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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is selfish after what she said?

172 replies

Winterwonderland10 · 23/01/2020 06:52

My mum told me yesterday her and my dad are going away boxing day this year for a week. I was upset because 1. I'm a single parent and Will not have my DS this coming Christmas but on boxing day instead 2. She told me she wouldn't go away with this couple on the Christmas period as she loved being with her 2 grandchild and it's about family 3. Christmas day she will be stressing about packing and keeping her house tidy and spotless as this is what shes like about any holidays thoughout the year.

She knew I wouldn't have my DS this year. So she knew she would leave me alone of boxing day which will be my Christmas day with DS. I explained I was upset but she is not getting where I'm coming from. I pointed out she was certain she wouldn't go over the Christmas period. She chose to ignore that. Luckily I told my sister I was upset and she said don't worry you can come to mine which has made me feel better but we were suppose to be at my parents. And I feel Christmas is ruined as she will be majorly stressed. I guess I wouldn't have felt so sad if I weren't a single parent but the thought of being alone with DS just brings me sadness for me and him.

Also one other thing. Recently I mentioned places I would love to go. I can't afford to being a single parent. However the places I mention my mum books as a holiday which I just find strange!

So as to not drip feed I'm currently having counselling for my childhood and how my parents raised us. E.g. toxic dysfunctional family. My mum is alot better and different to the person she was when she was younger but I know bits of her are still there.

OP posts:
user1483387154 · 23/01/2020 08:26

you are being very unfair on your mum.

averythinline · 23/01/2020 08:26

I probably wouldn't want to be with them on Christmas day if she will be a complete travel stress head (my MIL like this and best avoided) ..
maybe do something a few days before with them and DC...

talk to your counsellor but I would see it as an opportunity to be free to set my own days/plans......having grown up with a parent who really struggled and still does with her dysfunctional family and upbringing she invested so much in Christmas -it makes it hard as the DC in that scenario as we felt stuck and trapped as we grew up wanting to do something else .......

you have time to work out a way to deal with that emotional response , but help yourself and your DS - I wish my mum had the insight to get counselling - sooner so be proud of yourself for starting that and hope it works for you.....

Berrymuch · 23/01/2020 08:26

to the extent I had to quit a job which required me to work on christmas day and surrounding days as me and DH always travel to spend christmas with my parents and GP, and even my GP told me I needed to quit as christmas day is non negotionable.

Wow, that's one of the most bizarre things.

OP I'm sure you'll have a great time with your sister, at least your mum hasn't sprung it upon you.

Changeembrace · 23/01/2020 08:27

* I don't think people really get being a single parent and the loneliness you feel over the Christmas period.*

My parents are deceased. Very much alone with my two. And yes there most definitely is loneliness built in to the situation BUT it’s your decision how you deal with it.

  1. Wallow in the loneliness, depend on others and then get upset and cross when their plans don’t fit in with you went.
  1. See the benefits! No hissed arguments with partners (come on mumsnet in relationships in Christmas Day - it’s bloody depressing), you have your parents on Christmas Day, your boy on Boxing Day, you have your sister and... you have you. Make 2020 the year that you feel stronger being you and less dependent on others
Beautiful3 · 23/01/2020 08:29

I'm sorry op but I think you're being unreasonable. You're an adult who heavily relies on her parents. Break that. Try and arrange a life away from them.

custardbear · 23/01/2020 08:31

Sorry not read all TFT but in all honesty I wonder if your problems with your childhood have left you still relying on your parents - you need to learn to be independent and just take them or leave them

They ruined your childhood, just turn around emotionally and walk a new pathway with people you want to be around - glad your sister is having you over though as yes you don't want to be alone at Christmas, no-one does really - good luck but honestly, take a step away and keep your distance, certainly emotionally

GrannyBags · 23/01/2020 08:31

It’s nearly a year away - anything could happen in that time! You could meet the man of your dreams and want to spend Christmas with him. You could (if you are quick) get pregnant and have a baby in that time. You could have a huge agreement with your family and not be speaking to them by then.
YABU

Changeembrace · 23/01/2020 08:32

* and even my GP told me I needed to quit as christmas day is non negotionable*

Bollox the GP did

PurpleDaisies · 23/01/2020 08:33

and even my GP told me I needed to quit as christmas day is non negotionable

GP as in grandparent? That can’t mean doctor.

Willow2017 · 23/01/2020 08:34

Changeembrace
Op means grand parents not her Dr!!

PurpleDaisies · 23/01/2020 08:38

@LittleDragonGirl was the job quitter, not the op.

Can you clarify which GP you meant?

AllyBamma · 23/01/2020 08:39

OP you are not the only who here who can appreciate how hard it is to be a single parent and you really need to get over yourself. Your mum has given you nearly a years notice, let her enjoy her holiday. And you’re not going to be alone, you’re going to your sisters, problem solved!
Don’t ask AIBU if you aren’t prepared to be told YABU.

longearedbat · 23/01/2020 08:39

op, I wonder if it's more to do with the fact that you feel you should have been invited on said holiday, especially as it is one had your eye on as a dream hol?
Also, you couldn't have been given much more notice! Did your mother know how you would react, so is making sure you've got time to get used to the idea?
It really is time to start making your own Christmas. I know my (deceased) parents got rather fed up with Christmas once we were all adults, and wanted to do what THEY wanted to do, alone, not cater for the rest of the family. I quite understand that now - it does get tedious doing the same thing every year just because it's expected of you and, you know, it's 'faaamily'.....
We are going away next Christmas, sounds like heaven.
I'm afraid you are bu.

ButterisbestLangClegisbetter · 23/01/2020 08:42

I thought it was her doctor too!

Changeembrace · 23/01/2020 08:42

Ha!

But even with Grandparents it’s a very very odd story!

Wingedserpentfliesbynight · 23/01/2020 08:43

ANother YABU - you have time to make plans, and alternative offers,
This is perhaps something to discuss with a counsellor? Why you're feeling like this and how you can deal with the extreme feelings that you're having?

Notsure94 · 23/01/2020 08:47

I've spent Christmas both totally on my own when the kids were at their dads and alone with the children being the one to make Xmas happen with no help. Not ideal but can't be helped.

I think it's lovely if you can rock up to someone else's house and be hosted but honestly it shouldn't be an expectation.

You've got a plan in place now so try not to dwell on it. Plenty of time for you to make more nice plans around the holiday Flowers

INeedNewShoes · 23/01/2020 08:48

I understand a bit of disappointment about your mum choosing to go away at Christmas, but I feel it is our responsibility as single parents to create our own traditions around Christmas for our children (including how you do Boxing Day) that aren't relying on our parents who we can't expect to spend every single Christmas with us.

DD is only 2 and we haven't been alone at Christmas yet but when the time comes I can imagine a lovely day doing exactly what suits DD and I. We would still have a Christmas dinner and a celebratory day but with fewer people around we'd probably have more time available to us so would fit in a good walk, more playing together with her new toys, watching a Christmas film etc.

Pollypocket952 · 23/01/2020 08:49

For fuck sake ... it's JANUARY!!!
Grow up. People have lives. It doesn't always revolve around you.
This is why I can't stand Christmas, all the drama, the tantrums .... from grown adults.
It's one day. One fecking day.

One day and you are an adult.

Grow up & stop being so unreasonable.

LizzieSiddal · 23/01/2020 08:51

Flowers speak to your counsellor, they will help you work this out.

Frenchw1fe · 23/01/2020 08:52

@LittleDragonGirl please come back. We need to know more about your weird family.

MapMyMum · 23/01/2020 08:53

I think the main issue here is that you seem to think time alone just you and your son isnt a good thing. Why is that? It could be sending the wrong message to your ds if you dont relish time alone together. Make boxing day special for the two of you, whether its going for a walk to the playground, feeding the birds, going out for dinner if you like.
I think you need to change your idea of what the perfect christmas is, it happens to us all when we become parents, and especially when we are single parents. When I was a single mum, I used to save up treats like watching a film together etc. Obviously it depends on how old ds is but you have almost a year to plan a lovely snuggly day together.
I get it op, it's hard, and you sound fairly young? It takes some getting used to, but you can do it. As for Christmas day, plan some treats for you, a long hot bath or shower, do your nails, read a book, whatever it is that makes you feel happy or relaxed. If your parents are toxic then Id use this as a catalyst to work on enjoying being in my own company and making life work best for you without needing other people to always be there. You can do it!!

Pollypocket952 · 23/01/2020 08:54

This >>> with bells on >>>

but I feel it is our responsibility as single parents to create our own traditions around Christmas for our children (including how you do Boxing Day) that aren't relying on our parents who we can't expect to spend every single Christmas with us.

Greenwingmemories · 23/01/2020 08:54

I get OP this is all connected to your toxic childhood and your hopes that your parents will somehow make up for it by being there for you now. The sad fact is, they won't. That on its own can feel very lonely. Hopefully, working through it with your counsellor will help you to come to terms with that and you'll feel much more resilient and able to deal with your mother still letting you down, or even withdraw from her a bit so she can't give you the chance to let you down.

Willow2017 · 23/01/2020 08:56

LittleDragonGirl was the job quitter, not the op.
Yes sorry i know but GP was grand parents in that context I presume.