AIBU to want to stop paying for adult children and their partners?

[Picklepepper30]

I have two stepdaughters (both mid 20s) and two children of my own (both teenagers). When we go out for meals, my husband and I pay for all of the children and the stepdaughters’ boyfriends. Last year we paid for the eldest daughter and boyfriend to come on holiday with us and paid for all their meals. The younger stepdaughter didn’t want to come but has a boyfriend now and has said to my husband that she and her boyfriend want to come on holiday with us as they are saving for a house and wouldn’t be able to afford a holiday by themselves.... her boyfriend doesn’t work and makes joking comments that he is ‘too busy on his xbox to get a job’. Not sure how they will be able to get a house. They’ve been together 6 months and he hasn’t worked for 2 years...he’s 23. Obviously, he never offers money toward the bill if we go out. The eldest daughter’s boyfriend does sometimes offer but my husband never takes it. Now my daughter always asks to bring her boyfriend for meals and of course, we pay for him. So this is 6 extra people we are paying for. I’m thinking my youngest child will have a partner soon so that will be 8 extra people. My husband got a very well paid job last year and it has been nice to treat the family but we need to save money for a bigger house. We can’t really afford to take everybody on holiday this year. But how do we pull back?? I feel we have set a precedence that we will always pay for meals and that paid holidays for everyone is on the table. Surely if we ask them out for meals, how can we then expect them to pay?? Granted, we could just not go out for meals but our house is tiny and we don’t have the capacity to have everyone round comfortably. I’ve been worrying about this for weeks as like I said, we really need to rein in our spending to save for a new house but I just don’t know how to word it to them. How can we now change something that we started?? Would really welcome practical advice as to what to say to everyone.

Holidays - no, you shouldn’t be paying for those in their 20s.
Meals out - twice a week eating out is a lot. So, no, you shouldn’t be forking out for that either. If it was a couple of times a year, that might be fair enough.

I suspect they won't want to come with you though without it being free, or without a significant donation from you, and that's an issue for their Father who might enjoy and prefer to take the hit to yo ur savings for the memories and fun of the holidays with all of your Family together

Their dad shouldn’t need to buy his daughters’ company, surely?

I think it’s about time that they started treating you and your husband occasionally! If I go out for dinner with my parents now, I wouldn’t dream of letting them pay.

I don’t think you need to make a big song and dance over this OP, just state that we are drawing a line on the big family meals out now...unless its a special occasion of our choosing.
I know you say your DH has a good job, but I’m going to put the shitters up you and ask whether you both have decent pension and savings? But actually at this stage of life you both need to be putting some away for yourselves into pension / ISAs not splashing out willy nilly on overgrown kids!

Paying for holidays at this age is crazy too....say you’re drawing a line under it and book something nice for the two of you!

If the cocklodgers parents are worried about him "missing out " and are prepared to subsidise his idleness so he isn't a burden on society

though IMO he is since he is using up oxygen I don't think you need to worry. If he needs a holiday I'm sure they will provide him with one.

I would cut the eating out down to a once a month at pizza express [ no starters, no alcohol unless you pay for it yourself ] There are usually pizza express vouchers on line. I would also start accepting offers of payment from the nice boyfriend, it is a good lesson for your younger children to see that it doesn't always have to be parents paying out.

@AryaStarkWolf... he said we weren’t sure what was happening yet in terms of holidays which is the truth. We’ve gone to the same place for the last 5 years but thinking of going somewhere else. Friends have invited us to their villa in Portugal so it might be an easy way to stave off holiday requests this year at least!

Twice a week?! I was going to say my parents always pay if we go for a meal out but that's like a once a year thing! We also have an extended family holiday about every two years where they pay to rent a big self catering property in the UK for everyone - but we all pay our own transport costs and all the food bill (and share the cooking between the 'kids'). My parents are mortgage free on good pensions so comparatively well off.
Just tell them you are tightening the belts to save for a bigger property, so they need to pay their way. As a bonus if you stop subsidising the cock-lodger's lifestyle - maybe DD will wise up and dump him. Eating out twice a week as a big group must be costing you a bomb!

@Bakedbrie... pensions not great- working on it though. We are trying to save more this year...for a house and hoping to put money aside. When I say it like that, it seems even more crazy to be paying out for everyone all the time.

Christ, OP! Bin off the gala dinners and start heaving all the cash into pensions!

Just stop doing it. Don’t make an announcement, just don’t do it. If anyone asks...say “Yeah, New Years thing....we are drawing a line on that” maybe this will encourage the habitual X Boxer to get of his sofa and get paid work!

My dd future il's often pay for a holiday home but the dc have to pay their own flights and contribute to meals.
On Christmas eve we all went for a meal and split the bill so dc paid an equal share.

Do something before they start having kids and you’re paying for an extra 16 people twice a week!

Go with your friends and cut the habit.

I think if you have teenagers in education / at uni....fair enough, expect to pay because they are semi dependant. But as for the 20 somethings, no way. In our family, we have a rule of no Xmas pressies after 18 YO, because tbh there are little ones that come into the family that need toys etc and take priority. Maybe you can state some kind of blanket rule that will also apply to your teens too in time so that it doesn’t come across as personal or favouritism towards your own DC’s.

My parents will often make it clear they are paying x amount per person for whatever it is, so if it’s a holiday we get it cheaper and then pay for day trips ourselves if we want, food and drinks usually get our own.

I'd offer to pay for the room on holidays and they pay for their flights/meals. My very rich friend's parents used to do this with their kids and their partners and it weeded out the golddiggers/cocklodgers.

Scale back the holiday to make it affordable for you - eg large holiday cottage in UK, give each couple a day that they are "doing dinner" where they source and cook the meal? They all drve themselves there whilst you and teens go together etc.?

Do something before they start having kids and you’re paying for an extra 16 people twice a week!

This! I know that it is nice to be generous, but come on!

There was a poster on the ‘who has the tiniest pension pot’ thread earlier this month complaining that after paying her son’s school fees she didn’t have enough to put into a pension. Priorities! Your kids won’t welcome having to subsidise you if you are skint in retirement and they may forget about the generosity you are currently showing them.

Their dad shouldn’t need to buy his daughters’ company, surely?

No, but if the DC can't afford to eat out then they will say no and so their father will see them less often. I pay my own way so that means I sometimes have to say no to doing out for dinner with family. I'd love to be able to pay for my parents occasionally too, but buying a house is a much bigger priority. Not everyone can afford to eat out on a regular basis!

This is a conversation I've had with my mum recently.. only I'm the daughter.

I'm in a lot of trouble with money at the moment, as I work freelance and have just lost a massive contract with no warning. So when we go out as a family, I can't afford to pay my way. I have said to them that I won't be able to go out for a couple of months until I've sorted myself out, and she offered to pay .. yet the comments she makes while we're out makes me thinks perhaps she resents it.

I would never expect it, but I thought she would rather me be there than not (and they always choose expensive places as well .. if they picked a pub where everyone could pay for and order their own food separately, I would most likely be fine).

I'm surprised that they expect it. My family is similar, the 'adults' still always pay and I'm the oldest child at 31! It's the same with my in laws. We always offer to pay and occasionally we are allowed to split the bill but I'm shocked they just expect to be paid for! When we go on holiday I we pay for our own flights, adults do accommodation and then we all take it in turns to cook or pay for meals and I always buy 6 or 12 bottles of wine from the supermarket for the house.

maddening why should the OP have to scale back and lower her expectations? The problem is that other people are not stumping up and the OP is fed up of the freeloading.

Just a suggestion viques obvs, I don't think the OP Has to do anything, they have posed a question in respect of a problem/issue and then people reply with their thoughts, opinions and suggestions, the op is not obliged to take any of it on board as it. Is. Just. A. Suggestion.

Much as I love my lot & partners I wouldn’t be eating out twice a week with them!
You must be wasting a huge amount of money, tell your DH that the money is to be saved and you and him eat out yourselves. I don’t know anyone who eats out twice per week, once a month as a couple especially if you’re planning a house move. No way would I be funding holidays for 4 adults, his DDs sound like a pair of grassy users.