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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to stop paying for adult children and their partners?

196 replies

Picklepepper30 · 23/01/2020 10:04

I have two stepdaughters (both mid 20s) and two children of my own (both teenagers). When we go out for meals, my husband and I pay for all of the children and the stepdaughters’ boyfriends. Last year we paid for the eldest daughter and boyfriend to come on holiday with us and paid for all their meals. The younger stepdaughter didn’t want to come but has a boyfriend now and has said to my husband that she and her boyfriend want to come on holiday with us as they are saving for a house and wouldn’t be able to afford a holiday by themselves.... her boyfriend doesn’t work and makes joking comments that he is ‘too busy on his xbox to get a job’. Not sure how they will be able to get a house. They’ve been together 6 months and he hasn’t worked for 2 years...he’s 23. Obviously, he never offers money toward the bill if we go out. The eldest daughter’s boyfriend does sometimes offer but my husband never takes it. Now my daughter always asks to bring her boyfriend for meals and of course, we pay for him. So this is 6 extra people we are paying for. I’m thinking my youngest child will have a partner soon so that will be 8 extra people. My husband got a very well paid job last year and it has been nice to treat the family but we need to save money for a bigger house. We can’t really afford to take everybody on holiday this year. But how do we pull back?? I feel we have set a precedence that we will always pay for meals and that paid holidays for everyone is on the table. Surely if we ask them out for meals, how can we then expect them to pay?? Granted, we could just not go out for meals but our house is tiny and we don’t have the capacity to have everyone round comfortably. I’ve been worrying about this for weeks as like I said, we really need to rein in our spending to save for a new house but I just don’t know how to word it to them. How can we now change something that we started?? Would really welcome practical advice as to what to say to everyone.

OP posts:
JKScot4 · 23/01/2020 12:19

*graspy not grassy

Rosebel · 23/01/2020 12:21

Is your husband on board with not paying for everyone? If he refuses to accept money from his eldest daughter's boyfriend is he suddenly going to stop paying for everyone?
I'm not saying that because I think you've been unreasonable, I think it is totally reasonable that the older ones contribute but I think you need to set an age where you stop paying. If you stop paying for everyone now your children are likely to be annoyed that you paid for their stepsisters partners for x years but won't pay for their partners. Better to say at 21 or whatever you pay for yourself.
However you need to get your husband on board.

Dashel · 23/01/2020 12:26

Maybe you and DH should work out your yearly costs of eating out so much and that might help him be a bit firmer about cutting back.

Could you not swap a Friday night meal out for a load of pizzas? Even if it’s not everyone eating all at once, you would save a fortune. Or fish n chip takeaways?

I think to break the family holiday habit either go to Portugal or do something boring just for the two of you. At least play it up to be cultural or whatever they find dull.

Original poster
Picklepepper30 · 23/01/2020 12:28

@JKScot4... I think over the years it’s just become habit and a way of getting all the family together. There’s around 20 of us that all get together and it is lovely but yes, it’s getting a bit much.

OP posts:
Dashel · 23/01/2020 12:29

I would also be careful not to sound like you want him to stop paying for his kids or he may feel you are pushing them away as you will still be including yours. I know logically they are much younger, but he and his entitled dc may not see it like that.

AryaStarkWolf · 23/01/2020 12:33

@Dashel that's fair enough however it's moved on from paying for his adult kids plus partners, will he be paying for their children as well when they arrive?

C0untd0wnC0ff33 · 23/01/2020 12:34

Suggest try to find places to eat that have deals if you present a voucher or BOFOFF deal.

The person who is not employed, should be claiming, because their 'stamp' will be paid towards state pension & other benefits.

Original poster
Picklepepper30 · 23/01/2020 12:37

@Dashel...yes I know what you mean. I am careful about this. I think it’s just a habit now. We’ve always done it through school and university and despite them all (except the boyfriend who doesn’t work) being in a better financial position, we just haven’t adapted to those changes I suppose.

OP posts:
YasssKween · 23/01/2020 12:37

Then don't invite them to meals, say you'd love them to come over for dinner because you're saving at the moment so can't afford to cover eat out meals for everyone.

But you would love to see them and they're always welcome in your home.

That way they'll hopefully get the message without making it into a big drama.

It's honest and still maintains the relationships.

And if they don't come over then you'll know they have been cheeky and so it's best you don't eat out and cover them all anyway!

FamilyOfAliens · 23/01/2020 12:38

I'm 51 and my parents pay for dinner and holidays, but to them it's just gifting to me now instead of paying inheritance tax!

Risky - they might expect you to cough up if they need better than bog standard care in their old age.

EwwSprouts · 23/01/2020 12:39

I think you say to the older ones straight that you're cutting back because you're saving. They shouldn't be too delicate to appreciate that you would like to move house.

AnybodyWantAChip · 23/01/2020 12:45

Just because you've done things in the past, it doesn't mean you are obligated to keep paying in the future. You just need to let them know that you will continue to help out when you can, but that the days of you paying for holidays for working DC and their partners are now over.
If in a couple of years you'd like to offer again you can. It just about changing the assumption that the bank of mum and dad will always pay. That's part a normal part of your DC growing up.
Things should just naturally change over time.

Straycatstrut · 23/01/2020 12:49

has said to my husband that she and her boyfriend want to come on holiday with us as they are saving for a house and wouldn’t be able to afford a holiday by themselves

Unbelievable Cfery. They'll be asking you to pay for the house when you get back from holiday. I'm not joking.

Your husband should be encouraging all his DC to be as successful as him. You work hard, you get this. Not, your dad works hard, you get this.

I'm not surprised the lazy boyfriend won't get a job with everyone paying for him like this. My brother was like this until my parents stopped his allowance (mid 20's). He swiftly trained as an electrician - took a while but now he's abroad working on Google offices having the time of his life!

It's so cheeky to expect you to pay for them and their partners at that age.

Just politely inform them that you're saving for a bigger house now so cannot afford extravagant treats for everyone, inc paying for other adults restaurant and holiday places.

If anyone gets in a strop then it tells you what they care about the most and this is really sad. As with inheritances, money can bring out the worst in people.

rookiemere · 23/01/2020 12:50

I know my SIL pays for most of her adult DCs when we go away as a group- difference is that it's in the UK so it's not as costly.

Going to your friends villa this year sounds like a good plan. Perhaps in future if you do want them to come you offer to pay villa costs, but they pay for flights and then rotate meal responsibilities between people so they can choose to cook or go out but on the understanding that you will be paying for one or no meal out during the holiday.

TheNanny23 · 23/01/2020 12:52

On the one hand you are paying for an awful lot at the moment but I must admit I thought if your youngest is 15 then in 3 years all your children will have flown the nest and the bigger house might seem a bit redundant. This needs to be done delicately as it has the potential to come off as your children vs stepchildren despite it not really being about that.

I would scale things down- next time you suggest a meal as other posters have said make it a meal or a carvery and just mention that you need to tighten your belts this year. I also thought can’t you arrange some days out to say a national trust estate or something where it’s more of an activity than a meal? For holiday book a villa/air B and B and say to adult children you are welcome to join but you’ll have to pay your flight and bring cash for meals out.

That’s how it works with my parents and my husband and I. They pay for my adult sister but she still lives at home. My husbands parents don’t and have never paid for anything but then seem to get offended when we say we can’t afford to eat out- the kind of places they want to go are not in the budget sometimes.

Beautiful3 · 23/01/2020 12:55

I would explain now that money's going to be tight, as you're saving up for a bigger house. So from now everyone over 18 will have to start paying for their own meals out. That's all you need to say. As long as you tell them all before hand, it's fine. But dont spring it on them at the meal, as that wouldnt be fair. You'll probably find that they wont want to come anymore if they have to pay, so be prepared for that reaction. By the way can your husband have a word with the sd who's boyfriend hasn't worked for 2 years?! How are they going to save up for a home if he cant be bothered to get a job?! I'd be having words with mine, if their boyfriends were that lazy.

lowlandLucky · 23/01/2020 12:57

You pay for a grown man who doesnt want to work ! Mug, sorry to be harsh but you are being used and you are allowing it

Thingsthatgo · 23/01/2020 12:58

Every Friday and sometimes Sunday too? You can’t really expect for young people to pay for themselves to eat out twice a week.
I think that you need to come up with another way to socialise with your children and step children.

Beautiful3 · 23/01/2020 12:58

"has said to my husband that she and her boyfriend want to come on holiday with us as they are saving for a house and wouldn’t be able to afford a holiday by themselves"

Just say, "no thanks, we cant afford it as we're saving up for the new house. Perhaps your boyfriend can get a job and start saving up?!?!" Also no one needs to eat out twice a week.

WitchesGlove · 23/01/2020 13:04

Can’t the boyfriends’s parents pay for the stepdaughters to go on holiday as well?

Otherwise it’s really not fair

Alternate every other year

Smartanimal · 23/01/2020 13:05

You are creating a mountain out of a molehill. If you want a bigger house stop going out for meals and stop going on holidays. No brainer.

Monkey2001 · 23/01/2020 13:06

OP - are you really taking them all out twice a week?! Even if it is only £20/head, for 8 people twice a week that would be £320/week, £16,000 a year - do you mean that when you go out it is always a Friday or Sunday, but not every Sunday?

Can see that there is an "other people's children" thing here - it is difficult to say no to paying for his kids if you don't say the same to yours, even though they are a different age.

I would scale it back to once a month, invite them separately to your house in between.

For the holiday I agee with the others, unless you enjoy it enough to foot the bill, tell them that you can't afford it this year as you are moving.

jay55 · 23/01/2020 13:08

To me old enough to bring a boyfriend/partner on holiday = old enough to pay for room/travel.

HoppingPavlova · 23/01/2020 13:09

If you genuinely want to take the DSD on holiday I would phrase it as ‘happy for you to join us but appreciate your boyfriend is unable to come given he is busy looking for a job and if he gets one won’t have been there long enough to take leave’. If the response is along the lines of ‘no, it’s okay he will come’, then respond with ‘no, I’m not financing someone who can’t be bothered to work and thinks it’s acceptable to bludge off others’. I find this is the best approach with mine, we are all straight as to where we stand and our kids are very clear re expectations.

We pay for kids if we take them to dinner as they are range from uni to high school. I expect we would keep paying until they are earning decent money after graduating, then they can shout us all every now and then. Having said that we only take them out once every 6-8 weeks on average. Happy to pay for girlfriends/boyfriends if we approveGrin. If not, fucked if I’m sitting at a table with them and paying for the privilege.

Howyiz · 23/01/2020 13:13

Do the older children live with you? If not ask them around a couple at a time and them twice annual meal out for everyone. As for the holidays, stop inviting them. They are adults now and responsible for their own holidays.