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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU re: lift giving: will she turn up on Friday or not?

999 replies

Whiskeychaser · 23/01/2020 12:51

Second thread.

Thanks for all the support.

Dreading them coming out od school because I can see my dd getting it in the ear from them, and I'm really feeling for her.

Link to first thread to follow in a minute (when I figure it out).

OP posts:
ShopoholicIn · 25/01/2020 04:01

@hillAreas - Nobody has the right to expect favours, and especially not from people they have treated like shit on their shoe.

Totally agree.. can't believe people r expecting that' Op should have given them a lift back after being treated like a doormat. Not even one sms in response to her kindness still she should have waited outside for C.f. n
drive them back home. Honestly like no self respect at all??

BluebellCockleshell123 · 25/01/2020 04:29

OP I think you did the right thing by leaving tonight.

CF didn’t contact you at all today and left you wondering if you were going to be taking her DD or both of them to the club tonight...or even if they were going at all. That is just weird considering you sent her a text offering a lift there and back for her DD.

Her tactic tonight to speak to the coach after the club tonight was deliberate. She didn’t tell you she was going to speak to the coach because she wanted you to be confused about what was going on and to make you wait for her. If she had really wanted a lift home she would have texted or spoken to you.

She wants to make you out to be the bad guy here because “you left her and DD to walk home”.

I expect her DD will give up the club now but I hope your DD won’t!

curiousierandcouriser · 25/01/2020 04:52

hill except that last week, CF did exactly the same and was given lift, so the expectation was there.

@OffToTheMoon I think the difference is that last time, the CF and CFDD came out with the OP's DD directly after the club finished. Hence no waiting and a clear expectation of the lift.

This time, only the OP's DD came out and told her that they were chatting to the teacher. So no clear expectation and no communication.

Personally, I would've assumed that they didn't want the lift and left too.

BruceAndNosh · 25/01/2020 05:38

I will let her know I'm no longer prepared to look after the dog too, as I don't want there to be any grey areas
You'll only get radio silence from the CF mum, and a manipulative reply from the Dog.

FairyBatman · 25/01/2020 05:40

I agree that by staying behind CF mum was either playing games, or is genuinely so stunningly entitled that she really doesn’t think she has behaved badly at all (she has!)

Leaving you sitting waiting for her last night should be the final straw.

You did exactly the right thing leaving, and I would rip the plaster off now and text one more time to something like

“I am sorry it’s come to this, but you’ve repeatedly shown that you don’t value my time or our friendship. Leaving us sitting outside the girls’ club last night after everything that has gone on was rude and it was the last straw, so to be clear no more lifts, dog sitting or parcels. I wish you well. “

UncleHerbie · 25/01/2020 06:06

OP you are AWESOME

HettySunshine · 25/01/2020 06:24

What a shame that the CF has let two friendships with lovely people go for a Burton for the sake of a 15 minute evening stroll. Imagine being such a person. I hope she's pleased with herself.

helberg · 25/01/2020 06:38

Her tactic tonight to speak to the coach after the club tonight was deliberate. She didn’t tell you she was going to speak to the coach because she wanted you to be confused about what was going on and to make you wait for her. If she had really wanted a lift home she would have texted or spoken to you.

Exactly. If I'm getting a lift with someone I always check if it's ok. I am going to a group which meets weekly at the moment and one woman gives me and 2 others a lift every week. We all drive or walk to her house though otherwise she'd be going out of her way. We always confirm the arrangements every week with "Same time same place" sort of conversations when we take our leave.
We've also offered to drive but she prefers to drive so we're not being cheeky fuckers and if she wasn't able to go we'd be able to make alternative arrangements.
People shouldn't sign up to things if the only way they can get there is by getting a lift because anything could happen to the lift-giver and you'd be stuck then.

LadyBrienne · 25/01/2020 06:39

@OffToTheMoon really depends upon the issue around staying back to talk to the leader - if you have a ride waiting for you then it would be courtesy to 1. let the know you are either staying back (so don't wait) or 2. will be a couple of minutes (so please are you able wait and sorry to delay you) or 3. Realize folks are doing you a favor so ring the teacher at a different time so as to not hold folks up

PlumsGalore · 25/01/2020 06:44

Poor you, you behaved amazingly. I suspect the CF stayed to talk to th coach for three reasons A) to make you wait B) to bad mouth you to the coach and C) to try and suss out whether there were any other suckers out there who lived close enough to be her free taxi

More fool her. Grey rock now as they say on MN.

mmgirish · 25/01/2020 06:52

Well done you. I've been following your threads. These types of situations can be awkward. You've been a good role model to your daughter.

MzHz · 25/01/2020 07:08

The hanging back to speak to the coach was probably to weave some kind of bullshit tale about how they’re having to stop the activity because they’re being let down with transport.

Although the positive may be that she finds another mug to do the chauffeuring

There could be some flak coming, but the truth is easy to tell.

I’ve never seen such entitled CFs!

billybagpuss · 25/01/2020 07:31

Is this the only city in the UK without a public transport system?

This did make me laugh, I take it you’ve never tried to get public transport out to even a semi rural area after 7.30 at night. Around here buses go every 15 minutes until early evening then it’s reduced to hourly with the last one at 10.30 and we are just on the outskirts of the city. Anything slightly further out you’re stuck until 6.30 tomorrow morning.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 25/01/2020 07:37

This is actually quite a sad saga, all caused by CF mum trying to manipulate Whiskey, who quite rightly refused to be her puppet.

Whiskey - FWIW I think you've handled this very well indeed. You did your best to enable the girls' friendship to continue, even though you realised that you and CF would never again have the same "friendly" relationship. CF chose to respond by upping her game and becoming more and more belligerent.

The moment she involved the girls, and the bullying started would have been he "gloves off" point for me - but you still managed to keep your cool, you still offered transport as long as they got to your home by 6 and made it clear that you would give a lift back, if they preferred to go by taxi.

CF didn't even have the courtesy to reply. She thought she had you on the back foot, I think, when you didn't go inside for a coffee. You were upset and she knew it, and thought that she could regain control by making you wait for her. I think her chat with the organiser was purely cosmetic - just to keep you in your place. She didn't for a moment think that you would drive off and leave them. But you did - good for you! Had she had you waiting outside for even 5 minutes, without her even having the good manners to apologise by text for holding you up, or asking via her DD if you would mind waiting for a few minutes, then she would have regained the upper hand (her previous actions the week before, when she and CFDD just got into your car without a word and sat almost in silence during the journey says that she was "punishing" you, and letting you know you couldn't get away with it.

You did the right thing not to wait when she hadn't asked you to. For all you know, she could have been half an hour. For all she knew, you needed to get home for a particular reason and couldn't hang about.

You have now shown that you will not be manipulated and bullied. She won't like that at all. I suspect that she is one of those people who would die (or kill) rather than apologise and "lose face", so if she can't get another chauffeur it's likely that CFDD will stop going to the group. Which is a shame, but that is her choice.

Be alert, though for

a) bullying of your DD at school - particularly attempts to isolate her

b) CF badmouthing you to all and sundry with her distorted version of what has happened

As I say - it is sad, more than anything. You and your DD regarded CF and CFDD as friends; you all got along and had a "working" relationship (so to speak), and pure because of the selfish determination of CF to have her own way, the whole lot is destroyed.

I agree that you should make it clear that you will not be looking after CFDog - and do it soon, so that she can't claim that you let her down at the last moment.

But can I say, I think that, despite what other posters feel, you stepped back from the drama on here very neatly indeed. You didn't allow yourself to be rushed into angry or hurt responses, as far as I could see, and considered what was best and kindest for the two girls as much as you could. But sometimes, you just have to take a stand and say "This is enough. It goes no further".

A sorry state of affairs, but not of your making.

KatherineJaneway · 25/01/2020 07:47

You did the right thing by leaving OP. I suspect the 'we're having to walk' is a load of rubbish and just another attempt at trying to emotionally blackmail you.

DoolinEnnis · 25/01/2020 07:48

@Whiskeychaser Hope you and dd are feeling better today away from drama. Have a lovely weekend.

OhTheTastyNuts · 25/01/2020 07:59

I agree with @Offtothemoon. You messaged the woman this week to offer her a lift (more than once? I've lost track) and then drove off without her.

She has been rude this past week. You were rude tonight.
The friendship has definitely run it's course!

champagneandfromage50 · 25/01/2020 08:02

I don't think this is the end.... I think CF will wait a few days and remember the dog sitting arrangement and text OP to confirm she is still doing jr....

iano · 25/01/2020 08:02

I hope you're ok today Op!? You did nothing wrong and were clear in your texts. Nobody would wait for them in this position. They probably got a cab home and that text is utterly made up.
I wonder if half of this drama is coming from the woman's DD?
The DD might be doing all this texting of her own back without CF's knowledge...
I hope you won't hear anything further from them.
I can totally see why you want to text about the dog. I'm not sure you need to but you know her better. Maybe keep it short and sweet 'i will not be in a position to mind your dog in March. Your lack of communication yesterday makes it impossible. I'm sure you will find someone else to look after Q'
Wishing you all the best Op! You're a very generous lady and have continued to try and help her throughout this saga. Thanks

Minky35 · 25/01/2020 08:07

leaving her there after you had offered (only that afternoon) to take her home does not cover you in glory.

No, There was no arrangement as CF didn’t Bother to reply! what is OP supposed to do - hang around meekly to ask if she should give a lift to someone who has treated her like shit then ignored her? I don’t think so!
Bloody hell if people think that’s the right thing to do they’re practically giving a licence to all CF’s to carry on taking the piss.

Onescaredmuma · 25/01/2020 08:07

OP you were absolutely not wrong to leave her don't let the odd comment that you were wrong play on your mind or make you doubt yourself for a second. If I offer to make a cake for someone and they don't respond I don't make the cake simple. I offer to take someone out shopping and they don't respond I go without them I don't wait in all day in case they show up. If I arrange a meet up and no one responds I wouldn't just show up at a the place alone and wait all day for people to show up I assume they can't come. Waiting when she hasn't said she needs a lift is above and beyond and to be honest if you had waited I think she would have tried to embarrass you in front of your dd and said something like what are you waiting for we booked a taxi. She's clearly the type to put point scoring first anyway.

supercee · 25/01/2020 08:07

I don't think the OP was rude at all this week. It's baffling others think she was!

Did the OP explicitly state though that a lift back was definitely on the cards? I thought she just said the arrangements were the same for this week i.e. that if the CF's daughter can get to the house then the offer of a lift there would stand?

Last week the CF just assumed a lift back was on offer. If she was expecting a lift back again (again, total cheek considering the text exchanges during the week) she should have checked in with the OP that she would (gratefully) be accepting a lift back and popped her head out to say 'I'll just be two mins, I'm speaking to coach, won't keep you long'.

That sort of brass neck-ness cancels out any favours. I wouldn't dare expect a lift to be waiting there for me if I had acted like CF!

Equanimitas · 25/01/2020 08:18

You messaged the woman this week to offer her a lift (more than once? I've lost track) and then drove off without her.

The key word there is "offer". If I offer someone a lift in circumstances like these, I would expect them to let me know if they want to accept it. If I were offered a lift but expected to be slightly late, I would ask them if they minded waiting. I would want to be particularly clear if that person had also offered my daughter a lift and I hadn't bothered to let her know that she wouldn't be taking it.

In all the circumstances, there was nothing in the least rude about assuming this woman didn't want a lift.

AdachiOljulo · 25/01/2020 08:19

all very well handled except I don't agree with you telling dd not to reply to other girl's text. she should reply something like:

neither you nor your mum asked for a lift back. (confused emoji)

Crazyoldmaurice · 25/01/2020 08:20

Also @Whiskeychaser, although I 100% expect CF cried to the coach after and got a lift back with them I'd be tempted to call round the 3/4 closest taxi services posing as CF who had lost something on the journey back just to see if she got a cab back instead Hmm