind that if your houses are fairly modern, they may well have cavity walls which can resonate like a speaker cabinet.

Arthritica · 27/01/2020 13:06

Don't put it in writing, don't report her for harrassment or anything like that. Disputes with neighbours have to be disclosed when selling a house.

But also either ignore her or nod politely and say "I'm sorry that bothered you," shut your door and go on with your life.

Don't give her power over you.

NewPapaGuinea · 27/01/2020 13:09

“she responded by saying that she chose not to have children so why should she have to listen to noise from mine“

I’d be asking her if that’s the case why should you be having to listen to her noisy rants?

RockinHippy · 27/01/2020 13:17

Tell her to stop harassing you or you'll report her to the police. Poor you.

This ⬆️ this is harassment as nothing she has complained about gives her a leg to stand on as she is being batshit unreasonable

UYScuti · 27/01/2020 13:22

If you escalate this to the level of a dispute between neighbours she may them seek to use that against you knowing that if disclosed it could affect the saleability of your property?
Perhaps you will need to be more strategic OP?

UYScuti · 27/01/2020 13:24

if she thinks you're going to report her to the police she may try to take control of the situation by reporting you to the police first, do you have any background info on this woman, has she been involved in any other disputes?

RunningAwaywiththeCircus · 27/01/2020 13:29

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

ivykaty44 · 27/01/2020 13:31

Attack

It’s one of the best ways to stop a bully

When she comes round get straight in about the noise and give the dates she was away, says it’s not tolerable and you are now not to to be creeping round your house

In fact you’re going to complain to environmental about having to be on silence mode all through the day. You’re going to get them out to test the noise you make as it’s not excessive

And if she doesn’t want the noise of children purchase a detached house