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Original poster

To never tell them their birth order?

566 replies

sunshinepoppy · 26/01/2020 15:20

I have twin boys who were born by c-section. Over the years I have seen interviews with adult twins where they set great store by their birth order. E.g saying one should know better because they are elder by 5 mins. This type of dynamic seems odd and unhelpful.

For this reason we have decided not to tell the boys their birth order. I am now starting to doubt this decision because I am not sure it is my right to keep the information from them.

They are only 6 months old so we have not told them anything yet.
I would appreciate seeing people’s opinions about this. Especially opinion from someone who has a twin.

OP posts:
fjreflycaramel · 26/01/2020 16:03

My in laws are the type to make a big deal of it. My MIL has already declared that one is the “brains” and the other will be the “brawn”.

Well she's not the brains then is she?!

SunshineCake · 26/01/2020 16:03

I'm just relieved you aren't Caprice. She is so stupid she thinks no one can work out which boy she carried and which the surrogate gave birth too.

I've only read your OP, OP, but my suggestion is you can tell your kids if you feel they have a right to know but you don't have to tell anyone else..

Iliketeaagain · 26/01/2020 16:03

IMO, as a twin, they definitely need to know. How else is the elder one going to know that those extra minutes make him the best 😁....

(Sorry, but really it makes zero difference, other than for me and my twin joking about the extra minutes that I have :). She's always late, it's been like that since we we born, I've always got places first)

LynetteScavo · 26/01/2020 16:03

Really, is it important? I would never ask.

I know a mother of identical twins who confided she's got them mixed up a few times since birth, so doesn't actually know which one is which (obviously she does now!) but isn't sure if John was John when they were born...or whether he was Jim. They're very, very similar and I can only tell which one is which if they are together. They both turn around if you day one of their names, so that doesn't help.

It wouldn't occur to me to ask which one was older. One used to drop his coat on the floor, whereas the other hung it up. Now they've swapped over that habit.

Is older better? I'm a youngest sibling, so I say not!Grin

ChangeInTime · 26/01/2020 16:04

Seriously do the birth certs really have the time on them?!

Yes they do. Multiple births have the time recorded and all births in Scotland, whether single or multiple, have the time recorded on the birth certificate.

TheNoiseHurts · 26/01/2020 16:05

DO BIRTH CERTS REALLY HAVE THE TIME ON THEM?!

TheNoiseHurts · 26/01/2020 16:05

Ooh thanks. 😁

Nonnymum · 26/01/2020 16:05

At some point they will see their birth certificates and see for themselves
Birth certificates don't give the time of birth.
OP I don't know if you should tell them, they might at some point ask what time they were born. I think you should tell them the times and if you want to you could say eg 11.am and 11 :10 but I dont know which of you came first. Im not sure it matters which was born first though.

TheNoiseHurts · 26/01/2020 16:06

Multiple births have the time recorded and all births in Scotland

What about single births in England?

And where do they get this info because I didn't tell them the time they were born that's for sure!

goodgodingovan · 26/01/2020 16:06

We have refused to tell our families their birth order because we worried that they would assign age roles to them e.g. you should know better because you are the eldest.

That's so strange.

Doveyouknow · 26/01/2020 16:06

I am a twin and have always known I am the youngest. Other than a bit of teasing between us about who is older it never comes up. As for you family assigning roles because one is five minutes older HmmConfused

StoneColdSaidSo · 26/01/2020 16:07

You are making this into a huge deal, and it isn’t.

My twins are 5 now and one loves telling everyone he’s 2 mins older. The other one loves being the baby.

They’re both fine with it.

Fishfingersandwichplease · 26/01/2020 16:07

I went to school with twins, the older one def thought she was superior!! Mum didn't know it was twins til the 2nd one came out so maybe that was why but she def had issues over it!

elenacampana · 26/01/2020 16:07

It doesn’t matter OP. I think you’re being a little intense over something that really isn’t important.

Nomorelaundry · 26/01/2020 16:09

I'm in Wales my BC does not have a time on. My 3 children were born in wales and do not have their Time of birth on them.

ChangeInTime · 26/01/2020 16:10

At some point they will see their birth certificates and see for themselves
Birth certificates don't give the time of birth

Yes they do! All multiple births have the time recorded, and all births in Scotland.

BoomBoomsCousin · 26/01/2020 16:10

I was concerned about this with our twins, OP. But the information got out and it hasn’t been too bad. It’s other people (Grandparents and their generation mostly, though, surprisingly, teachers quite a bit too) more than the twins that are annoying with it. No one is serious when they say “Oh well your the oldest you should....”, or “you’re the baby of the family so...” but there’s was a stage where it seemed almost constant and I do think it had a bit of an impact on them as they repeat things they’ve heard and it gives them a dynamic to play into.

We started to shut it down pretty quickly by just saying “We don’t put any importance of birth order do we?” to the twins in front of whichever adult was doing it and they soon got the message. The twins were interested in the details of their birth so we have talked about it but we also talked about how, for instance, we have no idea which egg got fertilized first.

Now they’re nearly teens and while it comes up from time to time and they sometimes tease each other about it it’s not something that they think does or should determine anything about them.

I wouldn’t worry so much about these sorts of details, OP. You will have lots of opportunity to influence their lives, controlling access to facts isn’t going to be the way to give them the best start.

mummagirl · 26/01/2020 16:10

all multiple births throughout the UK have the timing on them.
It's how sometimes people find out they are a twin if they didn't already kno

twoheaped · 26/01/2020 16:11

Speaking as a twin, you should tell them.

Honestly, they will lose count the amount of times they get asked who is the oldest throughout their lifetime.
It will be easier for them to say A or B, rather than have to explain the reasoning behind them never being told.

Apolloanddaphne · 26/01/2020 16:11

Me, DH and my DDs were all born in Scotland and we all have the time of birth of the birth certificate. I had no idea this didn't happen elsewhere.

Nonnymum · 26/01/2020 16:11

If they were born in England or Wales their birth certs will have their time of birth on them?!
Me my DH and our children were born in England and the time isn't on our birth certificates only the date.

Lidlfix · 26/01/2020 16:12

I am an identical twin, there are 4 mins between us. My DM confessed that she has no idea (post hospital anklets coming off) if we were correctly identified in the early days. There was 1 Oz weight difference so they couldn't go on that. Was only when a sharp eyed (or way too tactile) visitor spotted a birthmark behind my ear - it's only visible if you bend the top of my ear over -that they could be sure. If I am the one who was delivered first it's nothing more than flukey positioning in the womb. I am 45 and DM had no scans and no idea it was twins . But surprised that so many people didn't know the time was recorded on Birth Certificate.

NatashaAlianovaRomanova · 26/01/2020 16:13

And where do they get this info because I didn't tell them the time they were born that's for sure!

In Scotland it's on the card you are given by the hospital to take to the registrars office.

BlueJava · 26/01/2020 16:14

I have twins, their birth certificates state their birth times and we never made it a secret. I don't think it's a big deal, they do joke about it. If someone asked who is the oldest one will say "Me by a minute and that minute counts for a LOT" and they laugh. They were named in reverse alpha order though, so the oldest's first name is after the youngest's name alphabetically. If someone, including MIL, declared "one is brains and one is brawn" I'd tell her to shut up with her nonsense.

Changeembrace · 26/01/2020 16:14

Rather than focus on this

You’re better channeling your energy in to equipping with the skills to analyse information they may like / dislike / indifferent based on own experience and research rather than vague general notions