For wanting DH to leave a job he loves for a huge pay rise?

[Pollyspocketrocket]

DH works in the public sector in a senior management role. He works in a specialist field which is very much in demand, particularly in the private sector where the same type of role attracts a much higher salary. DH has been headhunted by a large private company who (following interview) have offered him a significant package including a salary increase of 68%. The employer is offering the same working hours per week, same home working arrangements for part of the week and the same annual leave allocation as DH receives with his current employer. The pension scheme is slightly less favourable but his prospective employer is offering health and life insurance which DH doesn’t currently have with his existing employer.

Since DH has been offered the job he’s now not sure he wants to take it. His argument is that money isn’t everything it’s the great working relationship with all of his colleagues, which makes a big difference to his day. He loves going to work and as an employer they’ve been good - he’s free to work flexibly and doesn’t have to work over his contracted hours or carry any stress with him when he leaves for the day.

AIBU in thinking that no one in their right mind would turn down such a large pay rise? The pay increase alone would enable us to clear our mortgage within the next few years and set ourselves up nicely for our future if we decide to have DC or alternatively, drop down our working hours in later life (I’m late 20s, DH early 30s) AIBU?

it depends on his current salary a bit if he was on 18-30k a year it would make a big difference if already on 50k it may not make him any happier, if he is already earning more than you it is different than if he is earning 50% of what you do and you are subsiding him
apparently about 50K is the sweet spot on salaries where more money doesn't make people happier ( this is more than 90% of the population earn) sometimes people know early in life that they want to work to live not live to work and are prepared to cut cloth accordingly for better work life balance
if he is content and not ambitious that is OK for him, is this is general personality because you can't make someone be a go-getter not every man is an alpha male wanting to be top of tree
also I think private sector will be expecting more in same time or you need to be more available
also some people are not cut out for private sector, I have a friend you tried law in private but she went back to public sector despite it being less thanhalf the money as she liked to do one project and finish it rather than balancing 7-8 cases at once

A bit ridiculous not to further himself because he likes his buddies. I bet they wouldn't stick next to him were they offered a better job.

there is def benefit in staying where you are happy at work..... however at yours/his age I would say now is the time to take that opportunity..

its not going to do him any career harm - lots more people ping back and forth between private/public sector now and is likely to give him better long term career prospects as will have a wider range of experience....

if he doesnt move for this what would he move for ??? or is he planning on staying exactly where he is for the rest of his working life...
I'm sure most if not all the collegues and friends he works with would not stay there if offered such a big rise and conditions...... whose to say they will all be there in 3/6 months never mind a year down the line..... saying sorry cant go cos i like working with Dave- life's not like that

I would worry about a lack of ambition if I was recruiting in future of someone in such a specialised area hadn't gone anywhere else to broaden their work experience....esp with no other constraints

Is the new job at the private company secure though? Is the company possibly going to go bust or announce redundancies in a few months or anything?

Maybe the public sector role has more opportunity for job progression? The new job is more money but is he losing any job security or other benefits he might have built up in his current role.

I’m an old fogey and would stick with my nice old job any day, but at his age, it might be different!?

I'm with DH. Enjoying your life is the only important thing. Money means absolutely nothing if you are miserable.

It doesn't matter that you are young - make decisions throughout your life that put happiness first and that's all you'll ever need.

Its a strange position to be in to want your dh to just@follow the money. Follow the happiness and contentment. He sounds wise.
What are you doing, what's your job, what is YOUR ambition? That's where you need to focus your energy. Don't be a 1950s woman … its 2020. If you need to chase money go and find it.

It has to be his decision alone.
This private company has aggressively head hunted him and offered him the earth. They will want their pound of flesh and will drop him like a brick if he doesn't suit.
A positive environment at work is priceless beyond money and that may be what his gut instinct is telling him.

You should be supporting him with whatever he decides not pressurising him because you want to enjoy the benefits of more money earned from his hard work. As a PP said, this is 2020 - you need to define your own career path to a high salary and success.

@2monstermash well said.

He has to work in the job, he has to cope, he has to take the stress, the pros and the cons. So totally his choice. I’d never pressure anyone to take a job.

That said, I’d put the advantages for the family clearly spelled out and say you’d support the new job with x or y. However ultimately up to him.

If he decides to stay I would support him, money absolutely isn't everything. Having worked mainly in the public sector for 3 decades, with a couple of brief dips in the private sector (and out again as fast as my legs could take me!) I would say the culture differences in the sectors are vast, chalk and cheese. It sounds like moving could be seriously regrettable.

AIBU in thinking that no one in their right mind would turn down such a large pay rise?

YABU.
You want your household to enjoy the benefits of a pay rise? - go & earn one yourself, & stop demanding that your DH become your cash cow.

It's up to you whether you want to believe DH is not in his right mind. But no - it's not insane to prefer contentment to money.
It IS controlling to want so much input over his working life decisions though.
Your desire to pay off the mortgage & be well set up seems to outweigh your desire for your DH to be happy.

And your observation that if we decide to have DC or alternatively, drop down our working hours in later life is coming over as mealy-mouthed: it reads like you just want a richer husband so that YOU can have babies &/or a career break.

If you cannot be more compassionate & pro-actively engaged with your DH's emotional wellbeing I suggest you set the poor bloke free & go gold-dig a richer one to "set you up nicely" as you so charmingly put it.

As per pp have you examined everything you can do to increase your earning then?

My husband is like this and sometimes it frustrates me because I am much more ambitious. But I had to accept that that's ME and its not fair for me to make demands on him, as he already has a good job and a decent salary.

I wish I could find the study, but a few years back I remember reading about a huge study where they found that once you reach a certain quality of life (you can pay your bills and plan for the future and have some left for a few treats) more money doesn't actually increase your happiness. And if you are always striving for more you will always be dissatisfied as there is always something else on the horizon.

It really struck me, because my husband has always been very satisfied with his life regardless of ups and downs, whereas I have always thought that I'd be happy if Ijust a payrise/a promotion/a holiday/a new car.

And.. You have a partner who can't easily be "bought". That's priceless.

My dh is a creature of habit too and has been with the same company for 20 years. I encouraged him to go for a job at the next pay grade when we got married, he did and got it. He was initially out of his comfort zone but rose to the challenge and has had two further promotions and works in a different sector of the company. Sometimes they just need someone to believe in them to give them that positive push. That being said I would do all the sums if I was your partner to check how much you would actually be better off. If it is not much he could ask his current employer if they could match the pay increase. You never know.

I went from the public sector to the private sector 12 years ago. I did get a very large salary increase, car, private health, all the works.

The first organisation I went to wasn't small (think multiple thousand employees, financially very stable, market leader). Within 6 months of being there, 2 people in the team were made redundant, which in the public sector, as your husband will know is generally an event. I asked what was going on and I was told "oh, we do this every six months, who knows where the axe falls". This then went to every three months. I stayed for 3 years and it was awful. I left in the end and on my last day, there was an announcement of yet another restructure, I heard it was a bloodbath.

I've been with my current employer (again large and financially doing bloody well) 9 years and have seen my fair share of bloodbaths (end of financial year is always interesting) but feel ok here at the moment as I've worked my way up. That could change at any time though.

The pension will never be as good as the public sector, Private Health he'll pay tax on (as you'll already know) and as it's a hefty hike in salary, a hefty amount more tax. Is the bottom line take home going to be a huge difference? Most of the benefits generally come with a tax implication.

I do work a lot longer hours, expected to work weekends "when there is a business need" and yes, it's more stress than the public sector.

I’ve experienced watching an unhappy DP. I’d take his happiness over more money any day.

This is also one area that I do not believe is a joint decision. You don’t get to decide that he has to change jobs when he’s already gainfully employed.

You can’t stay in a job forever because you like who you work with
Sure you can. If you're happy & can pay the bills, what's wrong with that?

and at his age he should take opportunities to progress while he can
Why "should" he?
Is he not allowed to set his own parameters?

While you say the benefits are similar, there’s often a lot more security in the public sector than the private sector.

I think the absolute values matter - if he’s only on £20k then it makes a big difference vs £100k less so.

One thing I’d caution you about is lifestyle creep - you say you’d be mortgage free within a few years but I’d expect at your ages you would both probably start looking at his colleagues with bigger houses and nicer cars and private schools and be tempted to just up the mortgage now he has bigger earning power. Which is fine, but be aware that it may happen and your extra income won’t necessarily mean financial freedom from mortgage debt unless you make a very conscious decision together to do that.

YABU and round grabby. It's his work life not yours.

If you think the extra income is important, you go get it.

@Toohardtofindaproperusername that's a lovely post.

A job offering that big a pay rise is usually because they expect to be buying your free time and the ability to monopolise it.

If I had job security that also gave me the quality of life that was important to me in terms of hours, stress, flexibility, culture, and salary then I don't think I would throw it away to chase money somewhere unknown where I wouldn't really have any job security for the next two years.

I have been in your DH’s shoes. During my “year out” in the private sector I worked well over my contracted hours, far more than I have ever done in my NHS role. They even wanted me to opt out of the working time directive. (I didn’t of course, although it was broken almost every week).

To start with it was great, it was an amazing experience, and I still miss my colleagues, but it took an enormous toll on family life which was not sustainable.

If my then DH had put pressure on me to stick with it he’d have become my ex-DH more quickly than he did.