To think MIL is crazy and can't be trusted with DD?

[Tulips26]

So MIL always seemed a bit strange, but never thought she would do this.

We have a 5 month old DD and live 3 hours away from her so she's been complaining since DD was born that it's so unfair and why can't I change jobs and move to her town. The last few months she's been asking almost every day to have DD over for a whole weekend 'alone', which is tricky to arrange because we live so far. And I'm also still breastfeeding so haven't been able to leave her more than 3 hours.

I got tired of her asking and asking and finally agreed. I pumped every day for 2 weeks to get enough milk for a weekend and we booked a B&B near Mil's house so we'd be close if she had any problems.

I thought MIL would be ecstatic to get the 'girls' weekend with DD she'd been begging for, but she was furious we'd booked a B&B so close to her house, said we didn't trust her and should have booked somewhere at least 1 hour away.

To be honest I wasn't really comfortable leaving DD alone for that much time with ANYONE, but I felt so pressured to keep the peace.

We dropped her off just before lunchtime on Saturday and had a nice day alone just me and DH. I phoned MIL at 7 to ask how things were going and to say goodnight to DD but her phone went straight to voicemail. Phoned a few more times, no answer and forty minutes later I decided I needed to check everything was fine and went to MIL's house.

I found DD screaming being looked after by MIL's other granddaughter who is 12 (our DD's cousin). MIL is nowhere to be found.

Our niece explains she's been really interested in babies and MIL said she could get work experience looking after DD while MIL went to the cinema!! What the hell??

I was fuming, phoned my SIL shouting but SIL wasn't aware this had happened and was extremely apologetic, picked up her daughter straight away.

MIL finally got home after her movie night with friends and started shouting at us for checking up on DD, saying everything was under control and that our niece was perfectly capable of looking after a baby and we should be encouraging her skills and giving her the experience of looking after a baby herself.

I left in tears and we drove home straight away. MIL keeps calling but I'm refusing to talk to her.

I've told her she can never look after DD without us present again. Not keen on visiting her for a long time either. SIL and DH both say I'm overreacting a little bit and that it was bad, but not that bad!!?!

I thought there were a lot of posts because it was another 'mean about mil' thread, but no.
She's insane.
This is shocking

YANBU

I would have trusted my MIL to look after my son when he was 5 months, but she would never have pulled a stunt like this. She would also never pressure me to do that in the first place.

Sounds like it's more about control with her and not anything to do with her relationship with your DD. If she wanted to see her so much, why choose that evening to go to the cinema?

i cant believe your SIL is not as furious as you - what if the baby had chocked/been dropped/or any other medical emergency - a 12 year old is not equipped practically or emotionally to deal with a crisis like that. God forbid the worst happened that 12 year old would have to carry that for the rest of her life and it wouldnt be her fault.

Yes I'm all for 12 years old helping to babysit but with a competent adult within earshot.

You’re not over reacting. Your DH and SIL are massively under reacting!

Did your stupid SIL think that this would look good on your niece’a future babysitting resume? “My batshit grandmother let me babysit once when my cousin was tiny. You can use her as a reference, but not his parents because they’re NEVER, EVER to know!!!”
Good plan!!!

My DM can seem quite clueless at times. As an example, she didn't intervene to stop one of my DNephews from picking a very poisonous toadstool and then asking if it was safe to eat it. There were anxious moments before he was able to sterilise his hands.

It's sometimes as if she freezes and is unable to act. But then she'll go on and on about something comparatively trivial.

When we were growing up it was like that, too. I've spoken about the abuse on other threads; there were times when there were clues that something was wrong but she wasn't looking.

Then later, when we were adults, she allowed my DB to be given the anti-malarial prophylactic Lariam for a family Christmas trip to The Gambia. It's notoriously risky to people with poor mental health. The GP refused to listen to her concerns but she didn't have to go along with it. On all other trips to Africa, we've all taken chloroquine and paludrin. It's not so effective at preventing malaria but you wouldn't die from it because it protects you from cerebral malaria, the fatal strain. What was even more ridiculous was that no one was even bitten by a mosquito during our week's holiday.

She also keeps asking when she can take the DDs out. We insist on her only having one at a time (she always used to be completely shattered after looking after both of them anyway). One of us takes the DD to the place she wants to take them to, and then picks her up. DD1 (10) does stay for sleepovers now, and my DM is always careful to talk to us about everything she's doing with her. And a 10 year old doesn't need the same level of care that a younger child needs. The only worry is that DD1 has serious anger issues and might lash out at her DGM. So far she's been on her best behaviour,though, as she usually is one to one.

I'm wondering what husband & SIL would be saying if it was your mum who had done this, Op.

I know that MIL threads can get skewed-I don't like mine & have to try to remember that they aren't all like mine!

But how does it being their mum & daughter who are involved make it in any way, shape or form acceptable?

Well the answer is it doesn't because it isn't !

MIL asked to look after a 5month old & left her for some time with a child.

Not her decision to make-even if it had been a responsible adult!

In fact if the baby's parents were nearby, it's unlikely that anything other than the direst emergency would have meant that she didn't have time to wait for them to get there.

There's a huge difference between a 13 year old looking after her baby brother that she has been involved and helping with since he was born, and a 12 year old being presented with a very small baby that she barely knows and left with said baby for hours with zero experience or familiarity.

The poor child must have been as well. I'm surprised that your SIL isn't more pissed off at your MIL putting a child in that position. I can see why she might not want to take the line "your baby was in terrible danger" because she hardly wants to finish that sentence with "...in my daughter's care"! So I can see why she might be minimising slightly, while being privately furious.

I'm a nana to three granddaughters. I would never behave like this. Your MIL is not to be trusted. You as the parent make the decisions about your child and what you say goes.
Do not allow yourself to be belittled and pressured, you definitely know best. Your MIL should be taking her cue from you. She should be bending over backwards to follow your lead, and doing everything your way every time.
I feel angry on your behalf. How dare she behave like this.

Obv. the MIL is batshit. Not THAT keen to see her grandchild after all. At least you know you don't have to feel even REMOTELY guilty about low contact after this.

Again, where are the men in this?
Where is the father of the 12 year old?

My DH would be incandescent if his MIL had put our 12 yo in the position of responsibility for a young baby without our knowledge, without the baby’s parents’ knowledge, and with phone turned off.

She would never, ever have unsupervised visits with my baby again.

I'd make sure that your niece knows that it's not her fault though.

Honestly, she's insane if she thinks that's okay.

Driving 6 hours round trip for a baby’s sleepover, for which MIL fucks off to the cinema.

Just dreadful.

You should have never agreed in the first place if you didn't want to?

Our instincts are there for a reason

Have only read the first few pages so this might already have been said...

It’s a standard mumsnet line that dh should take the lead on sorting out his crazy mother in these situations. In general I find it works better all round to deal with your own family, and let him deal with his rather than have a direct conflict. However, in this case where neither he nor sil quite grasp the gravity of the matter, I think you’re dealing with a more complex dynamic and probably a dense case of FOG

My advice is to take charge. Don’t leave your baby with her unsupervised. She’s shown that she’s not responsible.

Don’t talk about it. You’ve already been worn down once, and your dh likely won’t have your back completely. If you take a big stand you’ll get push back. Just don’t leave the dc alone.

I had to do similar when mine were young. I often was gasping for tea, or leaving in just a minute, or needing a sit down ... until dh arrived after work. I never said anything outright but I ensured that my dc were not left alone.

I don’t think it’s worth breaking a relationship over these things. My dc have a lovely relationship with their gps and I value that highly. If I had to go nc with all the batshit people in our family, we’d have no one left, and I might have to cut myself off too.

You don’t have to fight. You’ve said your piece. Everyone is clear on where you stand. Expecting apologies, and affirmation that you’re right is unrealistic, especially in a family as mired in FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) as this one. Just stand your ground now.

And as others have suggested, work a little on your own boundaries. Have a think about how you came to the conclusion that leaving a baby with an unfamiliar person for a whole weekend was in any way reasonable. Do you have a support network, and access to sensible level-headed advice? This is where I’d be putting my energy right now. I’m not trying to attack you over this (believe me I understand the pressure only too well) but that decision was not right and suggests that you might need to shore up your own resources.

You are 100% not overreacting at all!!!
She can't be trusted! What the hell was she thinking?! She's 5 months old! There was a red flag when she actually got angry with you for not booking a b&b further away! She should understand how difficult it can be for Mum's to leave their baby's at such a young age! And she couldn't have been that desperate to look after her if she was swanning off to the cinema with her friends rather than spending her time with her GD. I'm with you on this one. I would be furious and I wouldn't trust her to look after her alone again.

Think OP is being unfairly bashed about leaving DD with DD's own DGM. I think some people are forgetting how tiring, emotional, and hormonal the first few months can be and actually everyone probably makes concessions that they don't feel 100% about at some point. That's why I think DH should've been firmer with his mother.

Also, MIL & DH have no respect for the effort it would have taken to pump enough milk for a whole weekend. That in itself is hard work and the fact MIL did what she did shows she has a total disregard for you and the effort you put in, and a complete lack of empathy for you as a new mother who might find leaving your baby alone for the first time. She should've bent over backwards to make the weekend as stress free for you as possible. She did the opposite and can't see how wrong, rude, disrespectful, manipulative and dangerous she was.

Holy shit OP I’m actually angry for you. The whole post has made me uneasy and stressed. She’s insane, and I wouldn’t be leaving DD with her ever again - no discussion or compromise.

This is shocking. That you MIL, DH and SIL are defending this is shocking.
I have never understood this ‘alone time’ with grandchildren. My parents and in laws never asked for this, and the only time they have ‘alone time’ is at our request not theirs.
Anything could have happened. I also feel sorry for your 12 year old niece, thankfully nothing happened but it so easily could have and a 12 year old doesn’t have the maturity to handle this, or the repercussions of this.
I would never let MIL be physically alone with your child ever again, she cannot be trusted, her judgement is lacking.

Your MIL is a manipulative liar. Who can be more vulnerable than a baby? Your MIL's feelings are not your responsibility. Your baby is. Your MIL could/should end up in a prison for something like that. Also you could if you will leave your baby with her again because now you know she is negligent.

I wouldn't leave her in charge of the 12 year old again, never mind a baby. Jesus fucking christ.

That was horrible to read. Try not to beat yourself up OP, we want to think the best of people and trust them.
Go with your instincts in future, you will never regret prioritising your baby.

What did she see at the cinema?

@SharpieInThe - probably a re-run of "The Hand That Rocks The Cradle"

Every post about MIL to date seems to be from DIL's with a grudge. However, on this occasion your MIL is totally batshit!

I wouldn't leave my 19 year old with a young baby. She can fend for herself but ....NO WAY would I leave her with the responsibility of a young baby! What if something happened? 😱 I'd never forgive myself. Different if it's her own baby (Please God! Not yet!).

I wouldn't have asked for a 5 month old, breast fed DGC to be dropped at mine for the weekend. That's just madness!

YWNBU to never allow your MIL to care for your DC ever again. I wouldn't! As a grandmother I wouldn't expect you to.