To think MIL is crazy and can't be trusted with DD?

[Tulips26]

So MIL always seemed a bit strange, but never thought she would do this.

We have a 5 month old DD and live 3 hours away from her so she's been complaining since DD was born that it's so unfair and why can't I change jobs and move to her town. The last few months she's been asking almost every day to have DD over for a whole weekend 'alone', which is tricky to arrange because we live so far. And I'm also still breastfeeding so haven't been able to leave her more than 3 hours.

I got tired of her asking and asking and finally agreed. I pumped every day for 2 weeks to get enough milk for a weekend and we booked a B&B near Mil's house so we'd be close if she had any problems.

I thought MIL would be ecstatic to get the 'girls' weekend with DD she'd been begging for, but she was furious we'd booked a B&B so close to her house, said we didn't trust her and should have booked somewhere at least 1 hour away.

To be honest I wasn't really comfortable leaving DD alone for that much time with ANYONE, but I felt so pressured to keep the peace.

We dropped her off just before lunchtime on Saturday and had a nice day alone just me and DH. I phoned MIL at 7 to ask how things were going and to say goodnight to DD but her phone went straight to voicemail. Phoned a few more times, no answer and forty minutes later I decided I needed to check everything was fine and went to MIL's house.

I found DD screaming being looked after by MIL's other granddaughter who is 12 (our DD's cousin). MIL is nowhere to be found.

Our niece explains she's been really interested in babies and MIL said she could get work experience looking after DD while MIL went to the cinema!! What the hell??

I was fuming, phoned my SIL shouting but SIL wasn't aware this had happened and was extremely apologetic, picked up her daughter straight away.

MIL finally got home after her movie night with friends and started shouting at us for checking up on DD, saying everything was under control and that our niece was perfectly capable of looking after a baby and we should be encouraging her skills and giving her the experience of looking after a baby herself.

I left in tears and we drove home straight away. MIL keeps calling but I'm refusing to talk to her.

I've told her she can never look after DD without us present again. Not keen on visiting her for a long time either. SIL and DH both say I'm overreacting a little bit and that it was bad, but not that bad!!?!

Fuck me, people come on here wondering if they should leave a 12-year old home alone, and your MIL not only did that but left a 12-year old looking after a BABY? A baby that MIL was supposed to be looking after?

I'd be getting her checked out for dementia, she's fucking lost it if she thinks that's ok.

OP, one of the lovely things about breastfeeding is that you can say no to this shit, and that's final. You are absolutely right to be as angry as you are. Ask your husband what exactly he thinks his niece would have done if your DD had a febrile convulsion while his mother's phone was off!

MIL showed herself. You know now she is a manipulative, lying, neglectful woman who has no concern over your baby or her safety except to use her as she sees fit. She doesn’t get a say whatsoever nor can she moan and pout about not being able to see her grandchild and she can only blame herself. Your dh is a fool as well as your sil for not seeing how serious this is. Definitely wouldn’t let mil near your baby unless supervised nor trust your dh or sil to abide by that. I wouldn’t even leave baby with sil. No amount of grief makes what she did acceptable. It would have been worse if something tragic happened and I doubt they would use grief as an excuse for it then.

How they don’t see purposely lying to them and buggering off to a movie with no one knowing and having her phone off is not that bad says a lot.

The police would have likely been called if someone had come by and walked into the situation you did and couldn’t reach your mil. I doubt she left the numbers for you and her daughter to be called since neither of you knew. Point that out to them and see if they still agree, it’s not that bad.

I'm guessing that the MIL was like this when the OP's DH and SIL were growing up, manipulative so they now can't see the wood for the trees. You will have to make it very clear to your DH that you don't want your MIL to have unsupervised contact ever again. It sounds like she has still got a real hold over them.

I feel really sorry for your DIL's 12 year old. How must she have felt, being left in charge of a 5 month old baby??

@NoSauce

You seem to have a hobby in catching out OPs, I've seen you doing this on other threads. Why are you so invested in whether internet randoms are genuine?

I had my DGS overnight first when he was younger than 5 months at DS and DDIL's request. I was on high alert all night in case anything happened. Even now he is 6 when I have him, I don't really sleep properly. This DGM has been utterly irresponsible and you are right not to want anything to do with her. This will be the last time you don't listen to your instincts, and I think this is almost a rite of passage where new motherhood is concerned. You were right to be round the corner and double checking by phoning and then going round. Your instincts were already telling you that she was not to be trusted - all you need to do now is listen to them going forward.

FUCKING HELL I haven't read the full thread but I cannot believe what I just read. DO NOT let this woman near your child unsupervised again.

I don't think you should have left your baby with her for the weekend in the first place. No one has the right to be alone with your baby.
Your mother in law sounds crazy. I really wouldn't be letting her babysit until your daughter is much, much older and able to tell you what she is doing, if ever.

Please please report her to police for neglect so if she ever tries to take you to court for access to your child there's a record of what she did. I cannot emphasise enough how important this is. Don't go near her again and don't let her have any contact at all. I hope your DH agrees.

@no sauce....people change things slightly on mumsnet so as people who might know them, dont recognise them.

I just wonder who are the 1% of the over 1200 Mumsnetters who have replied so far who think that OP is unreasonable and I would be interested to hear them explain why they think so.

Sorry missed last line. It IS that bad. Sil and DH are wrong

I have only read the OP

Your mil is a raging narc who has conditioned those around her to accept her batshittery.

YANBU

Was this last saturday? What has happened since then? Has she rang? Or apologised?

@Darkbendis Maybe the answer is that the 1% comprise the MIL, SIL and the OP's DH and a few friends.

Cantwaitforsummer2020
It's completly up to calypso how how long she is comfortable leaving her baby for, GP or not.
I didn't leave my children with anyone when they were tiny babies and not overnight at all until they were at school.

That is bad and I'm very laid back , why the hell did she leave her with a 12 year old ffs . That could have ended very badly ! No wonder you are cross and don't want her near you .. you can make amends with her if you wish but keep her at arms length for forever !

She would never be alone with my child again as she cannot be trusted at all.

I'd be reading DH the riot act too given he isn't just as upset as you. Actually, why hasn't he been telling his mother to back off when she has been pressuring you to leave you EBF baby with her? I'm guessing he was also for this stupid idea??!

I'd have nothing to do with her if she was my MIL however neither would my DH!
Our DTs are 12 and fairly sensible however they wouldn't know how to deal with such a young baby unsupervised

You are under reacting. In the same position I’d probably have wanted to phone the police for her abandoning her! (I know that’s ridiculous but I wasn’t sane when feeding my dd at 5 months)

I’m so angry for you, you must have been so upset.

Your MIL is fucking nut job. Seriously. Your DD should never be left with her again.

And of course your DH and SIL think you’re overreacting. Idiots.

How f*cking dangerous, irresponsible & downright bloody sneaky- your MIL is batshit!! Awful woman.
Thank God you were so close & checked on them. You're TOTALLY right to react/feel how you do - never let that stupid woman look after your precious baby again. Hubby needs to grow a set & 100% have your back on this.

Terrible behaviour from MIL.

This is just horrendous. It really is.