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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is my neighbour being unreasonable or am I?

244 replies

Ladyrill5 · 26/01/2020 22:56

Looking for some advice on the following:

I’ve lived in my property for four years and moved in when I was pregnant with my first child. Within a few days/weeks of moving in, a few neighbours complained about parking. Most of the issues were that they didn’t want us to park on the public street outside their houses as they did - ridiculous as any taxed car can park there but we had a specific issue with parking with our next door neighbours.

We live in an end terrace and have an allocated parking space outside our house. The parking space is shared with these neighbours but can comfortably park three cars. They have one car, we have another. When I was 6 months pregnant. Our neighbour came round and started shouting at me as someone was parked in her space and she couldn’t get out of her garage. It transpired that the car belonged to her other adjoining neighbour who were desperately trying to get their 90 odd year old mother from the front door to the car. She did shout at them but said she had unfinished business with me.

A day or two later, she came round to discuss her issues. She said that she found me to be incredibly rude as I’d assumed the middle space was shared between us (it is) but she doesn’t want anyone parking there. She acknowledged that the parking that day, in her space, had nothing to do with me but still thought we were taking liberties by letting guests park in the middle. I apologised as I hadn’t meant to cause upset and we agreed to share it.

Since then, they’ve complained that our joiner left dust in the cracks of the pavement after he’d swept up after himself and insisted my OH sprays down the pavement with water, which we have. They’ve complained about our surround sound TV - we’ve turned it right down. They’ve complained our shared fence post bends into their garden, we’ve tried to mend it. They’ve complained about music being played during the day (not loud) but we’ve switched it off immediately. We never make household noise between the hours of 9-7am. We try to be as considerate as possible but the one thing we can’t help are the noises our children are making. We have a 3 and a half year old daughter and a 6 month old son.

Last year, she complained that our daughter, then 2 screams a lot. I asked her to clarify and she said that this wasn’t crying or tantrum screams but excited screams during the day. A combination of me trying to teach her not to and her just naturally growing out of it.

Today, my auntie was visiting and on returning from a meal out, my auntie arrived home first. She parked a little too far over to let me get the baby seat out and had said she’d move the car once he was out but unfortunately, my neighbour returned home from a weekend away and was fuming.

She collared me immediately and said it’s about time we had a chat about noise levels again. She said that my daughter had finally stopped with the screaming and when I said that I do try to get the kids to keep the noise down, she responded by saying that she chose not to have children so why should she have to listen to noise from mine. It just so happens that whilst she was away her lodger had been making so much noise that my daughter thought someone had broken in which I did mention but I’ve come away feeling very anxious about it all. I’ve recently been diagnosed with post-natal anxiety following my son being hospitalised, amongst other things (he’s fine now). I feel I should point out that most nights my children sleep 7.30-7.30 and have since 8 and 10 weeks old. It’s rare we have a bad night. I also feel that on all other matters of complaint, we’ve bent over backwards to accommodate her. I know she’ll come round in a few days and I’m at a loss as what else I can say to her. Any thoughts or advice would be welcomed.

OP posts:
AlternativePerspective · 27/01/2020 07:37

I had one of these.

When I moved in she came round, anything she could do to help etc etc etc, how they were always a great help to the lady who had lived here previously etc.

Within a week she came round to complain that my dog barked when I went on the school run, so for all of about five minutes. I apologised and she went away.

After that she reported me to the RSPCA for reasons unknown, to environmental health, complained day and night about God only knows what.

Interestingly enough her son played constant hard rock music and smoked weed which could be smelled through the whole neighbourhood. He didn’t work and never went out apart from to walk their German shepherd who was so aggressive it could only be walked under the cover of darkness. Said German shepherd barked constantly and yet the one time my dog had barked for five minutes (for which I apologised) was so much worse.

Then one day I’d been out and when I got back she was waiting for me. She launched into a tirade of abuse, how I was the most awful person she had ever met, how all the neighbours hated me and how they’d all got together and had a meeting to discuss how to get me out. (Bearing in mind I own this house) and how they were all asking her to do something.

She ranted on and on and on for about five minutes during which I began to record the conversation on my phone. After I challenged her that her dog barked more than mine, and then told her that what she was doing was harassment and how I’d recorded this conversation and would be taking it to the police she screamed hysterically and went into her house screaming all the while. And never spoke to me again. [grin{

They moved about six months after that, and it subsequently emerged that she’d fallen out with all the neighbours and I was just fresh bate to her.

The people who moved into her house said it was so bad, with damp everywhere, leaking roof, beams on the walls which turned out to be polystyrene instead of wood that they took legal action against them and won.

Nanny0gg · 27/01/2020 07:39

Stop appeasing her. As long as it's at reasonable levels, play your music. Let your children have fun during the day. And tell her that if she doesn't leave you alone you'll be reporting her for harassment.

MindyStClaire · 27/01/2020 07:41

Look up your local council's rules on noise (I think it's done by council?). There will be a line about the normal noise of family life being reasonable. Learn that off and then have a stock phrase to hand along the lines of what a pp said: I'm afraid that's just part of living in a terrace, you will hear other households going about their normal lives. And repeat every time.

Ohdeariedear · 27/01/2020 07:43

I agree that you need to stand up to her but I’d do it in a fairly calm, detached way to start with As you getting aggressive will just ramp her up. As someone else said, lots of I see, yes, hmmm noises then address any specific points firmly but neutrally. Also deploy the concerned head tilt, tinkly laugh etc etc. So for example..

I don’t have children I shouldn’t have to listen to yours - (tinkly laugh), yes we can hear so much through the walls can’t we, I’d love to live in a detached house, wouldon’t you? Oh, there’s the phone...”

Noisy telly/children - “(smile), the walls are quite thin in these houses aren’t they? We thought you were being broken into once but it was just your lodger. Heaven knows what he was doing. (Tinkly laugh).”

Broken record technique. And if she keeps it up then you eventually move on to “gosh, this discussion again. Some people might consider this harassment! (tinkly laugh). Have you thought about soundproofing? Oh, there’s the phone, have to go....”

HeidiHoNeighbour · 27/01/2020 07:45

You might have to become weird.

When she complains about parking “legally parked, how dare I!” Whilst laughing.

Child noise “adorable isn’t it?” Whilst laughing.

Any time she tries to talk, laugh. Loudly, hysterically.

GaaaaarlicBread · 27/01/2020 07:52

This could literally be mine and my husbands old neighbour that caused us loads of trouble!! She was an absolute psycho and eventually I told her to ‘do one’ (she was wearing me right down like you and I was beside myself) , very close to telling her to fuck off, and she reported me to the police , and made bruises on herself saying I’d attacked her !!! Completely unhinged . We moved , we couldn’t cope !!
So I have no advise sorry but other than can you maybe move and you’re definitely not being unreasonable! X

billy1966 · 27/01/2020 07:58

OP, so sorry.
She is a bully.
You are her mark.
You have a couple of choices.
Move.
Hand and all communication over to your husband. As ✋ up if she comes near you "speak to my husband".
Or contact the 101 number and report harrassment.
I would report her.
Tell her she is reported with your ✋ up....and walk away.

She is definitely contributing to your an anxiety. Without a doubt.

💐

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 27/01/2020 08:01

You must stand up for yourself more. No sorry’s just we are making a normal level of sound for living and will not be changing that. You clearly need to live in a detached property but that is not my fault, nor is anything else. Please leave me alone otherwise I will bee reporting you to the police for harassment. Good day to you!

LakieLady · 27/01/2020 08:12

She's batshit and I say that as someone who can't bear babies crying or children shrieking with excitement. When next door's youngest was a baby, her cot was just the other side of the party wall and they used to let her cry for 40-60 minutes in the night. A couple of times, I was reduced to tears myself because of the noise and sleep deprivation.

I wouldn't dream of saying anything, it's a normal noise and part of everyday life for most people. I would buy a house miles from any neighbours if I could afford it though!

SaskiaRembrandt · 27/01/2020 08:13

She's a bully. The noise you describe is normal, household noise, especially that made by your children.

I think how you deal with it depends on how assertive you feel. If you're confident, tell her if she doesn't stop harassing you will involve the police. If you're feeling less confident just nod and smile and then ignore.

AJPTaylor · 27/01/2020 08:18

What you need to say to her is that the noise is normal and there will be no further attempts to stop your children acting as normal children and there is nothing more to discuss.

WeHaveSnowdrops · 27/01/2020 08:19

Stop appeasing her from today. If she persists then tell her you will report her harassment to the police.

Nsky · 27/01/2020 08:20

She us being unreasonable, get your husband to face her, write a note too, explaining this
Tho I did have an annoying couple next door to me.
They would seemingly run up and down stairs loudly ( yes mid terrace) and bang their front door ( I work shifts so wanted quiet at 8am, lie in).
When I told them there was no need for this, and I could bang around at 4.30am , on the days my early shifts started , they seemed shocked.
Luckily they moved , and I have a much quieter neighbour now.
All this started with a disagreement over fence post, which got sorted, everyday noise is one thing.

iano · 27/01/2020 08:21

Op when she corners you next just say 'ok' turn your back on her and walk away. Then totally ignore her.
No more interaction with her.
Is there something you could do to make yourself feel more able to assert yourself?

PrincessHoneysuckle · 27/01/2020 08:24

Next time just throat punch her and calmly walk back back inside Wink

Forestwitch · 27/01/2020 08:24

@Ladyrill5 You need to stop being nice to her. I bet most on that street are terrified of her.
Be the one who stands up to her! And start logging every incident.
Sounds like she gets a nice 'power boost' from you cowing to her every whim.
And if she does something really nasty? Then call the police.
She's going to be the one in the hot water and the neighbours will most likely back you up!
That's the problem with being the latest one to move to a street, the local bully likes to make their mark.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 27/01/2020 08:25

You're neighbour is being completely unreasonable. Was the house you now live in unoccupied for any length of time before you moved in? If it was, it's very likely that they got comfortable in doing the things they are complaining to you about (parking for example) and there wouldn't have been any noise worth mentioning (unless she can hear the grass growing). You live in the end of terrace property so effectively you're semi-detached, so you have only the one property physically connected to your own. Keep doing what you're doing. Park where you are allocated parking and if you are approached again I'd be very quick in saying to her "I've had enough of you harassing me for simply living in this house and on this street. If you continue, I will be left with no other option but to report you for harassment. Good day to you!" and then walk in to your house.
Don't put up with this any more.

Good luck!

Valenciaoranges · 27/01/2020 08:29

Sounds awful - just ignore her and refer her to your hand and/or oh.

Hotseat · 27/01/2020 08:32

Stop engaging with her, hang up if she calls. The fact that you have given in so far enables her to keep going. Tell her you have had enough, you have to stand up to her for your childrens sake and your sanity.

GabriellaMontez · 27/01/2020 08:33

You dont have to say anything to her. Shes a bully. Shes unreasonable.

Dont answer the door.

If you cant bring yourself to say "fuck off" plan something you can say. Practice it before you use it. Eg "dont speak to me again"
"Speak to my husband"
"I'm busy "
"I suggest you complain to the council because the noise levels are perfectly reasonable and wont be getting any less"

Stop letting her control your life.

Biscuitsdisappear · 27/01/2020 08:34

You are being bullied.

skipalongnow · 27/01/2020 08:40

Sorry to hear you're being bullied by your neighbour but you do need to take control of this or else she will just continue or get worse. There are a few things you need to do.

  1. Next time she starts, politely and calmly explain to her that you have tried to be reasonable in the past but it hasn't got you anywhere. This woman has no right control who parks where etc, and she needs to expect that there will be a certain level of noise when living in a terraced house etc etc. Tell her that you are not prepared to tolerate her bullying any more. Using that word might make her back off in itself. But you need to stay calm when telling her this and make sure you have someone with you (witness).
  2. Start making detailed notes of each encounter you have with her. Time, date, what she said, your reply etc.
  3. Start making detailed notes about all the things occurring at her house that a reasonable person would consider to be 'anti-social'. Don't tell her, just keep it up your sleeve for future use.
  4. Make sure that you have someone with you each time she has one of her episodes. If you're on your own at that time just tell her you won't speak to her until you've got a witness with you and calmly walk away.
  5. If she continues then get in touch with your local bobby or council and get them to deal with her.

Nasty neighbours are notoriously difficult to deal with and as much as you'd love to tell her to EFF off it's better if you can stay calm and relaxed when you speak to her. But you do need to stand up to her and make your boundaries clear or else she will just continue to be batshit.

Forestwitch · 27/01/2020 09:00

I've re read the OP and something that the neighbour says stands out 'I chose not to have children, so why should I listen to yours?'.
She's basically a horrible person who hates kids.
You don't have to please her. I feel sorry for the lodger now.
What kind of hell does he/she have to put up with in the house?!

KaptenKrusty · 27/01/2020 09:01

Just don't engage - you aren't doing anything wrong or anything illegal!

Tell her she can take it up with the Council or the police if she has a problem - they won't do anything because you are not in the wrong!

SchadenfreudePersonified · 27/01/2020 09:04

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ for quoting a deleted post.