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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

For wanting DH to leave a job he loves for a huge pay rise?

554 replies

Pollyspocketrocket · 24/01/2020 12:58

DH works in the public sector in a senior management role. He works in a specialist field which is very much in demand, particularly in the private sector where the same type of role attracts a much higher salary. DH has been headhunted by a large private company who (following interview) have offered him a significant package including a salary increase of 68%. The employer is offering the same working hours per week, same home working arrangements for part of the week and the same annual leave allocation as DH receives with his current employer. The pension scheme is slightly less favourable but his prospective employer is offering health and life insurance which DH doesn’t currently have with his existing employer.

Since DH has been offered the job he’s now not sure he wants to take it. His argument is that money isn’t everything it’s the great working relationship with all of his colleagues, which makes a big difference to his day. He loves going to work and as an employer they’ve been good - he’s free to work flexibly and doesn’t have to work over his contracted hours or carry any stress with him when he leaves for the day.

AIBU in thinking that no one in their right mind would turn down such a large pay rise? The pay increase alone would enable us to clear our mortgage within the next few years and set ourselves up nicely for our future if we decide to have DC or alternatively, drop down our working hours in later life (I’m late 20s, DH early 30s) AIBU?

OP posts:
BarbaraofSeville · 25/01/2020 19:56

Remember that many people took out their mortgages years ago. We owe £37k and could pay a lot of it off with savings except that we get more interest by leaving the money in our current account.

poopiedoop · 25/01/2020 20:08

I suppose because i'm in my 30s & in London most people I know would dream of 200k mortgages 😫

TheReef · 25/01/2020 20:12

Money isn't everything. Work life balance is much more important. I left a job I enjoyed for a 25% pay increase and much better benefits. It was fucking awful! Luckily I left on good terms and kept in contact with my ex employee. Within 3 months I was back. So much happier and a lot less stressed. My family was happier too

BoxedWine · 25/01/2020 20:12

Mine is well under half that and I still think OP is BU!

BarbaraofSeville · 25/01/2020 20:13

poopie

Most people don't live in London either Smile.

NemophilistRebel · 25/01/2020 20:24

I’m not in London but even a first home or flat is £300k so norm for people in their 20’s and 30’s around here to have £200/£300k mortgages to begin with

Then the ones in their 40’s around here have mostly upsized and end up with even bigger mortgages

DowntownAbby · 25/01/2020 20:25

Are you sure you've got the numbers right, OP?

You said the increase = 68% = £31k

Therefore he's currently on £45.5k and will go to £76.5k

Ignoring pension contributions entirely:

£45.5k = £2,873 net.
£76.5k = £4,409 net

So £1,536 difference but pension contributions will reduce that, unless the current job's pension contributions are vastly greater than the new job's, of course.

Still a decent wack, but might be nowhere near what you're hoping to get your hands on.

TeacupDrama · 25/01/2020 20:28

@poopiedoop the average mortgage is actually about £134K ( there are approx 11 million mortgages currently in UK) but that includes everyone so some will be 5,10, 15 ,20 years into paying it off

the average new mortgage is about under 200K as the average house price in UK is 229K the maximum mortgage is normally 90% but of course most mortgages are not for maximum amount.
the regional average price varies in London it is 450K and the south east is just over 300K the south east and the southwest, east and west midlands are between 2-300k , everywhere else is under 200k
of course there may be pockets in Northern cities with higher prices like Harrogate and Chester but overall the prices in the North east and north west are much lower
above stats from office of national statistics

TeacupDrama · 25/01/2020 20:40

The average house price is 229K

the average first home would be less as first homes are generally smaller rather than larger than average
this doesn't mean that they are not small areas where 300K won't buy a 2 bed house or flat but 300K will buy a 2 bed house in 93% of UK,
and 250k will buy 2 beds in 85%, 200K in 73% of UK, 150K in 56% 100k in 29% of uk

this BBC calculator on where you can afford to buy /rent is great www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-23234033

Poliann · 25/01/2020 20:43

I think he should go for the new position, he went for an interview so must have been interested. You are a team when your married and your opinion should matter. I also agree he may like his new colleagues as much as his current ones. What will he do if his current colleagues leave the company for better positions ! I feel its rude for people to suggest if pollyspocketrocket wants something better she should find a better job with a 68% increase. To pay off your mortgage and set yourselves up for the future is a great opportunity and is something she'd probably do if she could which he would then benefit from but the opportunity is his and I feel he should do it for the family.

yellowallpaper · 25/01/2020 20:46

Friend did this. Left a job he loved for a much better paid one. 5 years later he had to give up work because of stress, depression and anxiety causing a breakdown. He's just getting back into work at a far lower wage than originally.

Be careful what you wish for OP

CapnSquirrel · 25/01/2020 20:51

Early thirties with no children... very odd that he lacks drive? In fact he doesn't even need drive - they're handing it to him on a plate! It's like winning some money in the lottery and saying "nah, I like my life as it is thanks".

Nothing is forever, he could leave if it didn't work out, especially as you say his skills are in high demand. I would find this hard to understand if he was my DH and would secretly (or not so secretly!) be annoyed with him. Ultimately it's his decision of course but staying put because you like some people at work is a bit of a weak excuse so YANBU.

ItIsWhatItIsInnit · 25/01/2020 21:03

It's like winning some money in the lottery and saying "nah, I like my life as it is thanks".

Apart from winning the lottery doesn't come with having to work long hours and stress.....

NCforsafety · 25/01/2020 21:10

YABVVVU
His job his choice. Poor bloke.

Milkandhoney123 · 25/01/2020 21:14

The spiteful people who are saying the op should find a way to clear the mortgage- she hasn’t been offered a higher paid job has she? He has, which is why she is keen for him to take it, she doesn’t owe any of you an explanation for her own career status.

Aridane · 25/01/2020 21:37

Nah - instead of leeching off DP's money and mental well being, I guess it's posters suggesting she step up herself and go for the money

Scarsthelot · 25/01/2020 21:43

It's like winning some money in the lottery and saying "nah, I like my life as it is thanks".

No it's not.

The spiteful people who are saying the op should find a way to clear the mortgage- she hasn’t been offered a higher paid job has she?

How is it spiteful to say, if you want a certain lifestyle, go out and get it yourself.

How is it spiteful, to tell someone to provide a high income themseleves, when they feel it's ok to force someone to work more, have extra stress in a job they dont want because they want more money

You want more money, go sort it yourself. Dint try and force someone into a position they arent happy with, to get that extra money.

BoxedWine · 25/01/2020 22:02

It not only isn't spiteful, it's sensible. A spouse can always leave you or refuse to continue in their high earning role. If it's something of such great importance, better to get into a position where you can control it yourself.

RedskyAtnight · 25/01/2020 22:10

It's like winning some money in the lottery and saying "nah, I like my life as it is thanks".

No, it's like winning the lottery but not having any choice over how you spend the money.

TeacupDrama · 25/01/2020 22:13

it is definitely not like winning the lottery that is money for nothing, although lots of research shows that 6 months down the line even big lottery winners are no happier than they were before
Also almost every person on thread whether in favour or not agrees that that the new job will almost certainly be more work there are many other pros and cons but money for nothing it isn't

I do not think the OP is a horrible person for seeing it as an opportunity or encouraging her DP to take it, she would only be horrible if she tried to force her DP into taking it or tried to manipulate him into doing so by belittling him. There is absolutely not a shred of evidence from anything she has written that this is the case; however her DP was headhunted he didn't go for an interview he wasn't applying for or looking for a new job

neither do I think her DP is horrible or silly for saying no thanks I'm happy as I am, I do not need more money I am comfortable as I am with our current lifestyle/bills etc; in a job I am happy with and I value walking out at 5.30 each evening and not being expected to work late or be contactable until 9am the following morning more than I value a large payrise

it would be naive for either OP or her DP to assume that new job would not mean more work /hours for the money even if on paper the hours are the same

in the long run this is a choice for her DP when either choice is fine

Throwaway2020 · 25/01/2020 22:13

I am so pleased so many people waste their potential in jobs which underpay them so I don't have to jostle with them for the higher paying (and cushy) jobs
Peter Principle is all I have to say. Probably the reason so many of us have lasting mental health issues from management who don’t have a clue what they are doing and just in a job for money, not passion.

riceuten · 25/01/2020 22:24

"life insurance which DH doesn’t currently have with his existing employer"

Actually, if he pays into the LGPS, he DOES have life insurance, you will get 3 x his annual salary if he were to pass away.

I don't know your personal circumstances so would hesitate to comment, but, underneath it all, it's he who will be doing the work, and he who must be happy. As a public sector worker myself, I can imagine the private sector company might come under new management and the promises made may become worthless. He'll certainly be expected to regularly work late unpaid if they're proposing a 68% salary increase. And not take his full annual leave entitlement.

lazylinguist · 25/01/2020 22:25

I am so pleased so many people waste their potential in jobs which underpay them so I don't have to jostle with them for the higher paying (and cushy) jobs.

How sad to judge the fulfilling of people's potential based on their pay packet and the cushiness of their job. And how unpleasantly snide and smug you sound.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 25/01/2020 23:42

Does this mean he's never going to change jobs then? I would never advocate doing a job you hate for more money but this sounds ideal. Sounds like he's just got cold feet.

Ishotmrburns · 26/01/2020 00:39

Happiness is much more important than money. That being said, he is so young and things change quickly. I'm surprised that someone his age doesn't have more ambition. I don't think it's healthy for a young person to hang around in the same job forever, knowing that there is no further progression available, just because you like your colleagues and it's comfy. That doesn't get you anywhere in life. All those people he has good relationships with will eventually move on as well. He can keep those relationships going in his new job and they can still be useful to him throughout his career, even if they aren't at the same company. It's great to know lots of people in different places in your industry.

So if I were him I wouldn't hesitate to take the new job. But I'm not him, and neither are you. It's entirely his choice and if you push him on this issue he will resent you for it.