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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it reasonable to expect your DP to stop staying out until 5am once you have kids?

284 replies

Rafaroo · 24/01/2020 22:19

Hi all

Just wondering what your opinions are on this. My husband and I are both in our 30's and have a daughter who is 2.5 and a second due in a few weeks. My husband is overall a good guy who is involved in the day to day with the kids and around the house. He also works full time, as do I.
The only thing that bugs me a bit is a couple times a month, (occasionally more) he will go out until 5am with his mates and then not wake up until 1pm or so the following day. I hate this mostly because I think our daughter misses out on time with him and he is not available for any family activities. When he wakes up at 1PM, he has 'breakfast', and then watches football. He never gets dressed and going before 4PM on these days by which time my daughter barely has any time with him before it is time to start thinking about dinner and bed. I also have to say that whilst it has been manageable for me with one child, I am concerned about being up at 5am with a newborn and a toddler whilst he sleeps until after lunch!

Obviously, I get we are still young, and my husband insists that just because we have kids doesn't mean we can't live, but I do feel that once you have kids your lifestyle should change. Staying out until 5am is a single mans game, not a dad's game. I have no problem with him going out, but when I have gone out in the past I am usually home by midnight or 1am the latest. If I ever stayed out until 5am now it would have to be for a very special reason (like my sisters hen do or something). He insists it isn't a problem and he gets mad that I feel irritated by it and says he has every right to let his hair down.

I am asking tonight because he has gone out this evening and I am pretty sure he will be coming back tomorrow morning. Have any of you had to broach this subject with your partners? Am I just being super restrictive?

Thanks!

OP posts:
memberofseven · 25/01/2020 16:02

Op my husband does this. He's an alcoholic. He stays out late so he can drink to excess. Then he's pointless in our home life. I've told him if he doesn't change I'm leaving him. It's no life. It started as a very occasional thing. I'm embarrassed of his behaviour.

memberofseven · 25/01/2020 16:05

Oh and yes to coke too.

CallmeAngelina · 25/01/2020 16:11

I wondered about coke too.

CalamityJune · 25/01/2020 16:32

I'm guessing but is he one of the only ones in his friendship group with children? I have come across men like this who feel like they have to be at pains to prove to their mates that they're "still one of the boys" and "not under the thumb".

It's fucking pathetic, actually.

Honestly, he might struggle with this mentality until the balance has shifted and more of the group are fathers. Some of the men I know still try to make the responsible ones feel shit about not getting bladdered and staying out all night.

Ginger1982 · 25/01/2020 19:29

I actually do not understand why a) you've let this behaviour go unchallenged for so long and b) why you decided to have a second child knowing he was already like this. 🙄

Anyway, how did today go?

PapayaCoconut · 25/01/2020 20:09

Do you want 26 leisurely get ups a year where he does the 5.45 mummeeee call and makes breakfast whilst you surf netflix

Hahahahaha, as if a child is going to give a shit that is "mummy's day off".

Parker231 · 25/01/2020 20:19

If my DH tried this, the front door would be locked - it’s unacceptable behaviour. He won’t be able to go out once you have had the baby - does he realise?

Don’t allow him to lie in - send your DD into the bedroom with a noisy toy. Switch the lights on , open the curtains and switch on the radio. He doesn’t get to ruin a family day.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 25/01/2020 20:31

Lots of men i know still do this in their 40’s

It’s utterly selfish and they will claim their wives/partners do the same. They don’t they are home at a reasonable time and not so drunk they can hardly walk or sleep in until the afternoon the next day

Don’t put up and shut up he is an adult with children he needs to act like one and you share parenting as you live together

Batmanandrobin123 · 25/01/2020 20:44

Definitely coke. Every single person I know who regularly stays out that late at this age or 'goes back to a friends house for drinks' is doing coke. You would be able to tell as he wouldn't be acting that drunk when he gets in and he will regularly have a slightly runny nose.
Like someone else said, a bank note that is rolled up or looks like it was rolled up would be an indicator, or powder residue on a bank card.
He would probably still eat breakfast after a nights sleep though.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 25/01/2020 20:46

I wouldn’t rule out coke

But I do know plenty of people who can drink and drink for hours and drink until they almost pass out

Whatsername177 · 25/01/2020 20:47

In our house, that is a once in a blue moon type behaviour. He is bu. When do you get time for yourself?

RedToothBrush · 25/01/2020 20:52

My main thing is though that I don't want to seem like I am cutting off his fun. He is a pretty hard headed guy when he wants to be and I feel if I approach the subject head on he will just insist on doing that even more to prove a point that he is still allowed to go out and have fun.

You are his wife not his mother.

He needs to grow the fuck up.

Tistheseason17 · 25/01/2020 21:03

I'd withdraw the same amount of money from the joint account to cover a night out - and put it in a savings account for your escape fund if he does not change!

It's actually quite sad that he chooses to not see his daughter on a weekend morning when he has not seen her any morning of the week. He is not putting his child first which is hugely unnattractive and a red flag for me.

PatellarTendonitis · 25/01/2020 21:10

He's still up at 5am not totally rubbered out but able to get a taxi back and see himself to bed then he crashes leads me to suspect it's coke. Even back in my hard-partying days, the only ones who could keep that up all night like that and not pass out were the coke and speed heads. He's also recovering relatively quickly for not having stopped drinking until gone 3 or later and being as old as he is. That's coke, not booze.

Think you're living in denial just now, OP, at the least he is spending a fuckton of money on these nights out twice a month. The getting a table at a club . . . coke.

It just follows the script of every cokehead I knew which, being my 50s now, was a lot.

Minky35 · 25/01/2020 21:16

This behaviour is not compatible with family life. I also think he’s probably been taking coke.

PatellarTendonitis · 25/01/2020 21:17

Coke is cheap if it’s twice a month - rarely starts that way though, but I know people who’d go coke instead of drinking because it was cheaper.

Yep, especially club/bar prices and you can usually buy the gear in the club anyway.

Denial isn't just a river in Egypt.

Tellmetruth4 · 25/01/2020 21:18

So he’s out on Charlie all night and you’ve trained your toddler to help make him breakfast as a reward.

Good luck with all that and baby number 2!

greenlynx · 25/01/2020 21:26

YANBU, I think you’re too patient. The first time behaving like this would be the last time in this house, and it would apply to me equally.

hamstersarse · 25/01/2020 21:27

My exh used to do this, to similar levels

It upset me a lot. It’s so disrespectful, thoughtless and demonstrated a lack of commitment to the family.

He wasn’t ‘having an affair’ but he certainly was putting it about and absolutely was sticking a load of class A drugs in his body.

It still upsets me 15 years later that the precious times with newborns and babies were polluted by his disgusting behaviour

I may be projecting but your ‘have a quiet word with him’ sets off alarm bells for me. One time he came back at 5.30am just as I was getting up with the baby and I lost it shouting “where have you been?!! This is all so wrong” (wasn’t a quiet word!)

He grabbed me by the throat and held me up against the wall sneering “don’t you tell me what I can do”

NB. Ex-h

Noshowlomo · 25/01/2020 21:42

Coke : (

Thestrangestthing · 25/01/2020 22:54

I'm going to guess that the OP won't come back because she doesn't actually want to here that her dh is a twat.
She won't leave because she probably has quite a nice life style if he is earning a good wage, and isn't prepared to give that up, so will allow herself to be walked all over.

CallmeAngelina · 26/01/2020 08:05

Or, how about you tell him that he can still "have a life" and go out, but that it's business as usual the next day and he doesn't get the luxury of sleeping it off.

Sparkle567 · 26/01/2020 08:24

I do this probably once every 6 weeks ?

I have a night out with the girls and never get home before 3am.

I defiantly don’t do coke! Or any type of drugs.

I do get up in the morning though as I just can not sleep if Iv been out drinking! So I would be awake by 8-9am anyway.

I think twice a month is OTT. Could you ask him to cut it back? Instead of stop

Tsubasa1 · 26/01/2020 08:40

12 am or 1 am curfew is reasonable! And twice a month not more!

Inliverpool1 · 26/01/2020 09:01

He’s a grown man you cannot put a curfew on anybody. You can however still expect adulting the next day