DH doesn't want to fly with me to visit my family

[happychange]

My family live the other side of the world, think Australia way. I'm having baby no 2 soon, and taking a year out for Mat leave. I would love for our two kids to spend an extended time back home with my family, over 1-2 months, while I have the time.

I did this and flew solo on my own with DC1, but a bit hesitant to fly solo on my own with 2 kids.

I mentioned this to DH and asked if he could fly with me in Dec say to help with the two kids on a flight, and then come back in February to pick us up again. He would of course have a couple of weeks in a hot summer weather as well.

He scoffed at this suggestion, and asked if I could ask my family instead to do it. At which point, I got a bit annoyed - why on earth, if he can't be arsed to do it, would someone in my family want to do it??

AIBU to expect him to do this? Or should I fly solo again with the two kids? Or ask my family to help?

FWIW, I'm 34 weeks pregnant and he's been home late from work every night this past two weeks, which has also annoyed me no end. He's not around to help with DC1, so this latest comment has made me wonder why I don't just go solo and do it all alone.

I have done 8 hour flights with a 3 yo and baby - it's doable, and often people will extend a helping hand which makes it a little easier. Don't depend on cabin crew.

I would go if I were you. Enjoy your family, the weather, the company and the help. It gets very difficult to take a child abroad for a longer spell once they start school, especially when there are different seasons to take into account.

The bigger picture here is your H's late evenings - I would put money on an affair, sorry.

'darling, would you drop me and the kids off in Australia and then come and pick us up in 2 months?'

You aren't going into town. This is a preposterous idea.

You might want to look into Sky coach by Air New Zealand - it sounds cheaper than your DH making 2 or more unnecessary flights.

Flights aside, the pick up is a crazy idea, how does he feel about not seeing his dc for that long? I’d not want that.

If you want to go you should be able to handle the flight on your own.

So you are taking the kids away from 2 months from him, a time when he should especially be bonding with his second child. Surely this is not something he is very happy with, but he is accepting to compromise for you so you get to spend time with your family in summer time and have a good time.

But that's not enough for you, you expect him to spend to do two trips just to make your life even easier and better? It's not all about you, what about what he gets from all this? Or do you consider your OH's role just to make you happy, regardless of the impact on him?

I can imagine my DH’s reaction if I asked him to “pick me up” from Australia!

There are separate issues here. I’ve gone to Australia for 6 weeks on both mat leaves, we all fly out together, dp stays and we visit family for3 weeks (over Christmas so just over two weeks leave) and then I stay another 3 and fly back solo with the one then two dc. The assumption is that I get no sleep for the 30 hours travel and I pack muesli bars as I can’t eat the meals around the dc necessarily. Dp picks us up at the airport with a thermos of tea for me and we go home and I go to bed. I fly in early sat so there’s a weekend he can be resident parent as we both agree ive had the hardest job by far.
However you have a different problem. My dh is in construction so not known for its modern thinking and gender balance. He leaves early 3-4 times a week to do the pick up because we share parenting. You need to simply make yourself unavailable several times a week from here on and how he manages work around it is his problem, because he’s a parent too. I’d expect my dh to quit if he can’t balance parenting and the job because we had the children together and we parent together.

Really sorry Id be searching for the OW.

He could do one way and your family could help you on the return journey? That seems more sensible. I don't blame him for not wanting to do 4 long haul flights in 2 months. I'd hate it. The jet lag would be horrific (I assume he's working)

I think you’ve got bigger problems in your marriage than him not wanting to take 4 long haul flights just to accompany you to visit your family.

It sounds to me like he’s checked out of family life from what you’ve said.

A man who isn’t fussed about being away from his wife and children for two months, especially his newborn child, is not one who particularly cares about them very much if you want my honest opinion.

Mind you, if he hardly plays a role in any of your lives then he’s probably joyous at the thought of 2 months home alone. My guess is he won’t be working much overtime then...

Go on your holiday, enjoy the sun and spending time with your family and I’m sure it will give you some clarity on how you see your future with your husband panning out....

I’d not do this either for another adult. If you can’t make the journey alone don’t go. Invite your family over to yours instead.

It sounds like there is more to this is you’ll happily leave him for months on end especially with his newborn.

Oh don't be so goady and cruel @SunsetYorks !!

Bloody Mumsnet

Wait until the kids are older. I wouldn't want to go with tiny kids, either and they won't benefit, they won't remember any of it. Can your family visit you instead?

Just go alone, I did this with my 2, it was fine - BA booked me assistance (ok not Australia so only one flight) we were escorted through passport control, driven through airport and cabin crew helped me onboard. Fellow passengers always were rather keen to help me, at some points I had neither dd (dd1 was being read to dd2 cuddled by very willing volunteers!)

OP, as has been clearly identified, the problem is him / your marriage, not the flights.

You need to talk. Tell him how you are feeling and that you feel your relationship is slipping away. Ask how he feels about the new baby coming. Is he worried about the financial responsibility? Tell him you feel alone.

Talk, ask, listen, say how you feel when he stays later and later night after night.

Tell him you need to get your relationship back on track before the new baby.

Would he go to couples counselling?

We have no idea whether the Op's dh is happy that she's going for 2months or upset.
If I said to dh I was doing that, he'd be upset, but if I really wanted to would probably support me in going. Wouldn't do the flights both ways though.

I can understand why your husband would not want to do 4 long haul flights with 2 young children. Neither would I but I don't have family abroad. Can one of them come over to the UK and you go back with them? I think the marriage is more of a concern in that you feel unsupported and maybe he feels like you are happy to abandon him for months. A conversation is needed.

YABU.

Woman up and do it yourself. It’s 2 small kids, I doubt it will be the best fun you’ll ever have had but it won’t be that bad either. I don’t know what it is with people these days, no resilience to be able to take on challenges without having someone to help them. Expecting someone to take 2 flights on their own to the other side of the world and back to chaperone you is beyond ridiculous.

We have no idea whether the Op's dh is happy that she's going for 2months or upset.
If I said to dh I was doing that, he'd be upset, but if I really wanted to would probably support me in going.

Possibly.

But on the flip side.....the OP is happy to be away from her husband for two months for the sake of a holiday visiting her family.

There is no way I would ever want to be away from my husband for that long unless it was absolutely completely necessary.

Visiting family does not take 2 months so I think the OP needs to ask herself why she’s happy to be away from her husband for that long when she doesn’t actually need to be.

I don’t sit in any judgement at all - as the OP has said, it’s not like she gets any support at home and doesn’t feel like she’s part of a team, or that she sees her husband so why wouldn’t she want to go? Fair play to her. But the fact she’s happy to be away from him for so long does say a lot and she needs to work out what that is.

I wonder if any of the posters that are telling you to man up have actually flown to Australia. I live here and fly often. However my kids are a bit older. I flew to Spain from UK with a 3 month old and a just turned 2 year old. The baby screamed all the way. It was awful . So stressful. It's not easy flying alone especially if you have a baby that cries a lot. Let's try and be a bit more understanding towards the OP.

Sure many times - re flying to Aus. As an Aus in London for Over twenty years. With dc and without Dh at certain times. Lots of friends in the same position.

It is hard no doubt, and I’m getting less keen to do it alone. But it doesn’t require her Dh to pick her up. That is ridiculous.

Also business was very expensive to me. £9k for the op and her dc - so I’m wondering re peoples figures for upgrade.

Luckily the dc weren’t screamers /criers though, that is hell for everyone. They mostly just bf and slept when young.

Mind you, if he hardly plays a role in any of your lives then he’s probably joyous at the thought of 2 months home alone. My guess is he won’t be working much overtime then

Agree with this, going by your updates

Could he fly over with you and spend a week or two there and then a family member fly back with you and spend a week or two with you at home?

Is he the sort of person to just say no since it wasn't his idea but once he's had time to think about it he will see the positives in it?

I think a lot of this will depend on what your new babies temperament will be like. You might find that they are a really good sleeper so travelling back on your own will be fine. Maybe you could decide once baby arrives so you know what you're dealing with.