DH doesn't want to fly with me to visit my family

[happychange]

My family live the other side of the world, think Australia way. I'm having baby no 2 soon, and taking a year out for Mat leave. I would love for our two kids to spend an extended time back home with my family, over 1-2 months, while I have the time.

I did this and flew solo on my own with DC1, but a bit hesitant to fly solo on my own with 2 kids.

I mentioned this to DH and asked if he could fly with me in Dec say to help with the two kids on a flight, and then come back in February to pick us up again. He would of course have a couple of weeks in a hot summer weather as well.

He scoffed at this suggestion, and asked if I could ask my family instead to do it. At which point, I got a bit annoyed - why on earth, if he can't be arsed to do it, would someone in my family want to do it??

AIBU to expect him to do this? Or should I fly solo again with the two kids? Or ask my family to help?

FWIW, I'm 34 weeks pregnant and he's been home late from work every night this past two weeks, which has also annoyed me no end. He's not around to help with DC1, so this latest comment has made me wonder why I don't just go solo and do it all alone.

aSofaNearYou, this man gets home from work at 10pm every night for very dubious reasons, and only sees his existing child, not to mention his wife, at weekends.

I think we can safely assume he will merely shrug.

Op, you say in your update you are slowly checking out of your marriage. You might go 'home' and realise life in the UK is not for you?

Buy a cheap monitor, keyboard and mouse and plug all three into his laptop et voila.... a pc just like the one at work!

@MrHaroldFry are you advocating this idea or just querying? Op, you say in your update you are slowly checking out of your marriage. You might go 'home' and realise life in the UK is not for you?

@TitianaTitsling as the ? indicates, it was a question

@mathanxiety I wasn't asking to defend her husband, my follow up was going to be that if he is not bothered by her going away for months with his child and newborn then they have bigger problems than the flights. He seems bizarrely uninterested in his kids.

He is avoiding being at home. Before skids he was at home around 6. Since having kids it is closer to 10. He says he doesn't like his laptop screen so he could work from home, so get a bigger monitor. Either he is dumb or he doesn't want to. Instead he is blaming the boss being traditional. He wasn't traditional before there were kids? Him not wanting to be at home is the problem you need to work on. I'm not the one calling out for councillors but you might benefit from having a professional present to support with the bs.

The thought of being stuck here on my own with 2 kids in the depths of winter is not very appealing

Good grief, anyone would think the UK was in the Arctic Circle and people were getting snowed in.

Unless you're quite far north, the UK winter is pretty mild.I concede that I'm near the south coast, but we've only had 3 or 4 frosts so far and it's already light till 5pm on bright days.

Op actually said it’s been going on for about a year, so presumably he spent the first 2 yrs of dc1 life coming home at a reasonable time

@lakielady but not everyone is from the UK and have different experiences...

Personally i have spent 35 years overseas and the lack of light in the UK winter keeps me from moving back. Love the summers though..

I flew to Spain from UK with a 3 month old and a just turned 2 year old. The baby screamed all the way. It was awful

It sounds utterly horrendous, but Spain is a relatively short flight.

I can't imagine many babies managing to scream for the entire duration of a flight to Oz!

it's not always the bosses fault. Some things need to get done on the day

And as OP's DH's company is buying a US company, some of that work may require him to be available during the US day. I can easily see how he might need to be at the office till late into the evening.

Not every night though.

He's not home until 10 every night.
Not bothered that you and newborn and toddler are going away for 2 months.

Either very lazy or having an affair.

Do you even like each other?

If I planned to go away for so long especially with the DC, DH would be spending as much time as possible with us. He would either fly out with us and spend a few weeks or come out at the end of the trip so he could fly back with us.

No, I wouldn't expect my DH to accompany me. I would put on my big girl pants and go without him. And I'd use my time away wisely. Sounds to me as if you need to do a great deal of thinking about your marriage and that needs quiet and privacy. And what better place to do it than in the bright sunshine where someone else can watch your children while you do?

I'm not going to weigh in on either side. There was a period in my marriage where DH worked away and at times I felt like I was doing all the hard work whereas he swanned in at the weekends. But he felt that I was the lucky one because I was with the DC day to day for their triumphs and tragedies whereas he could only 'watch from afar'. Not your situation, I know, but your DH will have 'his side', right or wrong. Perhaps counseling might help, perhaps not. Perhaps all his time at work is his way of checking out, as you are beginning to do.

But if you really and truly aren't happy, then you need to weigh the pros and cons of staying the marriage vs going it alone. And bear in mind that returning to Oz with the DC to live, if that idea comes to mind, will be very unlikely to happen since (I assume) their habitual residence is the UK and DH (whatever his flaws) would have to agree. Not that it would stop me from asking, mind, I just wouldn't set my heart on it.

Good luck.

Good grief, anyone would think the UK was in the Arctic Circle and people were getting snowed in
Here in the arctic circle the winters are beautiful and there are so much things to do with kids compared to places with mild winters. Also we don't get snowed in

He's not around to help with DC1, so this latest comment has made me wonder why I don't just go solo and do it all alone

He comes home around 10pm every night, leaves at 8am. Drives me crazy as I do all childcare on my own. He doesn't see DC now other than the weekend anyway, and I get no help during the week

I've spoken to him about it but his excuse is that his boss is very traditional and doesn't see that it's the mans job to do pick ups from nursery. He then tries for a bit to leave earlier but eventually it slips and becomes later and later

It's obvious- he doesn't want to be an involved parent. He certainly doesn't want the responsibility of it - and is happy to use his work as an excuse.
Despite all this - you let him get you pregnant again cos that's a great idea! That will certainly iron out all your marital and parenting issues!

You're consciously making your own bed - so sleep in it.
You're choosing to keep having kids with a man who is not supportive of you at all , and where you know the work all falls on you.
So if you can't handle flying on your own with two kids - don't go. Save it for another time.
Husband not pulling his weight?
You've tried the reasonable approach, now give him an ultimatum - shape up or ship out.

This guy is actively avoiding being a responsible parent and spouse...he chooses to be out/at work/with anyone else rather than be with you/his child.
You are very much a lone parent.
Neither of you is actually dealing with or prioritising the problems in your marriage.

As for not being able to manage the depths of winter with 2 DC, seriously- where do you live? Siberia? [hmm)
I'm guessing you were a drama school kid - or just love amateur dramatics? Or maybe it's just an excuse to have a holiday for 2 months?
Don't worry about DC1 missing their dad or how a 2 month separation might effect them - it's not like they know the guy, he's just a sperm donor who lives in their house.

Monkeymonkey2010, you sound like an unpleasant know-it-all, with worryingly low insight.

Nothing like kicking someone when she's down, eh? There are lots of reasons a woman might be willing to have a second baby. Some men do a very good line in apology, effort for a few months, giving the illusion of commitment and Mr Good Dad and Reliable Husband.

I don't think you are being unreasonable to ask him to accompany you on at least one of the legs of the journey. At the end of the day, you are a long long way from your family. If you are Australian and he is English it is a huge sacrifice to be so far away from family. If he really loved you and wanted to support you, he would want to help facilitate your relationship with your family not to mention the kids knowing them. Given he can't be bothered to even put his kids to bed most nights it's not surprising that he won't do this either. His excuses about the size of his laptop are just that, excuses. He does sound like he had completely checked out.

Your marriage is in trouble and personally I think that needs to be a priority for you both.