AIBU to want to stop paying for adult children and their partners?

[Picklepepper30]

I have two stepdaughters (both mid 20s) and two children of my own (both teenagers). When we go out for meals, my husband and I pay for all of the children and the stepdaughters’ boyfriends. Last year we paid for the eldest daughter and boyfriend to come on holiday with us and paid for all their meals. The younger stepdaughter didn’t want to come but has a boyfriend now and has said to my husband that she and her boyfriend want to come on holiday with us as they are saving for a house and wouldn’t be able to afford a holiday by themselves.... her boyfriend doesn’t work and makes joking comments that he is ‘too busy on his xbox to get a job’. Not sure how they will be able to get a house. They’ve been together 6 months and he hasn’t worked for 2 years...he’s 23. Obviously, he never offers money toward the bill if we go out. The eldest daughter’s boyfriend does sometimes offer but my husband never takes it. Now my daughter always asks to bring her boyfriend for meals and of course, we pay for him. So this is 6 extra people we are paying for. I’m thinking my youngest child will have a partner soon so that will be 8 extra people. My husband got a very well paid job last year and it has been nice to treat the family but we need to save money for a bigger house. We can’t really afford to take everybody on holiday this year. But how do we pull back?? I feel we have set a precedence that we will always pay for meals and that paid holidays for everyone is on the table. Surely if we ask them out for meals, how can we then expect them to pay?? Granted, we could just not go out for meals but our house is tiny and we don’t have the capacity to have everyone round comfortably. I’ve been worrying about this for weeks as like I said, we really need to rein in our spending to save for a new house but I just don’t know how to word it to them. How can we now change something that we started?? Would really welcome practical advice as to what to say to everyone.

Tell them you are saving for a house with a big enough space for a dining room - you could then do meals at home and ask them to bring wine

On holiday you can let everyone know in advance that everyone over (say 18 or 21) pays - either for everything or an equal split of the food bill if you want to be generous and pay for the villa. Over 18s can pay for their own flights.

Regarding the holidays, you could tell the children you've decided the pair of you want a holiday on your own for a change. It's quite rare for parents and adult children + partners to go on holiday together on a regular basis.

Also tell them you really need a bigger house and are going to save for that. I doubt very much they will be upset by you not taking them away, most of their friends will be in the same boat, yours have just been fortunate in that respect.

I wonder why daughter's 23 year old boyfriend hasn't worked for two years, that's odd unless he is doing a study course of some kind.

Meals out don't have to be lavish and as suggested above, you don't have to go out to eat with all of them all of the time.

You do sound very nice and generous, it will work out somehow.

I agree tell the kids that you are cutting back as you are saving for a new house - then don’t invite them out for meals or on holiday. Even if you can’t host everybody ”comfortably” can you squeeze them in and cook something super simple (if the kitchen is small) like a big pan of pasta and one of bolognaise, or a (cheap) finger buffet if it’s standing room only - in the summer is there space to eat outside?

I have no advice! But I’m a partner in this situation, it’s hard our end too!! My partners pay for meals and holidays for both their sons and their families, so including all our children that’s 10 people on top themselves!!! We couldn’t afford to do all the meals and holidays but we equally would just say that, we never expect them to pay and when we can we pay for things but so tough as if we didn’t go to these meals etc then the family would never be together!

I’d just send an email/text to all children saying that you won’t be able to do it in future, I’m sure they will understand, I know that we would!

Just invite them over to yours (even if it is small) to see them rather than go out to restaurants. Eating out is expensive and they probably wouldn't be eating out at all if it wasn't you inviting them.

I've been in a very similar situation to you and I just had to have a straight talk with my DC and outline what I could and could not afford. Neither of them were upset at all and understood fully. There were no hard feelings whatsoever. I'm at the time of life now where I need to be prioritising my own future/retirement etc. Your DC will understand if you talk to them about it. If any of them don't, then they are the unreasonable ones!

@Nifflernancy... my husband agrees...to an extent. The problem is that he seems to want to pick and choose who he pays for. He’s okay (to an extent) to pay for the eldest and her boyfriend as he’s lovely and works hard and always offers something. DH complains constantly to me about paying for the other boyfriend as he appears lazy, selfish and rude. The younger one doesn’t come out as often as the older one but when she does, her boyfriend watches football videos on his phone. Last time he did it I told him to put it away at the table and he said ‘oooooh touchy!’ whilst sort of hugging me. Unbelievable really.

How about talking to them and putting something towards the cost of you can
When my DC were younger I paid for everything
When they got part time jobs they contributed so if went out for a meal they might pay for drinks
I paid for holidays and they paid spending money including meals
As they started to earn more this changed eg went on a holiday together including partners and I paid for the villa but everyone paid their own flights and meals out etc
I’m still the higher earner so treat them occasionally
Just been away with DD so I paid airport transfers, excursions and a bigger share of bar bills!
How about looking for deals to help - we always eat out on meal deals and offers unless it’s someone’s birthday
Last night I went out to new Italian (£35 meal deal including a drink) but on Tuesdays it’s 2 courses for a tenner - first thought was I’ll take DC as don’t mind paying for them and partners at that price!

How often do you go out for meal?
Is it every week or 3/4 times a year?

@Bluerussian...the boyfriend who doesn’t work says there are ‘no jobs’. He seems very picky as he doesn’t have any more qualifications than GCSEs as he dropped out of college. We live right by an industrial estate with lots of factories who are always taking on staff. When I suggest this he says he’d rather be unemployed than work in a factory.
Thank you for your advice.

@Snog.... usually on a Friday night and sometimes Sunday lunch.

Do you not have space to host just one couple at a time if they come round to yours? But no, yanbu.

@JaceLancs... actually that’s a great idea about looking out for deals midweek.

What did you say (or your DH say) when the younger DSD said she wanted to come on holiday with you? That's so cheeky of her, she didn't even try and hide the fact that the only reason she wanted to go with ye is so she and her leeching B/F want you to pay for it all.

Definitely say no we can't afford to pay for everyone

Who are the 6 extra people you pay for?

Just set up a family what's app (if you don't have one) and say
"We are thinking of Mallorca for two weeks in July, no details as of yet, everyone is welcome but it will be a case of all adults paying for themselves, same as meals etc over there. Dh and I usually pick up the tab for these things but as the group gets bigger and as we would like to save to move house we no longer can or want to do it. So we love eating out & holidaying together and hope it continues but it will be every adult contributing from now on. I'll let you know more holiday plans when we know" it's that simple really.

You'll be doing the daughter with the cocklodging boyfriend a favour as her either paying for him or missing out might make her wake up, cop on and dump him.

If you got out for meals twice a week every week they might well not be able to pay for themselves for so much eating out so you’ll need to have a conversation about how to take things forward as your budget needs to change

The younger boyfriend is a CF and you don't need to make excuses for why you don't want to finance his dining.

I’d set an age limit of the eldest step DD, stop paying for her and her boyfriend. Then as the others age, they too will age out of being paid for.
The problem with cutting everyone off will be that the elder ones will have had a free ride for longer and that will look like favouritism.

Sounds just like my parents! My dad & stepmom are quite well off and have helped DH & I as well as brother & partner no end of times with money. We always pay back. When we go out for large family meals, all of us offer to pay our bit but they always refuse. Sometimes we'll head to the bar before everyone arrives/orders on tab just to be able to contribute something by buying drinks. Same for holidays - they hired a large villa last year and paid for all of us to go saying it would be the last time we'd get a chance before my DD was born (she was born in November) and we would be taking our own family holidays - however he has just booked us all on another holiday for April only this time he has asked for a small contribution! Only £50pp but we are all more than happy to pay as we offer every time. Maybe just spring it on them to pay X amount per meal/holiday and leave it at that, I imagine they wouldn't have the audacity to argue with that.

For reference, DH and I are 30 & 24 respectively, brother & partner are 28 & 27.

Tell them something along the lines of...

We got a bit over excited about our higher income & have treated everyone for a bit but now we need to get back to normal life & start saving for our new house, so we are going to rein in the overspending from now on.
We are glad you have enjoyed us sharing our good fortune with you for a bit but we can't afford to keep doing it so we won't be taking anyone on holiday with us or paying for all the meals out etc... from now on.

When my sisters pay more than quadrupled overnight she went a bit OTT being generous too.
I had the most amazing Christmas gifts I will ever get that year (as a surprise, not that I had asked her to pay for)

I asked her to rein it in because I could feel myself starting to expect it rather than appreciating it as the treat it should have been seen as.

A few years later, she really resents the people who still want her to always pay for everything & she is as happy for me when I crow about getting my £250 special thing I've saved for as I am about her £4000 impulse buy of another handbag.

We don't have the same income, so we don't get to live the same lives.

Blooming heck twice a week - were well off but I wouldn't blow that amount each week. Once or twice a month is what we do. And it's usually a take away .
I suggest sitting down with DH and making a financial plan for your retirement. This, it turns out, requires a few cutbacks for the next few years.
If you give the impression you are loaded this could go on in the future in the form of loans for houses , cars etc. Nip it in the bud now. Once they have DCs of their own there will be lots of extra help reqiuired, childminder fees, larger house, etc . I think you have to be seen to be fair regarding the holiday but make it clear it's a one off.

Why not cut back to one or two meals out per month but still pay for everyone?

That way you will massively reduce your spending but will still be able to enjoy regular family time.

Say you are saving for a bigger house so that you can entertain more at home. In the summer you can go for picnics or eat outdoors at home.

Sign up for Meerkat Meals so you get 2 for 1 when you eat out (it covers starters, mains and desserts). Say you'll pay for everyone to have the unlimited refillable soft drinks but if they want alcohol they have to pay for their own.

Holidays - pay for the children but tell them their partners have to pay for themselves if they want to go. Make sure they pay you at the time of booking otherwise they'll let you book the holiday and then never pay you back.

When the children turn 21 you could tell them that they are adults now and need to pay for themselves but count of them not wanting to join you anymore and wanting to go away on their own.

On the couple of occasions when our parents have paid for holiday accommodation we have, jointly with our siblings, gone out of our way to ensure the parents are not paying for food when we are there. Sometimes involving either me or my brother jogging ahead to the admissions desk to pay for everyone at whatever day out attraction while the other distracts the parents.