To think MIL is crazy and can't be trusted with DD?

[Tulips26]

So MIL always seemed a bit strange, but never thought she would do this.

We have a 5 month old DD and live 3 hours away from her so she's been complaining since DD was born that it's so unfair and why can't I change jobs and move to her town. The last few months she's been asking almost every day to have DD over for a whole weekend 'alone', which is tricky to arrange because we live so far. And I'm also still breastfeeding so haven't been able to leave her more than 3 hours.

I got tired of her asking and asking and finally agreed. I pumped every day for 2 weeks to get enough milk for a weekend and we booked a B&B near Mil's house so we'd be close if she had any problems.

I thought MIL would be ecstatic to get the 'girls' weekend with DD she'd been begging for, but she was furious we'd booked a B&B so close to her house, said we didn't trust her and should have booked somewhere at least 1 hour away.

To be honest I wasn't really comfortable leaving DD alone for that much time with ANYONE, but I felt so pressured to keep the peace.

We dropped her off just before lunchtime on Saturday and had a nice day alone just me and DH. I phoned MIL at 7 to ask how things were going and to say goodnight to DD but her phone went straight to voicemail. Phoned a few more times, no answer and forty minutes later I decided I needed to check everything was fine and went to MIL's house.

I found DD screaming being looked after by MIL's other granddaughter who is 12 (our DD's cousin). MIL is nowhere to be found.

Our niece explains she's been really interested in babies and MIL said she could get work experience looking after DD while MIL went to the cinema!! What the hell??

I was fuming, phoned my SIL shouting but SIL wasn't aware this had happened and was extremely apologetic, picked up her daughter straight away.

MIL finally got home after her movie night with friends and started shouting at us for checking up on DD, saying everything was under control and that our niece was perfectly capable of looking after a baby and we should be encouraging her skills and giving her the experience of looking after a baby herself.

I left in tears and we drove home straight away. MIL keeps calling but I'm refusing to talk to her.

I've told her she can never look after DD without us present again. Not keen on visiting her for a long time either. SIL and DH both say I'm overreacting a little bit and that it was bad, but not that bad!!?!

Jfc you are FAR from overreacting.

She bullied you for the baby, complained once you brought her, left her alone with another child without your consent, then yelled at you when you found out.

It would take me months to consider even speaking to her again. She was wreckless with your baby, and doesn’t show you any respect as the parent.

Your DH and SIL need counseling to be deprogrammed. I would have guess she is just acting crazy out of grief, but since they don’t think it’s “that bad” it must be normal for her.

By law the 12 us only just old enough to be left at home alone ... recommendation for baby sitting is 16 years ... ok no law but I would be fuming with husband for saying it’s not that bad. What if something went wrong??

Your mil is crazy and her kids are not entirely sane either to be honest

learning.nspcc.org.uk/child-protection-system/children-the-law/#article-top

When my DS was about 6 months old we went on holiday with in laws and SIL.

They both suggested that we leave our DS with SILs two children, who were under ten at the time (and very badly behaved), in their holiday apartment, so we could all sit in a separate apartment, have dinner and get pissed.

Obviously it was a no from me and DH and consequently neither of them have ever looked after DS on their own.

They have terrible judgement and are very lax on safety and totally lack common sense.

They would say I was a worrier and prone to overacting

As the years have gone by, they've offered numerous times to have DS to stay for 2-3 weeks over the summer holidays, always on his own, dressing it up as if they're doing us some massive favour and that surely we must want to be rid of him for a while.....

I am far more assertive since having him and now have no problem with saying a firm no. This is what you must do now OP. Don't ever get railroaded into something you don't want to do again.

It was planned all along. 12 yo wanted to babysit so granny sorted it. That's why she went apeshit with you staying so close as she knew she might get caught.

I think @Whatsnewpussyhat is right

If I was you I would never have anything to do with her again! Your DH needs to have firm word with her, she’s crossed a line and how can your SIL and DH think you overreacting, what a cheek!

Wow, your MIL is crazy.

Don't leave your baby with her ever again, she really can't be trusted.

I just don't understand, cinema over a grandchild you don't see very often left with a 12 year old, WTF.

Unfortunately your DH was raised in a dysfunctional household where his mum pissed off often and left a barely out of pre-teen sister to look after him. He knows no different because his experience has been so warped, so he does not understand that your MIL's behaviour is NOT....NORMAL. MIL sounds neglectful and it makes me wonder how your DH and his sister weren't removed from her care when they were younger. If people knew at the time, social services certainly would be making serious visits. To be honest, I hate to say this, but this is one time I definitely feel going No Contact with MIL would be best, and not allowing her to see DC again - heck, I would never speak to her or see her again. She is an abusive and neglectful mother and grandmother, she is a danger to children. She is manipulative, cruel, unstable and cannot be trusted with children. I would never allow her to see DC again, and I would be urging your DH to cut off contact from her, too. Yes, this is THAT SERIOUS. However, if you can't bring yourself to do that, I would ensure that MIL is never, I repeat never allowed even 5 minutes alone with your DC.

Leaving a 5 month old infant with a 13 year old girl, or 12 year old girl, is absolutely irresponsible and neglectful. Almost as bad, is her deliberate deceit. Her lies, her manipulations. The fact that she didn't tell you about the niece. How can you ever trust her again? Issues? Flipping heck, she has more issues than Time Magazine! She needs serious psychological help. Saying she has 'issues' is the understatement of the century. Your DH needs to learn that the way he was raised is not the way how any real sort of mother actually treats her children. DH's perception of normal is extremely warped. If he doesn't come around to either No Contact or at least not allowing her to see his daughter again, then this is truly I feel, a divorce trigger. Especially if he continues to put his own daughter in danger like this.

Definitely not over reacting!
This is the most batshit crazy idea ever!
Force a BF baby to stay and leave him with a 12yo! With your phone switched off. Because you are lonely!
Did the 12yo even have your phone number?

Why didn’t she want to stay in with both grandchildren or even visit you and babysit while you went out for a couple of hours, rather than make you pump all that milk and travel a 6 hr round trip with a baby.
I am furious for you that your DH has a brain malfunction.

I would go nc totally unacceptable especially her behaviour after the incident. She sees no wrong in what she did.

Well only one good thing has come from this...she won't have the impudence to ever ask again.

She's truly crazy... no responsible adult would do what she did.

She can't be trusted.

Why on earth did you give in to her idea in the first place?

She is absolutely batshit, selfish ... honestly, what was she thinking??

Fair enough having your niece round where she could supervise. But leaving a 5mo with a 12yo and going to the pictures - insanity.

I'm absolutely raging on your behalf. I've read some shit on here but this is just outrageous. I would go NC for quite a while if I was in your position.

I often think MN is very hard on MILs but this woman is completely and utterly out of order. I would not be leaving a child with her at all, ever.

Unforgivable. I would never trust her judgement again

Would I have waited (to have proof how long she was intending to leave DD with a 12yo)
Or gone home and let her have a panic when 12yo is gone (collected by SIL) and so is the baby (cos I've fked off home with my DD) and she's momentarily in an empty house with not a fking clue where anyone is ???

Ok, so shouting at your SIL was a little misdirected but entirely understandable in the circumstances.
So MIL was only angry because she was found out?
She deceived you into using your baby as works experience.
She was uncontactable when supposedly in sole charge of your baby
She yelled at you for staying close by because she already had this planned.
Exactly who would DN have called if there was a problem?
No part of this is ok and no, you should not be gaslighted into thinking you are making a fuss over nothing.
Your DH and SIL are delusional and are exercising the same level of poor judgement as your MIL. I feel sorry for your niece.

Holy shit.

Absolutely not overreacting.

If DH can't see that I'd also worry about his fitness as a parent.

Dear gods. I have neither children nor in-laws and this is completely psycho-ceramic. I would never let her near a child again and, should she regularly look after other grandchildren, I would be flagging her up to the police and social work for potential neglect judging by what she thinks is acceptable here. I was a child in the 1960s and 1970s, and no one I knew was ever left like your husband and his sister, certainly not on either side of my family. Her behaviour was never normal and is completely and utterly dangerous and batshit now.

YANBU.
Not at all!
Your MIL has proven herself to be completely untrustworthy.

My baby is 4.5 months and EBF, the thought of leaving her with anyone overnight is unbearable. What on earth was your DH thinking? No-one NEEDS someone else’s baby overnight. Some people might choose it but the MIL is appalling.

I’d be NC for good and she’d never see my child ever again. Full stop. What a completely awful human being to do that to a baby.

Your MIL takes batshit to a whole new level! I'd be nc with her and threaten her with a restraining order preventing her from being anywhere near your baby! Your husband and sister in law are as warped as she is if they don't see the issue!

Babies typically aren't shaken when they're quiet, it's when they are screaming like you described and the caregiver can't cope! That's a lot of responsibility to put on a 12 year old on her own! Your lucky your baby wasn't hurt or killed!

That is truely crazy and you are not over reacting. But I can't get over the fact you left your 5 month old for a whole weekend with a relative she presumably hardly knew and who had never looked after for even an afternoon alone, previously?! I get you were pressured but honestly listen to your instincts next time!

I’d not be impressed either. I would have been ok if it was to pop to the local shops to grab a few things but not something like the movies.

YANBU OP. Your poor baby must have been so scared & confused at suddenly being with strangers. And I feel sorry for the niece, too, what a burden to put on her & I bet she'll be made to feel (at least by the GM, if not het own mother) that she's "failed" somehow because you didn't trust her to babysit.
I agree with the PP who pointed out that if you couldn't contact the GM, no-one else would have been able to, either. Unacceptable behaviour by the GM. I really hope your DH realises this.