AIBU to want to stop paying for adult children and their partners?

[Picklepepper30]

I have two stepdaughters (both mid 20s) and two children of my own (both teenagers). When we go out for meals, my husband and I pay for all of the children and the stepdaughters’ boyfriends. Last year we paid for the eldest daughter and boyfriend to come on holiday with us and paid for all their meals. The younger stepdaughter didn’t want to come but has a boyfriend now and has said to my husband that she and her boyfriend want to come on holiday with us as they are saving for a house and wouldn’t be able to afford a holiday by themselves.... her boyfriend doesn’t work and makes joking comments that he is ‘too busy on his xbox to get a job’. Not sure how they will be able to get a house. They’ve been together 6 months and he hasn’t worked for 2 years...he’s 23. Obviously, he never offers money toward the bill if we go out. The eldest daughter’s boyfriend does sometimes offer but my husband never takes it. Now my daughter always asks to bring her boyfriend for meals and of course, we pay for him. So this is 6 extra people we are paying for. I’m thinking my youngest child will have a partner soon so that will be 8 extra people. My husband got a very well paid job last year and it has been nice to treat the family but we need to save money for a bigger house. We can’t really afford to take everybody on holiday this year. But how do we pull back?? I feel we have set a precedence that we will always pay for meals and that paid holidays for everyone is on the table. Surely if we ask them out for meals, how can we then expect them to pay?? Granted, we could just not go out for meals but our house is tiny and we don’t have the capacity to have everyone round comfortably. I’ve been worrying about this for weeks as like I said, we really need to rein in our spending to save for a new house but I just don’t know how to word it to them. How can we now change something that we started?? Would really welcome practical advice as to what to say to everyone.

Surely if we ask them out for meals, how can we then expect them to pay?? Of course you expect them to pay for themselves. If we get invited out for a meal at a restaurant we don’t assume we are being paid for. We would always expect to pay for ourselves.

This is bats OP.

Financial circumstances and needs change. Just because you used to do it doesn't mean you are always obliged to.

It's how you go about communicating. The group has grown hugely so the budget has gone up.

One family meal once a month is loads for you to pay for but even then it should never be taken for granted when you have other financial pressures such as a plan to move house or inadequate pensions.

We take turns in our family to host a meal each month - usually brunch or lunch and it works well for us. Anywhere between 10-14 in attendance. I wouldn't fancy paying a restaurant bill for the equivalent.

For the holiday, you've got the perfect out there with the offer of the villa. Don't over complicate it.

And your DD with the lazy freeloader boyfriend, hopefully she will see that for what it is. Who pays his rent? It's all well still living a student life in your early 20s. Not so attractive in a few years time when others start to move on with their own homes and families.

Rather than go out for dinner, could you invite them over for a games night or something? You can always find board games or murder mystery games in charity shops or boot sales. Get a couple of takeaway pizzas/chips & dips or something where people don't need to sit down around a dining table. And ask them to bring the wine!

As an aside, obviously the boyfriend would "rather not work than work in a factory" if his parents are giving him £100/week, while he pays no rent and has free dinners and free holidays on the horizon! Ugh, what a lazy bones! Whatever does your DSD see in him? I'd have a serious chat with her about where she sees herself in 5 years time and how she/they will achieve it. Does she honestly think her boyfriend is likely to have a job in 5 years' time if he has spent the last 2 years being idle? Does he expect to walk into a wellpaid job with no experience or qualifications? Is he applying for anything or does he expect to be headhunted by xbox as a games tester?!

They are absolutely taking the piss. It's time to say enough is enough. If they want to have holidays and meals out then they need to pay for them like everyone else!

@Bluntness100

My kids are his kids too and they are both in full time education. I did make the point that my daughter now also expects her boyfriend to be paid for when we go out. He works full time. My issue is the escalation of teenagers to adult children and us still paying. Granted, I probably talk more about the stepdaughters (both of whom I adore) because they are both working. One is a teacher recently qualified and lives with her mum and the other is a teacher who has just been promoted to head of department. Financially, they are okay. I feel it’s time to pull back. The difficulty is that my younger children have seen the older ones being paid for and probably will expect the same.
It’s really not about ‘his’ kids versus ’my’ kids.

They are working professionals of course they are taking the piss. They are on more than minimum wage. Ones head of year. The.fact they are teachers you think they would know better, especially then expecting partners to be paid for its Cheeky fuckery at its finest.

I have read the thread, there is 18 years between my eldest DB and me, then 12 with DS and 9 between DB and me... I don't expect to be treated in the same way, we are all different. I am the youngest so probably the most spoilt, but I would never see it that way Stop paying and stop it now.

If you want to have group meals, get everyone to bring a dish over for the meal... it could be quite fun... X you bring the salads, Y you bring the deserts, Z you do the cheese we will do Chilli, now surprise us.

And stop paying for their hols, people don't expire without a holiday... tell them about staycations!

The difficulty is that my younger children have seen the older ones being paid for and probably will expect the same.

Family finances change. So while you could, last year, reasonably afford to pay for everyone you cannot any longer. It is a bit crap, but there's nothing you can feasibly do about that.

especially then expecting partners to be paid for

That's a bit harsh considering the elder DD's partner has had his offers to pay rejected.

I don't see why you have to entertain the boyfriends! And certainly not the lazy lump who's busy on his Xbox.
When I was in my 20s I was treating my parents occasionally to dinner or a weekend away. When will it be your turn? Friends tell me that their children have taken them out to nice restaurants with their first proper pay cheque as a thank you for all the years of university support etc.

We are on the other end of this with DH's family. Are you the one always instigating restaurants and holidays? As the adult kids are getting older it is obvious DH's parents are tired of paying for everyone, but equally we find visiting awkward because they 1) rarely want to eat in, 2) are a bit territorial with the kitchen and don't like us cooking, and 3) and they have expensive taste and we cannot afford to pay at the places they preemptively book us all in to eat (we're talking easily 300 quid for a family lunch for 4 adults and 3 young kids). We always jump at the chance to foot the bill when we eat at a pub or something as it's less of a slam to our budget, but it means we actively avoid visiting them for more than a day or two and we also decline holiday invites as we can't afford the hotels they want to stay at. Bit of a rock and a hard place for us as they want to spend time together but don't really visit us much (where we can cook and treat them to meals on our budget) and we can't 'pay our share' at the lifestyle level they maintain.

I think with holidays, you could always say, "So glad you want to join us! I booked X fights and we are staying at X hotel. Let us know if you do book, would be lovely to have you along!"

@Linguaphile Have you actually said that to them, told them you can't afford the places they go to and don't want to be paid for either

Arya yes, we've said to them we feel bad that we can't afford to help when they book the expensive restaurants. And we always try to pay if they book somewhere more reasonable. But it's still hard when we're visiting (long way to get there) as we're more or less at their mercy because offers for us to cook have been rejected and they book lunches and dinners out rather than cooking themselves.

I don’t get this ‘if you invite them, you pay’.

We go out as a family often and everyone pays their own bill. Sometimes we split it, sometimes we pay for what we’ve had.

Sometimes MIL is will say she’s paying for the grandkids but adults have to pay for their own.

Next time, phrase it as, we’re going to x for dinner if you want to come. But you’ll have to pay yourself. Easily sorted.

Honestly, I think you need to woman up and for each event you just need to be 100% clear on who your happy to pay for and who you are not.

They cannot reasonably expect you to cover them plus one all the time so own this!

For example:

hi guys whose up for a pizza express and a cinema trip next weekend? We won't be treating, so everyone will need to pay for themselves but we think it would be fun.

Hi guys, as you know we're reining our belt in holiday-wise this year but if you are up for a family holiday we can split the cost of the villa equally and obvs each pay for our own flights.

Hi family, dad has kindly offered to take us out for dinner next week. We are happy to treat all the immediate family members but if your bringing your partner they'll need to pay for them self as the bill gets too high.

@Linguaphile we get that too. In-laws do not like driving so always want us to visit them, but never cook and don't want us to cook, so we go out and DH feels he should pay, although his parents would pay (not helped by fact that DH and parents are heavy drinkers, so wine bill mounts up). I think it is so much more relaxing to eat at home rather than in a restaurant, particularly when the children were younger. It has meant that over the years we have not visited them as much as we might have done, which is sad.

In the short term stop inviting them out to eat and on holiday. Host at your home.

If they invite you out, let them know that you assume the bill will be shared.

Not ideal that you’ve treated the eldest and her BF and have only now decided this isn’t affordable / good for you as a couple, with respect to fairness to all the DC, but perhaps there will be future opportunities to treat the younger DC or help them in financial or other ways.

Man/woman up!

It’s serious cheeky fuckery for these adults to have had not only free flights and accommodation but all meals too!

Don’t be a mug.

are you going to continue paying for them and their various partners (as they change over time) forever?

i think it's madness that you're doing it currently.
Odd occasions/celebrations etc ok but it's turned into a regular thing that's breeding entitlement.
ADULTS all pay their own share - and bf/gf of the younger two don't need to be invited to every meal, especially if it's meant to be a 'family' catch up.

If the other adults grumble about it then 'i'd suggest taking turns in hosting a 'family' meal at each others houses....

I'm always amazed by the number of young people who expect parents to keep on paying for a lot of stuff through 20s and even into 30s. It's madness?! I always assumed that of course once you've finished studying and are earning money, you pay your way. I remember feeling quite proud when age 23 i insisted on treating my mum to a posh afternoon tea.... It was like i had made it to adulthood, a real rite of passage. I felt quite unimpressed that friends did not seem to take any pride in supporting themselves financially.

OP agree an age beyond which every one stops being paid for. If you are worried about a shock transition maybe do it in phases - maybe 1 holiday they need to just buy their own flight, the next year they need to contribute to the accommodation too.

I'm a bit horrified that people in their 20s are expecting parents to pay for everything.

Yanbu but it goes the other way too.

My DF is a 'payer' and DH when we were younger hated it - he wasn't a child and expected to pay his way. It culminated in a family row after which my dad backed off and very grudgingly allowed us to pay occasionally. Only because he didn't want to piss DH off though 🤔. All a bit paternalistic.

They've all chilled out since thankfully. There's also my uncle to deal with who likes to agree upfront who is paying before agreeing to any social engagement 😂😂

And the battle to pay for the tip has to be seen to be believed.

When I suggest this he says he’d rather be unemployed than work in a factory.

Tbh if he was my daughters boyfriend I'd have bigger worries than buying him the odd steak.

Why should you scale it back or go somewhere cheaper or look for deals, just tell them. There is no way i would pay for rude lout who is too lazy to work

YANBU. End this now. And tell the DD's DP to get a bloody job!

I think you need to be really careful not to create a rift with SDD2 by seeming to victimise her usefless BF. He's her choice of BF. You didn't ask her sister or her BF for a financial contribution.

You can do other things to help encourage her in other directions but seeming to push her out of your established family get-togethers by scapegoating her BF will damage your relationship with her.

Contentious in our household too... DP retired but his mid 30s DC (despite earning more than 4x what DP used to earn!) don’t ever pay for anything - not even a round of drinks! Or ever bring eg a bottle of wine when they come to stay for several days. My DC on average pay do both.
This is the only thing we’ve had a fight about - DP says I’m criticising his DC...