AIBU to want to stop paying for adult children and their partners?

[Picklepepper30]

I have two stepdaughters (both mid 20s) and two children of my own (both teenagers). When we go out for meals, my husband and I pay for all of the children and the stepdaughters’ boyfriends. Last year we paid for the eldest daughter and boyfriend to come on holiday with us and paid for all their meals. The younger stepdaughter didn’t want to come but has a boyfriend now and has said to my husband that she and her boyfriend want to come on holiday with us as they are saving for a house and wouldn’t be able to afford a holiday by themselves.... her boyfriend doesn’t work and makes joking comments that he is ‘too busy on his xbox to get a job’. Not sure how they will be able to get a house. They’ve been together 6 months and he hasn’t worked for 2 years...he’s 23. Obviously, he never offers money toward the bill if we go out. The eldest daughter’s boyfriend does sometimes offer but my husband never takes it. Now my daughter always asks to bring her boyfriend for meals and of course, we pay for him. So this is 6 extra people we are paying for. I’m thinking my youngest child will have a partner soon so that will be 8 extra people. My husband got a very well paid job last year and it has been nice to treat the family but we need to save money for a bigger house. We can’t really afford to take everybody on holiday this year. But how do we pull back?? I feel we have set a precedence that we will always pay for meals and that paid holidays for everyone is on the table. Surely if we ask them out for meals, how can we then expect them to pay?? Granted, we could just not go out for meals but our house is tiny and we don’t have the capacity to have everyone round comfortably. I’ve been worrying about this for weeks as like I said, we really need to rein in our spending to save for a new house but I just don’t know how to word it to them. How can we now change something that we started?? Would really welcome practical advice as to what to say to everyone.

Ridiculous!
Adult children with jobs should be paying their own way or at least offering to contribute some costs.
Why can't adult children pay for their own holidays?
How are you as parents teaching them life lessons, such as being financially responsible for themselves and managing their finances well?
Delusional and lazy CF boyfriend needs to be dumped.
You do not need to make up excuses and/or explain to anybody (except your DH) re. how you wish to spend your hard earned money.
I'd pay up until adult children have left Uni and secured a job. If they are unable to find a FT job, I expect them to work overtime if possible or get another PT role in order to fund the lifestyle that they would like to have. My eldest is 23, left uni Summer before last and has always had a job since they were in 6th Form. They started to contribute 30% of their income to household costs 3 months ago (which we are saving for them). They also sometimes contribute or treat us (we're a household family of 5) when we eat out. I've worked since the age of 14.

YANBU to not want to pay - it's your money
YABU to make a bid deal out of a non issue

Just tell them. Explain that as they're now working and settled financially, you think it's time that they started to contrubute. As the younger children are becoming young adults, you want to be able or offer them the same things the older 2 have had and you can't afford this for everyone so it's their turn now.

It's difficult to understand what the issue is.

FWIW, my parents paid for all 4 of us and our partners always if they invited us out for a meal. This only stopped when they no longer worked and we insisted we pay our share. As pensioners we now look after them. We never let my mum pay for anything and I send her money every month by direct debit. We chip in and pay for her holidays and Christmas etc. If she was financially able, I'm sure she'd refuse.

Just be honest with them. I think the bigger issue is going to be convincing their dad.

When you next mention the holiday say the children will have to contribute to theyr own flights and food bills will be split. See what they say. If you invite them to meals then say the bills will also be split. If they pretend that they’ve forgotten their card or have no cash when it’s time to pay , just shrug and say you only bough x amount which is enough for the teens and your hubby.

think id say pay for first holiday only when reach age eldest was last year from then on if want to come up to them to contribute, that way all the others understand.

Just open your mouth and say no. Say no to the holiday. You dont have to be nasty about it. They are adults .

How lovely that your op has such a good job. How nice that you have a roof over your head - however small, in 5 yrs time your family will presumably have left home and so your ‘need’ for a larger house will be gone?
How wonderful that you have such a large and loving family who obviously want to spend a lot of time with you because you are such genuinely lovely parents. You are so very lucky! Now let’s hope nothing nasty like greed, avarice or any other unpleasantness comes along to spoil things for you. Eh?

Hmm. When I first lived with DH pre marriage, we earnt very little and ate at family meals around every 2-3 months. We always took money to pay bill but often granny (Rip now) or FIL paid. If we had paid our way, we would not have struggled to meet bills but would have done if we had too.
Sometimes we paid our share but then FIL would slip the money back to DH afterwards. I never took it for granted, have always remembered it and do the same if and and when I can. It is a sure way to learn integrity. We have to show younger generations sometimes. They are young and expectations of this generation are different. Hopefully they will remember this kindness. We treat FIL often now as we are in a position to. It is not often meals out but invititations to ours as we love him and want to spend time with him and he treated us well when we were earning little.
Hopefully your family will remember you well and you will be rewarded in love and company as you grow older
What goes around comes around. Karma.

Why invite them? Just go out with your husband / partner. Wait and see if they invite you. If they say anything just say you are saving and afford to keep subbing everyone. If the younger ones are at college / school that's fair enough. But not adults.

you could do this on a sliding scale depending on income maybe).

Oh right. And reward the cocklodger to get even more entrenched in his sense of entitlement.

Don't think so!

Have a serious conversation with her, does she want children? Is she willing to take on the role of supporting the whole family? (I doubt he'll become dad of the year).

I'd just go on holiday with DH on your own and tell the kids to sort themselves out. That's what most people do with adult children isn't it?

Contributions will just lead to bad feeling/ stress/ people dropping out because they only wanted to go because it was free and it isn't where they'd have chosen etc.

I suspect you will then say though that you like them to come along, but I think if you are organising, deciding the destination etc and expecting them to pay for themselves it is having the cake and eating for your side. The solution is to make the family holidays less frequent than every year I think.

I also would refuse to holiday with Cocklodger.

In terms of meals out, I'd cook more at home and invite them round much cheaper for everyone. Regular meals out that they have to contribute to when they may prefer to save etc is also unfair pressure.

I think the biggest problem here is your SD being in a relationship with a lazy arse. She's been through university and is now working hard as a teacher while he sits at home on his x box! I'd be very worried about her future.
I agree with many posters suggesting you go on holiday with your friends, inform the family that you are saving from now on so you are cutting the meals out.

You could start by asking them to pick up the drinks tab.... between them ... you really don’t have to justify wanting a bigger home .. ..good luck ..pick them off one at a time and talk about your plans for the future so they understand it’s not a bottomless forever pit of cash

I had this with my 25 year old dd and her ex boyfriend. It’s just piss taking.

Book the holiday with you and the young kids that it. The older ones are more than capable of sorting their own holidays out

Unless it's for a special special occasion, I think you need to say that either you take turns, or people contribute, or you go Dutch with each couple paying roughly for what they had. If it's a meal at your house, they bring puds and starters maybe?

I remember the first time I bought my parents a meal as an adult; it's a weird feeling as you're suddenly conscious that you're taking care of them so it may be they haven't realized they're adults in your eyes.

It's unusual for 20 somethings to spend so much time with parents and I suspect that if the pursestrings dry up then so will the visits and shared holidays. I don't think the DCs are being deliberately greedy ( apart from useless bf) but have simply got into a groove of how things are.

I think going to your friends villa this summer is a great idea, as I've said upstream if your DH is still keen to have a shared holiday then doing that in the UK is going to be a lot cheaper.

just change it gradually cutting down and then stoppibg

1. we are only picking up the tab once a month at restaurants, the rest of the time if you join us the adults need to pay for themselves ( this covers both eldest children and their boyfriends if asked to define adult say the New year after graduation ie if you graduate this summer June 2020 you start paying January 2021) so your younger children will be treated the same ( exceptions made once a year for each older child's birthday, prior warning you need to pay all the time past 25 unless a special treat or say we'll cover food but maybe you could get everyone drinks and then coffees after

2 holidays :- we are paying for the villa but you will need to pay for your own flights and meals, one or two nights you pay for everyone as a treat 3 we are saving more now to cover youngest college costs and to move house so the number of treats are down

Insanely's advice above is good - hire a big villa and say they need to cover their flight and meals out costs when on holiday.

Why did you start paying for meals out and holidays for adult children in the first place?

YANBU to want to stop it.

Just don't invite them.

I have paid for all the family to eat out on 3 occasions - for each of their 18th birthdays. Other than that I pay for, and cook, Christmas dinner for them all.

I wouldn't pay for them all to eat out a few times a week, and they wouldn't expect me to.

Stop the invitations unless it's for a birthday etc.
We've started this now. Our children 3 over 21 earn good money.
Go out on your own have them over for dinner.
Something has to stop so you can save for your future

My Dad and I take turns to pay/host or I treat him and his partner.

Next time simply say, " looking forward to our next meal together, just need to be straight and let you know that we have reviewed our finances and going forward we need you each to split the bill with us. I hope you understand x"

I'm surprised this post is about paying for dinners and not about helping your stepdaughter realise she deserves better than her feckless unemployed reloading boyfriend.