To think MIL is crazy and can't be trusted with DD?

[Tulips26]

So MIL always seemed a bit strange, but never thought she would do this.

We have a 5 month old DD and live 3 hours away from her so she's been complaining since DD was born that it's so unfair and why can't I change jobs and move to her town. The last few months she's been asking almost every day to have DD over for a whole weekend 'alone', which is tricky to arrange because we live so far. And I'm also still breastfeeding so haven't been able to leave her more than 3 hours.

I got tired of her asking and asking and finally agreed. I pumped every day for 2 weeks to get enough milk for a weekend and we booked a B&B near Mil's house so we'd be close if she had any problems.

I thought MIL would be ecstatic to get the 'girls' weekend with DD she'd been begging for, but she was furious we'd booked a B&B so close to her house, said we didn't trust her and should have booked somewhere at least 1 hour away.

To be honest I wasn't really comfortable leaving DD alone for that much time with ANYONE, but I felt so pressured to keep the peace.

We dropped her off just before lunchtime on Saturday and had a nice day alone just me and DH. I phoned MIL at 7 to ask how things were going and to say goodnight to DD but her phone went straight to voicemail. Phoned a few more times, no answer and forty minutes later I decided I needed to check everything was fine and went to MIL's house.

I found DD screaming being looked after by MIL's other granddaughter who is 12 (our DD's cousin). MIL is nowhere to be found.

Our niece explains she's been really interested in babies and MIL said she could get work experience looking after DD while MIL went to the cinema!! What the hell??

I was fuming, phoned my SIL shouting but SIL wasn't aware this had happened and was extremely apologetic, picked up her daughter straight away.

MIL finally got home after her movie night with friends and started shouting at us for checking up on DD, saying everything was under control and that our niece was perfectly capable of looking after a baby and we should be encouraging her skills and giving her the experience of looking after a baby herself.

I left in tears and we drove home straight away. MIL keeps calling but I'm refusing to talk to her.

I've told her she can never look after DD without us present again. Not keen on visiting her for a long time either. SIL and DH both say I'm overreacting a little bit and that it was bad, but not that bad!!?!

The OP is getting some very unfair comments here, I think. No, she shouldn’t have given in if she felt uncomfortable, but she was trying to do a decent thing and I can’t imagine that for one minute she thought anything like this would happen. She left her baby with her grandmother (who she had presumably ‘met’ before) she didn’t leave her with a complete stranger or anybody who she thought couldn’t be trusted. She was also very nearby, I imagine because she thought her MIL would contact her if anything went wrong or the baby became very distressed. If this ‘event’ hadn’t have happened I don’t think as many people would be criticising her for doing as she did.

I feel very sorry for your niece in this situation OP, I hope she understands that this wasn’t her fault and that nobody is angry with her? She was put in an awful situation, if that happened to one of my students I would report it as a safeguarding issue.

www.gov.uk/law-on-leaving-your-child-home-alone
Show your DH. And if he still doesn’t get how bad it is, ask him to ask his work colleagues who have kids ‘say, what age did you first leave them?’ ‘Hey do you think a teen can babysit a baby?’ Hopefully the looks on their faces will start to penetrate the conditioning he’s had.
I was home with my 6yr old sister from the age of 12 - BUT - day time only, while my parents were at work ONLY, with two contact numbers plastered over every flat surface in the house and a backup adult locally in case of dire emergency. Never, ever, for the friggin... cinema... do not let anyone normalise Any. Single. Part of this event

There is not a fucking chance I would ever be allowing my DC near that unhinged, devious irresponsible woman again.

I wouldn’t give a fuck that her DH had not long died, that’s no excuse.

Block her and let your DH deal with her.

I've got a 12yo and if anyone left a baby with him without discussing it with me, I would be beyond furious. The same goes for my 14yo, actually. The most I let either of them do with their little sister is look after her for 20 mins while I pop to the garden/down the road, and their sister is 4.

I do think your boundaries were way off to 'give in' to yolur MIL in the first place, but she has so severely abused your trust that, if this were me, there would be no unsupervised childcare by her until the child was old enough to call me in an inappropriate situation. So we're talking mobile phone age, which is about equivalent with secondary age. And possibly not then either.

Also she had her GDD for ONE night and she couldn't stay in to look after her?? Why on earth did she prioritise a night out with her friends over her offer to look after her GDD?

This is obviously completely unacceptable and if it was me it would be a long time before she saw my child again and after that only highly supervised. You can never trust her again.

I’m also surprised by your DH’s reaction. My DH loves his mum but if she (or anyone) broke his trust like that over the care of his vulnerable baby he would hit the roof.

I can't believe what I've just read!

Your DH and SIL may be a bit protective what with Mils husband passing but they need to open their eyes.
You cannot leave your baby with her again.

Your poor baby, also poor 12 year old! If someone had given me sole care of a baby at 12 years old I'd be a little frightened to be honest. No idea what to do and no way of contacting grandmother if something happened.

At least now you have a good reason to avoid her completely. Don't give into your DH if he tries to talk you round. You need to protect your baby!

Batshit! I'd be the same as you op.

I couldn't get over that. Who does she think she is playing parent with your dc. What if something serious happened and a 12 year old was left to handle it.

If your baby needed medical treatment or anything social services would have been involved and you may have had to fight to get her back.

I'd be done with her an never speak to the psycho again.

This is partly why I personally found toddler groups - with other parents where I could make friends and talk to more experienced parents and often GM useful - as it gave me another reference point as was SAHM at the time.

So if family and family friends were insiting something batshit was normal - I'd check I wasn't the mad one and helped me stay my ground.

NC wasn't an option for us - as TBH as children started talking and getting older they improved seeing less as objects I think - as DH found it hard to do stuff we'd even agreed before hand I had to go and be present and intervene.

Here I'd suggest trying for NC - and possibly settling for L/C with you always present - don't let them get away with down playing though - 5 months choking of stuff they pick up isn't unlikely - could have been nasty for both 5 month and 12 year old.

And it doesn't matter how strong your bounderies and values are, if you're getting repeated pressure the average person will eventually buckle.

Absolutely untrue, OhWell.

If you truly believe this, then your boundaries are nowhere near as strong as you think they are. You would not be buckling under pressure from anyone if they were. Including DH. Including him being the father. Your boundaries would be stronger than internal or external pressure to be ‘fair’.

Whenever I read about grandmothers demanding to have the baby alone I always want to know whether they would have allowed their own DM or MIL to do this when they had their babies. The same goes for the women who overstep boundaries and let themselves into their adult children's homes and rearrange things unasked. How would they have felt if it had been done to them?

But when SIL was 13 she was asked/told by her parents to look after her brother.

But in this case, neither parent (unless I have misread/misunderstood) even knew that a 12yr old would be in sole charge of their daughter at all!

It was planned all along. 12 yo wanted to babysit so granny sorted it. That's why she went apeshit with you staying so close as she knew she might get caught.

She lied to you.
She lied to her son.
She lied to SIL who clearly thought granny just wanted a lovely weekend with her granddaughters.
She must've told the 12yo to keep it a secret too. Huge red flag. She clearly wasn't coping with the baby yet wouldn't have been able to contact GM and if she had phoned you or her mum she would've got in trouble.
She put both of her grandchildren in danger without a second thought.
She knew it was wrong and threw a wobbly and turned it back on you when caught out.

No fucking way. You say your MILs phone weren't to voicemail? What is the 12 yr old needed to reach her?

I wouldn't have left my baby at all in the first place - get better at saying no to people and meaning it when it comes to your child. A breastfed 5m old might be ok with someone else for a couple of hours if you're happy to leave them but for a weekend? No.

It is disgusting that your MIL left your baby with a child! What a responsibility to put on her and how bloody stupid. I would be livid and I'd wouldn't be letting her see the child unsupervised again. How ridiculous.

I agree YADNBU that your MIL is mad. However you are even more unreasonable for leaving your baby with her in the first place, but at least you have learned this lesson before something even worse happened.

When I was pregnant my ils started with the speeches about how their youngest dd 8/9 (SN) was looking forward to taking the baby out in the pram etc. How handy we lived 3 streets away etc so she could take him out with her friends!!
Tbh out relationship never recovered when they realised this was never going to happen. I did offer sil use of the pram for a doll but told her no way would ds ever be in it. Once let her play with him in the passage - crawling age -, she closed the door, was a bit suspicious.. He climbed half way up the stairs holding skipping rope and slipped. Landed in a heap, unhurt but crying .. I got shouted at off fil for telling sil off!! Visits were minimal after that.
Stand your ground up. Dh cannot talk you down imo.

I just don't get all these GPs who demand time on their own with the baby. It's bloody weird and just makes me wonder what they're planning to do that they think the parents won't like. OP, your MIL is batshit. Don't beat yourself up, you tied yourself up in knots trying to please other people but that doesn't make you the bad guy.

I wonder if you hadn't gone round and discovered the 12 year old looking after the baby if she would have told you?
Totally inappropriate x

I honestly judge you more for leaving your small baby overnight just to please someone else. This was never in your baby's best interest and only go please your mil. And look at what happened and I'm sure it's a harsh lesson learnt. You need to grow a backbone and firmly put people in their place when it comes to your child. And that includes your pathetic husband.
Leaving a tiny baby in the care of a 12yo, I would be furious and prepared to never have anything to do with your mil ever again.

When I was a toddler my parents left me with my grandparents, my grandparents had to go out to work and they left me with their 14-year old son some of the time, he was a paedophile, you can guess the rest.
If children are allowed to treat babies like dolls to be played with one of them might decide that this child is a sex doll :(

@Tulips26
That's a horrible thing to say. So much for Mumsnetters supporting other Mums.

As a grandmother myself I totally agree your MIL is completely mad. I actually read your OP out to my DH as I was so flabbergasted anyone could do anything so crazy and he agreed and he is normally so laid back he is horizontal. I question whether this was normal for your DH and SIL growing up so this is why they are not so furious as you. You are right to only let your MIL see your DD in your presence in future. She sounded mad though from when you said she wanted you to move jobs so you could be closer to her. I also feel sorry for the DN who must have felt overwhelmed dealing with a screaming baby. Your poor DD.

I apologise. I marked the wrong poster. I meant @Brazi103.

Instead of beating yourself
remember
you listened to your DH who believed his Mum was competent to look after your Child.
He was wrong and shouldn’t be allowed to minimise his naivety with regards to his Mum & her irresponsible actions
You stayed close by in a B & B because you wanted to make sure she was safe!!
You didn’t just ignore your instincts as being over protective when phone calls were unanswered
Your actions saved your child from an unsafe situation
Stop beating yourself up. You are a good Mother who could sense something was wrong. Believe in your self & stop doubting your abilities
Thank heavens you don’t live closer!

You know that whenever a grandparent goes on about "having alone time", they cannot be trusted. You see it on here time after time, with the mother being bullied by the in laws, and her husband going along with it. I suspect OP's husband was also pressuring her, and using FIL's death to make her feel she was being unreasonable. I hope after this, he will trust that his wife knows best about their child's best interest, because he obviously doesn't, due to his upbringing.
SIL looking after him is not comparable, because she was there since he was born and seeing how their mum did things.

OP, I hope your husband starts backing you up from now on. As well as the Toxic InLaws book pps recommended up thread, there is a companion book, called Toxic Families. Try to get your husband to read it.