AIBU to want to stop paying for adult children and their partners?

[Picklepepper30]

I have two stepdaughters (both mid 20s) and two children of my own (both teenagers). When we go out for meals, my husband and I pay for all of the children and the stepdaughters’ boyfriends. Last year we paid for the eldest daughter and boyfriend to come on holiday with us and paid for all their meals. The younger stepdaughter didn’t want to come but has a boyfriend now and has said to my husband that she and her boyfriend want to come on holiday with us as they are saving for a house and wouldn’t be able to afford a holiday by themselves.... her boyfriend doesn’t work and makes joking comments that he is ‘too busy on his xbox to get a job’. Not sure how they will be able to get a house. They’ve been together 6 months and he hasn’t worked for 2 years...he’s 23. Obviously, he never offers money toward the bill if we go out. The eldest daughter’s boyfriend does sometimes offer but my husband never takes it. Now my daughter always asks to bring her boyfriend for meals and of course, we pay for him. So this is 6 extra people we are paying for. I’m thinking my youngest child will have a partner soon so that will be 8 extra people. My husband got a very well paid job last year and it has been nice to treat the family but we need to save money for a bigger house. We can’t really afford to take everybody on holiday this year. But how do we pull back?? I feel we have set a precedence that we will always pay for meals and that paid holidays for everyone is on the table. Surely if we ask them out for meals, how can we then expect them to pay?? Granted, we could just not go out for meals but our house is tiny and we don’t have the capacity to have everyone round comfortably. I’ve been worrying about this for weeks as like I said, we really need to rein in our spending to save for a new house but I just don’t know how to word it to them. How can we now change something that we started?? Would really welcome practical advice as to what to say to everyone.

DP says I’m criticising his DC..

You are and rightly so. He may be your DPs child but he's far from a child

Arya yes, we've said to them we feel bad that we can't afford to help when they book the expensive restaurants.

Maybe you should try being more blunt, tell them what you said here, "we can't afford alot of the restaurants you book and feel very uncomfortable with you paying but you won't stop booking these places so we end up avoiding visiting" that might get through to them?

This is difficult as you and your husband disagree. He wishes to pay for his children, you do not wish to. It's really not about the kids.

You and your husband need to agree, it may come to you need to have an element of seperate finances and he can pay for his kids out of his, so it doesn't impact you.

I'd also add that I'm with your husband although I can see your issue. I pay for my 22 year old daughter and her partner if we take them out to dinner etc and we will continue to do so hopefully. I would not accept them paying and I would prefer to cut back in other areas if I needed to do so.

Do you actually want to go on holiday with all of these people?
Huge savings there. Just tell them all that you're not funding one this year. Just take the kids still resident - if they have partners too, they can come but only if they pay their way.

They are taking the piss. My parents are well off and always try and pay and from when I hadn't decent job (mid 20s, would have been a struggle before that) I would invite them round for dinner or pay our share or for everyone when we go out (or at least try to, my mum can go a bit 'Mrs Doyle' at times!).

I think maybe they think you're much better off than you are. Which is better than them being entitled and stingy!

Stay in more / meet for coffee instead of lunch / picnics etc and also just tell them you really need to start putting more in your pension and save to move house.

One thing that I found really bad about your first post - that they want to go on holiday with you because otherwise they would never be able to afford it...I do think that's just very very rude because you havent even offered and they are just expecting you to pay for absolutely everything and also...I want to go on holiday with my parents because I dont see them loads and I want to spend time with them and I enjoy your company. It's a bit sad she just wants to go on holiday with you because its 'free'

I don't think you can ask SD boyfriend to pay for his meal out and you and DH pay for everyone else. Could you not go out for so many meals? Perhaps have family gatherings in the house. As for holidays, the boyfriends should be paying for their own holidays. SD paying for own holiday- depends on whether she's earning or not. The xbox boyfriend sounds like a no-hoper. She'll ditch him soon enough.

Say you can't afford a big family holiday this year so just taking the teenagers without plus ones and in the summer just invite them to a barbq. Say we are cutting back to move house...

I would go to your friends' villa just you and DH, and look for some much cheaper trip you could all take together - e.g. long weekend in a cottage, you say you'll pay for the accommodation but you will need everyone to put into a kitty towards food and drink costs (you could do this on a sliding scale depending on income maybe). Test the water with less lavish holiday plans and expecting them to at least contribute if not fully fund themselves straight away.

Just dont ask them out for meals or on holiday. Tell them your taking son on holiday for some one on one time. End of. And just stop the meals. Why would you want to take a sponger out who is leeching off your family.

If you don't want to pay then don't invite them out for a meal. If they mention that you haven't been out for a while, tell them that you are saving for a new house and have had to make cut backs. You could then suggest meeting up but only if everyone pays for themselves.

You would obviously pay for younger children as they are not earning any money.

SDD BF needs to learn that if he wants things in life then he needs to work for them. SDD needs to dump said BF for being a lazy arse who won't work, or she will carry him her entire life.

If we go out for big family occasion meals then parents usually pick up the tab but we are ready with payment by time bill comes around. They are pensioners now so soon we will be treating them!

On mat leave my folks new I couldn’t afford to take us all to my sisters pre-wedding dinner so paid for my kids and DH and I paid for ourselves. We wouldn’t have gone if we couldn’t pay.

As for holidays: CF but they now have an expectation. That needs adjusted! I’d be paying our own way for holiday and wouldn’t expect it paid got. If they can’t afford they can’t go!

Tell them you are having Brexit troubles, and need to cut expenses.
That taking everyone out for meals and holiday days is just not possible.
But if they are willing to pay their own way. It can still happen.

You've done your bit and it's time to scale it back, just explain this.

The 23 bf needs to get his shit together, I would throw that into the conversation also.

You've been generous but it's bordering on enabling so time to put a limit on it.

My step son is a couple of years younger than me. On a dinner out for Father’s Day he ordered lots of food and drink. Had no card for his dad. Never does. When the bill came he announced he was saving up for something at the moment so wouldn’t contribute. He earns more than me and I’m the sole earner for the family. My 2 DS were under 10 years old. Not the best example!

“Too busy on his xbox to get a job” and you’re paying for his food and holiday? More fool you!

Woman up and tell your husband to stop putting his hand in his wallet. Yes, it’s nice to be nice and treat your kids from time to time but the girls - especially the eldest two - AND their partners are absolutely taking the piss.

It's a kind thing you have done but say to the children you now have a house to save for an it's a bit expensive paying for boyfriends also

Your husband has a new high paid job.

He wants to spend it on treating the whole family.

I don't really see how he is being unreasonable. Why shouldnt he reap the rewards of a well paid job and treat his children and their partners, plus you and your children, to a holiday

You can still go out for meals, just don't invite everyone. Can you do smaller groups for dinner at yours until you have a bigger house? And as for the holiday just say no and if there are complaints she had her chance last year, you aren't planning a big one this year.

Bluntness100 I thought they are her stepchildren so they are all his children.

Sorry just reread, the other children that live in the house could be his stepchildren.

Cut off the free holidays - this year go to your friends villa in Portugal, and from next year set some new rules around contributions. They sound hugely entitled!

Meals - stop going so frequently, definitely. Invite them for 1 Sunday lunch a month, and maybe 1 midweek deal somewhere cheerful. Do pizzas at home - no need for a table. Just readjust your expectations.

Take the teenagers still without jobs out more frequently.

Most families with DC in their 20s don’t eat out together as an extended group half as frequently as you do.

If they question the change, you’re saving up. They’re adults, they can understand. You’ll be penniless in your old age otherwise with entitled offspring who won’t help subsidise you.

I can see how you have got into this position. We usually pay for meals out for us and grown up daughters and son in law but we are happy to do that and sometimes they pay their share so we don't pay all the time. Similarly we are going on holiday and whereas previously we have paid this year I asked for a contribution. Can you do that? Just because you have always paid in the past doesn't mean you always will. You need to tell them beforehand though and be prepared for them not to come if they can't afford it. Personally I wouldn't bother with a bigger house if your youngest is 15. Will he be going off to Uni in 3 years time?

YANBU. A few similarities in my situation too.
Both SD’s in twenties. 1 married. Both have a child each. DH sees them regularly. Always has to drive 2.5hr round trip, to them as neither of them drive. Neither of them work as such so living on breadline (but still manage to have babies & clothes/new handbag, smoke etc!) DH always buys the coffee’s & the lunch. Neither of them have never once offered to buy him as much as a cup of coffee.

Maybe invite kids over to your house and order a takeaway instead or if that’s still a bit pricey, ask each to cook and bring a different dish.
With the holiday situation, I think I’d get a big villa and say they’re welcome to come with you, but they have to cover their own flights and you won’t be able to pay for their meals when you eat out, however you can eat nice meals at the villa all together.
They need to know that you are not prepared to fund every member of the family and their partners forever.
I expect the kids have just become accustomed to your generosity being the status quo but it has to stop at some point.