To think MIL is crazy and can't be trusted with DD?

[Tulips26]

So MIL always seemed a bit strange, but never thought she would do this.

We have a 5 month old DD and live 3 hours away from her so she's been complaining since DD was born that it's so unfair and why can't I change jobs and move to her town. The last few months she's been asking almost every day to have DD over for a whole weekend 'alone', which is tricky to arrange because we live so far. And I'm also still breastfeeding so haven't been able to leave her more than 3 hours.

I got tired of her asking and asking and finally agreed. I pumped every day for 2 weeks to get enough milk for a weekend and we booked a B&B near Mil's house so we'd be close if she had any problems.

I thought MIL would be ecstatic to get the 'girls' weekend with DD she'd been begging for, but she was furious we'd booked a B&B so close to her house, said we didn't trust her and should have booked somewhere at least 1 hour away.

To be honest I wasn't really comfortable leaving DD alone for that much time with ANYONE, but I felt so pressured to keep the peace.

We dropped her off just before lunchtime on Saturday and had a nice day alone just me and DH. I phoned MIL at 7 to ask how things were going and to say goodnight to DD but her phone went straight to voicemail. Phoned a few more times, no answer and forty minutes later I decided I needed to check everything was fine and went to MIL's house.

I found DD screaming being looked after by MIL's other granddaughter who is 12 (our DD's cousin). MIL is nowhere to be found.

Our niece explains she's been really interested in babies and MIL said she could get work experience looking after DD while MIL went to the cinema!! What the hell??

I was fuming, phoned my SIL shouting but SIL wasn't aware this had happened and was extremely apologetic, picked up her daughter straight away.

MIL finally got home after her movie night with friends and started shouting at us for checking up on DD, saying everything was under control and that our niece was perfectly capable of looking after a baby and we should be encouraging her skills and giving her the experience of looking after a baby herself.

I left in tears and we drove home straight away. MIL keeps calling but I'm refusing to talk to her.

I've told her she can never look after DD without us present again. Not keen on visiting her for a long time either. SIL and DH both say I'm overreacting a little bit and that it was bad, but not that bad!!?!

I’ve never left my 8 month old, breastfed (and weaning) baby with anyone, including DH, for over two hours. I mean I recognise that’s probably extreme in the other direction but it’s what we are comfortable with.

I’d be furious if someone did this to me with a five year old, let alone a five month old

Two things...:

Leaving a 12 year old in sole charge of a baby... And at night... RED FLAG....

Creating such a drama over having your baby alone for a whole weekend and you bending over backwards to facilitate... ... And then GOING OUT.... Ridiculous.....

No...i just wouldn't do anything now...

Especially if she can't see how dangerous her behaviour was.... It doesn't even sound as the child she left your baby with even had any experience of babies....
What would have happened if your baby had stopped breathing?? Is this child supervising able to deal with emergencies... In the right order??

I wouldn't be visiting.... If she wants to see your baby, she should travel the three hours and build up a relationship with the baby when you/OH are present....

That's it.!! IMHO... Obvs

Why did she want the child for the weekend if she was just going to fuck off out to the cinema?
I would remind sil that not only had she put your child on a bad position but arriving to a screaming child means that sil's own daughter was left in a shitty position.
Both your DH and sil are now trying to minimise what happened, don't let them and let this be a lesson not to now to mil's pressure for anything.

What the actual fuck!?

And op, listen to your instinct, if you are not comfortable about something you dont have to go along with it. Firm bounderies you need.

I’m literally it definitely is that bad!

This is appalling. Using your baby as a fucking work experience project for a 12 year old!? This is serious. You need to step away from this woman and protect your child from her. Let your DH deal with her in future - she's nuts.

What she did was totally unacceptable... I'd be fuming. There is no 'not that bad' involved...
However you do seem to be lashing out in all directions..so that might be the over reacting comments.. . Why did you ring your SIL shouting? ... Your issue is your MIL.... She was the one meant to be looking after your daughter.

In your MIL batty head she will feel justified in her opinion that you stayed to close and were checking up on her.... But turns out rightly so.

Calm, consistent firm message is way to go going forward. I'm not sure I'd trust her again...

What the hell! That's totally unacceptable.

Also she was being underhand and manipulative re the cinema visit/child babysitting....

You were CORRECT not to trust her!!!

I can’t believe you first shouted at your SIL. Considering you had no clue about this arrangement why did you assume she did? For the rest of course YANBU. At all. Batshit. And never ignore your gut instinct again - no loving GP would insist on a full weekend like this and go mad about the B&B being too close. That alone is worrying enough. Your poor niece too. Bit worrying your DH is not seeing it like it is as he will need to handle this one.

Yup, that's pretty terrible on lots of levels. The deception. The lack of judgment. The lack of boundaries. The lack of remorse. Stand firm OP. Show your DH this thread. It really is that bad.

WTAF?

Doing the mumsnet thing here, but would 12 year old niece know what to do if your DD started choking?

If your DH and MIL cant see that this is hugely irresponsible then they need to give their heads a wobble!

You are not overreacting and it seems that MIL has pulled this kind of madness with them before and they can’t see clearly.
Do not let them convince you that YABU

Why the fuck would you give in to her demands when you were so uncomfortable about it?

Never give in to pressure where your DC are concerned.

YANBU. Your MIL is batshit. You are correct.

What was the point of as soon as she got a better offer she pisses off to the cinema and dumps baby on to the first person who said they would look after baby no matter how unsuitable (no offence to your Dniece who is probably getting a telling off for something that was beyond her control)

Agree with pp that if this is considered to be ok what else did she do bringing up your dh and sil

I also feel really sorry for your niece..she wouldn't have been able to cope if anything had happened. A more sensible MIL (which yours most definitely isn't) would have just brought her around to play with baby and taught her over time how to feed, clean, dress, burp baby... All while being supervised.
It would be a line in the sand with me for MIL but would try to keep controlled contact with rest

Nevet let anyone pressure you like that again just to please them. Your child is your responsibility and you need to do what's best for them, pleasing others at the expense of their wellbeing isn't. If you have a gut feeling that leaving such a young baby for a weekend with someone isn't a good idea, it probably isn't. I would never trust your Mil again.

YANBU!!! Firstly you should not have given into pressure to letting your MIL have her alone for a full weekend. This would have been traumatic for your breastfed baby to be suddenly separate from you.
Secondly no you are not overreacting at all. I would be livid. Your DH should be supporting you. The fact she wants you at least an hour away is alarming. I would never be allowing her alone contact again.

Wtf she’s totally unhinged. Your dh and dsil probably don’t see it as much because they grew up with it.

Firstly you should not have allowed yourself to be bullied into leaving a tiny baby for so long. Please realise it is okay to say no to something you don't want.

Secondly, I'm not sure If I could come back from this with MIL. It is so underhand, unsafe and downright bonkers. Absolute minimum would be less contact and never having your child alone again. Whether I could get past that enough to have a future relationship with MIL at all, I'm not sure.

Who's the 1% who thinks a 12 year old should be left in sole charge of a 5 month old that they barely know for several hours??
YANBU. I wouldn't be trusting MIL on her own like that again with such a young child, as she seems to lack basic, common sense or any respect for how the parents might feel about such an arrangement.
She'll tell friends what has happened and hopefully a few of them will be sensible enough to explain why you might be upset with this

I will also add that she sounds like a master manipulator who can play two adults so probably her story of trying to do something for your niece is more like she manipulated her too and likely the whole thing was her idea.
She is mad

I usually hate the mil abuse on here, but your story is horrendous. What an awful woman she is. Not only for her treatment of your Dd, but also the 12 year old, because if any thing had happened, then that girl would have to live with that forever.
Believe me, you are NOT overreacting!!