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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is selfish after what she said?

172 replies

Winterwonderland10 · 23/01/2020 06:52

My mum told me yesterday her and my dad are going away boxing day this year for a week. I was upset because 1. I'm a single parent and Will not have my DS this coming Christmas but on boxing day instead 2. She told me she wouldn't go away with this couple on the Christmas period as she loved being with her 2 grandchild and it's about family 3. Christmas day she will be stressing about packing and keeping her house tidy and spotless as this is what shes like about any holidays thoughout the year.

She knew I wouldn't have my DS this year. So she knew she would leave me alone of boxing day which will be my Christmas day with DS. I explained I was upset but she is not getting where I'm coming from. I pointed out she was certain she wouldn't go over the Christmas period. She chose to ignore that. Luckily I told my sister I was upset and she said don't worry you can come to mine which has made me feel better but we were suppose to be at my parents. And I feel Christmas is ruined as she will be majorly stressed. I guess I wouldn't have felt so sad if I weren't a single parent but the thought of being alone with DS just brings me sadness for me and him.

Also one other thing. Recently I mentioned places I would love to go. I can't afford to being a single parent. However the places I mention my mum books as a holiday which I just find strange!

So as to not drip feed I'm currently having counselling for my childhood and how my parents raised us. E.g. toxic dysfunctional family. My mum is alot better and different to the person she was when she was younger but I know bits of her are still there.

OP posts:
Musicalstatues · 23/01/2020 06:55

Your mum has given you nearly a years notice of her plans and you have already made alternative plans with your sister. Yabu.

user1493413286 · 23/01/2020 06:56

I think as an isolated incident it’d be fair enough for your mum to want to go on holiday on Boxing Day especially as then she’s not actually leaving you alone on Christmas Day however from what you’ve said at the bottom I’m guessing it’s part of a lot of bigger issues with your mum.
I have a similar issue with my mum in that the individual things she does are hard to criticise but they form a pattern of making me feel like rubbish which has impacted my self esteem quite significantly

Effinell · 23/01/2020 06:57

YABU

Thetellyisjelly · 23/01/2020 06:57

Hmm op you just need to grow up a bit and learn to do a big girl christmas.
Buy yourself a ready meal. Watch something on the telly.. forget everyone’s drama about their boring tidy homes and their silly holidays.
Good that you’re having counselling.
Christmas without your little one is hard so just enjoy the opportunity to do your own thing and not have to fake festive cheer.
It’ll be totally fine.

AuntieStella · 23/01/2020 06:59

No, it is not selfish. Yes, people are allowed to change their mind. Yes, people can make their holidadecsions themselves, and their priority reasons might not be all about you.

You have nearly a year to make plans for visits in the Christmas season (which, if you choose, lasts way longer than just Christmas and Boxing Day - and it sounds as if it could be handy for you to celebrate more of the 12 Days)

Bluntness100 · 23/01/2020 07:00

I also think this is fine. I'm guessing you're an adult, but heavily reliant on your parents.

They are allowed to go on vacation and you're seeing your sister on Boxing Day. I think you need to give your mother a break on this.

Lweji · 23/01/2020 07:02

I'm afraid you are being unreasonable.
She can't run her life around you and they're going with friends.
You have your sister to go to.

You shouldn't have told her you're upset over this. And it's odd that you are, a year away, and with the option of being at your sister.
You need to let go emotionally of your parents.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 23/01/2020 07:02

It’s disappointing but should not be devastating. She has given you tonnes of notice and you do have alternatives. If they’re going abroad and with another couple they may be restricted on flights/dates.

Winterwonderland10 · 23/01/2020 07:04

user yes all little things that build up.
Thing is if my mum was alone around the Christmas period I wouldn't leave her to be alone. Being alone isn't very nice around that time.
And yes being without your child at Christmas is really not nice. I loved having him this year. Dreading next one without him.

MNersAreBatshit · 23/01/2020 07:06

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HulksPurplePanties · 23/01/2020 07:06

I think you need to grow up OP.

Winterwonderland10 · 23/01/2020 07:06

I'm not emotionally attached, I have my own life but I think most people wouldn't want to be alone around the Christmas period. Especially without their young children

HulksPurplePanties · 23/01/2020 07:07

Name change fail OP.

Winterwonderland10 · 23/01/2020 07:07

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SallyWD · 23/01/2020 07:09

I think you're overreacting too
You still get Christmas day together (I'm sure she'll pack before Christmas day. OK she'll be worried about mess but people are often a bit stressed on Christmas day, especially 8f they're hosting). You have nearly a year to plan a wonderful boxing day with your son. I'm sorry about your previous issues with your mum. You now sound a little dependent on her.

AdriannaP · 23/01/2020 07:10

YABU and selfish.
Your mum is an adult and allowed to go on holidays when abd where she wants (even if it’s a place you dream about). She has given you 11 months notice!!
You have plans with your sister and DC, how exactly is Christmas ruined? I hope you are not spending the next 11months moaning to your mum about it.

Original poster
Winterwonderland10 · 23/01/2020 07:11

I don't think people really get being a single parent and the loneliness you feel over the Christmas period. It's even worse when you don't have family around. Think it was a mistake posting here. Thanks for replying

OP posts:
Strongmummy · 23/01/2020 07:11

Op this is obviously feeding into your mother’s actions in your childhoods and this is why you’re feeling so hurt. You can’t stop your mother from going away, but I would talk this through with your counsellor

HulksPurplePanties · 23/01/2020 07:13

You're making no sense OP. You'll be with your parents Christmas Day and you'll be with your sister and your DS on Boxing Day. What's the big deal?

Sharonthetotallyinsane · 23/01/2020 07:14

I can see what you’re saying, it does seem like she’s not interested in spending time with you and your son at Christmas. (Or your dad). On the other hand people are entitled to do away if they want.

Popc0rn · 23/01/2020 07:15

Well they've given you 338 days notice. You won't be on your own as you've already said your sister has offered for you to go round hers.

Lazypuppy · 23/01/2020 07:16

YABU you've already made alternative plans. Why can't you just have Xmas at yours on boxing day with your son, especially if you are spending actual christmas day with your mum?

As a pp said, she has given you a years notice

Original poster
Winterwonderland10 · 23/01/2020 07:16

I know people are entitled to go away and do what they want.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 23/01/2020 07:17

Its only a day
Yabu

PanickedMondays · 23/01/2020 07:17

I guess I wouldn't have felt so sad if I weren't a single parent but the thought of being alone with DS just brings me sadness for me and him

Well, well done for talking to your sister and making alternative arrangements so that you and Ds will be with other family after all.

Is this a thought you have about other parts of your life? Weekends, summer hols etc? I think you need to consciously build a network of friends with kids the same age, if possible.

Single parenthood has its challenges but beware of rushing into a relationship just to not feel alone.