Is it reasonable to expect your DP to stop staying out until 5am once you have kids?

[Rafaroo]

Hi all

Just wondering what your opinions are on this. My husband and I are both in our 30's and have a daughter who is 2.5 and a second due in a few weeks. My husband is overall a good guy who is involved in the day to day with the kids and around the house. He also works full time, as do I.
The only thing that bugs me a bit is a couple times a month, (occasionally more) he will go out until 5am with his mates and then not wake up until 1pm or so the following day. I hate this mostly because I think our daughter misses out on time with him and he is not available for any family activities. When he wakes up at 1PM, he has 'breakfast', and then watches football. He never gets dressed and going before 4PM on these days by which time my daughter barely has any time with him before it is time to start thinking about dinner and bed. I also have to say that whilst it has been manageable for me with one child, I am concerned about being up at 5am with a newborn and a toddler whilst he sleeps until after lunch!

Obviously, I get we are still young, and my husband insists that just because we have kids doesn't mean we can't live, but I do feel that once you have kids your lifestyle should change. Staying out until 5am is a single mans game, not a dad's game. I have no problem with him going out, but when I have gone out in the past I am usually home by midnight or 1am the latest. If I ever stayed out until 5am now it would have to be for a very special reason (like my sisters hen do or something). He insists it isn't a problem and he gets mad that I feel irritated by it and says he has every right to let his hair down.

I am asking tonight because he has gone out this evening and I am pretty sure he will be coming back tomorrow morning. Have any of you had to broach this subject with your partners? Am I just being super restrictive?

Thanks!

Absolutely, Morgan. Also, he's telling the OP he's going to pubs and clubs and bars. That might be as veritable as some of the posts on MN . . .

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Sorry wrong thread

I'm going to go against the grain here. If this is literally your only gripe with him, I'd let it go. Honestly. It sounds like he has changed his lifestyle on the most part to be a family man.

@Rafaroo Hope you got things sorted and went shopping yesterday.

I think he's taking advantage that he's the one earning and "deserves" it whilst you manage the rest. I wonder, if he spent some time in your shoes with a partner that stayed out late and laid in until 1pm on a regular basis, whether he'd feel it's as deserving. He may well have a different perspective then. And that's without even including how his DD feels about not seeing her Dad as often as she'd like. She may well end up feeling rejected by him, thinking it's her.

Obviously, I get we are still young, and my husband insists that just because we have kids doesn't mean we can't live

How about you suggest to him that once this baby is born that every second weekend YOU got out until 5am, and then stay in bed most of the day and then sit on the couch watching telly for the remainder. He can look after the kids, dinner, bath time, bedtime on those weekends. He did after all use "we" in his argument so that means both of you should still be able to "live" as he calls it.

How do you think that would go down?

Carrying on like that is fine when you're young, free and have no responsibilities. Most people do tend to grow out of it when family responsibilities hit. Unfortunately some don't. And by the time you find out which type you're in a relationship with it's already too late.

I'm going to go against the grain here. If this is literally your only gripe with him, I'd let it go. Honestly. It sounds like he has changed his lifestyle on the most part to be a family man.

Fuck off with this ignorant shite. Honesty have a word with yourself.

Whilst some casual users will inform their GP of their drug use, there are also many/most that won't. I still don't really see your point?
Your main insinuation was that the OP shouldn't listen to the posters on mumsnet as we have got our information from 'doctors' and 'Eastenders' and sound like 'Aunt Maud'
Well here's an education you won't get at medical school... mumsnet is full of intelligent women with a wide range of experience from different professions and backgrounds, with opinions on these issues that are just as valid as yours.
Not all mums just sit at home watching soaps you see, some of us even had lives before becoming mums!

And back to the point of the thread. There is of course a chance that the OP's dh isn't using drugs but it would be very wise to be open to the signs.
Either way staying out till 5am every 2 weeks and leaving you to do all the childcare isn't acceptable or fair but I think you know that.

Absolutely, Bat. Talk about patronising and mansplaining.

Have never watched Eastenders or Doctors in my life. No Aunt Maud, either, as I'm BAME and we have much nicer names for aunties .

If your husband was a regular cocaine user, you would feel the hit financially. If he developed an addiction, he'd go out less drinking to push his money towards the drug.

Sorry but this is not true. I know several people with a coke habit and it certainly doesn't stop them going out, even the ones with no money. He may not be going out where he says he is going, but hes still going out. Just because he's not sitting in the house sniffing lines in the bathroom, doesn't mean he's not out taking coke. Also depends how involved the OP is in the family finances. She may not be aware of any financial hit.
Wether its drugs or not, doesn't make any difference to the fact that this is not ok.

If you gave a drug addiction, you frequent places where you can indulge. If she can see on his bank statements that he's buying rounds of drinks and its happening every 2 weeks, he doesnt have an addiction.

Absolutely, Bat. Talk about patronising and mansplaining.
Agree entirely.

OP hope you're ok.

If this is literally your only gripe with him, I'd let it go.

yeah I mean he doesn't even beat you and brings money home..

OP writes that at least every second weekend or more often, DH does not participate in family life for half of the weekend, because he's out partying like a teenager. One must have quite low expectations if that's no biggie

Theyd be doing much more if they were staying in and drinking because you have to be careful in pubs, clubs and bars as the bouncers know what to look for.
You're assuming the door staff aren't the ones selling it/have been told to ignore it.

These days a club owner is smarter than to sell drugs on their own premises like they did in the 80s or Martina Cole books.
Depends on the club manager.

You'd keep your drug business outside of the legitimate businesses you use to launder money.
Well you'd have to be pretty daft to write the drug sales up on the books.

The more dodgy the club owner, the worse the punishment will be for dealers caught compromising their business. Those guys don't call the police
Usually the dealers are paying a cut to the club for selling in there. The dealers sell to the bar staff and then one of the bar staff will sell to the customer. Strip clubs tend to work slightly differently as usually one of the dancers had a contact.

But that's just my experience.

But that's just my experience.

Which is obviously straight out of Eastenders, Doctors, Martina Cole books (who is that?) or from Aunt Maud.

Bet you have kids and no nothing about drugs .

Cooooooooke. But you know that, don’t you?

Forgot on mumsnet you can't have a different opinion to everyone else 😂👀

Laughing at the “you’ll know it’s coke from the financial hit” gospel truth. Plenty of people, earn a fuck ton of money. Our very own Xenia could no doubt afford to run an expensive coke habit.

I agree coke is a real possibility though.

Coke aside, I’m possibly one of very few posters who wouldn’t mind about the time of money this takes. When my kids were small, my husband did big cycle events approx EOW - on one day. That was his hobby, his release, a real passion.

He spent all of the evening with the kids, and all of the next day. If I’d wanted the next day “off”, he’d have had no issue with it. If I had ever said I was tired, or had something I wanted to do - he’d have cancelled.

I’m not saying everyone should be happy with it - but a child free day every other week? Yeah, I think that can work.

What I think is far worse is that OP knows if she complains, not only will it get her nowhere, but her “hard headed” husband will up the ante and punish her for even daring to think about asking him to curtail it.

Seriously - a husband should be the person who loves you and supports you more than anyone in the world.

You’re in an abusive relationship.

The hours of leisure time are (for me) nothing compared to that. A man who had one evening a month would be just as bad, if he also made his wife too scared to tell him when there was an issue.

You’re not going to change him. If you thought it was possible, you should have tried before the second baby.

Bet you have kids and no nothing about drugs

Literally this Pat. I gave birth and the years of working in the nightclub industry fell out of my vagina as the baby was being surgically removed from the sun roof. Its a fact that once women are mothers they don't know anything about drugs and have definitely never taken any.

Forgot on mumsnet you can't have a different opinion to everyone else 😂👀

God, yes, hilarious when you state that opinion at Infallible Truth, The One and Only, and insult all those children of lesser gods who haven't seen The Light 😂.

The fact that you call it the nightclub industry tells us that this was in the days of discos and E17.

Bless your heart, or, that's what those who work/ed in it, call it

Yes probably when E17 was in the top ten.

A nightclub owner who sells drugs on the side will make a perfectly reasonable profit outside of their club without compromising the place they launder money. The days of clubs being drug friendly are more or less over. It isn't worth the risk any more.

The actual point here is that an addict doesnt want to have to go the toilets to indulge. They want to be sat round in a warm house without having to sneak around.

I'm not saying the guy definitely never has a line. Many people our age do. It just doesnt sound like drugs is what is motivating his behaviour. He just likes a night out. Why complicate it with wild accusations?

Having worked with addicts for 30 years and also having divorced a coke-head husband, I'm pulling rank. I mean I actually saw a table covered in coke a couple of weeks ago (fun job mine). To men who are getting vodka and champagne table service in strip clubs, cocaine isn't a massive expense. Depending how much they do of course.

And yes, I can spot a gurning, self-involved coke head a mile off but that doesn't mean OP can. Many people fly under the radar. I absolutely think coke is a possibility. That doesn't mean he has an addiction as such. He could he halfway down that road. Still at the 'I like going out with my friends and doing a couple of lines but I'm not licking it off toilets yet' stage. The entire music business and the BBC are at that stage. And because cocaine isn't physically addictive in the way alcohol or heroin are, that problem use but not addicted stage is less noticeable.

And the "as a man" bullshit... just no, it's irritating. It doesn't make you an expert.