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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is my neighbour being unreasonable or am I?

244 replies

Ladyrill5 · 26/01/2020 22:56

Looking for some advice on the following:

I’ve lived in my property for four years and moved in when I was pregnant with my first child. Within a few days/weeks of moving in, a few neighbours complained about parking. Most of the issues were that they didn’t want us to park on the public street outside their houses as they did - ridiculous as any taxed car can park there but we had a specific issue with parking with our next door neighbours.

We live in an end terrace and have an allocated parking space outside our house. The parking space is shared with these neighbours but can comfortably park three cars. They have one car, we have another. When I was 6 months pregnant. Our neighbour came round and started shouting at me as someone was parked in her space and she couldn’t get out of her garage. It transpired that the car belonged to her other adjoining neighbour who were desperately trying to get their 90 odd year old mother from the front door to the car. She did shout at them but said she had unfinished business with me.

A day or two later, she came round to discuss her issues. She said that she found me to be incredibly rude as I’d assumed the middle space was shared between us (it is) but she doesn’t want anyone parking there. She acknowledged that the parking that day, in her space, had nothing to do with me but still thought we were taking liberties by letting guests park in the middle. I apologised as I hadn’t meant to cause upset and we agreed to share it.

Since then, they’ve complained that our joiner left dust in the cracks of the pavement after he’d swept up after himself and insisted my OH sprays down the pavement with water, which we have. They’ve complained about our surround sound TV - we’ve turned it right down. They’ve complained our shared fence post bends into their garden, we’ve tried to mend it. They’ve complained about music being played during the day (not loud) but we’ve switched it off immediately. We never make household noise between the hours of 9-7am. We try to be as considerate as possible but the one thing we can’t help are the noises our children are making. We have a 3 and a half year old daughter and a 6 month old son.

Last year, she complained that our daughter, then 2 screams a lot. I asked her to clarify and she said that this wasn’t crying or tantrum screams but excited screams during the day. A combination of me trying to teach her not to and her just naturally growing out of it.

Today, my auntie was visiting and on returning from a meal out, my auntie arrived home first. She parked a little too far over to let me get the baby seat out and had said she’d move the car once he was out but unfortunately, my neighbour returned home from a weekend away and was fuming.

She collared me immediately and said it’s about time we had a chat about noise levels again. She said that my daughter had finally stopped with the screaming and when I said that I do try to get the kids to keep the noise down, she responded by saying that she chose not to have children so why should she have to listen to noise from mine. It just so happens that whilst she was away her lodger had been making so much noise that my daughter thought someone had broken in which I did mention but I’ve come away feeling very anxious about it all. I’ve recently been diagnosed with post-natal anxiety following my son being hospitalised, amongst other things (he’s fine now). I feel I should point out that most nights my children sleep 7.30-7.30 and have since 8 and 10 weeks old. It’s rare we have a bad night. I also feel that on all other matters of complaint, we’ve bent over backwards to accommodate her. I know she’ll come round in a few days and I’m at a loss as what else I can say to her. Any thoughts or advice would be welcomed.

OP posts:
JuanSheetIsPlenty · 27/01/2020 00:05

Your mistake was giving her first complaint any legitimacy.

Time to stop now.

Tell her once and for all she is utterly ridiculous and you won’t be entertaining her complaints any more. Tell her any further complaints will be reported to the police as harassment.

TimeTravellersHat · 27/01/2020 00:07

You’ve made a mistake in pandering to this woman.

Every single time she approaches you about noise from now on you need to say “We do not make an unreasonable amount of noise. If you wish to hear nothing from your neighbours move somewhere remote. I will not talk to you further about this.” Rinse and repeat.

Halo1234 · 27/01/2020 00:07

She enjoys complaining. No matter how perfect a neighbour u are she will find something to complain about. Its 100% her wanting to feel hard done by and bitter. Dont engage with her. Enjoy your home. If she tries to speak to you just say you are not interested in having any further discussion with her. "I find you rude and intimidating and the conversations about noise and car parking get us nowhere. I am as considerate as I can be and I have nothing else to say please dont approach me again I dont want to speak to u" and walk away.

NancyDrewCrew · 27/01/2020 00:07

Keep a diary of every exchange you have with her, time, date, what was said on both sides, how resolved (or not).
Smile, nod, wave /grey rock - emotionally non-responsive, boring, and act like a rock in other words emotionally detach/disengage.
If she persists tell her by all means to complain to the council as you know you are well within the parameters for noise you make.

NarwhalsNarwhals · 27/01/2020 00:09

This reply has been deleted

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Melroses · 27/01/2020 00:14

Since then, they’ve complained that our joiner left dust in the cracks of the pavement Confused

Oh dear.

bluetongue · 27/01/2020 00:26

I’m sorry OP. I have a bully neighbour as well. Mine wants money from me! I haven’t given in to any of her demands so she’s now started spreading malicious rumours about me Sad I sincerely believe my nightmare neighbour has some kind of mental issue, probably Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

I’ve decided to sell up. Not because I’m a coward but because life is too short for this rubbish, she refuses to take no for an answer and I can see she is now fixated on making my life miserable and having ‘revenge’ on me. It’s horribly unfair but my mental health needs to be looked after.

WhereYouLeftIt · 27/01/2020 00:31

You have clearly tried to be as accommodating as you can. And sadly, this has been a total mistake Sad. Your neighbour seems to me to be the sort of person who sees kindness as weakness - and weakness, in her eyes, is to be exploited. That is what is going on here. She doesn't have a problem with you really - you are a source of delight to her, someone who she can bully mercilessly.

So you need to change how you respond to her.

  1. Tell her that the noise levels your family produce are normal, and that if she needs absolute silence then she needs to move, a terraced property is not for her.
  1. Stop changing how you live in order to meet her demands. Play music, make normal noise. Live!
  1. If she pulls that 'chose not to have children' crap again, respond that it's just as well others did or there'd be no-one to care for her in hospital or care homes when she's old and frail.

It's not going to be easy to do this, it's not your nature and she will respond by kicking up an almighty stink about how selfish etc you are. Ignore, ignore, ignore. Give an inch and she'll grab a mile. Start saying no to her, and keep saying no. It's the only thing that works, I'm afraid - appeasement does not appease this type.

One last thought - you posted "I know she’ll come round in a few days and I’m at a loss as what else I can say to her." Why wait? Go round to her and spike her guns. Take control away from her by initiating the conversation yourself. Better still, send your husband/partner round. I do wonder if she's the type who'll only have a go at a woman - some are.

Ladyrill5 · 27/01/2020 00:34

Thanks to everyone who posted. You’ve made me feel loads better. I am quite timid I suppose - I always feel it’s bad manners to complain 😳 I do need to woman up 💪🏻

An interesting point a few have made is to ask why she doesn’t address my husband - hadn’t thought of it that way but now get the fact that she chooses me as I’m a pushover. My OH is better at responding to things as he doesn’t get as emotional as me. Thanks for all your advice ☺️ Greatly appreciated

(First time I’ve ever actually posted on here so still haven’t worked out how to reply properly or worked out many of the shorthand words/phrases).

OP posts:
Ladyrill5 · 27/01/2020 00:37

Thanks for this - I appreciate it! I do feel more confident now too in the fact that she is in the wrong.

OP posts:
Sadiee88 · 27/01/2020 00:46

Were there disputes between the previous occupant and your neighbour?
I agree with op, she’s harassing you.
I’d either confront her, tell your hubby to.
Start picking at her, or ignore her.
See a solicitor and get them to send her a letter.
If you move you have to declare any disputes with your neighbours.
She sounds like a complete loony.
You need to nip it in the bud though as it sounds like it’s affecting you in a negative way.

CSIblonde · 27/01/2020 00:55

Your niceness is fueling the dynamic of her rather obvious issue. It's a need for power & control. Don't engage, sail by with a smile & sorry, can't stop, must dash. Get your partner to answer door to her. She'll fume but she will give up. She wants a reaction & every time you give one, she's won & it's fuelled IYSWIM.

Starksforthewin · 27/01/2020 00:59

She sounds extreme. However, I would say that NO ONE needs a surround sound TV in a small terraced house! Those things are an absolute curse and should not be permitted for domestic purchase.

I have a friend who lives in a Semi where the neighbour has one of those sound bars and the whole house vibrates with the bass, he seems to like watching war movies and it is as if a live battle is taking place in her kitchen. Incredibly anti social.

mathanxiety · 27/01/2020 01:01

...when I said that I do try to get the kids to keep the noise down, she responded by saying that she chose not to have children so why should she have to listen to noise from mine.

And yet she chose to live in a terraced house?

You don't owe her any explanations, excuses, or compliance with her ridiculous and unreasonable demands.
Don't respond to anything she says.

Practice enunciating the words, 'Fuck off you horrible harpy'.

Or, 'Talk to the hand, hun'.

Or, 'I have no time for your nonsense today.' (If you want to be classy Smile)

Next time she collars you, choose one of those responses and don't stand there waiting for her to reply - walk away. Shut your front door or car door firmly enough that she can hear it.

Retroflex · 27/01/2020 01:07

I would literally reply by walking away, every single time she tries to communicate, tell her to send her complaint in writing through a lawyer, as she is harassing you and if needs be, you will see her in court...

AJGranny · 27/01/2020 01:10

Immediately stop tip toeing around your own house and this woman's feelings. She's never gojng to be satisfied so stop trying to please her. Don't take her complaints to heart, live your lives and just make the right noises when she talks to you. You are doing nothing wrong!

Ladyrill5 · 27/01/2020 03:52

@Starksforthewin get your point re surround sound but we’ve checked the settings and made sure all speakers point inwards. Never have it past a certain volume. Wasn’t clear but although houses are terraced, they’re large 3 storey town houses.

OP posts:
Apolloanddaphne · 27/01/2020 04:47

She has realised she can control you and will keep doing so unless you start standing up to her. Don't engage in her nonsense. Your children have every right to play and make normal noise in their own home.

BaolFan · 27/01/2020 06:56

Next time she comes round -

Stop harassing me. I have bent over backwards to try and accommodate your completely unreasonable demands and it stops now. I am fed up of you constantly having a go at me and I don't want to see you on my doorstep again. Leave me alone or I will contact the police.

Tinysarah1985 · 27/01/2020 06:58

In the nicest possible way-you and your husband both need to grow a pair, stop pandering to her by doing everything she tells you to. Tell her to piss off and get over herself. People make noise, it's a fact of life. It's not like you're having parties all weekend.

BitConfused28 · 27/01/2020 06:58

Stop apologising! Its all normal noise isnt it!

I dont mean this nastily, but stop being nice to her about it, shes seen that as a weakness and now shes zoned in on it.

Next time she collers you id tell her to wait till your husband was home and speak to him, then send him round! Theres a reason she doesnt speak to him about it and only you.

I cant believe youve not just told her to fuck off, i would after so many ridiculous complaints. Shes a bully

I could have this wrong but she waited until your aunt left to say somthing to you? Speaks volumes that OP, she knows shes taking the mick but shes going to continue for as long as you allow it, put your foot down now,

BitConfused28 · 27/01/2020 07:00

Just get her told properly..... whats she going to do? Complain to you again? Confrontation is not pleasent but neither us trying to keep your child quiet and normal house hold noises! Stop being polite and tell her to do one!

spongejack · 27/01/2020 07:04

Your mistake was at the beginning allowing her to dictate, she's then just pushed and pushed continuously!

To be honest I'd just now say, "your way out of line, have been for ages, now key fuck off and don't bother speaking to me again". If you pander to these type of people they just carry on!

Jakkipu · 27/01/2020 07:04

I had this neighbour for many years. When my ex husband and I moved in, as we were literally walking into our flat and I was 6 months pregnant, she came flying down the stairs screaming about the broken light in the hallway (we hadn't actually brought anything in from the lorry yet). She then stuttered something about the window cleaners and left. For nearly ten years we had her picking fights with me (never my husband might I add) she kept ringing our doorbell at 3am because our daughter was a nightmare with colic, complained about guests, started shouting at me in the middle of the street because the communal door didn't shut behind me once, and, she had the gall to ring my bell to tell me how awful it was that I got pregnant again after losing all my weight after my first. It made me constant anxious and every neighbour was so much happier when she moved. I wonder if she moved next to you..... 🤔

Rubyupbeat · 27/01/2020 07:33

She is definitely a bully. Please try to be assertive with her, she sees you as weak so will prey on you.
What is her husband like?

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