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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it is harder to have an only child than more?

294 replies

Rosehip345 · 23/01/2020 21:33

Just that really. Been having a discussion with friends, all with at least one child up to four.
From my experience I think it is harder to have one as they need the constant attention that siblings give each other. Plus the teaching them to share, occupy themselves etc?
Just intrigued to know others thoughts and how many you have?

OP posts:
Emergencycake · 23/01/2020 22:51

I had a second in quick succession as I found the first fairly easy. Then number one became an extremely energetic toddler and I had a baby who didn't sleep through. A few years on, when they get on its great. When they bicker it's hard going. I mostly feel like a referee.

alifelived · 23/01/2020 22:51

I have two which is harder than one but not as hard as three or more...

HTH

Bobleywobley · 23/01/2020 22:53

Having 1 is great. I look at people with more and they look so stressed.

PattiPrice · 23/01/2020 22:53

I have two. I would prefer to have had one child.

But...it probably depends on the child. One of my children is very easy. The other is very demanding. I would prefer one easy child over one demanding child. Maybe I would prefer two easy children over one demanding child.

I find demands on my time, twice the worry and the financial costs of two children very stressful. I would prefer to have given one child a very good life.

PumpkinP · 23/01/2020 22:54

But Jesus Christ the squabbling is a thing to behold. Everything. Who goes upstairs first. Who gets out of the bath first, in the car first. Who had the toy first, he snatched it/hit me/pushed me/I want that/It's MINE

This is mine actually! Everything is a competition. They can’t do anything without competing with each other then crying when the other one “wins” my sons been off school today and he’s spent the whole time winding up my 2 year old.

HuloBeraal · 23/01/2020 22:58

I had one for five years. It was pretty easy past the newborn stage. He learned to read early and has always been great at occupying himself. No 2 was harder work by himself and the two now play together finally but I had DS1 on my own for 3 days last month and it was a complete and utter doddle. He’s self sufficient, he likes doing his own stuff and needs lots of food and the occasional chat. He read, he drew, he played outside, he did music, invented some board game and was really entirely happy to have the head space to chill out and do whatever he wanted to. I kept offering myself up for company but he wasn’t remotely fussed. We did have a long chat about the election and it was so nice to chat without a three year old’s constant mostly inane interruption.
So having one is, in my honest opinion, MUCH easier.

AnnaMariaDreams · 23/01/2020 23:03

I have one and it’s very easy. He plays by himself a lot. I organise lots of play dates for him. Holidays are the hardest bit but we sometimes go with friends and DS is good at making friends in holiday too.
2/3/4 looks like much harder work to me!

PattiPrice · 23/01/2020 23:09

One of mine is like Hulo's self sufficient child. I'd barely know they were around and when they do chat, it is sensible or amusing. It is not talking for the sake of talking which is what DC2 does.

I wonder though if having DC2 made DC1 the way they are. I feel sad that I can't often give DC1 the time to answer questions fully, explore different answers, do more study together etc. DC1 and I have very similar personalities and understand each other. I think DC1 has a great deal of potential that isn't being utilised because of the time I have to spend catering to DC2's demanding personality. I feel guilty because I don't spend as much time talking to DC2 as I don't enjoy their company very much and I spend a great deal of time repeating myself instead of chatting. Is it the lack of attention that made DC2's personality the way it is? Is it possible that if I only had DC2 that I would make a lot more effort and encouragement to help them progress?

All I really know is that I feel like I am failing both of them.

Original poster
Rosehip345 · 23/01/2020 23:09

It is interesting though, and something that will forever be discussed no doubt.

Obviously within my friendship group of ten of us we are a very small snippet of opinions, which is why I’ve asked here.
Thinking about everyone’s reasons it is obviously mostly down to temperament, age gap and how each person parents and deals with different scenarios.

My kids are all within six years and get on pretty well most of the time. I have to be super organised in terms of logistics and clubs as there’s just me but we’re in a good routine which I guess I just find easy now as I’m used to it.
In terms of my friends, those with one have massive issues with sharing and playing independently (I understand this is a small group) those with two have it slightly easier, and then three and more we were all in agreement that apart from the obvious constant taxi service it wasn’t all that stressful. Mostly.

OP posts:
PickAChew · 23/01/2020 23:10

You are assuming that siblings can stand to be in the same room as each other.

PattiPrice · 23/01/2020 23:14

those with one have massive issues with sharing and playing

I find this quite odd tbh. It is surely down to parents and caregivers to teach sharing?

As for playing, I have two and the oldest would much rather play by themselves and the youngest is seemingly completely unable to play by themselves. It is the same in activities and school. One is very social, the other isn't.

Kokeshi123 · 23/01/2020 23:16

I planned an only child, then had another after a big age gap. I think it's generally a lot harder having more than one child.

There are certain specific things that get easier, though--you overthink things less and your parental "investment" is spread over two children so you tend to hyper focus less. You simply have to be more practical and that narrows down choices which can be a bit of a relief. Like, extracurriculars for my eldest: she was banging on about wanting to learn the harp a while back. If she were an only child, I'd probably feel torn between "letting her down" and feeling guilty about it, versus actually trying to facilitate it at vast expense. As it is, I'm like "No, sorry. There is a baby and I can't be dragging you off on the subway to attend harp lessons several miles away every week." Decision made.

Once your children are adults, I think it's probably easier to have more than one, especially as you grow older. An only child perhaps feels more pressure to achieve what their parents hope for (or what they think their parents hope for) like getting the "ideal" job, producing grandchildren and so on. And of course, the burden of dealing with elderly parents is spread over more people so there is less guilt about that.

When they are younger though, overall it is harder to have more than one.

At the macro level, though, the move towards smaller families will probably impact parenting in some negative ways.

puppymouse · 23/01/2020 23:19

I don't want multiple children in my house and my body barely tolerated pregnancy first time around so I ignore this argument.

DD is demanding of us and our attention but is getting better as she gets older.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 23/01/2020 23:20

Unless you had twins firstborns anyone with +1 dc have experienced having an only child as well as going on to having more.

HeddaGarbled · 23/01/2020 23:25

I think your friends may be pretending to have “massive issues” so as not to appear too smug 😉

Original poster
Rosehip345 · 23/01/2020 23:30

@HeddaGarbled unfortunately they can’t pretend as it’s very obvious every time the kids mix with each other! Be much easier if they were!

OP posts:
AlexaShutUp · 23/01/2020 23:31

I think your friends may be pretending to have “massive issues” so as not to appear too smug

Yes indeed. I don't think only children generally struggle to share or to play independently. In fact, when she was little, dd was always slightly better at sharing nicely with her peers - I wondered if this was partly because she didn't always have to fight for stuff at home, but who knows.

Atilathehunter · 23/01/2020 23:32

I only have one and I love it. Means I get to go out a lot and on girls weekends with my friends without my husband moaning the way I know he would if we had more than one child. But I definitely think they are needier, she always wants one of to play with her whereas when we are with her cousins, I wouldn’t see her the entire time.
Nothing has ever convinced me to have more than one.

theflushedzebra · 23/01/2020 23:34

I have four, and I feel it is much much easier than my friends that only have one.

God you have to be joking!

I have three, and my god, I know that having just one would have been an absolute picnic in comparison. Easy peasy. I don't regret having 3 because I always wanted at leat 3, and I think it's great to have siblings - but my god it's been hard work. I never had enough hands for all of them!

Mine were difficult babies and toddlers, but are proving to be relatively easy teens (from what I hear) so I guess I've had something easy Smile

BraveGoldie · 23/01/2020 23:35

I have one and assume that is a lot easier! Main reason why I stopped! 😄

Blacksackunderthetreesfreeze · 23/01/2020 23:36

No! As soon as you go from one child to more than one, you have the issue of fairness. Which will consume you utterly, including when your kids have grown up.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo · 23/01/2020 23:37

I had twins and several friends were having their first. I remember all the conversations about how they had to entertain their child from dawn to dusk, role play kids TV shows, endless arts and crafts, even after they started school. I was always sooo thankful that mine could amuse each other, even from quite young!

Of course it's lovely to spend quality time with your children, but it's also nice for them to be entertained by 'someone else' when you're busy, without always being stuck in front of the TV. I definitely had the easier option!

Since then, every holiday has been easy as they can swim together, make sandcastles, play ball, play tag, football etc etc -(and with DH of course, while I sunbathe...Grin) but seriously - yes, I do think parents of singletons work harder - or else they have to invite somebody else's child along...…Hmm

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo · 23/01/2020 23:38

Obviously that won't apply if you have lots of children, or they don't get on, or whatever...…. But two vs one - definitely easier...Grin

PumpkinP · 23/01/2020 23:39

Good point about the going out and stuff. Having 4 there is literally no one who I have who will babysit 4 for me, even my nephew has them occasionally but refuses to have all 4 as it’s “too hard” I wouldn’t struggle getting babysitters for one but no one will have all 4.

Pipandmum · 23/01/2020 23:41

I have two. But I've had up to four when my step kids lived with us.
There have been times due to school trips etc that I've had only one and I could not believe how much easier it was just to get one up and ready and out of the house.
My two are a girl and boy they played together when very young but not for years now. They are totally different.
When younger the competition for my attention was fierce.
My husband warned me that having a second child was quadruple the work of one and I tend to agree.