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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is selfish after what she said?

172 replies

Winterwonderland10 · 23/01/2020 06:52

My mum told me yesterday her and my dad are going away boxing day this year for a week. I was upset because 1. I'm a single parent and Will not have my DS this coming Christmas but on boxing day instead 2. She told me she wouldn't go away with this couple on the Christmas period as she loved being with her 2 grandchild and it's about family 3. Christmas day she will be stressing about packing and keeping her house tidy and spotless as this is what shes like about any holidays thoughout the year.

She knew I wouldn't have my DS this year. So she knew she would leave me alone of boxing day which will be my Christmas day with DS. I explained I was upset but she is not getting where I'm coming from. I pointed out she was certain she wouldn't go over the Christmas period. She chose to ignore that. Luckily I told my sister I was upset and she said don't worry you can come to mine which has made me feel better but we were suppose to be at my parents. And I feel Christmas is ruined as she will be majorly stressed. I guess I wouldn't have felt so sad if I weren't a single parent but the thought of being alone with DS just brings me sadness for me and him.

Also one other thing. Recently I mentioned places I would love to go. I can't afford to being a single parent. However the places I mention my mum books as a holiday which I just find strange!

So as to not drip feed I'm currently having counselling for my childhood and how my parents raised us. E.g. toxic dysfunctional family. My mum is alot better and different to the person she was when she was younger but I know bits of her are still there.

OP posts:
GiveHerHellFromUs · 23/01/2020 07:18

You're not on your own on Boxing Day - you're with your son and your sister.

Do you rely heavily on your parents for emotional support?

I do also think YABU but I can see why you're upset.

Could you explain the situation to your ex and arrange to have DS on Xmas morning/afternoon instead?

Sparkle567 · 23/01/2020 07:18

Op your dramatic. She’s allowed to go away.

SecretMillionaire · 23/01/2020 07:18

YABU you are an adult now and your mother is entitled to go on holiday when she pleases. You’ve had plenty of notice and have an alternative option. You can’t expect her to revolve her life around you.

LittleDragonGirl · 23/01/2020 07:19

Personally if my mum did this I would also be upset. In my family christmas is a family time, to the extent I had to quit a job which required me to work on christmas day and surrounding days as me and DH always travel to spend christmas with my parents and GP, and even my GP told me I needed to quit as christmas day is non negotionable. So I totally get how hurtful it is to miss out on christmas day with family.

But I do think whether this is a extension of the toxic behaviour you mention experiencing as a child? Unfortunately you cannot change what is happening, but I would speak to a therapist about it if you have one, and try to plan around it, for example with your sister as you have done so.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 23/01/2020 07:19

You’re a grown woman with your own family, of course your parents can go away when they like. Plenty of adult children spend Christmas without parents.

If you want to go to places like they do, then start saving, work more hours etc. Most people have to work and save for holidays regardless if relationship status.

PanickedMondays · 23/01/2020 07:20

Did you feel lonely this year?

Has the break up been recent?

Will you be at your sister’s Christmas Day and Boxing Day?

MarthasGinYard · 23/01/2020 07:21

Grow up

It's a year away.

You are a parent stop relying on others for your own selfish reasons

EnidBlyton · 23/01/2020 07:22

I am sorry the reactions are so harsh op. Shocked also.

Upstartcrones · 23/01/2020 07:22

You say your mum was toxic and you need counselling for your childhood and yet you seem to be clinging onto her and looking for any sign of rejection. This isn't about you or your child, they just want to go on holiday.

You won't be alone at Christmas. There are millions of people who sit alone for weeks at christmas, people who are vulnerable and distraught. Maybe you should get a healthier perspective on this.

EnidBlyton · 23/01/2020 07:23

If you are having counselling then it is time to make use of that counselling

EnidBlyton · 23/01/2020 07:24

If you apply early, and its early now, you can volunteer on christmas day.

Overtime2019 · 23/01/2020 07:24

I'm a single parent and apart from Christmas where family come to mine for an hour tops its always just me and kids and you know what yeah it gets lonely but its what you make of it so instead of thinking of how lonely you'll be just think of fun stuff you and your child can do

HugeAckmansWife · 23/01/2020 07:24

I am a single parent and I get the idea of loneliness but for me it's being alone at stupid oclock on Xmas morning when they open their gifts. Without their dad or anyone else about to share the excitement etc it's a kind of heartache. BUT, other than that, being on own, ie when the kids are at their dad's is actually rather lovely, peaceful, please yourself time. You've made alternative arrangements, your mum will see your DS just before xmas presumably for presents etc, as most grandparents do.

NoSauce · 23/01/2020 07:25

You're making no sense OP. You'll be with your parents Christmas Day and you'll be with your sister and your DS on Boxing Day. What's the big deal?

Agree.

This instance alone isn’t that bad unless there’s a drip feed coming. You sound a bit bratty OP, sorry.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 23/01/2020 07:33

I have a similar issue with my mum in that the individual things she does are hard to criticise but they form a pattern of making me feel like rubbish which has impacted my self esteem quite significantly

This.

My parents did it too. I don't even think they were aware of it, it was so ingrained, and no matter how often or how patiently I tried to explain, they couldn't see it. They could NOT see it.

And I also knew that my response was an extreme one (as yours is), but could NOT stop it.

All of us were in automatic pilot mode and the responses were Pavlovian - and I think you and your mother are the same IYSWIM.

You are being unreasonable in the sense that you were expecting her to be there for you (and she told you she would), but she changed her mind GIVING YOU PLENTY OF NOTICE.

She is being unreasonable in that she is breaking your trust (it wasn't quite a promise) and has, without even realised she is doing it, picked the holiday you dreamed of having but can't afford. (Probably thought "Ooh! Crafty wants to visit X and see Y and eat Z at a rustic cafe - that sounds lovely - let's do that!" And isn't even aware that she is rubbing your nose in it.)

Let it go, if you can. Don't share your dreams with her again. Don't rely on her promises. Grit your teeth until they crack. (I know I'm projecting, but it got me through similar situations).

c75kp0r · 23/01/2020 07:36

Totally get that being with your kids is NOT the same as adult company. How about signing up with one of those befriending schemes that offers an old lonely person a trip out once a week?

You get to see your parents all week, some people's best human contact is when they do their grocery shop...

c75kp0r · 23/01/2020 07:37

Apologies - I meant to say you see your parents for the rest of the year apart from that one week...

Frenchw1fe · 23/01/2020 07:40

@LittleDragonGirl you quit a job because your family told you Christmas is non negotiable!
Who do you think runs hospitals and police's the streets at Christmas?
Christmas is just one stressful, overeating day when we're all supposed to behave like a Disney film. Unless anyone has children under 12 then I really think Christmas should be treated like a Sunday.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 23/01/2020 07:42

I'm with Frenchw1fe on this one.

It's just a big Sunday dinner with paper hats and added stress.

Whatsforu · 23/01/2020 07:42

You really need to shake yourself!!! We have only just got past Christmas and you are already thinking of the next. You can go to your sisters. Let your mum live her life, you are a grown up!!! There are people out there who have literally no one, imagine how that feels. Harsh but get a grip!!!

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 23/01/2020 07:44

Sorry YABU and actually coming across as the selfish one?

So your son is presumably going to his dads xmas day - at which point your family WONT have left on their trip yet so you won't be on your own and then they leave on Boxing Day and you have the day with your son??

Why should your parents change their lives to suit yours because of whatever life choices you have made (obviously don't know the circumstances of why you are a single parent) that has led to this point?

You seem more concerned that the attention won't be on you on Xmas day because they will be getting ready for their trip?

You have a years notice and also been invited to your sisters? You're not going to be on your own? I don't see the problem??

Willow2017 · 23/01/2020 07:44

Millions of people are alone at Xmas but you aren't as your mum will be there Xmas day and your child will be there boxing day. Plus you are going to your sisters.

It's not up to others to make thier Xmas all about you. You have a year to plan Xmas with your child.

Sorry your childhood wasn't great but you are an adult and a parent now it's on you to make your life how you want it to be not anyone else. Adults can chose to do whatever they want without having to consult others to ask if it's ok.

Single mum myself btw and have spent years alone with kids at Xmas apart from an hour or two when thier dad visits. You just have to make the best of it for you and the kids. It's still possible to have a nice Xmas without relying on others to do it for you.

Likethebattle · 23/01/2020 07:47

People do get it buy yabu. Once you are a grown up your parents have a life of their own. You’ll not be alone, you have your sister on Christmas day and your parents don’t go away until Boxing Day which is when your ex returns! I really can’t understand why this is a problem 🤷🏻‍♀️

Lipz · 23/01/2020 07:49

Your parents are allowed to go away. They can't stay just because you need them to host you.

Plenty of single parents manage Christmas day without their children. The child usually does 2 Christmases, one at their own and one at the other parent. You can always have Christmas on Christmas eve that way everybody is around.

It's life, people work, people are separated, people make alternative plans that suit everyone.

Tombliwho · 23/01/2020 07:49

It's one day which she has given you almost a years notice of. You won't be alone anyone because your sister has immediately offered. These are people you're having to get counselling because of but you're pissed off you can't spend christmas with them Confused All very dramatic.

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