DH doesn't want to fly with me to visit my family

[happychange]

My family live the other side of the world, think Australia way. I'm having baby no 2 soon, and taking a year out for Mat leave. I would love for our two kids to spend an extended time back home with my family, over 1-2 months, while I have the time.

I did this and flew solo on my own with DC1, but a bit hesitant to fly solo on my own with 2 kids.

I mentioned this to DH and asked if he could fly with me in Dec say to help with the two kids on a flight, and then come back in February to pick us up again. He would of course have a couple of weeks in a hot summer weather as well.

He scoffed at this suggestion, and asked if I could ask my family instead to do it. At which point, I got a bit annoyed - why on earth, if he can't be arsed to do it, would someone in my family want to do it??

AIBU to expect him to do this? Or should I fly solo again with the two kids? Or ask my family to help?

FWIW, I'm 34 weeks pregnant and he's been home late from work every night this past two weeks, which has also annoyed me no end. He's not around to help with DC1, so this latest comment has made me wonder why I don't just go solo and do it all alone.

Yes before we had kids he used to come home around 6pm and watch tv all night.

Now he's home at 10 after DC is asleep and continues watching tv until he goes to bed.

I do wonder if he's actually really working or needs to be in the office til that late. I get everyone has busy periods sometimes, and the way I deal with it is to come home early, put DS to bed and continue working after.

But no, he doesn't like doing that as his laptop screen is too small compared to his work monitor so he rather stay at work. He can only do this because I leave on time to pick DS up!

Does he care about you leaving for 2 months? I would.

He's avoiding being with his family. What a catch.

I'd frig off to Australia and wouldn't look back.

Sorry another one that thinks you are being unreasonable. Why would anyone want to do unnecessary long haul flights (let alone ones that long) when they aren't actually wanting to travel? I could see the taking you out, having a holiday and coming back, but definitely don't think it's reasonable to expect him to fly out and collect you again

Reason varies , they are buying a new company, he has a call with the US, the latest one is he has a face to face interview to hire new team member and then the team has to decide who to hire why that goes on till 9pm god knows. It isn't a specific project or piece of work that is a causing the late working, but something new seems to come up every week. I can't really see an end to this, but it's getting later and later and more frequent

I don't think he's having an affair as he's always around at weekends but maybe he is, who knows

Agree, going away for two months is not going to help our marriage. I'm slowly checking out of it now as I just don't see him anyway. By the time he's at home, I'm in bed already

@happychange I am sorry this is hard for you. If there it does get to a stage where a split is unavoidable do make sure you emphasise he was only able to work those hours because you are the main carer to make sure you get what is fairly yours

Badlad had a good suggestion @happychange - take the $$ you would have spent on husband flying over and use that to upgrade.

Hoping you have a cleaner come in during the week and you get to make the most of free time when husband is hands on in the weekend.

How does he feel about the late working? Hate it or seems to be a way to avoid family life.

Have you talked about it, does he know you are finding it hard?

Oh OP I've just seen your latest post - that sounds pretty rubbish.

Omg I’m sorry you’re getting such a hard time over this. It’s blimmin hard work taking young ones on a downunder trip. I’m sure you are capable of doing it, but it is hard. I completely understand why you want your partner to help you. Good luck, I hope you find a decent compromise. He also knew when he had children with you that visiting your country would be necessary. That entails long trips and helping out. Big hug xx

I’ve travelled on my own with 2 young children. You just have to be very bold and ask for other passengers help in holding the baby or helping with bags. Take a rucksack changing back, sling for baby and then you’re hands free for the toddler (who needs their own rucksack with snacks etc for the flight). If the baby’s going to scream the whole flight or the toddler’s going to have a tantrum, they’ll do it with or without your husband there. It’s a big ask for him to do 4 long haul flights just to hold your hand.

Going there and back is understandable. Going twice just for collection, no. Better to get a nanny to help for flight.

Or upgrade. Although business is a lot more.

And you can ask the air steward to take the baby while you go to the loo etc

I would absolutely go for the two months and I do not think you're unreasonable at all to ask him to come out with you and stay for a couple of weeks. I wouldn't have him fly out to pick you up. I wouldn't accept the current situation though, it's absolutely not on at all to leave you with all the child care solo all the time in the week. I would wonder what the hell he was up to to be frank.

Or upgrade. Although business is a lot more.

You can usually get good deals compared to three economy fares, which is what it would be if her husband makes two round trips.

Is there anyway you can request a family member to acompany you all the way to the gate so they so your husband only has to fly once? I know my mother does it's what my mother does if my grandmother needs to fly on her own

I was also thinking maybe there's an OW

How much? £4K pp I found but probably depends on timing and airline.

And you can ask the air steward to take the baby while you go to the loo etc

As a veteran of many long haul flights, both to Asia and N. America, you technically can, but they can say no and it's nothing to count on. On our last long-haul back, I saw a lady who was obviously alone with two toddler boys who were twins and being able to help, told her to tell me if she needed to go to the lav or such. I've been there myself with three. The two stewards were childfree and really didn't know what the hell to do when she came to ask me and I went back with her to the galley area. She was en route to her husband who was working in Kuwait. It was a bloody 10-hour flight overnight with a 7-hour time shift. She was 41 with identical twin boys still in nappies who were two; they had been born prematurely. I was even out of practise! But really, I offered. She did not expect it. And it is best to be as prepared as possible.

They did for me guess I was lucky. Preferred that to other passenger.

I think it's crazy that he's happy for you, your toddler and small baby to go away without him for 2 months to start with! My husband is a prick but I'm fairly sure that if I insisted on a 2 month family visit he'd come with me, stay for a week or 2 then fly home for work. He'd probably even do the same at the other end of the trip to be honest!

Your DH doesn't seem to give a shit about seeing his child. I know 100% that I would categorically not, not see my child all week every week like your DH. Does he not miss him?

Why don’t your family come and visit you for 2 months. You have no idea how you’ll be feeling after the birth.

Just read your update - god help him (and your kids) if he’s working his arse off and doing what he’s told (working late) and you’re already checking out of your marriage OP. I don’t think that’s fair on him. It won’t be like this always will it?

Give it time.

You’re going to bed early because you’re heavily pregnant.

10pm is not going to bed early. I would maybe have a think about what you want in future while you are there, OP. It does sound like this relationship might be coming to an end.

No harm in him asking if a family member could help out for a flight, but if he shows little interest in helping with suggesting alternatives if this isn't possible then that's something. If I was asked by another passenger to watch their child for a few minutes on public transport it wouldn't be a big deal for me. OTOH if I were a parent using public transport I can see how you may be relunctant to leave your child with a stranger; so this may be something worth discussing with your partner.