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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is selfish after what she said?

172 replies

Winterwonderland10 · 23/01/2020 06:52

My mum told me yesterday her and my dad are going away boxing day this year for a week. I was upset because 1. I'm a single parent and Will not have my DS this coming Christmas but on boxing day instead 2. She told me she wouldn't go away with this couple on the Christmas period as she loved being with her 2 grandchild and it's about family 3. Christmas day she will be stressing about packing and keeping her house tidy and spotless as this is what shes like about any holidays thoughout the year.

She knew I wouldn't have my DS this year. So she knew she would leave me alone of boxing day which will be my Christmas day with DS. I explained I was upset but she is not getting where I'm coming from. I pointed out she was certain she wouldn't go over the Christmas period. She chose to ignore that. Luckily I told my sister I was upset and she said don't worry you can come to mine which has made me feel better but we were suppose to be at my parents. And I feel Christmas is ruined as she will be majorly stressed. I guess I wouldn't have felt so sad if I weren't a single parent but the thought of being alone with DS just brings me sadness for me and him.

Also one other thing. Recently I mentioned places I would love to go. I can't afford to being a single parent. However the places I mention my mum books as a holiday which I just find strange!

So as to not drip feed I'm currently having counselling for my childhood and how my parents raised us. E.g. toxic dysfunctional family. My mum is alot better and different to the person she was when she was younger but I know bits of her are still there.

OP posts:
TeensArghhhh · 23/01/2020 10:25

Invite your parents and sister to yours on Christmas Eve, or whenever your DC will be with you in the run up to Christmas. You do Christmas dinner for your family.

If it's going to be too much to cope with as your parents pack their stuff on Christmas day you could always help out with Christmas dinner for the homeless.

You will be spending boxing day with your DC and sister.

I, honestly, can't see your problem. Your parents have raised their children. If they want a child free break there should be nothing stopping them.

You are a mother OP. It's time to cut the apron strings.

TheFastandTheCurious · 23/01/2020 10:28

YATBU

Blacksackunderthetreesfreeze · 23/01/2020 10:39

Had a fab Christmas this year just me and my two little ones.

We had some friends over in the morning - would that work for you especially bearing in mind it’s Boxing Day. Then I did the Christmas lunch late ish in the day, although i got a turkey crown. Lots of lego happened, and there was Christmassy food etc.

In the early evening we went for a walk around our neighbourhood spotting Christmas lights and (lightheartedly) giving them marks out of 10 to make the walk feel “official” to my youngest. Then home for Fhristmas pudding, which we’d been too full for earlier on.

Boxing Day we went for a big walk which sadly got cut short due to awful weather, followed by a lovely pub lunch.

Bowerbird5 · 23/01/2020 10:46

Ask your mum to get you and your son panto tickets if he is old enough to enjoy it. Perhaps for your sister too. Do something with her in the morning then off to the panto for the afternoon. It would make a lovely day for him.

TeensArghhhh · 23/01/2020 10:50

Ask your mum to get you and your son panto tickets

Alternatively buy your own panto tickets!

MintyMabel · 23/01/2020 10:53

Grow up.

Arthritica · 23/01/2020 10:57

Your poor mother. Gives you 11 months notice of her plans and you still make a fuss.

You, your son and your sister can all have a fab time over the holidays. Think about valuing time to yourself rather than seeing it as hardship.

airbags · 23/01/2020 10:57

YABU. 11 months notice, you're an adult, you have an alternative offer already from your sister. Put on your big girl pants and get over it.

Hepsibar · 23/01/2020 11:01

They could go away on Christmas Day, it's their life!

Who can blame them wanting to get away at this time of the year and have a lovely break?

Or why dont you find an old person who could come over to you ... there's so many lonely old folks out there ... check out Age UK website.

Frenchw1fe · 23/01/2020 11:08

@LittleDragonGirl sorry for teasing you and about your dh family.
Fair enough for leaving a part time job.
I'm at an age now where I really find Christmas to be a bit hyped. I have a dgs though so it's nice to see it through his eyes.

Sagradafamiliar · 23/01/2020 11:09

I'm a single parent so it's not coming from a place of not understanding: yabu.

BlooperReel · 23/01/2020 11:32

YABVU, and I think deep down you know that. You are an adult, your parents lives should not revolve around you, they've done their bit at being parents, let them enjoy thier time however they see fit, and focus on making christmas special even if it does end up being the two of you. Pantomime tickets was a great suggestion.

Therealjudgejudy · 23/01/2020 11:38

Grow up. You know the world doesn't revolve around you right? Hmm

MilkTrayLimeBarrel · 23/01/2020 11:44

For goodness' sake why are you thinking about next Christmas when we have hardly got over last year's yet??? It's only one day in the year - does it really matter?

AryaStarkWolf · 23/01/2020 11:54

YABVU

viques · 23/01/2020 12:03

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Lizzie030869 · 23/01/2020 12:07

Some of you have no idea how much childhood shapes us. I don't think this is really about next Christmas, it's about resentment concerning what happened to her as a child. So telling her to grow up isn't at all helpful; she's gone back to being that hurt child.

We have a similar thing going on in my family. My DSis and I still feel resentful to our DM because of the SA we went through at the hands of our F and others. She didn't know about it, but that was because she was emotionally very distant and worked all hours, including bringing it home with her. She was also neglectful. I now think that was because of her own childhood.

The problem is that my back goes up when she tries to butt in when my DH or I are disciplining our DC or tries to give parenting advice. I think, 'That's rich coming from you, the world's best parent, not.' I've never said it.

My DM is regularly away around Christmas time, or goes away a couple of days later. She spends 2-3 months every year in Africa doing Christian charity work (at 80). At times, my DSis has really resented it (I'm secretly glad, I confess, as she lives much nearer to me so I like having a break from her).

Is my DSis being selfish? Possibly, but again, she's going into child mode. Saying 'grow up' means you don't get what's going on here.

Have you had therapy, OP? That would be really beneficial. Also, I think you should ask for this thread to be moved to the Relationships board; you'll get more appropriate responses there. And have a look at the Stately Homes thread on that board, it's a place where you can say what you're feeling without being judged, unlike the bear pit that it AIBU.Flowers

Poorolddaddypig · 23/01/2020 12:08

You are being extremely unreasonable! Unbelievably so, actually. I find this post quite shocking. She’s your mum, but you’re an adult. It’s not her duty to be there 100% of the time at your beck and call just because you’re a single parent. She needs a life too! This is very selfish.

Lizzie030869 · 23/01/2020 12:11

Your mum has brought up her children, life is way to short, so shes booking holidays and going away, theres nothing wrong with that what so ever.

The problem here is that her mum DIDN'T bring the OP up, none of you appear to have picked up on the fact that her home life was dysfunctional.

Lizzie030869 · 23/01/2020 12:15

Yes she is being unreasonable, same as I think my DSis is about our DM going to Africa regularly. She's in Africa now and I'm very poorly mentally (PTSD and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome). I've never complained about her going away.

I think you should hide this thread, OP, this pile on isn't going to help you.

Cupoftea391 · 23/01/2020 12:15

Sorry, but I think it's wrong for making your parents feel guilty for this, you should be happy for them.im assuming they've done a lot of Christmasses over the years and they want a break over Christmas. Can you not have a get together before they go away or after?

TheSoapyFrog · 23/01/2020 12:25

As a single parent I do understand the loneliness. However, Christmas is what you make it. Your priority is making sure it's enjoyable for your child. And you're not going to be alone, you have your sister and your child.
Lastly, please stop relying on other people for your happiness. You're grown. Your parents are free to go where they want, when they want. Christmas will only be ruined if you let it.

itwaseverthus · 23/01/2020 12:58

Old enough to be a parent yourself yet way too immature to deal with life. Tragic.

itwaseverthus · 23/01/2020 13:06

The problem here is that her mum DIDN'T bring the OP up, none of you appear to have picked up on the fact that her home life was dysfunctional Well dysfunctional or not, she did bring her up! And as the op is behaving in a very clingy and unreasonable manner about where and when her perents holiday, not entirely clear who has dysfunctional issues here. I get that our upbringing shapes us but the counselling is clearly not working for op if she thinks this is a problem.

Lizzie030869 · 23/01/2020 14:07

The OP said it was toxic, though. I suppose she did kind of bring her up, but then you could say that my parents brought my siblings and me up; never mind that my F abused us and my DM neglected us emotionally and didn't know what was going on under her nose.

Some posters really haven't got a clue.