To think this is selfish after what she said?

[Winterwonderland10]

My mum told me yesterday her and my dad are going away boxing day this year for a week. I was upset because 1. I'm a single parent and Will not have my DS this coming Christmas but on boxing day instead 2. She told me she wouldn't go away with this couple on the Christmas period as she loved being with her 2 grandchild and it's about family 3. Christmas day she will be stressing about packing and keeping her house tidy and spotless as this is what shes like about any holidays thoughout the year.

She knew I wouldn't have my DS this year. So she knew she would leave me alone of boxing day which will be my Christmas day with DS. I explained I was upset but she is not getting where I'm coming from. I pointed out she was certain she wouldn't go over the Christmas period. She chose to ignore that. Luckily I told my sister I was upset and she said don't worry you can come to mine which has made me feel better but we were suppose to be at my parents. And I feel Christmas is ruined as she will be majorly stressed. I guess I wouldn't have felt so sad if I weren't a single parent but the thought of being alone with DS just brings me sadness for me and him.

Also one other thing. Recently I mentioned places I would love to go. I can't afford to being a single parent. However the places I mention my mum books as a holiday which I just find strange!

So as to not drip feed I'm currently having counselling for my childhood and how my parents raised us. E.g. toxic dysfunctional family. My mum is alot better and different to the person she was when she was younger but I know bits of her are still there.

Crafty, I do understand how some people feel lonely over Christmas (though my dream Christmas would consist of me being on my own if possible but I'm an unsociable sod); however, you're not going to be alone. You'll be with parents on Christmas day, your son, sister and her family on Boxing Day. What's 'lonely' about that?

I was a single parent when my children were young and I still think YABU. You are an adult. Your mum is entitled to go on holiday when she wants. You will be with your sister. I always spent large parts of Xmas alone. You just get used to it.

It's good you have recognised how helpful counselling will be with handling your feelings about a dysfunctional background Crafty.

I am sure you will raise this xmas issue with your counsellor - but please will you also focus on your own reaction to your mother's plans?
Deciding 11 months before the event that somebody else's actions are going to be responsible for "ruining xmas" is - (& I mean this kindly because it is a natural if misguided response) - disproportionate.

My mum is alot better and different to the person she was when she was younger but I know bits of her are still there.
I suspect you need to find a method of getting rid of the hope that one day your mum will become the mother you wanted her to be.
You cannot change other people's behaviours.
What you can change is your response to them.
If you spend the next 11 months believing in & fretting about a ruined xmas, you will bring about a "self fulfilling prohpecy", & not just have a bad time on the day, but it will infect your entire year.
If you choose to spend the time instead thinking "ah well that's mum, can't change her, glad DS & I will have family time with my sister on boxing day" ... can you see how much more power this gives you over your feelings, & control over your own life?

I'm sorry about your mum, but maybe this is a blessing in disguise: a wake-up call to the fact that you can't control her or change her, so need to find a way to stop the emotional dependence you create for yourself when you base your happiness on your mum's behaviour.

to the extent I had to quit a job which required me to work on christmas day and surrounding days as me and DH always travel to spend christmas with my parents and GP, and even my GP told me I needed to quit as christmas day is non negotionable. So I totally get how hurtful it is to miss out on christmas day with famiy
You what?
A married woman quit her job because her parents told her one day a year was more important than her own life?
So you were short of money for how long just so they could do Disney Xmas?
Wtaf!

YANBU to feel disappointed and sad that you won't have your DS over xmas.

YABU to expect your parents to run their life depending on what you want.

It sounds to me that you are way too reliant on them.

Why not have "Christmas Day" the week later or the week earlier so that you can spend it with your DS, mum and your sister (and anyone else that you'd like to be there)? If you were notionally moving your Christmas Day with DS to another day anyway, why not just make this is a different "other" day?

I'd also point out that Christmas is 11 months away and plenty of things can happen between now and then. Last year my brother came up with a plan for how our extended family were getting together over Christmas - on January 3rd. And guess what? 100 things happened during the year, and we ended up doing Christmas in an entirely different way.

I can't see the problem.

I would suggest they are going away on Boxing day rather than before Christmas, because they know you would otherwise be alone on Christmas Day itself. They've chosen a day that means that you aren't going to be alone at all - Christmas Day with them, Boxing Day with your son and your sister. They are being considerate towards you.

You do seem to think that everything should revolve around you. You're an adult now, time to grow up and act like one.

I go to my parents every year for Christmas. I am a LP.

Tbh I've always dreamed of a day just ds and I. I love my parents and we have a great time but it's become more of a chore/routine now and just something we do. My mum always says we never went anywhere Xmas day and understands why we only visit a few hours as kids want to be in own home.

I'd honestly look to build your own traditions with your ds.
Maybe find somewhere to have a walk, are there any Boxing Day swims you can watch, what meal do you want.

You'll be far happier and liberated when you start to look to how to have fun as your core family (you and ds) - rather than relying on others to provide the entertainment and company.

to the extent I had to quit a job which required me to work on christmas day and surrounding days as me and DH always travel to spend christmas with my parents and GP, and even my GP told me I needed to quit as christmas day is non negotionable. So I totally get how hurtful it is to miss out on christmas day with famiy

Forget the OP, what the absolute fuck is this insanity?!

She’s given you nearly a years notice to plan things. YABU. You don’t know what will happen over the year.

It’s just under a years notice, and you have your sister. If it was 6 weeks notice, plans in place and no one around at all I would totally understand but parents of adult children are allowed to have alone time every now and again, be it over Christmas, Easter or whenever.

I’m not into Christmas partly due to all the unnecessary fuss and my sons are like me in that they can take it or leave it, but I can’t wait until my youngest is an adult so I can go off on holidays without them

I’m a single parent and the last 8 Xmas days have been spent on my own from 12:00. I don’t care. You’re not even on your own - you have your parents in Xmas Day, and your sister and child on Boxing Day 🤷🏻‍♀️

On the details of that one scenario - YABU.

I agree with the PP who says, if you’re in counselling - use it.

No-one knows if her behaviour is innocent or not. Copying the holiday you can’t afford?
If you said you’d love a beach holiday in the Canaries and she booked that, YABU. If you said you’d always dreamed of MTB in Georgia and she didn’t even own a bike, and she booked that... YANBU.

If your parents are so toxic, why are you so keen to spend Christmas with them? I haven't spent Christmas with my toxic parents in years.

Yes YABU, and I say that as a single parent who goes to my mums on Xmas day. If she wanted to go away somewhere instead, that's got nothing to do with me. Sounds like you need to grow up a bit OP

I don't think people really get being a single parent and the loneliness you feel over the Christmas period.

They do Crafty.
It's just that they've possibly be doing it a lot longer than you, & have developed strategies to not just cope with it but actively enjoy it.

An xmas day to yourself is a fine thing - you get to do exactly what you want, sleep as long as you want, watch & eat what you want ...

Also, it wasn't a mistake posting here.
AIBU can be a harsh forum, but you will find a lot of tough love here, & wisdom & yes, actual compassion.
Why not take this thread to your next counselling session, to help you unpick the unhealthy emotional dependence you have on your mum?

It's normal to not wish to be lonely, & maybe feel a little upset when plans change. Not normal to decide that something is already ruined 11 months before the event.

You cannot keep expecting your mum to provide your emotional security or book her holidays to suit your schedule - when you can start relying more on YOURSELF to fulfill your own emotional needs, you will be happier & more resiliant no matter what plans your mum makes.

I’m sorry but you are an adult. You made the decision to have a child so you are an adult. Your mum isn’t always going to be around and so you need to start creating a life for yourself.

Christmas is 11 months away,

You will be with your parents Christmas day,

You will be with your son and sister in boxing day

It's all you, you, you and wat you want...with no thought to wat others may want,

Grow up op, you aren't going to be alone, if your parents want to go on holiday then they should be able to without you guilt tripping them

I think the OP was hoping that everyone would agree that her parents were being harsh. The thing is, she won’t be on her own, there will be plenty of lone parents in the same position, as well as older people who are on their own all year round.

Being alone isn't very nice around that time.
For God's sake grow up.

@LittleDragonGirl are you actually serious? Your grandparents told you to quit your job? Oh my god that’s weird as fuck, does your DH ever get a say in Christmas plans, does he get to see his family or is that ‘non negotiable’ too?

To be honest that's a year away. You might meet someone til then anyway. You never know what's round the corner. But you're an adult (I take it) and I genuinely don't mean to be harsh but your mum doesn't need to plan things around you. It's not her fault you're single parent or you can't afford to go to places she can.

I think you owe your mum an apology and a bunch of flowers.

I was also a single parent when DCs were young and yes, Christmas is bloody miserable when they are with their other parent and there's no family around. However, it's not anyone else's responsibility to look after me or cheer me up. It's unfair to expect people to centre their plans around you.

You're a parent, OP. Being an adult means learning to be self sufficient. You have the option of going to your sisters or spending a day in PJs watching crap Christmas telly. Or go to a friends.

YANBU to feel disappointed and sad that you won't have your DS over xmas.
He is only away Xmas day she has him the rest of the time! She isn't going to be alone for 2 weeks!

You won’t be alone. You’ll be with your sister which sounds like it will be nicer than being with your parents anyway.

They’ve been selfish in that they’ve chosen what they want to do at Christmas but not in any way unreasonable.