Is it reasonable to expect your DP to stop staying out until 5am once you have kids?

[Rafaroo]

Hi all

Just wondering what your opinions are on this. My husband and I are both in our 30's and have a daughter who is 2.5 and a second due in a few weeks. My husband is overall a good guy who is involved in the day to day with the kids and around the house. He also works full time, as do I.
The only thing that bugs me a bit is a couple times a month, (occasionally more) he will go out until 5am with his mates and then not wake up until 1pm or so the following day. I hate this mostly because I think our daughter misses out on time with him and he is not available for any family activities. When he wakes up at 1PM, he has 'breakfast', and then watches football. He never gets dressed and going before 4PM on these days by which time my daughter barely has any time with him before it is time to start thinking about dinner and bed. I also have to say that whilst it has been manageable for me with one child, I am concerned about being up at 5am with a newborn and a toddler whilst he sleeps until after lunch!

Obviously, I get we are still young, and my husband insists that just because we have kids doesn't mean we can't live, but I do feel that once you have kids your lifestyle should change. Staying out until 5am is a single mans game, not a dad's game. I have no problem with him going out, but when I have gone out in the past I am usually home by midnight or 1am the latest. If I ever stayed out until 5am now it would have to be for a very special reason (like my sisters hen do or something). He insists it isn't a problem and he gets mad that I feel irritated by it and says he has every right to let his hair down.

I am asking tonight because he has gone out this evening and I am pretty sure he will be coming back tomorrow morning. Have any of you had to broach this subject with your partners? Am I just being super restrictive?

Thanks!

The advice I gave as a man is below

"My advice as a man would be that you speak to your husband about your concerns and negotiate a way that you don't end up carrying more than your fair load."

The advice I gave "as a man" was centred around how the poster should deal with the issue in her relationship about him not pulling his weight. Had no bearing on drugs. Do you see how making wild accusations like that are dismissed once rationality takes the driver's seat? My advice "as a man" had nothing to do with addiction. I forgive your offensive mistake.

I think coke is a possibility but there is NO indication that he has a problem WITH DRUGS that is obstructing his ability to parent. That is a wild accusation. Maybe he sees childcare as women's work or something equally horrific and that is why he goes out till dawn every fortnight but the fact you all leapt to a drug dependency shows your collective ignorance.

Yes probably when E17 was in the top ten
uh-huh, ok my love.

Nightclub owners, and nightclub managers are two different beasts, it depends entirely on the owner and the manager, and then the door staff and the bar staff, the clientele etc.

I'm not saying clubs are drug friendly, but they're still regularly sold in clubs, or touted outside. The dealer will literally sit in his car nearby and then deliver as and when. Recreational drug use, especially coke is massive.

Who's saying Ops DH is an addict, not me, he may just enjoy a gram or two of a night out. What's motivating him is that he's a selfish prick.

I forgive your offensive mistake.

Your poor wife. Do tell her there's a relationship section on here in case she needs support with your patronising tone.

Just in case you are remotely interested in actually engaging with this site I doubt it. there is NO indication that he has a problem WITH DRUGS that is obstructing his ability to parent. What we do is suggest things it might be. Then the OP might say, "yeah it's weird he comes home all bright eyed and chewing his lips oddly and there's loads of cash unaccounted for" or "no, he's a stumbly drunk and never takes cash out". They apply their own knowledge of the situation to the suggestions.

FWIW his behaviour is 100% consistent with cocaine use IMO. And cheating. And an alcohol problem. And sexist, ideas about roles. And City Boy arrogance and self-importance. The OP gets to choose which of that delightful bouquet of crap it might be. My guess is at least two of them.

I’m not sure where anyone has diagnosed him an addict. More that coke is probably being used on his nights out (the 5am is hard without it) and that is another complication to his already selfish behaviour.

You mention that an addict 'doesn't want to go to the toilet to indulge'
Firstly, no-one suggested he was an addict, people suggested he was probably using coke. Also the OP specifically stated that he would finish the night round friends houses before coming home.
That is classic coke user behaviour! Start the night in a pub with friends having a pint, pick up, few lines in the pub/bar/club, go home to a friends and sit around chatting doing lines, realise it's starting to get light, 'shit better call a cab', go home.
Not that I have any experience of this though, I'm just a mum and not a doctor.
Danielle Steele never writes about it in any of her books either and that's all I read.

Christ alive, Mr 30 year old. Do you post ‘ok boomer’ too? Not that it’s a surprise that a white boy with a god complex/ good job would be an ageist patronizing mysogynistic arse, but catch yourself on.
I have no idea what your wife does, but there are a raft of women more qualified than you on mn. Don’t be making assumptions. There’s a love. (See what I did there? I’m old enough to be your mother, sonny. Blah blah.)
In other news, behold, a man has arrived.

Woman here. I saw Nirvana live in concert! I saw Mother Love Bone before they became Pearl Jam. Just sayin'.

I forgive your offensive mistake

😂😂😂

but the fact you all leapt to a drug dependency shows your collective ignorance

Hold on.
Then the fact that you leapt to misread or misjudge a few dozen PP's & then deploy your lack of comprehension to make inaccurate sweeping statements to bolster your own argument must surely show your individual ignorance?

After all - you said it:
Do you see how making wild accusations like that are dismissed once rationality takes the driver's seat?

Yes, @GEEpEe, yes I do! But despite your high-falutin' "rationality-signalling" above, you appear not to.
Ironic, innit?

@nachthexe you are ace, & I want to hang out behind the bike sheds with you. I CBA do deal with any more chromosomally-challenged nonsense today, but my mate Valerie Solanas likes bike sheds, & if I bribe her with enough fags she may turn up & do the decent thing.

Yes probably when E17 was in the top ten.

You really are super skilled in patronising women. Aunt Maud thinks your wife's a lucky woman!

I respect you for using E17 instead of the ever so formal East 17. That definitely makes you sound younger than other people on this thread.

Ex addict here.

No indication he's an addict I agree and very few people have even insinuated that. But there are a fair few indications he's a social user of cocaine, which is what people have suggested.

You're the one who has made the leap from mentions of cocaine use to you educating us about cocaine addiction. They are totally different ball games.

As a woman, stick on a bit of Stay Another Day and calm down

natch and messo . You codgers have still got it!

Haven't RTWT but wanted to throw my two pence worth in.
Both DH and I were big clubbers before we had children - our DD is also 2.5 and we have another one due any day!
I don't expect DH not to do all nighters anymore. It's part of who we are, how we met etc. Of course we have grown up and changed since our heady days of clubbing every weekend but I don't get angry when he does it now (much less often).
I think it's about give and take though - he'll tell me if there's a big night out coming up. Friends' birthdays, stag do's etc. As long as he tells me what he's planning on doing I'm generally cool with it. I'll make the sofa bed up for him so he doesn't wake me up when he gets in.
I usually give him a few hours grace in the morning but I'll send my daughter in before midday to get him up! I don't mind him having a bit of a lay in but he's not missing an entire day with DD.
The nights he doesn't warn me about - she's jumping on his bed at 10am. No mercy lol
Tbh the "big ones" are few and far between now. He values our weekends as a family more than he wants those big nights out.
We still try and go out clubbing til 6am every now and then as a couple (when I'm not cooking babies!). I do think it's important to still be the person you were before children, whatever pasttime that was for you.

natch and messo grin. You codgers have still got it!

@PatellarTendonitis thank you dearie, I much enjoyed your sterling work on the 'Alexa' thread, & only hope no one trips over m'walking stick.

As to this thread, yeah, I still gottit baby. I think my balls are bigger than Mansplainer's too, but let's not give the little lad too much of a complex.

I forgive your offensive mistake.

GeePee all your posts are unbelievably offensive, patronising, condescending, rude and mansplainy - not to mention entirely unconvincing. PP have said that the husband may well be doing drugs when he's out until 5am at pubs, clubs and friends' houses. Nothing you've said to try to contradict that holds any water whatsoever.

@messolini9

I think my balls are bigger than Mansplainer's too, but let's not give the little lad too much of a complex.

Looking forward to Mansplainer arriving to explain women don't actually have balls. You're so ignorant, just like the rest of us

Hopefully he will forgive you for your offensive mistake.

I really don't know anyone that does this after kids. Op it's really not normal at all. I hope today was ok.

Op life with a toddler and newborn is gruelling. If he doesn’t stop this behaviour he is putting your sanity and health at risk, as a poster said upthread. My DH had a brief run of still going out like a childless 20something when our first child was born, before reality sunk in. I would rather have gone it alone than tried parenting with a giant man child weighing me down if he hadn’t reformed.
Now, before my father got sober I clearly remember many weekends as a child being confused and worried because daddy was in bed all day and could t get up. I worried that he didn’t love me. Other times I worried he was dying as mum said he was too sick to get up. This is having an effect on your dd.
You ask how you can get him to realise he needs to change. How exhausting. Don’t waste your energy. Do what other posters have suggested and put that energy into a plan and resources to leave if he doesn’t grow up. Ask yourself if you want to put up with this shit for another 2/5/10 years etc.

An occasional blow out is absolutely fine. A regular one really isn't, unless it can be done with no impact on the rest of the family.

Looking forward to Mansplainer arriving to explain women don't actually have balls. You're so ignorant, just like the rest of us

oh dear @YasssKween, if only women could obtain PhD's in biology, we wouldn't have to keep making such silly mistakes & causing untold bother for 30-year old GP's (yeah, reckon) who are only on the thread out of the goodness of their hearts because their wife begged them to (yeah, reckon) share their infinite wisdom with all these XX thickos.

Definitely coke

No way, Downstairs. That just can't be, A GP (and a man, no less) has spoken! And also if you're past 40 it's doubly untrue as no one that old has real knowledge of modern drug use.

I wonder if PP walks into conversations in the pub that he hasn't actually been listening to, with people he doesn't know, and says, "you're all wrong, as a man, and a GP, my opinion is..."? I'd love to see that if they are selling tickets.

God GeePees posts are annoying. Noone suggested that OPs DH was an addict at all, just that going back to mates house after pub/club till 5am is strongly suggestive of a few lines being involved.
And just doing coke can absolutely be cheaper than drinking. A gram is £40 here. A night out drinking last night cost me £120 .
The OPs DH is a high earner so a few grams of coke along with money spent on food, drinks etc will not be noticeable or be impacting their finances.