For wanting DH to leave a job he loves for a huge pay rise?

[Pollyspocketrocket]

DH works in the public sector in a senior management role. He works in a specialist field which is very much in demand, particularly in the private sector where the same type of role attracts a much higher salary. DH has been headhunted by a large private company who (following interview) have offered him a significant package including a salary increase of 68%. The employer is offering the same working hours per week, same home working arrangements for part of the week and the same annual leave allocation as DH receives with his current employer. The pension scheme is slightly less favourable but his prospective employer is offering health and life insurance which DH doesn’t currently have with his existing employer.

Since DH has been offered the job he’s now not sure he wants to take it. His argument is that money isn’t everything it’s the great working relationship with all of his colleagues, which makes a big difference to his day. He loves going to work and as an employer they’ve been good - he’s free to work flexibly and doesn’t have to work over his contracted hours or carry any stress with him when he leaves for the day.

AIBU in thinking that no one in their right mind would turn down such a large pay rise? The pay increase alone would enable us to clear our mortgage within the next few years and set ourselves up nicely for our future if we decide to have DC or alternatively, drop down our working hours in later life (I’m late 20s, DH early 30s) AIBU?

It has to be his decision.

I've been in the same situation. I took the job. It's been a massive increase in stress and strain, that I can't really share with anyone. But I'm willing to shoulder it. That choice wouldn't be right for everyone.

You want him to take this because you will reap the benefit, but he will pay the cost alone. So it's his choice, ultimately.

You say that as though everyone has the same opportunity and unfortunately a pay increase of that size is just not something which is going to be offered to me in the field of work I’m in.

So change field.
Whining about your own situation doesn;t give you the right to appropriate another person's career, or to make THEM earn more money in order for YOU to decide how it's to be spent.

Tough one as a 68% increase is a lot, what's the k figure?

On the other hand there is quite a bit of difference between the level of expectation/speed in private vs public although I'm sure this is area specific.

You are being selfish and unreasonable to expect him to leave a job he loves just because you want him to earn more money. Happiness at work is a massive thing and it’s something you can’t buy. Stop being materialistic and let him enjoy his work.

I actually don't agree with the 'his job his choice'. Well not completely anyway.

My DH would make this decision with me in mind and any future family etc. You are a partnership and this pay increase could literally change your lives. Think of the money you could save for future childcare etc, which probably means you won't need to sacrifice your career so much when the babies come.

He would be mad not to take this opportunity.

AIBU in thinking that no one in their right mind would turn down such a large pay rise?

I left a £150k job which caused me so much stress I barely slept. I now do a £60k job from home (mosty) with much less responsibility. I am definately in my right mind and much, much happier

Your husband should stop being such a hippie and take the new job.

I wouldn't expect my partner to have a say in whatever job I took, tbh.

It should be his decision alone.

And you're very naive thinking a massive salary hike won't mean a massive hike in expectation, hours and commitment.

Please take into account that if he leaves, even if he then comes back, he will have lost his continuous service with the local authority (which can be worth a lot in a redundancy situation) and may be on less favourable terms and conditions.
Also remember that for the first two years in a new job you can be sacked for virtually any reason and there is no right to claim unfair dismissal, so for the first two years he will be far more vulnerable than he is now.

If he loves his job and is happy then there is no reason to move. Very few people love their work...he is a lucky man. However, what was the reason he initially started looking for a new role? Is that still a factor? Ask him to think about what he wants out of life for the next 5, 10, 20 years - then he can work out if staying in the same job will work for him. The private sector is massively different to the public sector. (not that the people are different or better or anything like that) - but in the private sector if they are paying well then they will expect him to perform and continue to improve and do more and achieve more. If he's happy for this challenge and has the driver, enthusiasm and energy - then go for it. Does he want to progress his career or remain in the same job for a while.

What ever - you can't decide for him. It's his career. All you can do is decide if you see your future with him when he makes his decision.

68% increase doesn't mean a 68% takehome increase though AP if he trips the tax bracket. Also I'd rather have a happy healthy DH than an unhappy one who was stressed at work and loathed going.

If the money is important to you what are you doing to earn more yourself? You sound like an entitled presumptive arse.

This:

unfortunately a pay increase of that size is just not something which is going to be offered to me in the field of work I’m in

Then change your field of work to something more financially lucrative if loving your job isn't something you consider important. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think YABU. How many people do you know who genuinely love going to work? That's worth a lot. It may be the same work, but you will get different sorts of people at a private corporation than those who have chosen to work in the public sector. Not necessarily better or worse people, just different.

I think as his wife you absolutely ought to tell him you think he ought to take the job. He presumably values your opinion, and this will make a big difference to you. But ultimately the decision is his, and I don't think it's a crazy one to make. You have to let him make it.

If he really likes his work colleagues he will keep in touch and have them as friends outside work, such a salary increase should seriously be considered but ultimately quality of life wins out over money. Sounds like a good opportunity for a change but one he may well be a bit scared to make, moving into the unknown is scary

I think given your ages yanbu. We did exactly this. Dh and I had a very similar opportunity. We did that for about 8 years into till mid 30 and we are now mortgage free, built up a good portfolio of income and live a very comfortable life. But most of all we have lots of time for family life and with our dc. We decided to work hard then so that we could have a better quality of life for the future.
Unfortunately as it's your dh that would need to make this change, theres not much you can do. I personally think he is foolish but you cant make him do anything if he is truly happy with what he has.

I think he’s being abit wet. His new co workers might be even nicer! The fact he gets on so well with the current ones may mean he’s a popular easy going sort who would fit in well anywhere. I would follow the money. Nice work colleagues isn’t a reason to stay. Horrid ones is a reason to leave though.

@downlow it’s a £31k a year increase

it’s the great working relationship with all of his colleagues, which makes a big difference to his day. He loves going to work and as an employer they’ve been good - he’s free to work flexibly and doesn’t have to work over his contracted hours or carry any stress with him when he leaves for the day.

Once earning enough for the basics, why would anyone give up all this ^ for an untested new role ?

Anyone arriving in business from public sector is likely to suffer culture shock. It would be very risky to do this unless you really, really wanted to.

Having great colleagues is the holy grail of working life. Don't give it up lightly for a position where you are new, lack immediate networks and may even be in competition with your colleagues.

Have you worked out how much he would take home rather than just earn. Do you understand why the public sector is prepared to pay so much more ?

Oh, and look closer at that pension, too. And associated life assurance and spouses pension. You say it's 'slihhtly' less favourable but is it actually moving from defined benefit to defined contribution? That is v v different. Also, Most public sector pensions are based on your last, or last few years in work so leaving early means you get less.

The role is pretty much exactly the same as the one he’s doing already,

How can you be sure about that, when the ethos and culture are very likely to be so different? If it is such a specialised role, is it not a reasonably small 'world' so he can reach out to some people already in post to find out what it's really like ?

I also think of you already have the right quality of life for you in the present -and it sounds like he does - it is much more valuable and precious than hypothetical "improved" quality of life in the distant future.

The future isn't guaranteed. Better to live in the present. Sounds like the life he is living is right for him. I don't see why anyone should have to jeopardise that for somebody else's fantasy future if they don't want to.

AIBU in thinking that no one in their right mind would turn down such a large pay rise?

The trouble is... a head-hunting employer will offer the moon and stars to begin with. This company is offering a big pay rise but it sounds as if they're only just matching his current conditions and maybe that's just to attract him. Later on they may start pushing back - in theory the hours are whatever they said and he can work at home but they need him onsite today and everyone else is at work and does longer hours...

The pension is probably more than "slightly" worse when you go through the fine print. Especially if it's money purchase vs. final salary. And yes a public sector pension probably does include "death in service" money though not private health insurance.

If he wants to try something new, if he needs to move because things are going tits-up at work right now, or if he is ambitious and has a sense of where this job will take him in future, then OK. But actually it might not be as wonderful as it sounds. The high salary may compensate for less job security, longer hours and and a weaker pension. My DH has turned down similar-sounding offers when he's looked at the whole package, and while I'd say my DH is conservative I wouldn't say he's out of his mind.

He loves going to work and as an employer they’ve been good - he’s free to work flexibly and doesn’t have to work over his contracted hours or carry any stress with him when he leaves for the day.

^This is priceless. I wouldn’t leave a job like this for more money either.

YABU- Why don’t you go out and get a better paying job?

I think you're being unreasonable and attempting to micromanage his life. If you want more money, change careers or take on extra jobs.

You can't put a price on happiness or meaningful connections with others. How valuable for him that he has realised that relatively early in life. He sounds content and peaceful. You, however, do not.

Please let your husband make up his own mind, and just support him in whatever he decides. He’s very young, work-wise, with a long working life ahead of him, hopefully, and happiness in that work life is worth an awful lot, when it comes to one’s mental health and well-being. (I’m old enough to have experience of this!) If you can live comfortably as you are, I wouldn’t worry about paying off a mortgage early. There’s a reason for the saying “your health is your wealth”. Tell your husband that you will support him in whatever decision he makes, but that his happiness and wellbeing are the most important things.

Personally, I would see if they could give him VR and get the lump sum and then run into the lovely better paid job ... although they will prob want more of him for the money.

Good grief, another career co-optor who feels other people's earning potential is more important than whether they will be comfortable ...
what do you want, a Walking Wallet or a fulfilled & mutually supportive relationship with a human being?

With this new job offer on the table can he use it to go to his current employer and negotiate a raise and more benefits?

That doesn't happen much, if at all in the public sector.

it’s a £31k a year increase

Which I would suggest will push him into the 40% tax bracket, if he isn't there already.

If you look at my gross pay and then my tax and NI that's taken out (won't include pension, as that is essentially a saving), it's an eye watering amount being deducted. It's the net bottom line that matters, not the annual figure.