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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is selfish after what she said?

172 replies

Winterwonderland10 · 23/01/2020 06:52

My mum told me yesterday her and my dad are going away boxing day this year for a week. I was upset because 1. I'm a single parent and Will not have my DS this coming Christmas but on boxing day instead 2. She told me she wouldn't go away with this couple on the Christmas period as she loved being with her 2 grandchild and it's about family 3. Christmas day she will be stressing about packing and keeping her house tidy and spotless as this is what shes like about any holidays thoughout the year.

She knew I wouldn't have my DS this year. So she knew she would leave me alone of boxing day which will be my Christmas day with DS. I explained I was upset but she is not getting where I'm coming from. I pointed out she was certain she wouldn't go over the Christmas period. She chose to ignore that. Luckily I told my sister I was upset and she said don't worry you can come to mine which has made me feel better but we were suppose to be at my parents. And I feel Christmas is ruined as she will be majorly stressed. I guess I wouldn't have felt so sad if I weren't a single parent but the thought of being alone with DS just brings me sadness for me and him.

Also one other thing. Recently I mentioned places I would love to go. I can't afford to being a single parent. However the places I mention my mum books as a holiday which I just find strange!

So as to not drip feed I'm currently having counselling for my childhood and how my parents raised us. E.g. toxic dysfunctional family. My mum is alot better and different to the person she was when she was younger but I know bits of her are still there.

OP posts:
Lizzie030869 · 23/01/2020 14:08

I've said I agree that she's unreasonable, in a way that tells me that she needs therapy to deal with a lot of unresolved issues from the past.

feistymumma · 23/01/2020 19:01

YABU

Polly111 · 23/01/2020 19:44

Wow there’s some nasty comments on here -have a bit of compassion.

Op it’s not unreasonable for your parents to go away over Christmas but I understand why you might be feeling upset and worried about it. I think it’s often the bit between Boxing Day and nye that can be the hardest if you’re alone. I think the previous idea of going to a pantomime is a good one to fill a day or if finances can stretch you could look into going to butlins or something like that with lo.

LittleDragonGirl · 23/01/2020 22:00

@Frenchw1fe it's absolutely all right :) personally I've found magic has lost its magic for me also, but it's really important to my family, also being my grandparents only grandchild, and not being able to see them regularly I make the effort for that one day a year. But I'm also fortunate to have a very healthy family focused dynamic (where we all help each other out when needed and are close) so I dont begrudge having to be merry at christmas and make it work! At the end of the day no ones getting any younger!

Thewomeninthemirror · 23/01/2020 22:07

Are you 12 op?
Give some thought to single parents who have no parents or family themselves who have Christmas alone.

Dieu · 23/01/2020 22:12

YABU. Sorry, but you're being selfish and a bit immature. You have plenty of notice to make your own plans.

MadameButterface · 23/01/2020 22:24

Flip this around and look at all the threads there are where people want to carve out a little space for just them and their dc to hunker down in at christmas. Mils want to stay right through until new year but ops want them shipped off asap, parents lay on the emotional blackmail and ppl spend hours on the motorway lugging dc from pillar to post to keep everyone happy. The advice to them, as it is to you is, the perfect christmas does not exist. If you strive for a picture perfect ideal you will inevitably be disappointed because real humans aren’t like that.

The christmas period is a time to be with our families for sure, but for many people it’s also their only bit of downtime in the long miserable dark slog of winter and they should be allowed to do things for themselves not just for other people. You have nearly a year to plan a workaround to this, you may decide to have another family christmas either before the day itself or when your mum returns, or you may by then decide that your mum is indeed selfish and toxic and you’re not going to bother. Either is fine. You can plan to see friends, other family, you can just chill at home and enjoy your ds. You are single now but who’s to say you still will be in 11 months? Or counselling may bring some stuff up for you that means you’re glad to have some distance from your mum at such an emotionally charged time of year. It’s not the end of the world op, chin up.

squeekums · 24/01/2020 02:55

I spent many a Christmas alone between 15 and 20, homeless or living with friends who had their own family's thing to attend. I know all about a dysfunctional childhood before that.

Your being a brat OP. You already have other plans, it's 11 months away and your still having a tantrum?
Get over it. Your poor mum. If this the kind of drama you bring over Christmas, no wonder she going away.

Durgasarrow · 24/01/2020 03:16

No, it isn't selfish of her. You are entitled to feel sad. But the best thing to do is not to project your sadness on others. Make a plan for enjoying your free day--think of things you love to do and indulge yourself. If you can't think of anything that gives you pleasure, this is a great time to start!

Lizzie030869 · 24/01/2020 03:31

I think the OP has hidden the thread. Obviously she's being unreasonable IMO, but, as I said earlier, I really don't think this is simply about next Christmas. The OP said that her childhood was toxic and that she's been rebuilding her relationship with her mum as an adult, and I think that this is the reason why she's overreacted.

chatwoo · 24/01/2020 04:25

I don't think that the OP will return to the thread.

katy1213 · 24/01/2020 05:26

Dear god, it is January! We're barely over the last one.
And how dare your Mum book a holiday in a place you can't afford - the cheek of her!

Supertrooper98 · 24/01/2020 06:09

You're not the only single parent.
There is nothing wrong with spending Christmas alone with your children. In fact it's lovely.
You sound very entitled like you expect the world to revolve around you.
Your parents have raised their children (presumably although you sound about 12 so it's hard to be sure) so they can book whatever holidays they want when they want.
You had a different Christmas in mind so you're disappointed but plenty of time to get over your disappointment. Things happen in life you gotta roll with it

doublebarrellednurse · 24/01/2020 06:27

I was a single parent a long time.
I live 300 miles from my parents.

I do get it OP. But what I also got was as needing to go out and live my own life. Christmas Day when my son was away was all about me. Pamper. TV. Wine. cheese.

Hotseat · 24/01/2020 06:32

Far too much me,me,me in this post. OP you sound selfish and bitter. This is nearly a year away, you are not alone you have your sister.

Clettercletterthatsbetter · 24/01/2020 06:40

I’m sorry but YABU. What you do with your child at Christmas is up to you, and you can’t rely on others doing what you want to do. If your mum is around and wants to invite you over for Xmas, great! But you can’t expect it!

As for the holiday destination, that’s life. The number one place I’d love to go is NZ. My mum and step dad are planning a holiday there next year. I don’t feel aggrieved because I have no right to!

CareBear50 · 24/01/2020 06:50

OP I understand where you're coming from

Im also a single parent and I'd be upset if my parents did something diff at Christmas. They always come to mine and I cook Christmas dinner. However they would be well within their rights to do whatever they want, but if they did, I'd probably be a bit upset.

Thankfully your sister understands this and has arranged for you to spend Christmas together. Try and reframe this... Which I know is hard....you are lucky to have family to spend Christmas with, as some people don't have that luxury.
You have nearly a year to come to terms with what's happening. Good luck op x

lowlandLucky · 24/01/2020 15:11

Some her Mums are at home with their children while her Husband is in a war zone

Mistystar99 · 25/01/2020 00:23

You may find, although hard initially, that you are happier without them at Christmas. Wish you well xx

DemelzaandRoss · 25/01/2020 03:49

YABU. Your parents are completely entitled to spend the week after Christmas Day away. You should be happy for them.

QuiteForgetful · 25/01/2020 07:31

I can understand how disappointed you are, I would have been too. I would not miss my grandkids Christmas (if I had any!) But you have a lot of time to plan a nice Christmas with your ds.

Lizzie030869 · 25/01/2020 08:40

The problem here is that telling the OP to 'grow up' or telling her that other people have it worse than she does (she knows that) isn't going to do anything but make her worse than she already does. I suspect that the OP has serious MH issues, certainly anxiety and I suspect depression as well, probably as a result of the 'toxic childhood' she talked about in her OP.

We don't know what she meant by toxic, but she appears to be very damaged, as she genuinely didn't appear to realise how batshit she sounded.

If you're still following, OP, if you haven't already spoken to your GP, you really should. Medication can make a lot of difference and improve the quality of your life. (I know this from personal experience.) Because otherwise your DS will have the same toxic childhood you had.

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