DS(8) strange obsession

[Namechangelar]

Okay so I’ve NC for this as very outing, but I’d like some opinions about my son and where I should draw the line and possibly some suggestions as to why my son is like this.

My DS is nearly 8 and for some time he has had an obsession with things that are very old. He loves history, but this is next level. For Christmas he asked Santa for an old oil painting similar to one we had seen in a charity shop. We thought he’d forget about it as what kid wants one of those, but he went on about it for weeks until we were at the point of we can’t not get it because it would ruin Christmas! He is nearly 8 ffs!

What concerns us is that this isn’t the first odd gift, he got some money for Christmas and now has a collection of thimbles and old carriage clocks, prior that he has bought items such as an old mirror and and old trinket box. My grandpas house is more modern than his bedroom so it’s not like this is a role model scenario, but the place looks like an old girls house clearance.

He is into “normal” 8 year old boy things too, Lego, wrestlers, reading books etc but this year for his birthday he has asked for an old carpet and I just cannot deal. These are not normal requests and whilst I thought I’d be very much you like what you like, I’m not seeing the no fucks side because I feel it’s a pattern of strange behaviour and I don’t know how to deal with the situation the best.

I can’t take him into charity shops without him wanting to look through all the knickknack crap, it’s painful, he begs me to let him spend his money on a porcelain dog and a pocket watch! It’s not even old cars etc, just pure crap.

We are lucky to have a large living area so when friends come to play they don’t have to see his room and I feel awful for even saying that, but I don’t want him to be bullied at school just for liking all this old toot! Is this just a phase he will grow out of or could there be something underlying here? As time goes on I think it’s more than just being an old soul, he wouldn’t be bothered if I said no clubs or tv if he was naughty, but if I took the flipping oil painting away for a week I think he’d feel that was the biggest punishment from the above.

Any suggestions MN?

Re the carpet, why not just buy him an old rug he can put down on his bedroom floor next to the bed? (Yup, I have those too, though one of mine was a latchhook rug I made myself and the other is a modern thing dh bought me).

So, to summarise your OP,

'Help, my son doesn't fit society's narrow expectations of what an eight year old boy should be! Is there something wrong with him?'

He sounds delightful, OP. Buy him the carpet.

Not read the full thread but your DS sounds interesting to me, what a bright young lad. I'd think about setting up a curiosities cabinet in his bedroom for all his little trinkets. I can't believe you keep his friends away from his bedroom, are you trying to make him feel ashamed of his interests?

Heres one like him;!!!

www.bbc.co.uk/news/av/uk-england-merseyside-51244155/meet-the-teenager-who-collects-vacuum-cleaners

both my DSs have little carpets. One is an old oriental rug that belonged to my DH's grandfather that DS wanted. When his younger brother saw DS1 had one he wanted one too so we went on amazon and he chose a bright red very shaggy fake sheepskin sort of thing.

You can actually purchase dementia/reminiscent packs from amazon/ebay that have replica ration cards/posters etc and stuff from different eras I found them really good when I worked in elderly care your DS might find them interesting. You could also take him to an elderly care home where he could talk about his hobby and show his collection I'm sure both parties would love the experience.

I suppose it would bother me too the more I think about it. It's because it's not just one or two items. They are old things - not likely to be worth anything as I'm sure antique sellers check that first, lol! And then the clutter/cleanliness issue. And also the fact he probably will grow out of it and you'll be landed with all that stuff. I'm thinking more in practical terms about it. It's not exactly stuff you can play with either, it'ts not toys. It's stuff that will lie on a shelf gathering dust. And yeah I do think that most kids even if they didn't say anything to your son, certainly they would tell other people and find it weird.

Get him a curiosities cabinet, it'll give him something to focus his collecting on. He sounds amazing, he;s the sort of kid I would have been friends with at that age. (I used to collect vintage books and jewelry from jumble sales.)

He sounds like a lovely, intellectually curious boy.

Don’t stamp on his parade. He likes what he likes.

Just joining in with the general chorus that he sounds like a lovely child, very curious and maybe will be a great collector/dealer one day.

It's a lot better than wasting his money on e.g. Pokémon cards, so I'd really stop being upset about it and embrace his individuality!

YABU! I'd so prefer this over my daughter's LOL doll collection! Please don't let him see you're embarrassed by his collections! Support his interests, he could become an antique seller or just an eccentric and either way he's such a unique little individual right now please don't dull his spark! Be proud of your son!

Get a grip! This is really cool. He likes it, it's not a problem at all. He loves some cheap tat from the charity shop. It makes him happy. Just go along with it, take him, buy some junk, enjoy it!

I would love this! I'd get well into it and the pair of us would be off scouring charity shops and watching episodes of The Repair Shop together!

Thank you for all the mostly lovely replies.

I didn’t explain myself very well at 2am after a few glasses of wine. I don’t make him feel “weird” about his interests, I’ve always raised him and his sister to be very confident and have a keen interest in learning about everything, but it’s the way that he goes about it that is concerning. That is where I’m struggling to know how to support.

By this I mean I don’t know if it’s just him being passionate or unreasonable. I can see it getting to the hoarding stage if I don’t set the right boundaries. I have this problem with his sister and her inability to throw anything away (not toys, but things like ribbon from a birthday cake/Christmas crackers/gift bag rope) she knows when it has been thinned out and it causes meltdowns, but not as bad and hurtful as DS can be, but that is where I feel I need to draw a boundary as it’s getting to the point where it isn’t healthy, but maybe I am BU.

It has come to a head now as DS has started junior school and we have been asked to come in for meetings with the class teacher and senco team. He is very overpowering in the class and seen as more than just disruptive, he can’t sit still, can’t keep quiet, has to shout answers out and he isn’t a team player at all, he has to take over and god help any of his friends that suggest anything different or get an answer wrong. It’s awful to write, I know he is difficult, we get this behaviour at home and it is like he can’t help it over rudeness, but not nice for anyone either way.

The charity shop finds hugely amplify this behaviour, I don’t know if this is just passion over history, or something more and the senco team think he is ticking boxes for additional needs. That’s what is new to me and where I don’t know how to support.

The collection is his Achilles heel so I’m really pleased to know that it isn’t just a very niche interest at this age, but it’s the behaviour that goes with it I find overwhelming and I want to support him in the right way. The bullying is in the back of my mind, but at the forefront is how he will react if a friend came to play and touched or broke something in this collection, it’s not like they can be replaced and he knows that, but I do think it could be more to do with his boundaries.

It’s also getting difficult where they are now at that stage where they go on play dates without the mums. I am friends with the mums and find myself saying come to ours when a play date is suggested as I don’t want them to be on the receiving end of his meltdowns and feel helpless. Even writing that I feel terrible saying that about my son.

As I say, this is all new to me so I wanted to feel out if this was a very niche hobby or not. Part of me anticipated some really closed mind opinions, but it looked like mine was (I couldn’t care less if he was gay or feminine, I do let my children express themselves) so I am really grateful for the lovely replies.

I really like the idea of playing museums and it’s given me an idea for our study. I am not diagnosed ocd but it does bother me that nothing is displayed properly. It looks like I’ve moved my gran into a boys bedroom and is probably very over stimulating for him when I think about it. He has a passion either way so a designated area how he wants it could be an idea to explore.

I’d love to know more from the pp that mention additional needs and if any of this rings true for you. I know it’s not one size fits all, but this is new to me and so hearing personal experience and how best to support would be great.

Thanks again!

Also love all the personal stories about what others collect, DS has some glass bells too and love the idea about some screwdrivers to take apart the clocks, he would love that!

I really don't see what's wrong here. It's a little unusual for a child so young to be interested in collecting old things but it's quite a common interest for adults: hence the popularity of The Antiques Roadshow. It seems to me quite refreshing for a child to have this sort of interest in objects from the past, instead of just the latest computer/digital game. It may be a prelude to interests in history and archaelology. You could take him to museums and old houses, e.g. National Trust properties, to encourage these interests (many children that age consider such outings quite boring, but your son might enjoy them!) The only problem that I can see is that true 'antiques' are often expensive, and old objects outside that category may be decaying and unhygienic. But owners of antique shops and indeed charity shops usually exclude obviously unhygienic objects, and all sorts of unexpected 'treasures' may be found.. If you do live near a museum, they may well have a shop with books and replicas of old objects, which may be of interest. Sounds like a good hobby to me!

In light of your update op then it is worth pursuing whether he has additional needs or not and it will give you the tools to deal with it if he does, sounds similar to asd in my mind but that is experience talking than any kind of qualification. In the meantime you could google 'special interests' and see if any management techniques spring up.

Special interests like that can be the key to where the child's future could go, so it is worth facilitating for that and his wellbeing alone.

My dd is a collector of plastic tat and rubbish in general, think a broken racket off the street or an empty milk carton that she deems a collectable as its packaging is different from a previous one she has seen.
We have a one in one out or a collect one thing at a time rule, as my house would be overrun. Saying that she still has a lot of stuff.

She is asd and her special interest from age four is death and any conceivable gore or violence that achieves that. It was a concern at the time but there is no harm in it really. She projects her interests in drawings and generally talking about it a lot. Her school picked up on it but I shut them down as they might have perceived that she is being exposed to stuff she shouldn't when in actual fact it is her imagination running. We manage it by allowing her to have her interests but managing when it is appropriate to discuss it. I won't stifle her imagination or development just because she outside the box.

The behaviour issues are another matter, but I don't think the interest in collecting old things is a problem. What may be at the back of your mind is that some children with ASD have restricted 'niche' interests (which of course can in some cases blossom into real talents!). But it sounds as though your son's interest in collecting is just one of several interests and not a restriction.

My ds is the same. He's 7 and heads straight for the ornaments etc at the charity shop rather than the toys. He recently bought a bird cage candle holder. A mirrored jewellery box and a lantern thing. He absolutely loves going to antique shops and he would fill his room with old trinkets if he could. I didn't realise it was something to be concerned about. (for Christmas ds asked for some old brooches 🤷🏻‍♀️ which we got for him) I personally think it's a lovely interest to have, especially when he's also obsessed with pokemon, it's a nice contrast.

Ok well you didnt mention any of the behavioural issues before so that adds another angle to it. I would agree that the behaviour needs managing but I dont think that is necessarily why the interest in old stuff is present. As you can see in this thread, lots of kids are interested in niche things so that of itself is not a red flag.

I would be FAR more concerned about the hoarding and behavioural stuff. I think you need to get your son assessed by an educational psychologist. This will do one of two things:

1. Put your mind at rest thats its typical behaviour and maybe give you some strategies to manage it
2. Identify some needs your son has that are not current being met. Maybe he will get a diagnosis of something, maybe he won't, but none of us can really speculate on what that might be until he is properly assessed.

Information is power- so I'd get onto this right away.

There was a bit in secondary school with me who collected antiques. He never got bullied. He had personality and had a bit of a wicked side to him which meant he did ‘fit in’.
I have an almost 6 year old who is a bit ‘different’ but he’s also into normal things as well and is well liked and is ‘one of the boys’ in school.
Embrace it and it’s better than plastic cheap tat!

*boy not bit

It's definitely very weird for a kid to like those things, especially asking for an old carpet.

As this thread shows, it's fairly common for children to like all sorts of different and weird things. The problem isn't with the children but with close-minded comments like this. It is fine to be different.

OP with regard to your update, I hope things work out with SENCO. It sounds like there is a lot going on. The collecting however is just one part of it and probably a very positive part, if you can channel it!

In light of your update, I feel my first answer came across as a little harsh - I think you have to tackle the behavioural issues/ needs separately to the collecting, even if the latter is a symptom of the former.

Definitely pursue any diagnosis/ coping strategies with your school’s SENCO, and if play dates at your house or in public shared spaces are what works for your ds, then don’t beat yourself up about needing those.

How you described the collecting in your update makes much more sense for why you are concerned about it - FWIW, kids that age all seem to be deeply attached to every bit of tat they’ve ever owned. My dd looks aghast at any suggestion that an old hair clip be thrown away, or kinder egg toys disposed of. You don’t have control over much when you’re that age, so the things that are “yours” are very important to your sense of self. Your best bet is to appeal to their kindness/environmental concerns and ask them to help you put together a bag of things to donate to a charity shop to help other children/cut down on plastic waste. Do it regularly until it becomes part of their mindset. If you think the clutter contributes to ds’s meltdowns, I would also try and keep their stuff in a play room if you have the space, and keep the bedrooms more tranquil (books, quiet toys etc). However if the two aren’t demonstrably connected, there is no reason he may not feel perfectly calm surrounded by his treasures.

Sorry if I sounded judgmental the first time round, I wasn’t clear what your concerns were and I think they sound perfectly justified - although I stand by my life long love of old junk

Poor little sod being teased behind his back by his own parents! Shame on you. You should encourage individuality, at least he has the wherewithal to like what he likes and not follow what everyone else is doing. Trust me, you'll be very very pleased when he's older and all the other teenagers are smoking behind the bike shed and he says no thanks, don't fancy it.