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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is selfish after what she said?

172 replies

Winterwonderland10 · 23/01/2020 06:52

My mum told me yesterday her and my dad are going away boxing day this year for a week. I was upset because 1. I'm a single parent and Will not have my DS this coming Christmas but on boxing day instead 2. She told me she wouldn't go away with this couple on the Christmas period as she loved being with her 2 grandchild and it's about family 3. Christmas day she will be stressing about packing and keeping her house tidy and spotless as this is what shes like about any holidays thoughout the year.

She knew I wouldn't have my DS this year. So she knew she would leave me alone of boxing day which will be my Christmas day with DS. I explained I was upset but she is not getting where I'm coming from. I pointed out she was certain she wouldn't go over the Christmas period. She chose to ignore that. Luckily I told my sister I was upset and she said don't worry you can come to mine which has made me feel better but we were suppose to be at my parents. And I feel Christmas is ruined as she will be majorly stressed. I guess I wouldn't have felt so sad if I weren't a single parent but the thought of being alone with DS just brings me sadness for me and him.

Also one other thing. Recently I mentioned places I would love to go. I can't afford to being a single parent. However the places I mention my mum books as a holiday which I just find strange!

So as to not drip feed I'm currently having counselling for my childhood and how my parents raised us. E.g. toxic dysfunctional family. My mum is alot better and different to the person she was when she was younger but I know bits of her are still there.

OP posts:
Nomorechips · 23/01/2020 08:58

The problem with christmas is that everyone makes out its a great time with family get togethers being all warm and glowy. So why isn't like that the rest of the year? Truth is a majority of families fall out and its stressful leading up to the supposedly big day and most people are relieved when it's over. It's a very emotive time. But OP it's only one day. Don't spend a year being cross about it. It's really not worth the energy. As for the holiday destination that's a strange one unless the idea came to her because you mentioned it. We had a different Xmas this year in similar circumstances and I was upset about it but once I let it go it was actually OK.

ShatnersWig · 23/01/2020 08:58

I don't think people really get being a single parent and the loneliness you feel over the Christmas period. It's even worse when you don't have family around.

Do you seriously think there are no other single parents on MN? Single parents who won't see family this Christmas? Or even single people who aren't parents and have no family?

RedskyAtnight · 23/01/2020 08:59

my GP told me I needed to quit as christmas day is non negotionable

My parents also used to peddle the "family comes before everything" line and that I was selfish if I didn't think that way. Even they didn't go quite as far as suggesting I quit my job (though there was barbed comments about not visiting at times when I was working and clearly a suggestion that I shouldn't be). I shuffled so many plans to "put family first".

Then one day, I realised that my parents were the selfish ones to insist upon it, and stopped doing it. And guess what, the world carried on turning.

PanickedMondays · 23/01/2020 08:59

@Crafty11 Counselling brings things close to the surface and makes you super aware of the dysfunctions and your vulnerabilities (part of the process).

No wonder you feel abandoned, you had a dysfunctional childhood.

It is good that you spoke to your sister.

Unfortunately AIBU is not the place for people having a vulnerable moment.

Have a look at the Stately Homes thread for more understanding. Or the Relationship board.

Flowers
SweetPetrichor · 23/01/2020 09:06

I can see why it's sad to be lonely, but you've got a lot of time to plan how not to be lonely. She's allowed to have a holiday when she wants - she's done the parent thing and it's their time to have a break and live their own life. Could you consider volunteering over christmas - getting involved with something in need. That's rewarding and it prevents loneliness. You'd be giving yourself company and also making a difference to others.

NoodlesMcGee · 23/01/2020 09:06

Also bear in mind OP what healthy behaviours you want to model for your son.

When he is grown up and perhaps with a family of his own, will you be crying and guilt-tripping him to change his plans to suit you?

YABU and need to reduce your dependency on your parents as you are a grown-up with a family of your own.

IceColdCocaCola · 23/01/2020 09:11

YABU. Acting like a petulant child, you can't expect your parents to live their life to suit you when you're an adult.

DuLANGMondeFOREVER · 23/01/2020 09:14

We always have our Xmas day on a day other than the 25th (complicated blended family). We call it Fakemas.

No reason why you couldn’t have a Fakemas with your parents before your DS goes to his other parent AND spend Boxing Day with your sister.

Life gets weirder the older you get and the more people you have to think about. Be adaptable, flexible and find happiness where you can. Good practice for when your DS is an unruly teen!

Bakedbrie · 23/01/2020 09:19

Tonnes of notice on this OP...get over it and hatch up your own plans for a knock out Christmas.

GenderfreeJoe · 23/01/2020 09:19

I don't think people really get being a single parent and the loneliness you feel over the Christmas period. It's even worse when you don't have family around

Im a single parent. I don't get it though. You're with your mum on Xmas day and you're with your child boxing day. So you're not alone.

separatebeds · 23/01/2020 09:22

You are with your parents on Xmas day and with your sister on boxing day. YABU

lowlandLucky · 23/01/2020 09:23

You are an adult, not your Mums little girl anymore, why should she run her life to suit you ?

Billben · 23/01/2020 09:25

Christ, you’ve got a lot of growing up to do OP.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 23/01/2020 09:28

YABU, and yes I am a single parent who alternates Christmas with my ex. I won't see DS this year on Christmas day as he is with my ex. You have to learn to deal with it and not rely on others to fill the gap.

Sweetdreamer93 · 23/01/2020 09:30

Are you 5?
Time to come out of your child state and acquaint yourself with your adult state.

Drum2018 · 23/01/2020 09:32

I don't think people really get being a single parent and the loneliness you feel over the Christmas period. It's even worse when you don't have family around

Whats the problem? Your sister has invited you to hers - she's family. And in order for you mum not to stress about Christmas Day wouldn't it be nice if you invited your parents to yours and you do dinner, so that she won't have to stress? I think you need to remember that your parents are entitled to holiday when they want. They have done their childrearing and are not obliged to hang around pandering to adult children at their stage of life.

FFSFFSFFS · 23/01/2020 09:33

About this specific incident YABU

HOWEVER, I suspect it is part of a much broader pattern of behaviour that most posters on this thread don't understand.

Were you very enmeshed with your mother growing up - is that one of the issues? When I was growing up my mother was totally enmeshed with me and she did not allow any emotional or often physical separation. Then when I was older she got a new partner and basically totally dumped me. It was awful. BUT it was also good because I could finally start to separate from her.

So - see this as a a great opportunity to start getting lots and LOTs of emotional distance from her.

Karenisbaren · 23/01/2020 09:40

Your mum has brought up her children, life is way to short, so shes booking holidays and going away, theres nothing wrong with that what so ever.

LittleDragonGirl · 23/01/2020 09:41

@Frenchw1fe @Likethebattle

My DH has a very toxic family who are very abusive, so he choses not to spend christmas day with them.

Regarding christmas, I was in a Job where my position did not have a contractual requirement to work christmas day which was why I had accepted the job, they then a few weeks before christmas decided the contract didnt matter.

I live hours away from my family and my GP host christmas dinner every year but are in their 80s. There is no way of knowing how much time they have left, and its important to us as a family to spend christmas day together as its the one day of the year all the immediate family including aunts/uncles come together and spend together. So I have no issue with dedicating one day a year to family as that is all they ask for, as unfortunately its not possible to for everyone to get together more often due to work schedules and distance.

LittleDragonGirl · 23/01/2020 09:43

GP as DGP as in grandparents

Karenisbaren · 23/01/2020 09:43

Also your grew up in a dyfunctional probably most people did, I grew up in a very dysfunctional family, mother was an alchy, father used to beat the shit out of her, we always got the slipper or the belt, we had no attention what so ever as the parents were too busy looking after their son that was ill and they lost a child too. But you know what? you choose if you want to carry that baggage with you or not. I choose not to blame them, they tried their best under the circumstances.

LittleDragonGirl · 23/01/2020 09:50

feel i should clarify regarding quitting job, i was a student at the time and it was a part time job which was making me very depressed and I was only working a shift every few weeks. I highly doubt family would have responded the same if it was a career or full time job, as my family are very much work orientated and as such I've also been reminded sacrifices need to be made for work e.g. working on birthdays, missing out on holidays when holidays are rejected, not being able to commit to weekend plans if working etc.

alliwantisabitofpeace · 23/01/2020 10:06

I'm a single parent (with no alive parents) and i don't really get where you are coming from either OP.

Is spent this past xmas day just me and my daughter and its was lovely. I then spent boxing day alone and had a lovely chilled relaxed day by myself. Was bliss.

Wandaneedsnewwindows · 23/01/2020 10:19

You’re a grown up, who has received lots of notice about a change in plans. Organise your own time. Fair enough to be disappointed, but your reaction is YABU

Urkiddingright · 23/01/2020 10:23

YABU, Christmas is 11 months away. You have more than enough time to make alternative plans and I stressing about Christmas in January is frankly bonkers.

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