DH doesn't want to fly with me to visit my family

[happychange]

My family live the other side of the world, think Australia way. I'm having baby no 2 soon, and taking a year out for Mat leave. I would love for our two kids to spend an extended time back home with my family, over 1-2 months, while I have the time.

I did this and flew solo on my own with DC1, but a bit hesitant to fly solo on my own with 2 kids.

I mentioned this to DH and asked if he could fly with me in Dec say to help with the two kids on a flight, and then come back in February to pick us up again. He would of course have a couple of weeks in a hot summer weather as well.

He scoffed at this suggestion, and asked if I could ask my family instead to do it. At which point, I got a bit annoyed - why on earth, if he can't be arsed to do it, would someone in my family want to do it??

AIBU to expect him to do this? Or should I fly solo again with the two kids? Or ask my family to help?

FWIW, I'm 34 weeks pregnant and he's been home late from work every night this past two weeks, which has also annoyed me no end. He's not around to help with DC1, so this latest comment has made me wonder why I don't just go solo and do it all alone.

Agree with the other posters who say asking dh to do four flights is a bit much. The suggestion that he do one with you is good. If you end up doing one by yourself i'm sure it will be ok. My sister lives in Australia and has done this with a baby and two year old alone. I've also flown out to see her with my 3 year old twins on my own. Not the most enjoyable experience of my life but survivable! (and we had an extra flight on the end of the two to aus). I'm a bit at people who are suggesting you have marriage issues because you are willing to be apart from dh for two months. I don't think they appreciate that it's hard living so far away from other family. Maternity leave is s great chance for an extended visit.

@Taytotots OP also says she is wanting to go there because husband is physically unavailable during the week meaning she does all the child care in that time with no support

@lovepickledlimes yes absolutely agree op needs to have a straight conversation with dh about day to day taking his fair share of household/child stuff and coming home late. However, people have also said just being willing to spend extended periods away is a sign of trouble which I don't think is true.

Agree with PP that asking DH to do 4 flights is too much - spending a week or two there and doing one flight with you sounds reasonable.

However you also need to work on what it is you and DH want and how you're going to handle family life. If he's hiding in the office that's bad. If his boss is "traditional" tough shit, boss.

But to get your DH to step up you probably both need to make a plan - that you both agree on - and stick to it. You'll probably both have to compromise on things, but that's how families work.

People are saying there is an OW!? Based on what? That a man is working? Those pesky men, always cheating.
Some people do feel incredible pressure to work as much as they can especially if there may be a reward for the hard work at the end. You can't have a go at someone for working hard.

The issue regarding flights is crazy. You're leaving him for a couple of months, with his children to spend time in the sun. All he gets to show for it is long haul flights. If he is going to be spending a week or two with you, then you will at least get help with one journey but to expect him to come back again is ludicrous. It's a waste of money and bad for the environment.

@Taytotots I think it depends on the situation. Of course any healthy relationship should cope with that amount of time away from each other. I had to leave fiancé for a month to look after a family member that needed me but I would not volunteer to spend that time apart because I would miss him too much. My ex I did so frequently and did not mind as I did not care that much if I spend time together or not as I had emotionally check-out by that point and could not care less what he was up to.

I was cautious to say what I am going to, and then scrolled down first, and realised others had the same opinion. Isn't it a long old flight to Australia?! Never mind for your DH, but also yourself, if you go with two kids. It is a lot of money expecting him to fly you there, okay stay a bit, then fly back, then fly out again to collect you. We are not talking about a bus or tube journey! I understand you wanting to go out to your family, but I think you will need to make sure there will be lots of help the other side etc, once there.
And just make sure he is doing more at home, as you mention him back late recently, and therefore not helping, and you are pregnant also.

Sounds like you're both checking out of the marriage. Your comment that if he doesn't help with childcare you may as well not be married, indicates that that's all that it means to you.

His staying away as long as possible daily indicates that he too is out.

What made you decide to have another child together or was it unplanned?

Either way you need to talk to one another because it looks like it's over bar the Formalities and you're basically just house mates.

He would of course have a couple of weeks in a hot summer weather as well.

The OP clearly says this in her post.

@Lifeasweknow The OP's DP has only started working till 10 pm since has has had kids. Before that he was home at 6 pm every night. Same job. He is either choosing to hang about the office late, having an affair, or hanging out somewhere else.
And I am sure most of us have seen men of young kids hanging out at the office late to avoid bedtime. I certainly have.

@karencantobe work priorities can change. Especially if someone is looking for a promotion. The opportunities may not have always been there. I just think its unfair to start throwing around cheating accusations with no basis, even if he is doing it to avoid childcare. I'm not saying its not a shit thing to do, but we have no idea what the real reasons are.

Sure we don't know he is cheating, but he is certainly avoiding coming home.
He has been working these extra hours for 2-years and no promotion. I think the promotion thing is a lie. Also OP earns the same amount as her DP. What about her chance for a promotion?

It’s very late home if he’s trying to miss out on dc they’d be asleep much earlier I assume. Hanging around work instead of lounging around at home doesn’t sound that appealing.

@karencantobe what would be the point in both working no over time or only some and neither getting the promotions? having one parent focus on career will in the long term mean more money for the family in total. Working as a team does not mean both have the same responsibilities but working together in the most efficient way to benefit the entire family.

Because him working late for 2 years has had zero impact. After 2 years of working late 4 hours later every night than he was doing before, I would expect to see some outcome.

As I said earlier in the thread, I have worked late and seen guys in the office watching football on the computer, who are open that they are avoiding going home until the kids are in bed and asleep.
But good point that if kids are asleep before 10, you would have expected him to come home sooner. So maybe he is having an affair?

Anyone who thinks this man is genuinely working late for a vague promotion, is very naive.

The thought of being stuck here on my own with 2 kids in the depths of winter is not very appealing
I really feel sorry for the kids. One father would prefer work than spending time with his child, a mother who consider time with children not appealing unless she get the sun and plenty of childcare. Are these really wanted?

I worked ft when my kids were little and when I was due to go on maternity leave with number 2, I was over the moon at the prospect of spending all my time with my children, and that 2as with a partner commuting for almost 5 hours a day, so not around during the week either and giving birth end of December.

You think wanting to be in the sun and spend time somewhere where family help with the kids means the kids are not wanted. I am doing a massive eyeroll as this is just a ridiculous statement.

My kids are obviously not wanted as I would rather spend time with them in nice weather than in a cold and dark climate as well. My poor poor kids.

You think wanting to be in the sun and spend time somewhere where family help with the kids means the kids are not wanted. I am doing a massive eyeroll as this is just a ridiculous statement.

I know right?

@Dontdisturbmenow for fucks sake get a grip Mary Poppins

You could pay someone as a travel companion / nanny

www.universalaunts.co.uk

You are misreading the quote. It's not about sun and help not being a nice prospect, it's about a mum saying that looking after her children in the winter UK is deemed being stuck with them and unappealing.

You can look forward to something without thinking the alternative is not appealing!

Dontdisturb And you extrapolated that to saying that means her kids are not wanted. Which was a ridiculous and hurtful thing to say.

Well I found it hard to read. Funny how the extrapolation was picked up when it relates to OPs word but no such concern about the extrapolation that the father works late to avoid spending time with his kids.

People have suggested various reasons he may be working late including seeking promotion. I have said I don't believe this is about promotion. It is either an affair or avoiding the kids bedtime. Sure it is a guess, but given it only started when they had kids, there has been no promotion and no big project at work, I think it is a reasonable guess.

What the ...

Sounds like your DH is deliberately staying long hours to avoid helping with day to day childcare. That or he's having an affair. Have you called his office when he's working late to check he is actually there?