Is it reasonable to expect your DP to stop staying out until 5am once you have kids?

[Rafaroo]

Hi all

Just wondering what your opinions are on this. My husband and I are both in our 30's and have a daughter who is 2.5 and a second due in a few weeks. My husband is overall a good guy who is involved in the day to day with the kids and around the house. He also works full time, as do I.
The only thing that bugs me a bit is a couple times a month, (occasionally more) he will go out until 5am with his mates and then not wake up until 1pm or so the following day. I hate this mostly because I think our daughter misses out on time with him and he is not available for any family activities. When he wakes up at 1PM, he has 'breakfast', and then watches football. He never gets dressed and going before 4PM on these days by which time my daughter barely has any time with him before it is time to start thinking about dinner and bed. I also have to say that whilst it has been manageable for me with one child, I am concerned about being up at 5am with a newborn and a toddler whilst he sleeps until after lunch!

Obviously, I get we are still young, and my husband insists that just because we have kids doesn't mean we can't live, but I do feel that once you have kids your lifestyle should change. Staying out until 5am is a single mans game, not a dad's game. I have no problem with him going out, but when I have gone out in the past I am usually home by midnight or 1am the latest. If I ever stayed out until 5am now it would have to be for a very special reason (like my sisters hen do or something). He insists it isn't a problem and he gets mad that I feel irritated by it and says he has every right to let his hair down.

I am asking tonight because he has gone out this evening and I am pretty sure he will be coming back tomorrow morning. Have any of you had to broach this subject with your partners? Am I just being super restrictive?

Thanks!

If he takes 26 of those leisure days (the day after the night before, to himself) is that awful?

You mean: if a significant part of 50-75% of all their weekends are spent with hungover daddy sleeping and ignoring their child, soon to be children?

And I really don't get the 'but do the same!' argument. So when exactly will they spend time as a family? This is what OP wants, not to go out on a piss.

Don’t allow him to lie in - send your DD into the bedroom with a noisy toy. Switch the lights on , open the curtains and switch on the radio. He doesn’t get to ruin a family day.

But, presumably he'd ruin the family day anyway by being an arsehole. Being tired, hungover, stroppy and angry/resentful at OP and their child. So it's probably less hassle to just leave him out of the way to sleep off his hangover/come down. There will be coke and probably strip clubs involved.

Oh and yes I've also worked with men who did this regularly, while married with children. They were not just hanging there chatting with their buddies until morning. They were all trying to score, and regularly did.

Nope. Not at all ok

I hope you're OK OP. The 'hard headed man' comment made me worry a bit. XH did this apx once a month. Coke and other women. I got out and don't regret leaving. Do not underestimate the amount of money he's spending.

I wouldn't be assuming drugs/cheating etc etc like some of the other PPs are suggesting if there's zero other signs.

To me he just sounds like a man child. You need to talk to him otherwise you'll grow more and more resentful. It's not just the fact he does it fairly regularly, leaving you on your own to look after the children, but at such short notice as well? Next time he texts you saying "staying out with lads love you" text him back saying "actually am about to go out with my friends come back and look after baby please thanks love you xx". I BET he'll be pissed and have a word with you.

Don't put up with this shit, please! I agree every so often is acceptable, this is not every so often and he has responsibilities at home. You said he was a good dad otherwise? When? You mean for 1 day of the week when he's actually home and functioning?

I used to have a big night out four times a year in my thirties, a couple of those were weekends away. I used to joke it was when the gas bill came in. We had small dc then, DH was less bothered so would just do a couple of times a year but he travels with work a lot so got a break from domestic routine effectively. Twice a month is too much though.

Hi, my wife sent me this thread because she wanted to show me the lack of awareness about drugs. I'm a GP with a speciality in drug addiction. I work in a GP service catered for the homeless in London.

Firstly, cocaine, even when taken just on the weekends, is not a "cheap drug". It is not cheaper than alcohol. It's about £60 a gram which between a few mates, won't go far at all. Cocaine and crack cocaine are quick hit drugs which means you can't have a line and expect it to last very long. Many recreational users use cocaine to reverse the debiilitating effects of alcohol. If your husband was a regular cocaine user, you would feel the hit financially. If he developed an addiction, he'd go out less drinking to push his money towards the drug. It starts as a weekend drug and before you know it, you're doing lines in your family bathroom before dinner.

FWIW, some of my friends do still go out regularly until the early hours and they do not have drug habits. I would be furious if my wife went on a website full of women who have very little knowledge about drugs and accused me of drug dependency.

My advice as a man would be that you speak to your husband about your concerns and negotiate a way that you don't end up carrying more than your fair load. My wife made it clear to me before children what she expected from her husband and father of her children and how she expected life to adapt. Some of the things she expected aren't consistently possible given my job and we discussed that beforehand.

A lot of the people posting have direct personal experience so I think that's just as valid as a GP I'm afraid. Do you think your views are more definitive because you're male?

Besides, it doesn't matter WHY he's doing it. It would have the same effect, because he's getting in when many small DC are getting up.

Why on earth did you have kids with him. Seriously, what were you thinking??? It’s one thing for you to chose a partner who behaves like this but it’s unfair of you to chose someone like this to be the father of your kids. How is this going to play out in the long-term?

The guy is selfish and sounds unpleasant. He is being unreasonable.

Occasionally like best mates birthday or works Xmas do sure. Every weekend or even once a month I'd think was excessive.

Anyone who says coke is cheaper than alcohol has no relevant experience to speak of I am afraid. If it was people who actually knew what they were talking about, it could be a productive discussion but it basically sounds like my Aunt Maud who hasn't seen a joint since 1965 speaking to young people about drugs.

I think my views are more relevant because they are informed by facts. It is worrying that so many of you have children and no absolutely nothing about drugs except for what you see on Eastenders or Doctors.

Thanks GEEpEe for your input.
This being MN, of course, means that there will always be prickly women who disparage posts like yours because, heaven forfend, you're a man. It happened over on one of the Corona Virus threads. A poster quoted her husband, who is a consultant in Infectious diseases, and was shot down for "mansplaining." This from an OP who had posted saying she didn't understand what was goi g on and could "someone" explain. By which, I suppose, she meant a female.

This site is royally pissing me off at the moment.

Coke is cheap if it’s twice a month

It is?? Where are you getting this cheap coke from??

Do you think your views are more definitive because you're male?

Oh my

This is a qualified medical professional with a speciality in drug addiction giving informed advice!

I have several patients who would love to know where all this cheap coke is!

If I were going on a night out where I live I'd take £100.

If I choose to stay at home and drink and get cocaine with my friends I could get a bottle of wine for £6. Even vodka or gin etc for around £15. Then could put £40-50 towards the coke. So it would be cheaper.

I also have a lot of experience in drugs users and addiction. There are many many many people out there using coke recreationally and regularly who haven't turned into full blown addicts unable to function.
Where I work approximately 50% of people (men and women) use coke regularly, probably once every couple of weeks if not once a week and would usually buy a gram per night at about £60
I don't agree that coke is cheap as usually it is accompanied by alcohol but £60quid for a night isn't particularly expensive either when a double Gin and Tonic is often £9.
The reason so many posters have come on guessing coke usage is because it is very very common, and the patterns of behaviour are very recognisable. There will be posters here who have either used coke themselves or have friends who do or used to in their younger years. Don't disparage people's opinions just because they are not 'professionals'. A doctor won't have experience with most casual users unless he is one himself or has friends that do. Most casual user don't go to see a doctor or 'professional' about their habit and frankly suggesting posters giving advice are like 'aunt Maud' is insulting.

Continuously staying out until 5am with the same group of mates, going back to friends houses after the night out, still able to function to get home. I would put money on there being cocaine involved in this situation. But the biggest indicator would be other factors that the OP hasn't shared, runny nose, coming home mostly sober etc.

But she knows that he does all the other things too and has access to his accounts if she wants to verify. She knows he's drinking far more than a bottle of drink and a gram of coke lasts the average group of mates about an hour or two. Theyd be doing much more if they were staying in and drinking because you have to be careful in pubs, clubs and bars as the bouncers know what to look for. These days a club owner is smarter than to sell drugs on their own premises like they did in the 80s or Martina Cole books. You'd keep your drug business outside of the legitimate businesses you use to launder money. The more dodgy the club owner, the worse the punishment will be for dealers caught compromising their business. Those guys don't call the police.

@Morgan12 exactly!! But apparently you're talking garbage because you're not a doctor.

I'm a 30 something middle classed white boy from Richmond, I know a little something about cocaine!

And I'm a 30 something middle class white girl from London, what exactly is your point?

My point is that my experience is not wholly professional although my patients do keep me up to date with inflation rates and general changes to how they have to live. Also, I do have friends that indulge recreationally. I have idiopathic tachycardia so cocaine isn't a great idea for me.

Your assumption that casual users do not disclose their drug use is patently false. Most people who come to see a GP do so because they are unwell and worried to some degree so offer any information that may have a bearing on what's going on. The exception to that is abuse of some description.

OP, you sound like a nice woman.

You are nervous of your husband.
You need to sort your contraception out.
Don't have anymore children with a man so clearly demonstrating that he's not interested in family life.

Your poor DD being ignored and rebuffed by her father.

I would be furious on her behalf.
Take care and seek support IRL. 💐

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