DH doesn't want to fly with me to visit my family

[happychange]

My family live the other side of the world, think Australia way. I'm having baby no 2 soon, and taking a year out for Mat leave. I would love for our two kids to spend an extended time back home with my family, over 1-2 months, while I have the time.

I did this and flew solo on my own with DC1, but a bit hesitant to fly solo on my own with 2 kids.

I mentioned this to DH and asked if he could fly with me in Dec say to help with the two kids on a flight, and then come back in February to pick us up again. He would of course have a couple of weeks in a hot summer weather as well.

He scoffed at this suggestion, and asked if I could ask my family instead to do it. At which point, I got a bit annoyed - why on earth, if he can't be arsed to do it, would someone in my family want to do it??

AIBU to expect him to do this? Or should I fly solo again with the two kids? Or ask my family to help?

FWIW, I'm 34 weeks pregnant and he's been home late from work every night this past two weeks, which has also annoyed me no end. He's not around to help with DC1, so this latest comment has made me wonder why I don't just go solo and do it all alone.

I am sorry OP but it is fairly obvious he is staying away during the week to avoid childcare. A man in my office does this too and is quite open about doing so. He hangs around watching football on his PC until he knows the kids are in bed, and then he heads home.
It is not about his boss being traditional if his working hours only increased since you had kids. I don't think I could forgive my DP for behaving like that.

Something is rotten in the state of Denmark.

You might just get an au pair going back one way or the other. I'd contact au pair world and put it to them and see what they say. An extra pair of hands would go a long way.

I do think you probably need to figure out if your husband is having an affair or not though. 10pm really isn't normal! It's also not normal for him not to be bothered about not seeing his newborn for months on end...

I don't think an au pair or similar would be much use when on the plane. Your kids will still turn to you for things rather than a stranger they have just met.

Is he really at the office until 10pm every night

I'd be checking that out!

On your other issues YANBU, on the flights issue specifically YABU. Yes, it will be tough but it's 24 hours. Think of the cost. You'll save £1000 per return journey. Take it and use it to relax when you get back. That's one hell of a spa day.

Getting to and from the airport and getting bags checked etc will be half the problem, so get him to drop you off and meet you at the airport, and a family member to do the same at the other end.

I have male colleagues in the office who work late to avoid going home to cook dinner and do childcare. They joke about it, I see them go round chatting to people really wasting time. YABU about the 2 Australian flights but YANBU that he's a shit dad and husband. I'd go to Australia and not come back tbh.

Having him accompany you at least one way would be very normal in my circle of friends (live overseas so lots of people go here and there to see family, especially during mat leave). That said, you can totally do it alone. The newborn will be a doddle on the flight - it is the older one but there are lots of ways to entertain. You could also split up the flight with a night in hotel somewhere.

He sounds like a knob.

So you want to go to Australia for 1-2 months, you want your dh to fly there with you go back home then fly back to bring you home? Seriously? So I’m thinking this as if I’m in your dhs situation I wouldn’t care about flying to Australia with you but I would definitely not be flying back to essentially pick you up and bring you home. Secondly I would NOT be happy (actually I’d be seething) that you thought it was ok to disappear with my two very young kids (and one a newborn) for 1-2 months, wow you what sun in the winter who doesn’t why does your need for sun trump my right to bond with my newborn baby? Why can you not just go over Christmas for 2-3 weeks with you dh and then come home with your dh as most people do when they go on holiday?

And just to add I say that as someone who’s family live a plane journey away, I have never taken dd away to see them without my dh for longer than 7 days and he FaceTimed everyday twice most days.

I think it is a great idea for you to get away from him for a while. Either invite a friend or as he suggested as a family member to come fly along. He doesn't appear to have time for a family, so you going to yours is the smart call.

How old is DC1, check out flight rules about flying with two little children. 10byears ago I couldn't fly with 2 under 2 by myself.

his excuse is that his boss is very traditional and doesn't see that it's the mans job to do pick ups from nursery.

Two things here -

1. Has he ever broached this with his boss? Or is this his "impression"? Because I would bet he's never really tried to have a discussion about worklife balance.
2. Even if he has, it's not his boss's decision whether it's your DH's job or not. Unless everyone in the office stays until that time of night or gets sacked/fails to progress your DH is just using it as an excuse. And if it is that kind of office he ought to be looking for a different job because he has (almost!) two kids now and it's not a job that's suitable for the life he has created for himself with you.

Could he go over with you, then you have a family holiday before he leaves? Then you spend however long planned with your family.

Then couldn't some of your family come over for a holiday here? Staying in an Airbnb so things dont get too crowded?

Single parents fly with their children alone constantly, you are more than capable of this. I think YABU, I wouldn’t want to fly all the way to Oz basically to be a chaperone and then fly back alone a couple of weeks later. I don’t blame him for not liking the idea.

"I mean why do women endlessly have children with men who just don’t seem that fussed about them"

you got me, there!

I flew with three three and under. It wasn't much fun though they were beautifully behaved; they just didn't sleep at the same time. The baby didn't have a seat but was apparently 'too big' for the sky cot so we didn't have the bulkhead seats I'd asked for going out, though we did on the way back when she was even bigger! Because my tray couldn't go down, they never served me but kept promising to come back when one of the older ones had finished but they always forgot.

Go it alone and choose one of the big airlines who will help. Singapore cabin crew are baby mad. Why put DH through four long flights - well, eight, actually - unless you're 100% sure he won't be sound asleep while you're left baby-wrangling!

Are you Australian and your husband English? If so I think what posters dont realise is the massive compromise you have made for him. You are so far away from family and he isn't. So asking him to help you spend some time at home is reasonable. Maybe you can fly there by yourself a d then he can join you for a holiday at the end. I know how it feels to be on the other side of the world from family and it's really hard

I think it’s too much to ask him to chaperone you and therefore have to take four long distance flights himself! Not only will it take AGES but it will also cost a fortune and be a waste of his time. Your parents should come and stay with you surely? That’s what normally happens. It’s not really a good idea to take long distance flights for no reason with a newborn either - it’s so easy to get sick on planes.

The being at work every night until 10pm is unacceptable. Completely.

OP I would start a new thread just on that topic but your DH is clearly taking the piss and it will be a million percent harder when you have two children.

So he does help out. Tbh you kind of made it sound like he was fairly hands off all the time. I have no idea what his contracted hours are but maybe there’s an underlying issue. It doesn’t sound like this started the minute you announced you were pregnant. Sounds like you need to talk about whether he’s happy at work and whether a change would benefit you both? Going on holiday I would take as a kick in the teeth. You go on your holibobs and he carry’s on with the daily trudge. Oh but he can stay for a few weeks as an add on but could he pop out twice.

He's been staying late for 'about a year', it annoys you, you are checking out of the marriage and it seemed a good idea to have another baby? Okay. And no, it sounds ridiculous that he accompanies you just for the flights, for a few weeks yes, and then travel back alone. Although it sounds like he tries to spend as much time away anyway that he will probably not mind you being away.

He’s taking this piss in terms of general childcare. Wtf is his job?? I find it hard to believe they expect him there that late!

You’re right about not wanting to be stuck here in winter, it’s wank. If I could chip off to aus for a few months I sure as shit would especially if there was someone there to help. He may also pull his head out his ass when you’re gone!

Use his money to upgrade!

Hmm would I want to do 4 long haul flights so my partner can take my children away from me for 2 months around and just after Xmas?
Sod that for a game of soldiers
Yabvu

you expect him to take 4 flights to Australia and back to take her there and pick you up?

I think this is hugely unreasonable. Cost would probably also prohibitive esp when you are on mat leave and income is limited.