For wanting DH to leave a job he loves for a huge pay rise?

[Pollyspocketrocket]

DH works in the public sector in a senior management role. He works in a specialist field which is very much in demand, particularly in the private sector where the same type of role attracts a much higher salary. DH has been headhunted by a large private company who (following interview) have offered him a significant package including a salary increase of 68%. The employer is offering the same working hours per week, same home working arrangements for part of the week and the same annual leave allocation as DH receives with his current employer. The pension scheme is slightly less favourable but his prospective employer is offering health and life insurance which DH doesn’t currently have with his existing employer.

Since DH has been offered the job he’s now not sure he wants to take it. His argument is that money isn’t everything it’s the great working relationship with all of his colleagues, which makes a big difference to his day. He loves going to work and as an employer they’ve been good - he’s free to work flexibly and doesn’t have to work over his contracted hours or carry any stress with him when he leaves for the day.

AIBU in thinking that no one in their right mind would turn down such a large pay rise? The pay increase alone would enable us to clear our mortgage within the next few years and set ourselves up nicely for our future if we decide to have DC or alternatively, drop down our working hours in later life (I’m late 20s, DH early 30s) AIBU?

You can’t stay in a job forever because you like who you work with and at his age he should take opportunities to progress while he can

Why can't you?

Money isn't everything. He's happy in his job and that's more important than a pay rise. It's not a character fault that he's prioritising his mental well being over money.

YABU. Your DH is right, money isn't everything (regardless of age). Finding a job that you genuinely love is VERY hard to come by, you can't buy that type of contentment. Being early 30s, he has many working years ahead of him and it's better for his wellbeing and your relationship that he's happy.

If you push him into taking a new job (and I'm not saying that you are) and he regrets it then that will have an impact on your relationship.

Bottom line is, it's his decision to make, no-one else's. He's the one that has turn up everyday. He has to do what feels right for him.

I agree with a pp that a man (anyone tbh) who is willing to settle for a pipe and slippers job in their 30s and with no DCs needs their head examining, esp when there's such a fabulous opportunity on the table!

It's only a fabulous opportunity if what you value most is more money and stuff. If you value your current situation and general contentment the most then it's a massive risk probably not worth taking.

We've been in a similar situation, and DH turned it down. Yes, it was a lot more money, but think about the negative impact on his mental health, your relationship, and how it would be if raising a young family if he was miserable in his new work environment. If you pressure him into it and it doesn't work out, you'll feel even worse.

DH eventually left his (lower paid, happier) role when that work environment changed and it was a better environment he was hoping for elsewhere.

If you were struggling at the moment, then it would not be unreasonable to want him to take the pay rise. But as you are currently comfortable, and he doesn't want to do it, YABU.

I think he'd be crazy to turn it down. It's great that he likes his colleagues but one day they will move on, his team will change. He is basing his long term career on a transient perk.

If it was me I would take the risk & encourage DH to do the same but you can't force him. Having said that I could move to another bigger employer & get paid almost twice as much but the changes to my lifestyle wouldn't make it worth it at the moment & I do have progression.

How long does he envisage staying in his current role? Indefinitely?

How long has he been in this role?

Has he ever looked for another job?

Could he use this as a reason to negotiate a pay rise in his current job.

I wouldn't ask my husband to leave a job he was happy in.

How much do you earn, OP? Perhaps you could move into a better-paying field? Or retrain?

I think he’d be mad not to take it. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. There is no guarantee working conditions where he is will remain the same - if his boss changes or the team dynamic changes, the whole experience could change. I can’t see it ever being easier to go than now when his confidence is high and he has this new role in hand. Make hay while the sun shines, his skill set may not be in such demand forever!

What if half the department leave over the next couple of years, or one takes up this offer instead?

People come, people go, managers change, CEOs change and bring a new culture. No organisation stands still or they stagnate.

He should take up the role, even just to get you mortgage free!

So long as the public sector role isn't in the NHS, then I think the happy working environment isn't at all to be knocked - it's a very large part of what makes working life bearable and all the money in the world can't replace it, if the new place doesn't have it.

If it IS the NHS then he'd be wiser to take the new job as the NHS won't be around much longer, the way things are going.

But in reality it has to be his decision - he has to make the judgment call because he's the one who has to live with the consequences.
And it may be that if he tries it and doesn't like it he'll be able to go back - some public sector roles are very slow to be replaced, so he might be able to slot right back in. I used to work in an NHS job where one woman left for a private sector job, hated it, and returned 2 weeks later with no difficulty or penalty (well she might have had a pension penalty, not sure, and then there was the continuity of service, but aside of that...)

MAybe he should write out a list of pros and cons to help him decide...

I agree with the others who said that if you want that money, you go and chase it. Don't just make excuses like your field of work doesn't allow it. Why are you allowed excuses but your husband isn't?

It's his choice. You can live with it or not but it's not fair to push him into something he's not happy with.

It's not being a hippie to value a positive work ethos. How offensive.

His job, his values, his time, his talents, his energy, his choice not yours.

Leave it to him and look to your own business, otherwise you'll be posting on divorce/separation threads in a few years' time.

If you value your current situation and general contentment

The current situation is almost certainly going to change at some point though. He's got maybe 40 years of working ahead of him. Surely nobody expects their work environment to remain static for that length of time?

Unless he works on his adaptability, he will almost certainly be made redundant at some point anyway. Given that he will have to learn to accept change at some point, what better opportunity than a fabulous new job?

The current situation is almost certainly going to change at some point though. He's got maybe 40 years of working ahead of him. Surely nobody expects their work environment to remain static for that length of time?

That's so true. Both DH and I have experienced major managerial changes - some were great, others not so much. He might be miserable in his current role in a few years and have no other experience on his CV. People don't tend to stay in the same place for decades nowadays, being adaptable is considered a skill.

He's still young. He needs to be brave!

I think YANBU sounds like a great opportunity, they don't come along every day. All the people saying for op to change her job, she's already said there will not be the opportunity. What happened to partnership?? This sounds like it could significantly improve their lives. He should grab it with both hands!!

My DH brings in what by most people's standards is pretty big money. It's stressful, he works long hours, he hates it a lot of the time. I'm disabled and experience has taught us that me trying to help by earning any money results in me being incapacitated and him having to come home from stressful job and then do all the housework and care for me and the kids so it's just not worth it. We foolishly took on a massive mortgage at a time when things were less stressful to get a house adapted to my needs and now DH is stuck trying to pay for it. Downsizing would not be as cheap because we'd have to pay a fortune for the necessary modifications again. For the moment we've agreed that we'll try to stick it out for a couple more years as we'd massively lose out if we sold. I wish I could go back in time, have a smaller house in a cheaper area and DH not stressed. Money is not everything, happiness bloody well is!

You are probably less likely to be made redundant in the public sector. One of the large national firms I worked in, we used to joke about the big lottery finger hovering over your desk saying 'it's you!'. Not because you were going to win the lottery but it was your turn to be made redundant

One of my colleagues had kept a phone list of everyone who was in our office when he first started. There were over 100 people on this list to start with and he would cross them off when they left. Think were less than 20 of the original people left when it was his turn to go, and he had been there about 10 years. The majority of people who had left had been made redundant or had been pressured to leave.

As others have said the 'official' hours will not be the same as the actual hours and unlikely to be paid overtime or time off in lieu. They will want their pound of flesh.

I’m in a profession which pays significantly more in the private sector than the public sector. It would have to be an amazing offer for me to give up my current work life balance and future security (in terms of pension).

I’m also not sure if it’s been mentioned but it’s quite hard to get back into some public sector roles when you’ve left, as many are advertised internally only.

Time is something very difficult to put a price on, I can bet the same working hours is not the reality of the two roles.

You shouldn't stay anywhere because of the people...people leave. You have to love what you do, if it's the same role I would take the leap of faith for such a big salary increase. Quality of life includes, home, holidays, luxuries...60% pay raise would see those skyrocket.

With a 68% pay difference he would never be able to go back.