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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to stop paying for adult children and their partners?

196 replies

Picklepepper30 · 23/01/2020 10:04

I have two stepdaughters (both mid 20s) and two children of my own (both teenagers). When we go out for meals, my husband and I pay for all of the children and the stepdaughters’ boyfriends. Last year we paid for the eldest daughter and boyfriend to come on holiday with us and paid for all their meals. The younger stepdaughter didn’t want to come but has a boyfriend now and has said to my husband that she and her boyfriend want to come on holiday with us as they are saving for a house and wouldn’t be able to afford a holiday by themselves.... her boyfriend doesn’t work and makes joking comments that he is ‘too busy on his xbox to get a job’. Not sure how they will be able to get a house. They’ve been together 6 months and he hasn’t worked for 2 years...he’s 23. Obviously, he never offers money toward the bill if we go out. The eldest daughter’s boyfriend does sometimes offer but my husband never takes it. Now my daughter always asks to bring her boyfriend for meals and of course, we pay for him. So this is 6 extra people we are paying for. I’m thinking my youngest child will have a partner soon so that will be 8 extra people. My husband got a very well paid job last year and it has been nice to treat the family but we need to save money for a bigger house. We can’t really afford to take everybody on holiday this year. But how do we pull back?? I feel we have set a precedence that we will always pay for meals and that paid holidays for everyone is on the table. Surely if we ask them out for meals, how can we then expect them to pay?? Granted, we could just not go out for meals but our house is tiny and we don’t have the capacity to have everyone round comfortably. I’ve been worrying about this for weeks as like I said, we really need to rein in our spending to save for a new house but I just don’t know how to word it to them. How can we now change something that we started?? Would really welcome practical advice as to what to say to everyone.

OP posts:
Raindancer411 · 23/01/2020 13:15

It's strange how things are these days with some young people. Once I got a Saturday job at 15, I never expected my parents to buy me anything. Even when we went on holiday I use to offer to pay and if they didn't accept it (camping cheap holidays), I paid for other things when we went out etc

ZenNudist · 23/01/2020 13:17

My in laws and parents often pay when we go out although not as large a crowd and twice a week is excessive.

However we don't expect them to pay all the time and we do often pay for them and pick up the tab.

lottiegarbanzo · 23/01/2020 13:18

Blimey, meals out twice a week for that many people! You must be absolutely loaded!

Cut to once a month, move house (which you could do instantly if it's higher mortgage payments rather than capital you need), get a big dining table and start doing Sunday lunch at yours. Simple!

BrieAndChilli · 23/01/2020 13:19

if its actually the paying for the scounger boyfriend I would say that children not in education have to pay for themselves (then if you wanted give the older daughter some cash before hand so they can 'pay' for themselves)

lottiegarbanzo · 23/01/2020 13:22

I do think you need to be fair to DSD 2 though, so, even if you sensibly accept the Portugal invitation this year, you should pay for her to go on hols with you next year. (Gives her a year in which to drop the freeloader too). But, if you paid for the other boyfriend, you can't really decline this one, however much you disapprove.

Wingedserpentfliesbynight · 23/01/2020 13:23

I hate free loading adult kids like this! We met up with old friends and their adult DD and her boyfriend came along and when the bill came it was split between me/DW and old friend/DP without the other two adults contributing a penny! I was not flipping amused but didn't make a fuss so as not to embarrass friend. But i was wondering why I'm paying for other grown assed adults who both have jobs ...

YasssKween · 23/01/2020 13:24

Wait twice a week?! I missed that! Bloody hell OP, you've been had.

user1487194234 · 23/01/2020 13:30

I can't imagine not paying for my DC for meals I have invited them too,but at themoment I earn masses more than them.If that changed ,or I was very hard up then that would be different

Holidays are dfferent though, can't imagine going on holiday with adult DC and partners. Maybe a weekend for a special birthday but not for main holiday.,so I would probably stop that.Maybe say you aren't going away this year,or are going away with friends,or having a special holiday together,and break the cycle

Puzzledandpissedoff · 23/01/2020 13:34

Would really welcome practical advice as to what to say to everyone

Simple: when mentioning going out to eat, just say "we've got a lot of expense coming up so you'll need to pay for yourselves this time"

You'll probably learn a lot from the response ...

Givenupsmokingatlast · 23/01/2020 13:41

Get rid of the lazy arse who hasn’t worked for 2 years. That’s far worse than children troughing the odd meal out or even an entire holiday. He will be a fiasco - or, rather, a worse one than he is already.

TulipsTulipsTulips · 23/01/2020 13:41

This is bonkers! Everyone over 18 who is no longer studying should pay.

Astrabees · 23/01/2020 13:43

We can afford to treat our two sons, and they don't have partners so not too expensive. When they come home they cook for us so I don't think they are freeloaders. Every couple of years we invite them to come away with us, Portugal or somewhere else European. They pay for their own flights and transfers. We pay for the villa or flat and the we eat out at our expense some days, they eat out together without us some nights which they pay for and sometimes they buy some ingredients and cook for us. I don't mind paying for some things but if they expected us to pa for it all we would not invite them to come along.

shiningstar2 · 23/01/2020 13:44

It is difficult but I think that now they all have or are getting partners it is the time to cut back. Perhaps you could just do once a year, maybe on their dad's birthday which should be a great choice for everybody. You have the perfect reason [not excuse] in trying to save for a bigger place. If you achieve that you will have more room to have them at home for the odd meal. You can then have an easy take away which is much cheaper if you are paying for a group because you are not paying restaurant prices for all the drinks. Good luck ...changing established family patterns can be difficult.

MissingMySleep · 23/01/2020 13:53

Be honest and say that you can't afford the holiday, that way they know it's no longer the bottomless pit of cash they've been used to. It'll also sink into their minds when it comes to meals and who knows what else they might have thought you'll fund.
You could always suggest that you all go camping 😉 if they really want to spend time with you!
Melas out twice a week are really extravagant. Maybe eat at yours, home cooking or fish and chips, and maybe they'll start offering to host the family meal and also will agree that you need a bigger house.

dayslikethese1 · 23/01/2020 13:54

What kinds of places are you eating? This must be a lot of money if it's twice a week. My DPs sometimes pay for me and partner but that is at most 3/4 times a year and we always offer and/or pay for them another time. You need to invite them round I think as that seems unsustainable. You could get one of those tables that expands so it doesn't take up so much room day to day? Or invite them separately (one on the Friday, one on the Sunday or similar). Hopefully your DSD will realise the BF is a waste of space. As someone pointed out, his DPs giving him money to avoid signing on is a big mistake as he'll have no NI stamp, not to mention giving him not encouragement to sort out his lack of job himself. That is bad parenting on their side unless there's some backstory why he needs extra help.

Bluntness100 · 23/01/2020 13:56

You talk about your husbands new job, and not paying for his kids, but you don't talk about your job, what you financially contribute or what your children's father contributes,

I'm sure you just omitted to write it, but from the way it's positioned it seems very one sided. Can you expand on how much you contribute?

FearlessSwiftie · 23/01/2020 13:58

Surely if we ask them out for meals, how can we then expect them to pay??
Easily. Just have an open and frank conversation, telling them all the things you just wrote here. Your children are adults now and they will understand that you are saving for a bigger house thus having no chance to take all of them for the holiday. At least they have to.
There is nothing strange when someone from the family asks another family someone out for the meals or something and then everybody chips in because you are the family and have to make your input equal. If it is some celebration then of course the guests do not pay but if it is just an ordinary dinner then it is alright

Deadringer · 23/01/2020 14:01

I wouldn't mind paying for accommodation for everyone, but would expect them to pay for their own flights and meals. Outside of holidays, I wouldn't be taking the older ones out for meals at all unless they were paying for themselves.

TantricTwist · 23/01/2020 14:11

Just stop inviting them out to restaurants for a start.

Go yourselves you and your DH in future to restaurants.

Invite the family over for dinner at your house instead for get togethers and don't cook just order in a takeaway or M&S ready meals.

That way there is no awkwardness as you are still wanting to see them just not in restaurants.

Original poster
Picklepepper30 · 23/01/2020 14:13

@Bluntness100 do you mean what do I contribute to the meals or just in general? I work full time. Our money all goes into our joint account.

OP posts:
TantricTwist · 23/01/2020 14:14

And spend the holiday money on you and your DH having more exotic romantic holidays in far flung places that no-one would be inviting their grown up kids to.

Bluntness100 · 23/01/2020 14:15

I think th op needs to clarify the finances, how much she's contributing. She wants her kids paid for, a bigger house for her son, but not for his kids to be paid for any more, and doesn't tell us how much of the money she and their father is contributing, simply her current husband has a better job so is earning more.

If I was, for example rhe majority bread winner and my husband said to me, stop paying for your kids, pay for mine, and buy them a bigger house I'd tell him to go fuck himself. If I was contributing fairly and it was evenly my money, I'd assume I had a say.

TantricTwist · 23/01/2020 14:18

In fact you and your DH should stay in nice fancy hotels and have lovely fancy meals out in fantastic restaurants for the money you're splashing out on those DC.

Go on more city breaks and have exciting new cuisine.

Pumpkinpie1 · 23/01/2020 14:18

I’m amazed your paying
We regularly get together but each family unit pays for their own. As for holidays why can’t you split it pp?
There’s a time when you are actually damaging YP by not teaching them resilience and responsibility Paying for yourself is all part of being a grown up

TantricTwist · 23/01/2020 14:19

@Bluntness100 you're missing the point entirely.

It's about grown up DC taking the absolute piss.