To think MIL is crazy and can't be trusted with DD?

[Tulips26]

So MIL always seemed a bit strange, but never thought she would do this.

We have a 5 month old DD and live 3 hours away from her so she's been complaining since DD was born that it's so unfair and why can't I change jobs and move to her town. The last few months she's been asking almost every day to have DD over for a whole weekend 'alone', which is tricky to arrange because we live so far. And I'm also still breastfeeding so haven't been able to leave her more than 3 hours.

I got tired of her asking and asking and finally agreed. I pumped every day for 2 weeks to get enough milk for a weekend and we booked a B&B near Mil's house so we'd be close if she had any problems.

I thought MIL would be ecstatic to get the 'girls' weekend with DD she'd been begging for, but she was furious we'd booked a B&B so close to her house, said we didn't trust her and should have booked somewhere at least 1 hour away.

To be honest I wasn't really comfortable leaving DD alone for that much time with ANYONE, but I felt so pressured to keep the peace.

We dropped her off just before lunchtime on Saturday and had a nice day alone just me and DH. I phoned MIL at 7 to ask how things were going and to say goodnight to DD but her phone went straight to voicemail. Phoned a few more times, no answer and forty minutes later I decided I needed to check everything was fine and went to MIL's house.

I found DD screaming being looked after by MIL's other granddaughter who is 12 (our DD's cousin). MIL is nowhere to be found.

Our niece explains she's been really interested in babies and MIL said she could get work experience looking after DD while MIL went to the cinema!! What the hell??

I was fuming, phoned my SIL shouting but SIL wasn't aware this had happened and was extremely apologetic, picked up her daughter straight away.

MIL finally got home after her movie night with friends and started shouting at us for checking up on DD, saying everything was under control and that our niece was perfectly capable of looking after a baby and we should be encouraging her skills and giving her the experience of looking after a baby herself.

I left in tears and we drove home straight away. MIL keeps calling but I'm refusing to talk to her.

I've told her she can never look after DD without us present again. Not keen on visiting her for a long time either. SIL and DH both say I'm overreacting a little bit and that it was bad, but not that bad!!?!

Your husband needs to start listening to you!
Don’t let anyone undermine your confidence & mothering instincts
Especially your Husband! He was very wrong and should realise it!

YANBU and if anything, you're UNDERreacting!

Your MIL is absolutely bonkers and if I were you, I would be NC after this. That woman would not be seeing DD or I ever again. Your DH can go and visit his mum but that's as close as she gets.

I’m the least possessive over my children person I know. I’ve worked with children in various capacities for over 30 years.

You are not wrong to feel the way you do. I can’t understand how your DH doesn’t feel the same.

@Tulips26 - This bit of one of your posts jumped out at me - DH and SIL say their mother was very wrong but she has issues
My come back to that would have been "And our 5 month old child is not her plaything to sort out these issues with."
Also from that same post - and they also think the 12 year old is very mature for her age so DD would have been fine Well, clearly your DD wasn't 'fine' because when you walked in you found her "screaming" so the 12 year old didn't know what was wrong and how to pacify their baby cousin.

I also echo the very big concerns that this woman wore you down to the point where you agreed to let her look after you child and you had to pump every day for a fortnight to facilitate her demands yet when she has this precious grandchild that she is demanding to see, she fucks off to the cinema with her gal pals??

It would be a very very long time before I would let this woman cross the threshold of my home let alone spend any time in her company elsewhere, irrespective of what recent tragedies she has suffered. She is a dangerous woman. Your husband doesn't sound like he is fully accepting of the severity of the situation and he needs, no, must, step up and become Papa Bear to protect his new family. If he doesn't, then you have a much bigger issue to deal with.

Good luck!

I agree with PPs that you should have stuck to your guns and said 'no'. Your DH should be backing you up as well, not accusing you of overreacting. She probably did that sort of thing when they were growing up so haven't realised just how wrong what their DM was.

I hope you let your DH read these messages.

How would everyone have reacted, if your DD didn't stop crying, the 12 year old got fed up and tried to shake her to stop, and injured/killed her? There is a reason 12 year old aren't even allowed to look after themselves!

You are her mother. It is your role to protect her, and anyone who challenges this should be told to take a flying f**k. It doesn't matter AT ALL what your SIL thinks, and if your DH doesn't support you on this, I would be having a very serious conversation on why this is unacceptable. And why your MIL will never be allowed unsupervised access to your DD. Do NOT be bullied into letting this go, or feeling guilty - your only responsibility is to your child, and you need to be strong for HER.

Leaving a 5 month old baby with a 12 year old?! ESPECIALLY when you were unaware & had been pestered to leave her with your MIL. Who does that? I'd be fuming. YANBU

"saying everything was under control and that our niece was perfectly capable of looking after a baby and we should be encouraging her skills and giving her the experience of looking after a baby herself.we should be encouraging her skills and giving her the experience of looking after a baby herself."

This is very creepy behaviour. Who TF thinks a 12 year needs to learn how to look after babies??? And the 12 year old saying she's "interested" in babies - I'd be worrying she was trying out weird experiments on DD to see how she reacts. It's all just unhinged and weird and you should stay the hell away from MIL.

MIL sounds off her rocker. I can't believe you agreed to leave a 5mo breastfed baby for a weekend though especially with someone you weren't comfortable with. That just seems very strange to say the least.
Remember, you're your child's advocate. Their interests need to come first, not MILs.

Never give in again. Your mil is a loon. I think she’s actually dangerous.

@2020GoingForward I was 16 when I gave birth to my child, my ex’s mum kept pressuring me to give her my one year old overnight, sending me texts,letters, voicemails as well as coming over constantly and asking in person. I knew this woman wasn’t the most loving or patient person in the world and I simply told her no despite various threats and begging from her whole family. I too was told it’s what’s best for the baby but only a mother will knows what’s truly best and leaving a breastfed baby with her grandmother for the weekend wasn’t the best choice imo who even does that??? If you really want to put your child’s needs first you absolutely will no matter what happens. I hope the op has learnt a lesson here has the baby been checked over? The 12 year old could of dropped it or lost her patience whilst she was crying she herself is a child.

Wow! That's beyond irresponsible of MIL, that is indeed crazy! She wouldn't be having my DD by herself again. End of.

@Whatsnewpussyhat has got it in a nutshell

A five month old breast fed baby with an inexperienced 12 year old sitter? Fuck no. I'm afraid of what I would've done to MIL in response and god help DH who tried to minimize that.

With pp in saying you need to shore up your own boundaries here. Why are you speaking to her frequently enough for her to be badgering you every day about something?

If she has issues why would your DH think it's OK to leave a baby with her?!

This is very creepy behaviour. Who TF thinks a 12 year needs to learn how to look after babies??? And the 12 year old saying she's "interested" in babies - I'd be worrying she was trying out weird experiments on DD to see how she reacts. It's all just unhinged and weird and you should stay the hell away from MIL.

What?? Or the baby was crying because her needs weren't being met by the 12 year old in charge. What thought are going through your head that that would be the conclusion you draw from that?

This is disgraceful.

Your dh needs to man the fuck up.

I am amazed you agreed to this, I wouldnt have and m doubly amazed she thought itt was ok to leave baby with someone else. There is no need for drama as it is so bloody obvious, just dont leave your baby with her again

I normally defend MIL from over zealous Mothers and their PFB but in this instance you are perfectly justified in my opinion and not over reacting at all.

I would not leave a 12 year old with a baby unattended to go to the cinema. Maybe to get a pint of milk but not in those circumstances at all!!

Letmegotosleep I said no to bf baby staying overnight or weekend with IL. However I gave in with the walk and regetted it.

I didn't have the whole grief aspect OP had on top of the pressure - I really don't see what heaping blame on OP now does.

I grew up in a family which was constantly undermining - married into a similar one - it's constant unrelenting and people who have no experince of this often assume they'd react in different ways and often have no clue what they are taking about IME.

Omg! I cannot believe what I have just read!
It's illegal, immoral, your baby was put in danger and your poor DN!

Why wasn't your SIL informed that her DD would be babysitting? What did your MIL say to DN?

If I was in your shoes and DH did not back me up... well... there would be a frosty environment for quite some time and I would be letting him know that I was uncertain about his judgement around DD's welfare.

@thestrangestthing It is not beyond the realm of possibility that a child sees a baby as a doll. The instincts of motherhood and nurturing/caring is not well formed, and so pinching a baby, letting it cry, experimenting with feeding it different things to stop the crying, shaking it- if children could be trusted with babies, it would be legal to leave them in charge. I've seen a case where a child tried breasfeeding the baby as that's what she'd seen the mother do. You'd have to be very naive to think that any 12 year "interested in babies" understand fully what exactly they entail and require.

Don’t ever ‘give in’ to people again when it comes to your baby.

Why are you speaking to her frequently enough for her to be badgering you every day about something?

Less contact, less information about what your doing and broken record and just plain refusing to talk about things are good techniques to use.