DH doesn't want to fly with me to visit my family

[happychange]

My family live the other side of the world, think Australia way. I'm having baby no 2 soon, and taking a year out for Mat leave. I would love for our two kids to spend an extended time back home with my family, over 1-2 months, while I have the time.

I did this and flew solo on my own with DC1, but a bit hesitant to fly solo on my own with 2 kids.

I mentioned this to DH and asked if he could fly with me in Dec say to help with the two kids on a flight, and then come back in February to pick us up again. He would of course have a couple of weeks in a hot summer weather as well.

He scoffed at this suggestion, and asked if I could ask my family instead to do it. At which point, I got a bit annoyed - why on earth, if he can't be arsed to do it, would someone in my family want to do it??

AIBU to expect him to do this? Or should I fly solo again with the two kids? Or ask my family to help?

FWIW, I'm 34 weeks pregnant and he's been home late from work every night this past two weeks, which has also annoyed me no end. He's not around to help with DC1, so this latest comment has made me wonder why I don't just go solo and do it all alone.

Just go without him, you will be fine

I feel a little sorry for the bashing the op’s husband had getting here. If you read her latest posts rather than just her opening one, he’s a very hands on dad when he’s home very single weekend, he gets 4 weeks holiday off a year, gets a bonus paid holiday being Xmas and New Year, and there doesn’t seem to be any issue with him apart from the working. The thing is is that’s exactly what he’s doing- working late to provide for his family, you’re all acting like he’s abandoning her to go out on the piss every night!

Where is everyone getting two years from for working late? Opening post says last two weeks working late

From an updated comment where OP says he works late and is now working till 10 pm every night. And that before then he always got home at 6 pm. He has only done this since the DC. And both DP and OP earn the same.

It seems a bit bizarre that you are planning to spend a couple of months away from him when his second child has just been born, how does he feel about that?

YABU to expect him to fly halfway around the world 4 times.

He IBU to stay so late at work. He's taking the piss.

I did the exact same thing, spent 2.5 months of maternity leave in my home country (Europe) with husband staying in NZ. I took a 3 month and 3 year old with mem
To those who say that they couldn't be away from partner for 2 months, that it means no affection: not the case at all. I have a very happy marriage. But I also miss my family and I hate the fact my kids get so little time with them.
The trip worked out really well. We had a great time, my 3 year old attended a local kindergarten for a few hours everyday, my younger child was a content easy baby and, staying with my parents, I had lots of free time to catch up with old friends.
I didn't fly on my own, mother-in-law came with us, then had a holiday before going back. My husband then came towards the end of our stay, had a few weeks holiday then we all flew back. He missed us a lot but he understood how valuable that time was for me.
Btw after that I have flown multiple times with the children on my own, this was years ago. Past toddlerhood it gets easy.

Op you mentioned he does have the option to Work from home in the evenings but chooses to stay in work because the monitor is bigger? This is bizarre and unacceptable when you have a family. If he really needs to work he can put up with the smaller screen so he can be with his wife and kids.

you want him to fly to the other side of the world and back just to accompany a flight? I don't think I'd be up for that either. 24 hours on a plane with 2 children to then go to work while you jolly it up for 2 months in the sun

I don't really want to travel an hour with my husband to see his family, never mind a long haul flight.

Just sayin'

As someone with one foreign parent, I understand it is really hard. I haven't read the whole thread but I feel for the OP. She has made her life here (presumably in her husband's country) and is away from her family all the time. Especially when I was growing up, my mother found it very hard being away from her family and friends. Whilst it is undoubtedly hard for her husband to do two long haul flights, if that is what she feels she needs in terms of support and they can afford it, I don't think she is unreasonable to ask. Is it really so bad for the op to want her children to spend 2 months in her country with her family when there is facetime etc and her husband could stay for a couple of weeks? She is unlikely to have many other opportunities for extended stays.

Tbh in your situation, I'd stay in Australia longer than 2 months.

How enjoyable will it be to come home to an empty house.

Traditional idiotic bosses are not in line with equality.

People who aren't ex-pats will struggle to understand this one. When DS was born my DH flew with us to my family. He stayed two weeks and came back to the UK. I stayed 2 months and got the support I needed. He worked long hours and I felt very alone. Every summer I take our kids back to my home country and we stay twice as long as DH. BUT DH has always pulled his weight and he was happy to come with me on the flight. I always do the the return journey back to the UK alone.

Why doesnt he buy a bigger monitor for home then? (Buy him on for xmas/ birthday present!

@SandyY2K it's not always the bosses fault. Some things need to get done on the day. Some people need to set off at a fixed time to pick up children that means the people that can be more flexible need to do it. Waiting until the next day is not always an option if clients expect the work to be done by the end of that day. Leaving it would mean clients potentially going to the compatition

@lovepickledlimes But he has only had to stay late since he had a child. He never stayed late before then. And Op does not say he has a different boss.

@lovepickledlimes

But working till 10pm every day isn't compatible with family life.

I accept it may be required sometimes, but this has become his new normal.

It's not good enough leaving your spouse to do pretty much all the parenting.

I agree with pp...he should buy a larger monitor. He can surely work that out. It's hardly rocket science.

Can you use the money you don't spend in his flights to upgrade? Bet it's easier flying two littluns in business class.

How long has he been working these hours OP? You said 2 weeks initially but now PP are saying it has been since you had DC.

@SandyY2K what if an arrangement like that allows at least one parent a senior or managerial role that would mean 2-3 times the income they have now? surely that means the whole family benefits from this set up

I think yabu but understand why. I would expect dh to meet you half way and take you over and spend some time as a holiday or come pick you up spending some time beforehand. It is unreasonable to expect him to pick you up and drop you off because it is such a distance not to mention the expense and pollution.

what if an arrangement like that allows at least one parent a senior or managerial role that would mean 2-3 times the income they have now? surely that means the whole family benefits from this set up

If it’s with the agreement of all parties it can work. But because of the work it puts on the other adult to cover most domestic commitments (and the consequent hit on that person’s financial, physical and emotional capacity) it can’t reasonably be taken on unilaterally.

@BoomBoomsCousin of course this needs to be something agreed to by both parties. It is a lot of sole responsibilities on both shoulders. Being the main or sole bread winner must be a lot of pressure too. This would not work for everyone and needs to be carefully discussed before having kids

The work thing is unacceptable. If I were you I'd take the 30 hour trip and never go back. What's the point?